Is there any hope left?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I find a relationship with BPD takes you through levels of emotion and defeat you never thought were possible.  The bottom is never reached even if you think it is.  This is both for them and yourself

My wife has BPD.  Her parents were very hard on her and never supported who she was.  A year and half ago they both died which severely traumatized her, as she was the one who cared as they both died.  Her parents never spoke well of the rest of the family and drove a wedge between her and some of her siblings.  She has nobody left on her side of the family.  My family has its own issues, but coupled with the turbulent history of my wife, myself, and them... on top of their issues, they are scared to do anything and upset her further.  This means she is further alone with nobody but me... .

She had been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for DBT.  Twice last year she went inpatient to get her stable.  It worked, but 3 months later it starts to get rough again.  She now has given up hope.  She takes her meds irregularly and refuses to see psychologist anymore.  I barely work full time as I am needed constantly at home for her.  I spend more time helping her than raising kids or anything else.  I do nothing for myself anymore.  I go to the gym irregularly, I avoid my family, I am terrified to go to work and what she will say, I gave up all hobbies, I sleep on couch half the time and I am terrified to the point I would not mind being dead.  For her its a constant mental torture... .

I have no life at all anymore, she has no life.  The kids have no real life.  I cannot keep this up.  I cannot support us financially and emotionally... .its literally whole time I am at home comforting her with crying and her still hating me most of the time. 

I do not know what to do.  She refuses inpatient help... She is deeply hurting.  I am deeply hurting.  Not a day goes by without us both crying.  I find myself sometimes wanting my family dead so they do not offend her or cause it might be a relief to her.  I love them and do not want that. 

I have tried all the tools here.  I am not a master at them, but I have been reading and working on them for years now.  My wife does not believe in any god which I accept and is fine for her.  I do, as it brings me some peace...   I find myself begging for the world to end just so this all stops.  I just want everyone's pain to stop.  I never thought life could be like this for somebody... either for her nor for me.  I feel weak cause of it...

[hurthusband]

I find a relationship with BPD takes you through levels of emotion and defeat you never thought were possible.  The bottom is never reached even if you think it is.  This is both for them and yourself

My wife has BPD.  Her parents were very hard on her and never supported who she was.  A year and half ago they both died which severely traumatized her, as she was the one who cared as they both died.  Her parents never spoke well of the rest of the family and drove a wedge between her and some of her siblings.  She has nobody left on her side of the family.  My family has its own issues, but coupled with the turbulent history of my wife, myself, and them... on top of their issues, they are scared to do anything and upset her further.  This means she is further alone with nobody but me... .

She had been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for DBT.  Twice last year she went inpatient to get her stable.  It worked, but 3 months later it starts to get rough again.  She now has given up hope.  She takes her meds irregularly and refuses to see psychologist anymore.  I barely work full time as I am needed constantly at home for her.  I spend more time helping her than raising kids or anything else.  I do nothing for myself anymore.  I go to the gym irregularly, I avoid my family, I am terrified to go to work and what she will say, I gave up all hobbies, I sleep on couch half the time and I am terrified to the point I would not mind being dead.  For her its a constant mental torture... .

I have no life at all anymore, she has no life.  The kids have no real life.  I cannot keep this up.  I cannot support us financially and emotionally... .its literally whole time I am at home comforting her with crying and her still hating me most of the time. 

I do not know what to do.  She refuses inpatient help... She is deeply hurting.  I am deeply hurting.  Not a day goes by without us both crying.  I find myself sometimes wanting my family dead so they do not offend her or cause it might be a relief to her.  I love them and do not want that. 

I have tried all the tools here.  I am not a master at them, but I have been reading and working on them for years now.  My wife does not believe in any god which I accept and is fine for her.  I do, as it brings me some peace...   I find myself begging for the world to end just so this all stops.  I just want everyone's pain to stop.  I never thought life could be like this for somebody... either for her nor for me.  I feel weak cause of it...

[foggydew]

Hey, Hurthusband, you are not alone. Welcome here. Believe me, I understand your position - I have had similar times myself. You really do need to think of yourself right now, or there will nobody to care for any of you. You are important. What can you do to give yourself a bit of a break?

