Joined eHarmony to help me detach and move on

[Wize]

My divorce is happening and my marriage is over.  My dad has talked a lot about how he met my mom while he was going through a nasty divorce with his exwife.  He said it was amazing to have my mom come along during that time because it reminded him that he's still lovable and life isn't over.

I'm 43 and not really into the bar/night scene so online dating seems like a good option.  I've met some really nice women on the site and it's given me hope that there is still someone out there for me. 

Sure, maybe it's premature and part of my heart is still attached to my wife but I know it's over and I need to remind myself that there are healthy single women still out there. 

Any thoughts?

[jhkbuzz]

Let us know how it goes - I've wanted to join myself, but haven't worked up the nerve! 

[Wize]

Let us know how it goes - I've wanted to join myself, but haven't worked up the nerve! 

Yes, I will let you know.  I've had many good matches so far, albeit outside my immediate area.  I live in a small, rural community so eharmony is matching me with women an hour or so away, which is fine. 

For me, this is a way for me to look forward instead of back.  It's helping to me to visualize a life without my stbx wife and with another person.  My experience has been positive, from an emotional point of view.  It's therapeutic.

[KarmasReal]

Hey wize,

It seems great minds think alike cause I too joined eharmony about a month ago. Leo, trying to move forward instead of back. I live in a small area too and most matches are an hour or two away. I haven't yet met anyone in there as I really don't know the whole online dating etiquette and ways. I've gotten a couple of telephone numbers but I've yet to call or see anyone I guess I'm still a bit gun shy from my break up. Let me know how you're doing things and your experiences and I'll let you know about mine. Best of luck on there!

[seenr]

I have tried this before during break ups with my ex. It is good to get out of the house and you can meet some lovely people.

This time around though I am nowhere near ready and fear there are a lot of dark days before being ready. I fear that my ex has already moved on and is on sites that I'd like to go on. I went on one in December 2014 and was matched with her. The shock almost killed me. I know we are all entitled to a life but I want to be in a different space to her.

I hope it goes well for you and you meet some lovely people :-)

[Wize]

Hey wize,

It seems great minds think alike cause I too joined eharmony about a month ago. Leo, trying to move forward instead of back. I live in a small area too and most matches are an hour or two away. I haven't yet met anyone in there as I really don't know the whole online dating etiquette and ways. I've gotten a couple of telephone numbers but I've yet to call or see anyone I guess I'm still a bit gun shy from my break up. Let me know how you're doing things and your experiences and I'll let you know about mine. Best of luck on there!

I'm just taking the communication very slowly.  I'm not pushy, just letting it flow naturally.  This is my second week as a member, and, judging by the way things have been going, I'm pretty optimistic.  There is one girl, a redhead, that I was matched with my first day on the site.  She really caught my eye so I sent her a "smile." I didn't hear anything back from her until yesterday when she said she wanted to know a little more about me.  

The nice thing about eharmony, unlike in real life, is you don't have to figure out who's available and who's not.  These are people looking for a long term relationship/marriage and they're not playing games. They're professionals with their sh!t together.  And like me, there's a lot of members who are christian and conservative.  So the guess work and game playing is taken out of the dating mix and you just communicate to find out if you're compatible.

[hurting300]

Be careful. Dating site are literally crawling with low self esteem and disorder.

[Wize]

Be careful. Dating site are literally crawling with low self esteem and disorder.

How is that different than real life?

And fyi, eHarmony is a little different than your average dating site.  It's a little more serious and professional.  It's not a hookup site.

[Herodias]

I would say be careful too... .you never know. Just watch out for the red flags... .Some people lie. You have to know that through this site. I agree with hurting300. My ex was on several dating sites and I know a guy that is on e harmony and has a craigslist ad describing his private parts! Learn the red flags and you will be fine.

[Wize]

I would say be careful too... .you never know. Just watch out for the red flags... .Some people lie. You have to know that through this site. I agree with hurting300. My ex was on several dating sites and I know a guy that is on e harmony and has a craigslist ad describing his private parts! Learn the red flags and you will be fine.

