uBPS's paranoia feels beyond what I can handle

[SingOn]

uBPD-H's paranoia is in full swing and last night he said he thinks I act schizophrenic (happy with other people, uptight around him. Of course he doesn't get that I feel free around others and not around him.) And that he has a strong will and the means to find out where I go - that unless I'm naked and without a phone, he would be able to track me... .(maybe he was referring to tracking devices in clothes?) I did not argue, and did not get pulled into his usual accusations of infidelity, at which point he called me cold as ice. I did tell him then that I think we need to consider separation at the end of the summer (when girls, D18 and D21, are not home). He started to call me names, pathetic, etc. so I left.

It's just really bad. His paranoia is just more than I can handle. We don't have an even remotely functioning relationship. I'm not doing anything wrong, unfaithful-wise, so there's nothing I can change to address his paranoia. What I may be doing wrong is not being able to validate very well. Although I feel so sorry for him, in that moment when he's off his rocker I'm just trying to maintain calm and boundaries. I know he's suffering terribly and it breaks my heart, seeing this man I've been with for almost 27 years in this state. We've been here before (separation talk), and so this may not be the end, and yet I do think that one of these cycles will be the one that breaks it all. It's just a matter of time. I'll practice the tools as best I can, though. Thank you all for listening and for your support.

[Cat Familiar]

uBPD-H's paranoia is in full swing and last night he said he thinks I act schizophrenic (happy with other people, uptight around him. Of course he doesn't get that I feel free around others and not around him.)

I get a version of this. And yes, totally, when they're being difficult, of course we're uptight. It's easy and pleasurable to be around other people--just not them. I get accused of only caring about my animals. Well my animals aren't a*holes--well, my young horse is for moments at a time, but she and I can easily get back on track. That's just not available from my husband in a timely way--I have to wait out his weirdness.

I did not argue, and did not get pulled into his usual accusations of infidelity, at which point he called me cold as ice. I did tell him then that I think we need to consider separation at the end of the summer (when girls, D18 and D21, are not home). He started to call me names, pathetic, etc. so I left.

Yep, you are changing the dynamic. You won't respond to his provocation and he can't discharge his unsettling emotions upon you. I get the "cold as ice" comment too. Also "robot woman."

What I may be doing wrong is not being able to validate very well. Although I feel so sorry for him, in that moment when he's off his rocker I'm just trying to maintain calm and boundaries. I know he's suffering terribly and it breaks my heart, seeing this man I've been with for almost 27 years in this state. We've been here before (separation talk), and so this may not be the end, and yet I do think that one of these cycles will be the one that breaks it all. It's just a matter of time. I'll practice the tools as best I can, though. Thank you all for listening and for your support.

Sometimes just maintaining boundaries is all you can do. It's really hard to validate, at least it is for me, if I'm upset. Validation seems to come naturally to some people, while I have to really work at it. I just didn't get validated as a kid, so it's a new skill I have to learn.

Only you know how much tolerance and patience you have and how much you want to endure with your husband. My first BPD husband finally broke my resolve and I divorced him. This BPD husband (saying that phrase makes me ill, but I somehow have been a BPD magnet, blame my upbringing in a BPD family) is much kinder, has some wonderful redeeming qualities and is wealthy, so I've got way more patience.

This paranoia phase may be an extinction burst, based on you changing your response pattern. Keep doing the tools. Take care of yourself. And   

[SingOn]

Thanks for the words of understanding and support, Cat! "Robot Woman"  My H throws the word "sociopathic" at me too in times like that.

Yep, you are changing the dynamic. You won't respond to his provocation and he can't discharge his unsettling emotions upon you.

This paranoia phase may be an extinction burst, based on you changing your response pattern.

I think you're right about him acting out more because I'm just not engaging. But I'm not sure the paranoia is something that is extinguishable. It started in earnest about three years ago with some simple questions, then outright accusing, then going through my diaries and emails, then tracking me on my phone many times. I allowed the phone tracking for at least a year, thinking he would see that I'm not up to anything. But he'd call me asking where I was if, say, I was running errands at a different part of town than usual, and wouldn't believe me when I explained. Later, due to an unexplained change of settings, I got informed via email each time he checked into "Find my phone", which amounted to six days in a row of five check-ins each day... .i felt so violated! I finally called him on it, disabled "Find my phone" and he hit the roof. But then he was done. Seemed at the time like very effective boundary setting. HOWEVER, then he put a tracker in my car. Twice. And yes, I've changed my passwords and everything I can think of, but he is strong willed and technically savvy, and I am spooked. He just keeps upping it. I don't know that I can ever trust him. And so I am cautious around him, which makes him more paranoid, which makes me more cautious... .like I said, I think it's just a matter of time until it needs to end.

