Living with the fallout of mom's BPD

[BPDmomSchizdad]

Just reading the stories here has been therapeutic.

Like others, my mom told me she had been diagnosed with BPD years ago, but because she loves drama, I dismissed it sort of in one ear and out the other, as just another in the long list of victimhood and self-involvement. Only recently did I begin to take it seriously and read up on it. It describes her perfectly (along with bipolar). She's morbidly obese with joint issues and MS.

My dad has Paranoid Schizophrenia.

She left our family when my sister and I were 6 and 7. My dad raised us (remarkably, with the help of his mother and aunts) and because he was so faithful to remain medicated was gainfully employed until retirement.

Because it was cheaper to live together than apart, she returned to our lives in HS (after years of long distance relationship and my dad trying to make it work and caring for her even through relationships with other men, and giving her financial support).

During the distance, we endured multiple suicide attempts, rages, chasing my father with knives, etc.

I was definitely subjected to emotional incest as well.

In the recent past, my dad was afraid (because of Schizophrenia) to get medical treatment to determine care for his prostate. I knew that he had lost some weight, but I did not know how severely. When I showed up at their apartment, I took him immediately to the hospital - he was not peeing, and not not eaten anything in two weeks. His weight dropped to 117. I thought for sure he would die that very week.

He has since been in the ICU, recovered sufficiently to be a rehab facility, and is now back home (we still do not know if he has prostate cancer, more tests to come.)

For her, his condition seems to only be a situation for others to feel sympathy for her.

I learned while he was in the hospital that fear of their financial situation may have actually kept him from getting treatment. She routinely buys tons of gifts for us, and tons of stuff for herself (and she has absolutely nothing to show for it), but doesn't take care of necessities like groceries, car repairs, or doctor's copays.  Instead, she uses others for necessities by taking advantage of their sympathy, because they don't know her behaviors.

I'm at wits end. We have her on our family phone plan. She hasn't paid us in 4 months. I most recently paid my dad's urology bill and bought them groceries.

She used her mother (thousands of dollars in credit card debt), she bankrupted our family twice, we lost our home, she's broken trusts with every person she is close to her. My sister and I have always felt that she chose "things" over relationships with us, always trying to buy us.

I don't want her to have a relationship with my 3 yr old son.

I don't know how to extricate myself from her life without also abandoning my father who's health is on the line.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BPDMomSchizDad: 

My dad has Paranoid Schizophrenia. She left our family when my sister and I were 6 and 7. My dad raised us (remarkably, with the help of his mother and aunts) and because he was so faithful to remain medicated was gainfully employed until retirement.

I'm so very sorry for your situation growing up, you need a hug    Your dad's dedication to staying on his meds and remaining employed until retirement, it amazing.  It must have been very difficult for all 3 of you (you, your sister and dad).

How old is your dad?  Do you live close to your dad?  How about your aunts, are they still in the picture?

 

I'm at wits end. We have her on our family phone plan. She hasn't paid us in 4 months. I most recently paid my dad's urology bill and bought them groceries.     

Have you thought about removing her from the plan?  What made you decide to add her to your plan, was it perhaps Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG)?

LINK TO: FOG 

Are you able to have an honest and open discussion with your dad about finances (perhaps when you mom isn't around)?

I don't want her to have a relationship with my 3 yr old son.

What type of interaction has there been up to this point, other than providing gifts?  Does mom present the gifts personally?

I don't know how to extricate myself from her life without also abandoning my father who's health is on the line.

Boundaries can be very important and could be used to restrict interactions with your mom.  Check out the info. below:

LINK TO BOUNDARIES  

LINK TO DISCUSSION ON BOUNDARIES 

There is a lot of good information here that can likely help you.  Take it a step at a time, come back and talk to us about it.  There are a lot of helpful people here who can help you learn to use some skills with your mom.   

[BPDmomSchizdad]

My dad is a saint and a hero. He did far more than could have ever been expected of him, and then some. (When my mom left in the early 1980s, the meds for my dad were better than the meds for my mom.)