It's funny.  I just got out of the most horrible relationship I've ever been in in my 43 years.  Abuse, mental illness, confusion, gas lighting.  The last thing I'm worried about is chatting with a pretty girl on eharmony.  But yes, I understand than in EVERY situation in life, there are risks.  This ain't my first rodeo.

[hurting300]

Be careful. Dating site are literally crawling with low self esteem and disorder.

How is that different than real life?

And fyi, eHarmony is a little different than your average dating site.  It's a little more serious and professional.  It's not a hookup site.

You ask how is it different? Lol that's a simple answer. Mtv has a show called catfish and on the internet you can be anything you want to be.

[Wize]

You ask how is it different? Lol that's a simple answer. Mtv has a show called catfish and on the internet you can be anything you want to be.

People can lie in real life too.  They can claim to be anything.  And I don't watch tv only movies.  But, yes, I will be careful, just like I am in real life. And if I show up to my first eharmony date and it turns out that this beautiful redhead is actually a 300 pound biker dude, I'll let him buy me lunch and then go home.

[hurting300]

You ask how is it different? Lol that's a simple answer. Mtv has a show called catfish and on the internet you can be anything you want to be.

People can lie in real life too.  They can claim to be anything.  And I don't watch tv only movies.  But, yes, I will be careful, just like I am in real life. And if I show up to my first eharmony date and it turns out that this beautiful redhead is actually a 300 pound biker dude, I'll let him buy me lunch and then go home.

Good. Be safe. Seriously.

[Herodias]

"And if I show up to my first eharmony date and it turns out that this beautiful redhead is actually a 300 pound biker dude, I'll let him buy me lunch"    LoL  Have fun!

[Wize]

Good. Be safe. Seriously.

I'm guessing you met your BPD ex online and now you're projecting.

[Wize]

"And if I show up to my first eharmony date and it turns out that this beautiful redhead is actually a 300 pound biker dude, I'll let him buy me lunch"    LoL  Have fun!

Well, I honestly don't see a first date happening anytime soon.  I'm taking it slow. Me and this girl have shared a handful of small talk messages.  And the last message I exchanged with this girl on eharmony may have been a little... .lengthy.  I might have over-shared.  But I do that in real life too... .so she's getting the real me. I didn't talk about my ex at all though and have no intention of doing so unless she asks.

[KarmasReal]

Haha hey if big biker is buying lunch why not? There is a downside that due to their egos, need for validation, and unstable relationships that often end, many online dating sites have lots of BPD and npd type people on there. I actually did meet my exBPD online first, but met her in person a couple weeks later, however it was not on eharmony. From what I've seen on eharmony it seems to have very religious people mostly Christian and mostly with good jobs like school teachers, nurses, etc. the only thing is I wish I lived in a big enough city to get more matches that were close!

[jhkbuzz]

You ask how is it different? Lol that's a simple answer. Mtv has a show called catfish and on the internet you can be anything you want to be.

People can lie in real life too.  They can claim to be anything.  And I don't watch tv only movies.  But, yes, I will be careful, just like I am in real life. And if I show up to my first eharmony date and it turns out that this beautiful redhead is actually a 300 pound biker dude, I'll let him buy me lunch and then go home.

[Wize]

Haha hey if big biker is buying lunch why not? There is a downside that due to their egos, need for validation, and unstable relationships that often end, many online dating sites have lots of BPD and npd type people on there. I actually did meet my exBPD online first, but met her in person a couple weeks later, however it was not on eharmony. From what I've seen on eharmony it seems to have very religious people mostly Christian and mostly with good jobs like school teachers, nurses, etc. the only thing is I wish I lived in a big enough city to get more matches that were close!

Yeah, I'm a christian too and a "professional."  So eharmony is a really good fit for me.  But who knows.  I may get ready to go on my first date and realize that I'm not even close to being ready to start dating again.  But I have to at least try.

