I'm exhausted...

[Cat Familiar]

My husband is out of town to see the symphony and I stayed home to take care of the animals. I really don't like big cities; they make me feel anxious. Doing the math of preparing to leave, getting everything ready for the animal and house sitter, driving for hours through heavily congested freeways, hearing sirens all night, enduring crazy taxi drivers from the hotel to the concert venue--all for a show that lasts maybe two and a half hours-- it doesn't add up for me.

So I'm having my own private staycation and a very light schedule of responsibilities and I'm loving it! My husband has a couple of longer trips planned in coming months and I'll be able to catch up on projects and do fun stuff and wash the floors without someone needing to walk on them while they're still wet.

Thanks to all the help and info I've received here and my individual therapy, things are relatively smooth with my husband and me, other than the occasional weird reaction, my annoyance at his lack of responsibility and other assorted minor issues. I can't complain.

That said, I realize how exhausted I am from dealing with him. I think it's one of those things where I've been learning new skills and they're starting to become automatic, but I've spent a ton of energy learning as well as changing my behavior.

So I'm just gonna enjoy my time off (for good behavior), at least that's what it feels like sometimes.

[flowerpath]

Hi, Cat.  Isn't having time to yourself great? 

Carefully measuring your thoughts, actions, words, body language, and facial expressions far beyond what you'd do when communicating with most people really is exhausting.  Being careful about my thoughts takes the most work, and is the most exhausting of all.

Quiet time alone is like a precious gift.  Enjoy!

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, Flowerpath. As it becomes more habitual to be aware of communicating in a BPD-specific manner, I'm hoping it becomes easier and takes less mental energy. I think it will.

Being alone is really a treat, especially for an INFJ. Life is good! Nice to recharge the batteries. And I so appreciate BPD Family!

[waverider]

The good thing is you wont feel as anxious about him returning so you will be able to relax more

[formflier]

Being alone is really a treat, especially for an INFJ. Life is good! Nice to recharge the batteries. And I so appreciate BPD Family!

Really interesting to see the kind of people that show up here.  I'm an ESTJ.  My wife is INFP.

I'm sure nobody has ever detected any sort of judgmental attitude from me... .

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Well 24 + hours alone really recharged my batteries and I suspect my husband had a similar experience, getting to see the symphony. He did mention how crazy big cities are, so I think he understands somewhat how difficult it is for me to spend time there.

What I realized is that, as much as I take alone time, work in the garden, ride horses, hang out with friends, work out--it's almost like I need even MORE of that, guilt-free time, just to take care of myself.

Perhaps as validating and other strategies become more second-nature, I'll feel less stressed being around him, but until then, I've got to remember to take care of myself.

Formflier, both BPD husbands have tested as INFP, also known as the "Tragic Romantic." My sympathies. 

[Verbena]

Cat Familiar,

It was a month-long trip that my husband took about five years ago that, as I look back on it, really cemented my feelings about him.  I didn't miss him during the time he was gone.  At all.  I felt a freedom that I hadn't felt since I married him in 1982--freedom from his negativity, his seething anger, his daily chastising of everything I did, his overriding disapproval and resentment of me. 

When he returned back home, within ten minutes I felt like a giant hand was pushing me back down, sucking the life right out of the room.  I think I knew then that I would just much rather live by myself.  And now, I'm divorcing him. 

I'm not suggesting you will, or should, take that route.  I do understand, though, just how important it is to spend time away from a disordered, difficult husband.  Continue to take care of yourself and use the skills you've learned to deal with your husband.  I think you are doing a great job. 

[Cat Familiar]

I think the challenge is to have that freedom on a regular basis and for me, as a recovering codependent, that involves a certain amount of letting go of caring about what he thinks or feels. It's ironic because when he's dysregulating, he claims that I "don't care" about how he feels, yet my problem is that I care too much.

I've been better about letting him clean up his messes, which has also been a challenge for me, with my OCD tendencies. I used to take it as a passive aggressive insult when I'd wake up to find a mess in the kitchen that was due to his midnight snacking while drinking. But on those few occasions when this happens, I try to ignore it and leave it for him to find (and clean up) when he awakens. (Thinking about this now, when he wakes with a hangover, what could be more appropriate than seeing the mess he made the evening before--consequences!)

Recently I feel like I've been able to let go of the huge backlog of resentment I've felt for this man. I don't want to build that up again. Without resentment, I'm more willing to validate him and when I can do that in a natural and easy manner, it works wonders. It's not a skill that I've refined because I never was validated much as a child and I haven't had good role models to learn from. Also I need to steer clear of trying to validate or use SET in a formulaic way because he sees right through that and it is a huge invalidation. So much to learn, but as I do, things get easier!