My dad is 67. My mom turns 65 this year. My dad is an only child. And all of his aunts have passed. My mom's sisters are typically pitted against one another - somehow my mom is usually in the middle of that as she goes back and forth between them.

I, my wife, and son live about 2 1/2 hrs away.  My sister lives about 4 hrs away. When I go, I take day trips or stay with friends. I don't stay with them because of their living conditions.

We were able to talk about finances with my dad while in the hospital and rehab facility. He doesn't know the severity of their situation - no one knows the details except her. (To my knowledge she doesn't have credit cards yet. She's currently getting drafts from their checking account for QVC "easy-pay" items.)

Bipolar meds have been fairly successful with my mom. The rage has disappeared, but it seems like she's numb and disassociates more. Nothing seems to rattle her at all. My sister is nearly completely out of the picture with very limited interactions. We've had a fairly successful restorative relationship with my mom - visits, phone calls, FaceTime with my son, etc. and it generally seemed like she had gotten some control of the most destructive behavior after they lost their home. Gifts have always felt like ways of buying our affection. She both sends gifts and gives them in person. She was buying second-hang bags full of clothes for our son - I just learned many of them had been given to her because the person felt bad for her situation. (We've been reselling gifts on Buy/Sell/Trade sights and saving the money.) I told her when I last saw her (this past week) that under no circumstances would we accept another gift. I will keep this boundary.

This most recent episode with my dad's health and finding out about her QVC situation has brought back tons of anger on my end. (I saw a FB post in which my mom was asking a friend who knits to make her a sweater - the cost of it because of her size would be near $500.)

She was on our phone plan to help them reduce their expenses. Yes, I did it because of guilt. Even now she's posted a half dozen word art quotes on FB or Pinterest that simultaneously present her as a martyr and issue a healthy dose of guilt.

Boundaries are going to be essential. I want to be thoughtful about how to remove her from our plan. She has the most recent iteration of iphone in my name (better than mine or my wife's) and still owes money on it. I don't want to just cut it off, but give her a grace period to come up with an alternative. Trying to not just react, but be proactive and thoughtful about moving forward. If anger gets the best of me, I think I'll make it all worse.

[Fie]

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation.  Kuddos for you and your dad. You both sound like wonderful people.

Is there a way to make sure your dad does not get endebted for when your mother would make  debts ? (are they  still officially married / do they have a marriage contract that needs to be adapted for this ?)

Is your dad still able  to handle his finances / does he have a pension ?

[BPDmomSchizdad]

They did remarry.

I honestly have no idea how to keep his finances apart from hers, apart from a POA, but I don't think he'd go for that. He has a small pension, VA benefits, and SS.

[Fie]

I don't know what the abbreviations stand for, I guess that's because I'm living in another country than you.

Maybe to make sure you have some  peace of mind for yourself, you can discuss this with your  father ? You can tell him you worry about this, and you want to make sure that there's enough money for his medical expenses ?

So if you think that he's too dedicated to your mum to consider this, maybe  you can tell him that it is also important for you, because then you will worry less about him ? They do have a history of debts, so maybe he will see it is not imaginary ?

[BPDmomSchizdad]

POA = Power of Attorney

VA = veterans administration

SS = social security

My dad defends her, and I think he feels sorry for her. It doesn't seem like he really remembers how bad it has been or the grief she's causing now.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BPDmomSchizdad   

My dad is a saint and a hero. He did far more than could have ever been expected of him, and then some. (When my mom left in the early 1980s, the meds for my dad were better than the meds for my mom.)

Have you ever been able to express your gratitude to your dad?

We were able to talk about finances with my dad while in the hospital and rehab facility. He doesn't know the severity of their situation - no one knows the details except her. (To my knowledge she doesn't have credit cards yet. She's currently getting drafts from their checking account for QVC "easy-pay" items.)

If you dad would accept your help, would you be willing to look over their fiances (& perhaps look over their latest tax return) to get an idea of where they stand financially.  If they won't take any advice, there isn't much you can do, but just let mom bankrupt them.

Is your dad getting medical services through the Veteran's Admin. (VA), or is he using Medicare?  When does he go back for further tests?