[KarmasReal]

Absolutely nothing wrong with trying. I'm stuck in not really being emotionally ready for any type or committed relationship, but also have feelings of loneliness and wanting companionship a lot. It really makes me miss my ex when those lonely or isolated feelings come around, I'm hoping I'll feel like dating soon because it's driving me crazy!

[Herodias]

"Well, I honestly don't see a first date happening anytime soon.  I'm taking it slow. Me and this girl have shared a handful of small talk messages.  And the last message I exchanged with this girl on eharmony may have been a little... .lengthy.  I might have over-shared.  But I do that in real life too... .so she's getting the real me. I didn't talk about my ex at all though and have no intention of doing so unless she asks." [/quote]
Good job not talking about the ex... .I share too much too... .with everyone. It's really hard to change how you are, but I now know it's a good idea to try. Great to take things slow. They say it's safe to talk online. It's just the going out part that is scary,  Good for you for getting out and trying. I am not sure where to meet anyone anymore. I'm a little nervous about online dating, I wish I could meet someone in person. Not sure I am ready for that either really. I feel safe at home. There is someone that worked with my husband that wants to take me out, but I feel kinda weird about that. He is a nice guy, but I really don't think he is my type. Plus, he knows too much about my past. He knows my exes gf... .he made a weird comment I didn't like either. So I guess that's a no. The one guy who wants to take me out... .I am not interested. Isn't that always the way. Funny, my ex knows he likes me too... .he told me I can do better than him... .he got all jealous about him too. So weird. Oh well... .thats the way it goes... .I hope you have good luck... .let us know.

[fromheeltoheal]

You get out of online dating what you put into it, and our expectations and beliefs around it will govern our experience.

I find online dating tedious, a whole lot of work compared to saying hi to someone in a coffee shop, but it's good practice if we make it good practice.  It's common enough to be pretty much universal around here that we ignored red flags and put up with abuse and disrespect that we wouldn't have otherwise in our relationships with borderlines, followed by a wake-up call once we're out, like what the hell was I thinking, or not thinking, and the pain that led to, and the vow to never, ever do that again, so now we get to take those new-found, or reacquired, skills out into the world, and if we haven't used them in a while, or ever, they may be a little rusty.  So dating websites are a good place to interact with lots of people with the understanding everyone's a potential mate, and we're going to meet 'normal' people, people with personality disorders, people with every thing under the sun going on, just like the real world, maybe a little skewed because it's online dating after all, but what a great place to practice using our gut feel and setting and enforcing boundaries yes?  A just think, maybe, just maybe, we'll meet someone, our gut will be quiet, even though we're listening intently, and this person respects our boundaries, and not only that, they're pretty hot!  It's a brand new day... . 

[Wize]

It's a brand new day... . 

Yes sir!

[fromheeltoheal]

It's a brand new day... . 

Yes sir!

And to be clear Wize, a new relationship isn't necessarily a good detachment tool, in that bouncing from one relationship to another without fully processing the last one is a good way to repeat the same things all over again, maybe more intensely because the emotional energy from the last relationship hasn't dissipated yet, or been suppressed, so it shows up in the new relationship.  For each of us to decide, some folks have "rebound" relationships that turn into multi-decade marriages, some realize it for what it is and let it fizzle on its own, as long as we're clear and centered going in, looking out for ourselves.

[Wize]

And to be clear Wize, a new relationship isn't necessarily a good detachment tool, in that bouncing from one relationship to another without fully processing the last one is a good way to repeat the same things all over again, maybe more intensely because the emotional energy from the last relationship hasn't dissipated yet, or been suppressed, so it shows up in the new relationship.  For each of us to decide, some folks have "rebound" relationships that turn into multi-decade marriages, some realize it for what it is and let it fizzle on its own, as long as we're clear and centered going in, looking out for ourselves.

