Issues with BPD Wife, Need Advice

[Silveron]

Last week she had another 'episode' as I call them.  She hasn't had one for a few months, but out of the blue she was threatening to hit/punch me in front of our daughter, just because I asked her if we had any towels that I could clean up a spill my daughter accidently made.  She then told me she hasn't had her medicine (she's on max dose of anti-depressants) in two days.  That for the past couple of days she was taking half of her dose, which tells me she was taking extra doses earlier in the month.  The pharmacy has already yelled at her because she goes through her meds before the 30 days.

Anyway, Sunday was Father's day.  Her dad (I believe is the reason she is BPD) is abusive and just not mentally there.  She took him out to eat by herself, she hasn't seem him in a few months.  Long story short he got into a fight with some random stranger at the restaurant and my wife had to intervene.  She texted me this morning while I'm at work to tell me her car wouldn't start and got a ride.  She now just texted me she walked home from work (took her an hour) and her car is acting fine.  She told me she was probably trying to start the car by moving the key backwards instead of forwards.  I think she is slowly losing it.  Her dad has about a year to live, he had a stroke and not taking his diabetes meds, and that side of the family is nothing short of a jerry springer show.  Her mom's side (her parents are divorced) is somewhat normal (excluding that her mom defended her second husband when my wife went to her mom about him trying to come onto her sexually).  She endured a lot of abuse as a child, including rape and losing a baby of her own (it was before she met me).

I been trying to get her into counseling again, she won't go.  She went for a month or so last year and the psychologist told me she needs years of weekly therapy and that if I were to leave she has no doubt that my wife would kill herself.

We have an 8 yr. old daughter who I am trying to work with, so she can better understand the reasoning why mom does the things she does, however I see my daughter's anxiety as pretty high.  What advice can you give?  My wife won't accept responsibility for the things she's done in the past to me or continue to do.  She's torn up because of her family and they don't seem to care.  Her mom (who's a nurse) tells her that she needs to 'grow up' and 'move on' from the awful past that her daughter endured.  All that does is hurt her.  I've become part husband, counselor and father to her.  Is there a way that you can commit your spouse to a hospital involuntarily here in the USA?  She refuses to talk about her past and gets very defensive.

[Wrongturn1]

She went for a month or so last year and the psychologist told me she needs years of weekly therapy and that if I were to leave she has no doubt that my wife would kill herself.

Hmmm... .it almost sounds as if the psychologist was trying to make it sound as if you are responsible for keeping your wife from killing herself.  I'll have to disagree with that perspective; deciding to live is your wife's responsibility - it is not your responsibility to keep your wife alive or somehow prevent her from killing herself.  You can live free of that burden.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Silveron, Getting someone committed is a complex legal procedure that generally requires a court proceeding, unless a doctor agrees that an emergency commitment is warranted.  In any event, I would suggest that you consult with a lawyer to discuss the legal issues.

LuckyJim

[ArleighBurke]

Where do you want things to go? Realistically?

Your wife sounds depressed, and stressed and is not coping with the family problems. When my wife went off the rails I made sure she was taking her meds daily - I actually handed the pills to her each morning. She complained EVERY DAY about taking them. But her actions affect the family.

Even if she's on meds, will she be stable? What happens when her dad does pass away? That could very well set her off more. Do you have a plan? (The plan to leave with you daughter somewhere safe - you should have this already).

Unfortunately you cannot force her into therepy. You probably cannot force her into hospital (perhaps if she directly threatens suicide- but it may be tricky).

You CAN set boundaries. Make sure that she is aware: any abusive behaviour (especially infront of the daughter) and you will remove yourself (and if required your daughter) from her presense.

Validate her feelings - she must be feeling horrible. Allow her to talk about what is going on. Listen WITHOUT problem solving.

[Silveron]

Where I want things to go, would be if she could recognize her thoughts and behavior as something that needs therapy.  When she went she mentioned it felt good, but then she quit because the psychologist was diving into her childhood and past.  She will go from attack mode to pity-me mode, which then she talks about how life is not worth living and she should just kill herself, that we would be better off without her.

My goal, which I have told her is that I want her to be able to stand on her own two feet.  Financially she is a mess.  Massive credit card debt.  I would help her in the past but she continued to spend.  I've probably helped her out with over $10k, but she continues to live for 'today'.  She has gone as far as stealing from me as well.  She has no nest egg, if something were to happen to me, I doubt she could even pay the mortgage.  I worry about my daughter and what would happen to her.  My family would step up, but my parents are 70.  Her family wouldn't help at all.

I know legally I'm not responsible if my wife takes her life, but it weighs heavy on me.  Two years ago I didn't talk to her for 3 days, due to her intentionally ruining a night out for my birthday, she made a scene at a bar, because she thought I played the song (Crazy B*tch).  She went completely nuts.  Anyway, she said she would rather slit her wrists then not have me talk to her, however if I would've said anything she just would've went into a rage.  She did mention to the psychologist that she would rather me yell and scream at her then for me to tell her, she has hurt or disappointed me.

