Not Sure Where to Go with This...Rebuilding Trust?

[Meili]

I'll try to make the background as short as possible.

1.5ish years with uBPDexgf. I suffer from complex PTSD (I'm now in T).  's for both of us in the beginning. We both ignored. Intense r/s. I initiated several breakups. They were ugly!

During one of the breaks a year ago, I started talking to my last ex. We were just friends, but I shouldn't have done it. The other ex is a bit uNPD. She claims to love me and shower me with gifts until she gets bored or I don't do what she wants. But, given that I felt completely rejected by my uBPDexgf, this played right into my need for ego kibble.

Got back together with the uBPD, but I didn't have the sense to stop talking to the uNPD because of the comfort she provided that the uBPD didn't. This didn't sit well, understandably, with the uBPD. Many fights followed as a result. Still I held onto the uNPD. What followed was a spiral of devaluation coupled with my talking more and more to the uNPD to get the ego kibble to maintain the r/s with the uBPD. OK, not the best of plans, I admit. But, my C-PTSD was peaked and I was in absolute survival-mode.

Finally, I ended things with the uBPD about two months ago. I spent time with the uNPD during that time because I was NC with the uBPD and I used her to soothe my pain.

A week ago, I broke NC. The communication was fairly well received. But about 70% of it seems to revolve around how horrible I was for keeping the uNPD in the r/s. I acknowledge and apologize for doing that.

uBPDexgf says that she still loves me, misses us, wants me back, but can't do anything as long as I'm still talking to uNPD. Now, NC with uNPD.

uBPD, tells me that she's now met another man and thinks that she might be interested in a r/s with him. But, she can't get past the fear of being cheated on. But, she would prefer to be with me (depending on which point in the discussion you pay attention to), if only she could get over the fear of being cheated on.

She's in T and her T confirmed that my being close friends with the uNPD was indeed cheating, but hasn't given her any advice on how to trust again.

So, she doesn't trust me and I don't trust her. Not a great start here! I'm looking for advice about building trust again. Any words of wisdom?

I know time and consistency. But, hey, when she won't see me because she doesn't trust me that's kinda hard.

Oh, and I realize that there's a possibility that she's just stringing me along for her own whatever. That's fine. I know what I'm dealing with here and keeping my emotions in check. If she wants to work on us, great. If not, I will understand and not take it too personally. I've done the self-destruct bit already.

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[jrharvey]

This sounds horrible. Its similar to what I had going on. Been exclusive and faithful to my BPD girlfriend and its still a wild ride of accusations and highs and lows. Im not sure you can ever rebuild trust with a BPD because they never had trust to start with.

[livednlearned]

Hi Meili,

Talking about trust is not likely to build it, tho it can make it more likely to take the next step forward. This means not making promises that are impossible to keep (i.e. "I will never hurt you," "I will never talk to her again.". It may mean saying things that are authentic and validating (i.e. "You feel really hurt and betrayed. You want to trust me and that's hard to do. I understand. It takes a lot of courage to trust." Something like that, in your words.

A challenge I see is that there is guilt on your part, and that makes it much easier to lose sure footing with her. You need a solid surface beneath your feet to manage the intense feelings she will feel about not trusting (anyone), which is manifested by a distrust in you.

When there has been intense hurt in a relationship, the hard part is not repairing trust in someone else, the hard part is learning to trust your own response to their pain and your's.

People with BPD tend to regulate their emotions externally. That means if you show yourself self-compassion, and are calm in the face of her emotional outbursts, she may be able to regulate her feelings toward yours instead of the other way around.

Make sense?

[Meili]

Thank you, and yes, it makes perfect sense.

I do have quite a bit of guilt regarding my part in the demise of the r/s. I made poor choices, acted out of fear and impulse. But, based on what I've learned, most of us start to react and mirror the reactions of pwBPD. That is, at least, a little comfort to me.

I'm working on self-regulating my own emotions. As I gain more confidence and love for myself, it is getting much easier. My own fears of abandonment are not as strong, so I don't react as I used to. I trying to listen more to what she is actually telling me than I am the words that she's using. I'm also paying attention to how I'm feeling about what she's saying rather than trying to prove her reality wrong.

I am trying to stay calm and give her the space and time that she needs to deal with her emotions and reactions. In the meantime, I'm continuing to focus on how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing so that I stop making impulsive decisions.

[Meili]

She has beenough really cool with me about helping me trust her more lately. She, without being mushy, has reminded me several times that there is still some chance at reconciliation and that she still has feelings for me.

She's also done a couple of things that I am looking at as overtures towards moving off center. They are nothing major in the grand scheme of things  (like offering to unblock me on social media and telling me that it wouldn't upset her if we end up at the same social events since we used to run in the same social circle).

I'm trying to not get my hopes up. What she views this as push/pull on my part. It's weird it's when I start to push her away that she reminds me that she's still in limbo because she doesn't trust that we won't cycle through all of it again, and at the same time she reminds me that I'm still important to her and still here in many senses.

My ability to be cool and calm and reassure her is less eloquent. I'm more aggressive and pointed about it. I can't tell if she's responding in a good or bad way though. I get so lost in my lack of trust and just put all of my feelings out there. I think that it might be too intense for her. I need to find a way to show her that I still care without looking as I'm pulling away. I probably shouldn't have declined the unblocking offer.

She has given me exactly what I asked for hiwever; a chance to learn to be friends and see if we can rebuild the trust.

[Meili]

hhmmm... .that last post should have said "She has been really cool with me... ." Not sure what happened there.

Anyway, just a real quick thought before I venture out in the world to try to meet new people and make new friends... .

I really wish that there had been/was/is some way to tell my x, which would be meaningful to her, that rather than raging, insulting, splitting me black, and all of the other horrible things that she did to me she could have just said, "I'm scared." and I would have immediately stopped everything, no matter what I was doing, and listened to her.

Of course, I also want her to reconcile with me. As we all know, just wanting things doesn't do much good.

Have a great weekend everyone if I don't make it back to the boards before it's over.

[livednlearned]

I really wish that there had been/was/is some way to tell my x, which would be meaningful to her, that rather than raging, insulting, splitting me black, and all of the other horrible things that she did to me she could have just said, "I'm scared." and I would have immediately stopped everything, no matter what I was doing, and listened to her.

Would validation also work in those situations? "I can understand how you would feel angry. People feel that way when someone does xyz, I know I've felt that way too." 

[Meili]

I'm not sure that it would have. I did a horrible job of validating her back then. But, validation was extremely tricky. It wasn't just that she wanted her feelings and perceptions validated, but she wanted the "facts" that substantiated her feelings confirmed as real. That's where I struggled.

I had no problem with how she felt about a particular situation. With her, I always supported the fact that feelings are never wrong. Before things got really out of hand, I would try to understand that she felt the way that she did. As things progressed, I stopped that though. We'd get into arguments like:

Her: "I can't believe that you didn't do X, a good bf would have done X."
Me: "Not only did I try to do X, but I also did Y."
Her: "But, you didn't do X."
Me: "But, I couldn't do X because you did Z."

I began to JADE. At the time, I didn't know what was happening. None of it made any sense to me.