Letting go of the rope, Kid full hostage , don't see what options I have

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Please see Nona's latest  posts.

for our history

June 3 false allegations have had D13 stuck in OZ with UBPDX on another takedown of me for 3 weeks.

UBPD controls all her access and communication with me.

Everyone who touches the case makes UBPD teflon.

Yesterday child protection visited me. My plea:

D13 has told 3 different versions of alleged abuse.

Long history of alienation to the point of lying to all authorities against me.

I refuse to participate in he said she said BS, There is a record. NO one is BRAVE enough to stand up to the situation.

yet normal love when she was with me 50/50.

she knows he is BPD, porn addict, gas lighting her she can articulate all, and still must do his bidding.


I have received a court application for him to take EVERYTHING... .BPD style

I must go settlement route. offer residential .

and find a lawyer in small town good old boy town.

As my good lawyer, who gets it... .QUIT... .scared of him.

D13 KNOWS the TRUTH, we love each other, but she just threw me under the bus again... .BPD traits or just exhausted. or playing her own game...

I don't know.

she has chosen to back UBPD in Canada she is of the age to choose.

This is SOO crazy... she is texting me behind his back, love notes, and wants me to prepare her for MAJOR summer events with UBPDX.

I have always taken up the slack slack slack.

I think I must give residential care, no money. all the lawyers are in the same game here.

gotta stop the push-pull bleeding on my kid. I give and send her only love... we had a good five years, but this turns the table.

Child protection has enough from me to take her out... .

but with her insisting on Dad?

Im looking at ways to retain some kind of contact... .parent teen mediator... .What the heck?

She refuses counseling, she and he claim she is cutting in my house... .NOT EVER.

ALL BS

how to retain something? at this point he is demanding supervised visitation!

guess Im hiring a lawyer just to get out?

It will crash, it may take my daughter terribly hurt before anybody will advocate for her.

Crushed.

[nona]

Please see Nona's latest  posts.

for our history

June 3 false allegations have had D13 stuck in OZ with UBPDX on another takedown of me for 3 weeks.

UBPD controls all her access and communication with me.

Everyone who touches the case makes UBPD teflon.

Yesterday child protection visited me. My plea:

D13 has told 3 different versions of alleged abuse.

Long history of alienation to the point of lying to all authorities against me.

I refuse to participate in he said she said BS, There is a record. NO one is BRAVE enough to stand up to the situation.

yet normal love when she was with me 50/50.

she knows he is BPD, porn addict, gas lighting her she can articulate all, and still must do his bidding.


I have received a court application for him to take EVERYTHING... .BPD style

I must go settlement route. offer residential .

and find a lawyer in small town good old boy town.

As my good lawyer, who gets it... .QUIT... .scared of him.

D13 KNOWS the TRUTH, we love each other, but she just threw me under the bus again... .BPD traits or just exhausted. or playing her own game...

I don't know.

she has chosen to back UBPD in Canada she is of the age to choose.

This is SOO crazy... she is texting me behind his back, love notes, and wants me to prepare her for MAJOR summer events with UBPDX.

I have always taken up the slack slack slack.

I think I must give residential care, no money. all the lawyers are in the same game here.

gotta stop the push-pull bleeding on my kid. I give and send her only love... we had a good five years, but this turns the table.

Child protection has enough from me to take her out... .

but with her insisting on Dad?

Im looking at ways to retain some kind of contact... .parent teen mediator... .What the heck?

She refuses counseling, she and he claim she is cutting in my house... .NOT EVER.

ALL BS

how to retain something? at this point he is demanding supervised visitation!

guess Im hiring a lawyer just to get out?

It will crash, it may take my daughter terribly hurt before anybody will advocate for her.

Crushed.

[Kwamina]

Hi Nona,

You are dealing with some very difficult issues. I am very sorry you are going through this. It is already hard enough dealing with an uBPD ex, these problems with child protection services only make it even more difficult.

How is the situation with your daughter now? Have you been able to find a new lawyer to help you through this?

Take care

[nona]

Difficult issue 

Daughter hostage with UBPDAD 

LAwyer 

Thanks for validating.

[ForeverDad]

I feel so much for you.  Though I and many others haven't had it so hard and/or for so long, some ideas here on the site should have some benefit.  I faced many allegations in the early years.  As I look back, I've begun calling it The Lost Decade.  Sadly, things haven't gotten better for you as it usually does, eventually.  But all is not lost.

