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Author Topic: fell for it again...almost  (Read 503 times)
Venny

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 31


« on: June 22, 2016, 09:08:56 AM »

Hello everyone. So after months of detachment and all my messages being basically ignored yesterday I had ten missed calls from her. She sent a bunch of emails saying she needed help and felt unsafe. Eventually I spoke to her. She said she has been using drugs and went to her friends bday out of town.  The friend has a super rich bf. She allegedly stayed in the hotel room alone where she discovered cameras and recording equipment all over the room.  She says she feels violated and ran to her brothers house. This apparent long term friend she has not confronted and is no longer friends with. This seems totally insane. She is a total mess has been kicked out of her apartment and is moving home. ... so she says. It all seems like lies and she is adamant thay she has not been with other guys. I stupidly engaged in the Co versatile with the promise that she would reply to my emails as I was getting on a flight.  Of course she has not resp

onded . We were supposed to have sex today but no where to be found. In a weird way hearing how messed up she is makes me feel better. But it also seems

like such a weird lie. Who k ows. I don't know what to do at this point. Is this just a lie to manipulate me again? To let her know I still care. She reached out to me because apparently I'm the only one who would be real and u der stand yet where is she now?
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Venny

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 31


« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2016, 09:13:21 AM »

It's just so classic. Nothing I said was acknowledged nothing. Even during the course of the conversation I could hear in her voice that she didn't care. She got what she needed... .used me to make herself feel better and now will just detach again. I have been having such a hard time and to be honest was really looking forward to seeing her even tho I know that's the worst idea ever. Now she will just throw me away again. I even said that as she was talking to me. I said don't do it again and here I am. So stupid. It's insane that people like this exist. One minute I'm the only real and good person in her world and the next I mean nothing
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tryingsome
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 240


« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2016, 09:57:01 AM »

Well relationship dynamics with pwBPD are complex.

Detaching can also be complex.

What they say can very well be true; it could also be a pack of lies.

Really it isn't so much want they say but what they need.

I am just curious what you want out of this pseudo-relationship?

Do you want to be there to support her (no matter what that looks like).

Are you there just for sex?

Are you looking to detach or get back together?

It is hard to make head or tales (at least for me) what you want to happen.

It's okay to want  disparate things.

Case in point here, she wants to know you will be there when she needs you.

That is her need; what do you need out of the interactions?
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vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2016, 10:11:49 AM »

You might want to ask yourself why you keep falling for her stories. I have had to ask myself that question a lot. I so badly wanted to believe ex. I didn't want to see the truth. Ex is going to continue to treat me like he has for years unless I stand up and say NO MORE. It sounds easy yet is so unbelievably difficult to do. He can sound so convincing. I really think he is being sincere when he tells me stuff. In that moment, that is his truth. The problem is that after a conversation he will get distracted and forget the conversation ever happened. It is like talking to a version of Dory that is unable to recognize that short term memory loss is at play.

It is 1, 2, 3. . .oo, look a butterfly. I am going to go chase that now. And off they go chasing the butterfly while everything else is forgotten.
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Lonely_Astro
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 703



« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2016, 10:25:57 AM »

You might want to ask yourself why you keep falling for her stories. I have had to ask myself that question a lot. I so badly wanted to believe ex. I didn't want to see the truth. Ex is going to continue to treat me like he has for years unless I stand up and say NO MORE. It sounds easy yet is so unbelievably difficult to do. He can sound so convincing. I really think he is being sincere when he tells me stuff. In that moment, that is his truth. The problem is that after a conversation he will get distracted and forget the conversation ever happened. It is like talking to a version of Dory that is unable to recognize that short term memory loss is at play.

It is 1, 2, 3. . .oo, look a butterfly. I am going to go chase that now. And off they go chasing the butterfly while everything else is forgotten.

You are absolutely correct in that it's 100% truth, in the moment.  It's the long term that gets us/them. 

For instance, I had to attend a conference with my ex a couple of months ago (a 1 day thing).  She talked to me afterward and we discussed a lot of stuff.  That was followed with a couple days of texting afterward.  I wasn't interested in a rekindle, I've moved on and she's in a r/s with my replacement (and she even called him my replacement during our talk - who also happens to be our co-worker too).  Anyway, she said all these things that I am sure were true, in the moment.  Of course, like all things, they were just as quickly dismissed as they were said. 

Only one person can stop the cycle of abuse: ourselves.  The pwBPD isn't going to do it for us.  My ex is still wanting us to be 'friends' and told me she still "had love for me deeply"... .only to be lovey dovey with my replacement in front of me not 24hrs after she said that.  In the moment, I believe she did have deep love for me, but had to show me she was over 'us' when I refused to chase her.  I feel this was done with malice, because she knows I still care for her (my ex shows heavy N traits). 

Abuse is abuse, mentally ill or not.  You deserve better. We all do.
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2016, 10:58:14 AM »

You also can't discount the fact that if she has been using drugs, she could have been extremely paranoid when she contacted you. You seem to have been a consistently safe place for her because you keep removing your boundaries for her sake. Once she didn't need the safety, she's gone.

So, think about tryingsome's questions, and add to them:

Where are you boundaries?
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vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2016, 11:10:24 AM »

So, think about tryingsome's questions, and add to them:

Where are you boundaries?

An even more difficult question to add to this is: How can I enforce those boundaries?

I know what I want and don't want. Ex is an expert at boundary busting. And I am an expert at giving in. He knows this about me. I have had to try to find ways to build walls that he can't get past. It isn't enough to know where my boundaries are. I have to know where they are and have ideas on how I can enforce them and protect myself.
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Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2016, 11:20:52 AM »

The beauty of enforcing boundaries is that you are then in complete control of yourself and what you allow into your world. It takes the pwBPD's control over you away.
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