But like your hubby, there are reasons I stay with him. We have such a history, a beautiful and intense love story beginning (he's originally from a "behind the iron curtain" country); he's intellectually stimulating, and I do "get'' him, a little like a parent gets a child. It hurts like hell to think of abandoning him. Financially, I would take a hit, although I would survive - I've got some family inheritance. The family unit would be destroyed. For better or worse, I guess.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SingOn, In my view, it's all fueled by H's insecurity and fear of abandonment, which are common traits for a pwBPD.  My BPDxW used to check my cell phone and computer (before I installed passwords and passcode) in an effort to quell her anxieties, over which she had little or no control.  You could say that my BPDxW was ruled by her emotions.  You're doing well in a stressful situation, SingOn, so keep up the good work by focusing on yourself and your needs, and listening to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

That paranoia would be extremely difficult for me to handle and such a violation. Formflier also deals with extreme paranoia with his wife. Not an easy situation. And because it's been there for a while, I think you're right--it's not extinguishable.

Because he came from an Iron Curtain country, do you think he feels that level of snooping is OK? I can see how your response of being more cautious makes him more paranoid. Can you tell him that this sort of behavior is not acceptable in our country, unless it's something a parent is doing to track a wayward child?

[formflier]

 

The flavors of paranoia tend to be really interesting.  Until you are the "object" of someones paranoia.  Then... .life really sucks bad, many times even if you are using proper tools.

Then, just when you think you have it licked (southern for solved... .for those that don't know... .) it will shift.

Not sure if I saw it in your post, but does your SO act on the paranoia, or just spin tall tails?

FF

[SingOn]

Thanks for the input.

Formflier: I've read a bit about your situation. Wow. Lots of damage! I'm sorry. My H has never done any legal harm, but as far as acting on the paranoia... .yes, going through my diaries and emails, tracking me on my phone, placing GPS tracking devices in my car... .He has a folder full of printed out emails taken from over a span of 10 years, of comments and short conversations I've had with men, that to him prove I've had emotional affairs. He has built up entire stories and theories around them, and this folder is almost like a badge of honor. He used to take it to all our counseling meetings. As Randi Kreger said in one of her books about pwBPD, ''You can't out-victim a pwBPD!"

Cat Familiar: The influence of growing up behind the iron curtain is an interesting question. I do know he's extremely protective of his own privacy. He doesn't like Facebook (and criticizes it to anyone who will listen) and will turn his phone completely off at times so that his company bosses wont eavesdrop. He is often suspicious of friends, who in my view, mean him no harm. It's possible that a tendency to be suspicious was made worse by living in a country where Big Brother was watching. Where his own friends and family could have been informants.

I have actually told him that tracking me is like a parent tracking a child, as you suggest, and it was just another one of those arguments that got swallowed up into his distorted thinking - it doesn't register. 

Lucky Jim: Yes, you are right. And he admits this. But he blames his insecurity on me (surprise, surprise!)

My gut feelings are telling me this won't work. My schedule is coming together for next year and involves lots of weekend time away, which, as a musician, is just how that works. Now that the kids are away from home I'm wanting to do more, not less. I've held back for decades, while doing as much of my own thing as I dared, which meant lots of conflict. Also lots of guilt, because I felt I was not compromising enough. But as you and others have pointed out, I'm dealing with someone making demands out of fear and insecurity, not for the good of me or us. I just don't know if I can handle another year of conflict over this. With better use of tools things might be better for me... .or not.



I've already told him (last night for the second time) that I think we should end it. I hope I didn't jump the gun. It's the first time I've really taken charge like that - until now it's always been him wanting to end it, and I go along with it, relieved and happy to follow. Then he changes his mind, professing his deep and undying love, promising the world, and because I want that so much, I believe him. And I know he believes it too, in the moment. Yet rationally, I see how miserable I am and have been in this r/s for SO long. I'm not sure he'll try to reconcile this time, though. He threatened a nasty divorce, which is unsettling and scares me. He reminded me of how much I have to lose, and he's right. Yet I don't see how to go on. So distressing.