Boundaries are going to be essential. I want to be thoughtful about how to remove her from our plan. She has the most recent iteration of iphone in my name (better than mine or my wife's) and still owes money on it. I don't want to just cut it off, but give her a grace period to come up with an alternative. Trying to not just react, but be proactive and thoughtful about moving forward. If anger gets the best of me, I think I'll make it all worse. .

It should be a relief to get out of the phone situation.  With mom's spending problems, might be best if she gets a phone plan that she prepays each month.  Might be a blessing if she has a dumb phone, as opposed to a smart phone.  It could be good if she can't shop with her phone.  I've heard where some low-income elderly people in the US can qualify for a free phone.  Here is a link:  www.freegovernmentcellphone.net/free-cell-phones-for-senior-citizens 

My dad defends her, and I think he feels sorry for her. It doesn't seem like he really remembers how bad it has been or the grief she's causing now.

Is it possible that either your dad's mental illness or his meds might contribute to his not remembering the reality about your mom.  Sometimes, even with mentally healthy people, bad memories can fade with time.

This information on  COMMUNICATIONS might be helpful to you down the road.  Check it out when you have a chance.

Keep in touch and let us know how you and your dad are doing.  Don't hesitate to discuss any of the skills/lessons.

[BPDmomSchizdad]

I have expressed how much I appreciate him and what he did for us.

While in the hospital, I thought my dad did want my help to sort things out and help them get on track financially. I honestly don't know if I have the emotional capacity to do it - it seems like only taking over completely will actually help (which I don't think I'm up for, especially living 2 1/2 hrs away) and doing it partially seems exhausting as well. 

My dad gets medical services through a Medicare alternative (which is actually less coverage) provided when he was forced into early retirement from his union job. They have kept that coverage because it provided coverage to my mom (until this year when she too will get Medicare).

We now know that there is nothing wrong with his colon. He is scheduled for a prostate biopsy in a couple weeks.

My mom doesn't make decisions based on logic - no way she'll give up her smartphone unless her finances get to the point that they simply turn it off. She's managed to avoid natural consequences (often because of our rescuing). That needs to end.

I'm sure he does remember the past. He just whitewashes it and because he has so much pity, he is too gracious and patient and eternally optimistic.

[Naughty Nibbler]

While in the hospital, I thought my dad did want my help to sort things out and help them get on track financially. I honestly don't know if I have the emotional capacity to do it - it seems like only taking over completely will actually help (which I don't think I'm up for, especially living 2 1/2 hrs away) and doing it partially seems exhausting as well.

 

You can make suggestions, but if Dad won't encourage BPD mom to comply, then you have no power.  Just thinking out loud about some things to consider:

• Dad could get/pay an accountant or financial planner to look over their fiances and give advice



• No debit card use (I had to jump through some hoops to get a traditional ATM card without debit with BOA)



• Restrict credit card use



• Automatic Bill Pay for certain things:  Perhaps for monthly medical insurance payment and other reoccurring things



• Make out a budget



• Restrict mom's opportunity to buy (get rid of credit cards, perhaps only give her access to a prepaid credit card)

Here is a link to a website for Senior Services.  You select the category of what you want and enter your zip code and it will give you some references:  www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx

My dad gets medical services through a Medicare alternative (which is actually less coverage) provided when he was forced into early retirement from his union job. They have kept that coverage because it provided coverage to my mom (until this year when she too will get Medicare).

 

Will dad transition to Medicare with mom?  You have to buy supplemental policies with Medicare, in order to limit the amount you end up paying for care.

My mom doesn't make decisions based on logic - no way she'll give up her smartphone unless her finances get to the point that they simply turn it off. She's managed to avoid natural consequences (often because of our rescuing). That needs to end.

When you feel comfortable, you need to set the boundary about the phone and take the first opportunity to get it transferred over to her and her own account.  I know it will depend on the terms of purchase or rental for the phone.

Here is a big hug   I can't imagine what you are going through.  My parents were financially responsible, but I know how   challenging it can be to try to help out when one of your parent's won't get on board with a logical solution/help.

Best wishes with setting some boundaries.     MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS and  RADICAL ACCEPTANCE  can be helpful.