Divorce from hell with BPD ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there, I joined a while ago but wasn't sure to how to use these messageboards and interact.

I spent 8 years with my ex husband who I strongly believe has BPD.  I left 2 years ago but have found this time the hardest loneliest experience of my life. I got tired of making excuses for his erratic behaviour, temper tantrums and drug & alcohol issues.  Infact I blamed almost all of his bad behaviour on drugs/alcohol and his abusive childhood.  People say divorce is one of the hardest things to experience and I really understand that now... .I feel like I've lost any friends I had and worst of all I miss my ex (the good side of him).  Due to his aggressive behaviour I have no contact with him.  It has cost me $20,000 in legal fees so far and we have yet to even have our first court date to settle property.  He has made it clear he wants to go bankrupt and take me with him and that is a very real possibility. I feel like I will have to spend the rest of my life paying for falling in love with a BPD. Any words of support or advice would be much appreciated, I'm feeling very alone.

[aussiegirl]

Hi there, I joined a while ago but wasn't sure to how to use these messageboards and interact.

I spent 8 years with my ex husband who I strongly believe has BPD.  I left 2 years ago but have found this time the hardest loneliest experience of my life. I got tired of making excuses for his erratic behaviour, temper tantrums and drug & alcohol issues.  Infact I blamed almost all of his bad behaviour on drugs/alcohol and his abusive childhood.  People say divorce is one of the hardest things to experience and I really understand that now... .I feel like I've lost any friends I had and worst of all I miss my ex (the good side of him).  Due to his aggressive behaviour I have no contact with him.  It has cost me $20,000 in legal fees so far and we have yet to even have our first court date to settle property.  He has made it clear he wants to go bankrupt and take me with him and that is a very real possibility. I feel like I will have to spend the rest of my life paying for falling in love with a BPD. Any words of support or advice would be much appreciated, I'm feeling very alone.

[Thunderstruck]

Hi aussiegirl 

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Do you have any kids together? It's even harder when kids are involved because you're "stuck" with that person far beyond the separation/divorce.

I know it feels like you might be losing a lot financially... .but think of it as just the "things you lost in the fire".

And I read this quote somewhere: It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life. :P

[aussiegirl]

No thank god we don't have children.  Imagining myself making the excuses I made for him to our future child is what gave me the strength to leave.  After he moved in a girlfriend into our house (in MY family's street) and assaulted my mother I got court to help me get an interim order to get him to move out.  Unfortunately he took EVERYTHING (even the doorbell) and left the house damaged.  One thing I've found really hard to hear people say is "well now you can start fresh and buy new things!" with what money exactly? and if I got robbed people wouldn't say that! At least if I got robbed they wouldn't have taken all the furniture and insurance would've helped me get new things!

The problem is we own 2 investment properties in mining towns that are now worth a lot less than what we owe and he doesn't care.  Losing everything means being left with nowhere to live and over 100K of debt. It's so difficult when he's made it clear his goal is to go bankrupt and take me with him.

[Mikeyboy]

I can understand your sense of frustration. I'm only 2 months into my nightmare and I feel like sometimes I may not make it. It feels like a big sick joke at times. Knowing my wife would use my kids against me is surreal. I hope it gets better and you become more able to understand and work through it.

[david]

I stopped counting at $70,000. I have kids with my xBPDw so I had to fight for them.
The first few years were the toughest. (2007-2010). I was put in jail because of a false allegation and conviction of disorderly conduct. I was charged with assault. I lost my teaching job because of it. I am currently in the process of getting my record expunged so I can go back to teaching. My ex emptied our house too. She removed the 47 electrical wall cover plates, took the three plastic toilet paper holders from the bathrooms, I mean emptied. She filed a homeowners claim saying I stole everything and made it look like she did it ? The insurance company declined the claim since we were both on the policy and as they stated in the rejection letter, I am para phrasing "you are not allowed to rob yourself and make a claim for compensation". I still have the letter because it made me laugh til I had tears coming from my eyes.
Easier said then done but don't let their anger consume you.
If my ex didn't "dysregulate" we would have a paid off house in a very nice area, both be working with good incomes, have a vacation house half paid off by now, and a very solid financial situation. Instead I am still digging out of the hole created but I am happy. I know ex does not even have that so I am ahead of the game. I don't like the fact that I am basically starting over but I can't change what happened.
The last two months I have not received any emails from ex attacking me. That is the longest stretch since July of 2007. Things are looking up.

[llor]

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. But it takes time. And even there, you have to expect that person to try to pop in and out of your life now and then. It took a while but I managed to get my ex to sign the divorce papers, but I had to wait for her to be in a new relationship for her to do so.

My legals fees were way lower than yours ($2,000) but I still believe they were worth every penny. WE are however still paying for our wedding ($20,000 left to pay on a credit margin). Most of the time it is civil, but recently she got dumped again and she is back again with her harassment and calls where she wants me to come and rescue her from her misery. I am seriously considering biting the bullet and paying off the $20,000 by myself to buy her out of my life for good.

Initially when she would'nt sign the divorce papers (she wanted a chunk of my pension) I had a few chats with folks here and this questions always came up (and its one I've seen come up all the time here for other people as well): How much is your freedom worth. At max I risked loosing about $70,000 in pension but for a while I really thought about letting it all go to get her out of my life. I understand that in your situation we are talking about more money than that and I hope you can come to an agreement but yes, they will hold on any bit of control they have over you, at any cost to them or others. The only way to get away with this if you can't get a lucky shot and get them to agree for an amicable divorce is to let go to the money sadly.

I urge you to ask yourself: Is the money really worth poisoning your mind for the next 5,7 or even 10 years ? Or is it better to let it go, take the loss and get a fresh, free of stress start. I wish you all the best and hope things get better for you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel: I am almost there myself and damn it looks good. Keep your chin up and trust your survival instinct: sometimes its better to flee than fight.

Cheers

[StayStrongNow]

aussiegirl you are not alone. It is hard to deal with going into so much debt. There has been some great advice on this board but for me nothing can really comfort me to prevent me from waking up in the early morning with the sweats. How am I going to get out of this, relatively speaking I just got in the tunnel. The stbxBPDw dissipated the assets and I have been paying maintenance (alimony) and a lot of child support (even when she doesn't have the kids) and between my civil attorney and her civil and criminal attorney (she has had multiple, arrests, charges and convictions) we could have bought a house free and clear.

We are negotiating things I cannot afford, they want me to drop cohabitation as grounds for terminating spousal support. My attorney blew many things and since I didn't agree to his "sensational" deal he withdrew from the case. I owe him $25,000usd, I already paid him thousands more than I owe. Now I have a new attorney and the retainers are starting all over again.

It hurts, I get knocked down with things like a contempt petition for back child support when she never had the kids but my attorney never filed a petition to stop maintenance until her 4th arrest, really? I still can't believe it.

But I am not dead yet, although she would like the death insurance money, but I am going to keep trying. In four years whenever after this divorce ends, I won't pay her maintenance and I will be able to get out of squalor.

I also agree life has gotten better now I am away from her controls and DV.

So hang in there, I am right with you.