I don't know who I am waking up to anymore.  In the past she was physical and has threatened my life.  When she threatened to hit me this past week, I told her I was going to call the police and it threw her into a tailspin.  My daughter was crying and pleading not to call them.  Honestly it was the only reason why I didn't.  She has in the past have also told me that if I ever called the police on her, she would hurt herself and blame it on me.  If I were to try to divorce I know she would make it as difficult as possible.  I've also heard her say negative things about me to my daughter.  My daughter and I have made an agreement when this happens that we walk away and quit all communication with her.  

My wife is very volatile.  Something triggers in her that just makes her act out.  A few years ago she was mad at me, so she jumped up on our living room table with her high heels and was trying to purposely gouge the wood.  Just insane acts like that, that really freak me out.

[montenell]

I got tired of making my wife take her meds so I stopped doing it.  She would complain about how they made her feel even though they mellowed her out.  I realised that she is not my responsibility.  That was the hardest thing to accept...   She has decent days but usually finds a reason not to have one.  Today she said that this house wasn't her home I asked what then is this house and she replied a zoo...   And is she feels that way fine...   I think you should work on setting boundaries and not feeling responsible for her...   It's messed up that the therapist would put the responsibility of her taking her life on you, she has to decide if she wants to live for herself and not because you are watching her n24/7

[Lucky Jim]

I realised that she is not my responsibility. 

nicely put, montenell.  The bottom line is that you are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  Took me a while to wrap my head around this, too, but it really helped when I let go of that burden.

LuckyJim

[Mr Orange]

I haven't experienced even close to the train wreck it sounds like you have been going through. I also don't have kids, but having three lovely nieces and a nephew does likely influence heavily my initial reaction of thinking your daughter is the biggest concern here. I certainly don't intend to minimize the pain you're suffering, nor the heavy burden of feeling that your wife could potentially take her own life if you leave (per her words). The burden she has put on you, I can't even put into words how godawful that sounds.

I feel like if you think there's a good chance you could gain sole custody of your daughter, that would be my inclination. Maybe somehow find a way to seek some legal counsel without your wife knowing to feel out the situation? As others have mentioned, the mental health system in this country is jacked and I feel it's going to be tough to get your wife committed against her will. If so, it would likely be very short like a few days, but I could be wrong.

She won't go to counseling, so you can expect things will very likely be this way or worse indefinitely. Marriage is about two partners accepting one anther's flaws, but also being accountable to one another when serious issues need to be addressed. Sounds like she's not being accountable one bit. I fear that if you stay not only will you end up a broken shell of yourself, but your daughter will be collateral damage and grow up with a truckload of baggage. Man, please don't think I'm suggesting this is in any way an easy choice. It sounds like a bunch of extremely terrible options and you are stuck trying to choose the least terrible one. Just my two cents. I'll pray for ya brother.

Orange

[Fie]

Hello Silveron,

Have you considered  therapy for both you and your daughter ? You cannot force your wife to undergo treatment, but I think for your daughter it can definitely be a good idea.

Is it an option for you to take your daughter some place else, like your parents or friends, once in a while ? And do something nice together ? So she can feel like a child  ? Maybe going to a playground, attraction park, can distract the both of you ?

Having a BPD parent causes parentification in a child.  They take responsability for the feelings of their parent. I had that with my BPD mum, always predicting what and when the next moodswing  could be.

I think the behavior of your daughter, asking  you not to call the police, could also be considered parentification. Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a situation, we don't see clear, but I think in such cases, it is best to stick  to the parent role.  You can call the police when you decide it is necessary, it is not up to your daughter to decide. She should not have the feeling that she should stick up for her mum. She's  a child and should concentrate on herself, and on growing up. Mum is responsable for her own behaviors.

In my opinion, it is also tremendously important that your daughter knows that the behavior of mum is not normal. If you don't talk to her about this, she will end up copying behavior / wanting to cure mum / feeling unsafe / ... .you name it. All the nasty things you get when you grow  up with a BPD parent not knowing that they have BPD. Children always take their surrounding for granted, and as normal ... however abnormal it may be, they just don't realize. And with BPD, even adults sometimes question their sanity (I know I did).

You need to provide  a reality check for your daughter. You can perfectly do this without devaluating her mum.

My grandmother is BPD too, and I talk to my daughter about this in an honest way. I tell her there is something 'in the brain of grandma' that makes her act a bit 'abnormal'. That grandma is a sweet person but sometimes behaves  in a not  so sweet way, and that she  is fully responsable for that. That my daughter is not to blame, and that there is nothing she can do about it.

Is it a possibility for you to leave your wife ? And to get custody for your daughter, who can still see mum, but not on a daily basis, so she can get a bit grounded ?