Step back and regain a measure of perspective.  You're in the thick of it and overwhelmed, especially since you're still fighting in the trenches.  Can you step far enough away from the battleground to gain some objectivity?  That's an idea we often give.  For example, imagine your troubles are actually a friend's troubles.  What suggestions and strategies might you offer that friend?  Looking from the outside to the inside is quite different from looking at the inside from the inside.

Be a duck... .Let the pressure from Ex roll off like water off a duck's back.  Yes he has a loud bark and even a terrible bite.  But it's up to you how much you let it impact you.  Will you remain a victim or transform into a survivor?

You don't have to agree to anything that you see as improper or wrong.  Is supervised wrong?  Of course.  Is giving up residential wrong?  Of course.  So don't.  Yes, a judge might order a change but YOU don't have to cave in.  Just defend yourself to the judge, evaluators or others.  Then whatever happens you can know you did what you could.  At least you gave your daughter some stable parenting for several years.  To repeat, you have done what you could for many years.

After all these years, it may be okay to decide not to keep hiring lawyers who can't or won't stick by you.  This does NOT mean giving up or giving in to your Ex's demands and threats.  You can still speak up for yourself before evaluators, judges and others.  You can summarize the history when stating your case.  You can make sure the facts are presented.  For example, supervised visitation is very unlikely unless the "abuse, neglect or endangerment".  If it hasn't been demonstrated after all these years then quite likely the court won't find basis for supervision now.  Not saying it can't happen, but if you defend yourself in court and before the professionals then it probably won't happen.

How does this sound?  Is this possible?  If so, then it can be one way to not give up and become a puddle of goo.

"Your Honor, I have a statement to make, on the record.  I've been here in family court so many times I've virtually lost count.  It shouldn't be that way.  My Ex has caused so much needless conflict that many of the professionals involved just gave up on finding a lasting fix.  No matter how many times I've come to court with solutions to reduce conflict, they've been consistently sabotaged.  I currently have - (is it equal time?) - and have always tried to be a very involved mother with as much parenting as possible.  But my Ex has created so much conflict and unsubstantiated allegations that I keep being forced to return to defend myself and my parenting.  I ask the court to discern the distress and problems he has caused for our daughter.  She surely have been impacted and all she has known for virtually her entire childhood, her most formative years, has been being stuck in the middle, certainly not healthy for her.  I want what's best for her.  My Ex won't Let Go, cooperate and be satisfied with peaceful co-parenting.  He's more concerned with creating allegations and continuing conflict than for seeking solutions best for our daughter.  It's to the point now that I have to represent myself.  Sadly, until now it looks like I can't succeed in stepping forward to gain more parenting as the calm, stable, peaceful parent.  So I ask the court, please, for our daughter's sake, keep the parenting as it is, don't let an oppositional parent chip away at my parenting, my daughter needs her mother."

[nona]

Thanks. That is very helpful. I have had 6 lawyer rejections since this post.

I have one more to try.

But now I think I am being painted black? by daughter? I posted in parenting Bpd kids board.

Daughter and talked for the first time today, at first she was real sweet and wants to go on holiday with me. when I asked about the alleged abuse I am denying...

she accused me again of her "story"... .I did not validate. I defended myself., stated what really happened, and It was like I am talking to her father.

she told me "until you can admit, I want no contact"

Im sure there is something i should have done differently>
I don't know what.

how can I validate when they are taking me down.

I fear losing my daughter to that hell I knew for so long.

Her and I were on the same page about BPDDAD March to June. Now this curve ball.

I am honestly lost.

[Kwamina]

how can I validate when they are taking me down.

I am sorry you are now having these new problems with your daughter. I think when it comes to validating it is important to keep in mind to validate the valid and only the valid, not the invalid:

Let's first look at the importance of being true and authentic to ourselves. If we can't be true and authentic, we are sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of another, and we are most likely enabling another person's dysfunction. This helps no one.

For these reason, validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”.

Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.

So, the first thing to learn in validating others is to be able to identify something to validate in a "sea" of conflict that is both valid and important to the other person.

To help you deal with false accusations and to avoid circular arguments, it can also help to consider the concept of J.A.D.E.  :)on't J.A.D.E. as in don't justify, argue, defend or explain is often a good tactic when you find yourself dealing with false accusations and distortions of reality. By not J.A.D.E.-ing you can (hopefully) avoid getting dragged into a circular argument. You can read more about it here: Stopping circular arguments and dealing with false accusations

You've been a member for a long time so you probably have seen those resources before. Still, especially during trying times like this, it might help to re-visit the tools and lessons here to see if something might apply to what you are currently dealing with.

Take care

The Board Parrot