Unless the new girl is BPD, I don't see anyway it could be a repeat of my last relationship. But yes, I did get involved with my stbx wife because I was very unhappy and lonely when I met her.  I ignored red flags because I just wanted someone to love me.  And love me, she did... .or should I say love bombed me. So yeah, I understand that I need to really become comfortable with being in my own skin, being single and being healthy.  And I feel that I'm moving steadily in that direction. And I'm not just looking for someone to fill a void in my life, because that leads to a very unfulfilling result.  I want something real and I'll wait for it.

[hurting300]

Good. Be safe. Seriously.

I'm guessing you met your BPD ex online and now you're projecting.

Thats not really projecting but good try. No, I met mine in a grocery store but later found out she had four dating profiles.

[Herodias]

Hurting, watch out for those grocery stores! I met mine there! Not sure if you mean working there or shopping, but from what I know- the ones that work there are all screwing around- well, many of them! I know of a friends daughter who went through the same thing I did. My ex was a manager and screwed around with lots of women there, married or not. It's sick.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hurting, watch out for those grocery stores! I met mine there! Not sure if you mean working there or shopping, but from what I know- the ones that work there are all screwing around- well, many of them! I know of a friends daughter who went through the same thing I did. My ex was a manager and screwed around with lots of women there, married or not. It's sick.

And of course, once we fully detach and learn from the experience, and become wiser, better versions of ourselves, it won't matter where we go or whom we meet, because we're living from our values, setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, and paying attention to what we're feeling while staying centered.  Coming from that place, we've enabled ourselves to see who we can trust, who will treat us with respect, who would be an empowering addition to our lives, and folks who can't or won't, won't be granted the benefit of our company.  Now many of us fell for the love bombing, mirroring, and idealization of someone with a personality disorder, and got blindsided when things shifted to devaluation; are we strong and centered enough to spot facades when we see them next time?  And maybe the ultimate proof is someone with a personality disorder wouldn't even try and attach to us, since we're clearly showing up in the world as someone insusceptible, and off they go to easier pickings, possible future members of this site, yes?

[Skip]

And to be clear Wize, a new relationship isn't necessarily a good detachment tool, in that bouncing from one relationship to another without fully processing the last one is a good way to repeat the same things all over again, maybe more intensely because the emotional energy from the last relationship hasn't dissipated yet, or been suppressed, so it shows up in the new relationship.

When we survey the members, one of the commonalities is that they entered into their relationship when they were at a vulnerable time in their life - someone validated their self-worth and away they went into a relationship fought with land mines. Post divorce is a commonly cited.

On the flip side of this, how safe are you as a dating partner. Dating articles (and advisors here) will say that someone less than a year divorced is at "high risk" for casing their partner emotional injury - the ever destructive rebound relationship.

I'm not telling you what to do - just providing some perspective and self-awareness.  What you are saying here has been said many times and in many places.

Can you beat these odds? That is for you to decide, but the comments you are making at this point are very typical of many that did not.

Be smart.

Don't get hurt.

Don't hurt someone else as part of your recovery.

[gotbushels]

Sure, maybe it's premature and part of my heart is still attached to my wife but I know it's over and I need to remind myself that there are healthy single women still out there. 

Any thoughts?

My divorce is happening and my marriage is over. 

That sounds difficult to deal with Wize. Divorces are some of the biggest life events to some people so it makes sense to be trying to cope. From there, I would be expecting you to be untangling yourself from this situation. It seems to me very, very normal for people undergoing divorce to disentangle themselves, recover, and take steps to inventory their life. Emotionally I'd also expect to feel some amount of... .entangled and emotionally confused. It's good for us to support each other in these times of our lives.

If that describes how you might be feeling Wize, then it might make it difficult for you to commit to another person.

I've just an honest and non-judgmental question Wize. I want to emphasise that I'm simply neutral, inquisitive, and interested. I'd also encourage you with the note that having a personal opinion is a freedom.

Suppose you're meeting a woman. This woman is going through a divorce process and is simultaneously actively dating--using a high-traffic social dating platform. About her now--how do you feel?