Why do pwBPD get completely unbalanced when they don't get desired outcome?

[FeelingBitter]

Hi all  

I've been advocating for a pwBPD for the last year, good times. It's been quite a ride. One of the oddest things she does is freak out viscerally when something doesn't go her way... .ie when someone doesn't give her the response she wants, or something in the reporting process doesn't work out for her, she'll literally have to grab something and start tapping her fingers on the table furiously. It's very unsettling to watch, but it seems to be a coping mechanism for her. Does it have to do with the pwBPD need for control? Why do they assume everything is going to work out for them all the time? She's also the greatest manipulator I have ever met, and I think she literally loses it when she can't manipulate someone into doing something that she wants.  

[schwing]

Hi FeelingBitter,

Borderline Personality Disorder could very well be re-named as "Emotional Dysregulation Disorder" in that people with BPD (pwBPD) have very little ability to *regulate* their emotions. When something doesn't going as she might expect, her disappointment is severe disappointment.

An perhaps your pwBPD has a need for control. I've found that some people who exhibit strong desires to control do so as a means of coping with feeling like some aspect of their lives (perhaps family life?) is very much out of control. I've noticed that some pwBPD exhibit anorexic behaviors for exactly this reason.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[FeelingBitter]

"An perhaps your pwBPD has a need for control. I've found that some people who exhibit strong desires to control do so as a means of coping with feeling like some aspect of their lives (perhaps family life?) is very much out of control. I've noticed that some pwBPD exhibit anorexic behaviors for exactly this reason.

Thanks for your response. The pwBPD was raped last year, so I'm sure that has a LOT to do with it.

That being said, I've worked with a lot of rape survivors, many of whom obviously are grappling with feelings of lost control, and I got to say, this is the first survivor I've worked with whose responses to things not working out for her have been so extreme.

[enlighten me]

I think a lot of it has to do with their version of reality. To them what they say makes perfect sense. For others not to see it there way doesnt make sense. When dealing with my uBPD exs I have on many occasions been dumbfounded by how they can truly believe their realty when everyone else around them disagrees. They can argue black is white and either truly believe it or have talked themselves into it.

[babyducks]

Hi FB,

What my experience has been is similar to what schwing mentioned.  Since a pwBPD can not self soothe like some one who learned to emotionally regulate she seeks other ways to get her needs met.

These are not garden variety needs, they are core to her sense of self.   If her needs and wants are not getting met, and are not getting met perfectly then her unstable sense of self rises to the surface.  I think of it as her wants and needs help to underpin the story she tells herself about her self.   We all do that to a degree.   

I believe that the exaggerated wants/needs of a pwBPD are there to keep the boiling self loathing and shame at bay.   I want a trip overseas because  I am a sophisticated world traveler.   I want the reporting processes to play out a certain way to support my internal idea of what and who I am.   To have a different outcome challenges their sense of themselves.

'ducks

[Notwendy]

Babyducks makes a good point about a weak self image. My BPD mother is very skilled at manipulating people to get her way. Another thing she will do is ask me a question and keep asking it until she gets the answer she wants. When she doesn't get what she wants, she is often dysregulated.

Often what she wants or plans is not reflective of reality.

She may state she is going to do something that she has no intentions of doing, and if anyone questions it, she gets upset. She will say things like she is planning to move somewhere, but that is unlikely to happen. However, one better not question it. Once she was not invited to an event where the people planning it have not gotten along with her, and she dislikes them. Yet she was somehow appalled that they didn't include her.

Our family has WOE around this for as long as I can recall- weighing the pros and cons to saying no to her. Saying no attacks her self image. Yet, not having boundaries with her has not been in her best interest or ours.

[babyducks]

Saying no attacks her self image. Yet, not having boundaries with her has not been in her best interest or ours.

Saying No does attack her self image but not deliberately.   For my partner it looked like this,  "I know I am a wonderful person because I have this wonderful relationship.  I know I have a wonderful relationship because I got a lot of flowers for Valentines Day".   

Except the converse is also equally true.   "I know I am a horrible person because I have this terrible relationship.   I know I have a terrible relationship because I didn't get a big present for Valentines day."

Some one who can self soothe or self regulate can walk between the extremes by telling themselves "oh I didn't get a present for Valentines day this year because money is tight"   or "Okay I got a nice Valentines day gift this year because things are going well but it won't always be that way"

Not having fair, reasonable, compassionate boundaries tends to allow those extremes to expand, dragging us along with them.

[Notwendy]

I think saying no can trigger the extremes. For my H, any "no" was interpreted as extreme rejection and shame. One example stands out to me because I had no clue at the time. Our relationship became difficult when I was pregnant and had morning sickness- and was less interested in sex. I assumed my H could see what was in front of him- his wife quite obviously running to the bathroom with nausea. But to him it was a deep and painful rejection.

Somehow complying with requests- whatever they are- seems to feel validating. "See she loves me" and saying no was perceived as invalidating, an insult, even if the "no" has nothing to do with them, but our situation at the moment.

[enlighten me]

Often what she wants or plans is not reflective of reality.

But it may be a reflection of her reality. Both my exs warped reality to fit what they wanted. To them our reality was as bizarre as their reality is to us. This is when wefind ourselves bemused as to us they just arent making sense and on the flip side they are struggling with the same issue.