My stepson lived with us for a while - he suffered from schizophrenia and would not take any medication. We had to get a group together, professionals and family, and give him the choice - take medication and stay, no medication, he would have to leave. I'm not suggesting you use such a drastic move, but it would seem that medication would help, at least your wife's depression (and perhaps yours as well?).

Maybe too, the more you comfort, the more it continues? My mum was a bit like this, my dad would comfort her endlessly, and she continued... .I mostly did it too, but a teenager doesn't have such patience, and sometimes I snapped back. And when I did, she would stop for a while, at least giving me breathing space.

I'm sure more competent people will offer you advice. Hold on, smile at yourself and give yourself the credit that you are due. And a day out.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry it's this hard, hurthusband. I know you've been doing this for a while and have been working diligently to apply skills and keep the relationship together. Are you still seeing your therapist?

She had been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for DBT.  Twice last year she went inpatient to get her stable.  It worked, but 3 months later it starts to get rough again.  She now has given up hope.  She takes her meds irregularly and refuses to see psychologist anymore.

One of the assumptions of DBT is the polarity between patients getting what they need to become competent and losing what they need if they become more competent. It may be possible that your wife felt things were improving and worried she would be abandoned if she got better. To prevent that from happening, she sabotaged herself. If your behavior changed to affirm this decision on her part, then it might reinforce things further in her mind.

I do not know what to do.  She refuses inpatient help... She is deeply hurting.  I am deeply hurting.  Not a day goes by without us both crying.  I find myself sometimes wanting my family dead so they do not offend her or cause it might be a relief to her.  I love them and do not want that. 

Another feature of DBT is that extreme thinking and emotions are a sign that there is a failure of dialectics in thinking, behavior, and emotion. It sounds like this may be happening for you, HH. It is hard to imagine how you can support someone when you yourself are struggling to see a path clearly. Have you considered DBT for yourself? DBT was developed for pwBPD. Since its beginnings, it has now spread to support others who may find comfort in the structure and skills when we feel confounded by our own realities.

[momtara]

Hi HH. Haven't read your posts in a while and checked in because of what's been on the news today. It made me think of you.

You have been through hell for years. The question I have is, do the therapists and doctors you have all seen know the kind of life you are all living? Someone has to help you. Someone needs to be involved. I feel bad that you're playing all these roles alone, existing just to save everyone else's life. I know people have been helping in the past... .but do they know how much you and your wife are hurting? What do the school counselors think? I know you probably absorb a lot of your family's pain and maybe are afraid to let others know how bad it is, but it can't make things worse to get help.

You deserve happiness. So does your wife. SO do the kids. I hope things get better. There really is so much beauty in the world and you all deserve to see it.

I spent years tap-dancing to try to get everything right, and was afraid to let people see what was going on. Sometimes letting people know what's really happening is the best thing you can do.

[hurthusband]

my head is foggy

I spun out a bit Friday.  Everything has to be handled by me.  She will not leave the house.  I leave work early i go in late... Im falling behind.  I snap cause it gets me in trouble.  Her response is that you have to tell people you have situations.  At some point there become too many for them to tolerate.  I told her I cannot handle all of this.  I apologized later.  Things were fine for 2 days... woke up Sunday and it was instant attacks.  Throwing luggage at me, throwing food at me, hitting me with bags of food, throwing my things out the door.  Talking and threatening horrible ways about me and my family.  I might chirp back once or twice.  She got into it with our son last night.  He did not listen to her to go to bed.  She threw toilet paper at him.  He bucked up... I went to calm things down and try and explain that it was wrong of him to do certain things, but also that its hard for him to be in this environment which I said privately to her. 

It is a living hell.  If I leave he is alone with her.  She cannot leave the house.  Our son said he wants to move in with his aunt who my wife is also mad at.  There is no other family.  He said it out of anger, but some is cause he is hurt.

Her car would not start, I was going to jump it and take it in for warranty work as discusssed today, but she said no because the neighbor is going on a trip outside and she was not invited this time.  So I have to figure out another time to get the car there, and work.  She will not deal with roadside assistance.  She says I have ruined her life.  She hates me.  She wants a divorce, but pick her up food, handle the dogs, the kids, everything.

She says if she loses kids " I know what will happen".  That is she will kill herself, but she says so veiled I cannot do anything.  I keep pushing for us as a family to get help or her to get help.  A doctor, that this is more than I can help with.  I am not qualified for this.  She is refusing.

So I leave... .son stuck alone with her.  This feels like she is destined to kill herself.  I cannot stop it, but I can delay it by living in this hell.  I do it because I do love her, because I do not want the kids to lose their mother.  I do not want this life anymore.  The guilt of knowing that some is my fault, but not knowing how much.  If I was stay at home nursing care for her it would be what she wants time wise, but then how to pay bills.  If I am home, she hates me.  I see no way out... .save myself and live with tremendous guilt and I will end up having to get a restraining order I know and lose the kids or endure something that I can honestly say is worse than death.   I mean, what her mind is doing to her is even worse, but... .I cannot force her to get help.  I have no right to tell her what to do.  I have no control over the kids.  I do not want to abandon them to this.  If I call in CPS or police, I might as well hand her a gun to kill herself... .

Then according to her its my fault, maybe I am not seeing what is right to do.  Maybe I can do something different

[UnfadingLife]

NO NO NO!  :)on't give up!  I'm in the same headspace as you right now!  :)ay 4 of my clarity. But, I have my kids with me. I'm "mom" and it's easier for me. But I don't know what he has spinning in his head right now. I need to make ME better for myself and the kids. Your son KNOWS you love him and just make sure you tell him that you're doing what you're doing for him.  
It's rough dealing with a BPD spouse alone, but to navigate thru the thick, mucky waters while trying to keep your kids clean will never happen.  But as long as we love them, they know we love them and they know we do all we can, they have a good chance of coming out on the other side of this mess better people.

[momtara]

HurtHusband, the same pattern has been going on for a while. i remember that for a period of weeks, you did get your wife into some sort of care, maybe a day program or something else. I wonder if years from now you'll regret that you didn't do something differently - meaning, be very clear with the people whose job it is to help you. When one little difficulty can cause everything to shut down - a car not working, a family member sick, whatever - you are constantly juggling and fearing you'll drop a ball. I know you love your wife. I know you love the kids. You have to talk to someone who can help, a therapist for you (yes i know you can't afford it), family services for your religion, someone in outreach, someone who will save you from having to be the one trying to constantly stop her from hurting herself or others. The same pattern keeps up and you can barely work (but can't quit), can barely keep her happy (but can't give up)... .you need to do something to change. We all get trapped in dysfunctional situations too long when there was a way to change things, and we wished we'd seen it. Please get help from someone whose job it is to do so. Your wife may get mad at first but it may save you all.

[hurthusband]

she is refusing all care.  she will not go to a hospital saying its just a waste of money. She jumped on my car and hit me other day... .neighbors called police who of course were accusing me of doing everything

things are so bad... if i leave she has no hope.  kids are turning against her and have problems of their own

[HopefulDad]

Baby steps, my friend... .

First, if you are not in your own therapy, you need to go now.  All of these things you wrote here, you need to repeat them to a T.

You must take care of yourself first.  You sound like a shell of a person right now and are no good to anyone who even remotely counts on you.  Not your wife, not your children, not your employer... .nobody.

Good luck.

[momtara]

How are things going, buddy?
You have said if you leave she has no hope. But you feel that her causing harm to herself or the kids (and she is already causing a lot of emotional harm) is inevitable.
You had people helping her before. They realized the seriousness of the situation. You have to make them aware again. Write them a letter and say that she is going to kill herself unless they get involved, that you as a family can't go on like this. That you need them to recommend a real solution that will get her the right treatment and keep it. Maybe she goes back into a day program so you and the kids have some sanity, or maybe a longer program. If she's still acting out, being violent, she needs different drugs.
That puts the pressure on them to do something.