How to Move on

[BabyBat]

Hello!

I am happily married with two beautiful young ones. My mother has, what I suspect to be BPD. I am hoping to find validation from this website. People who share similar experiences to mine so I can tell myself I'm not crazy.

I broke ties with my mother and father December of 2014. 3 years prior to this blow out, I had been setting boundaries and learning how I could best communicate with my BPD mother, she just wouldn't work with me. I did all I could before I pulled the plug, which I didn't want to do, but was necessary. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to my husband and son and would neglect my infant when she had him in her care. My family wasn't safe, there was nothing more I could do.

She called everyone and their mother the following day, told them all I was a bad daughter and God knows what else. I felt bombarded by snide comments, emails, facebook messages and texts. This was all from people who had know me and my family for decades. I went from being the perfect daughter (as long as I did everything she wanted), to now, being in the wrong and feeling the walls closing in on me. My mom was contacting people she hadn't talked to in years. My sister told me that my mom ran into an old friend. My mom didn't remember this lady, but the lady remembered her, so my mom told her all about my and how I rejected her. I've gotten somewhat used to that in the last 18 months, what I'm having a hard time with now, is loosing my sister and dad in the process. My dad will defend my mom at all costs, so I knew he was going down with the ship. He did most of the raising of me and my sister, so it hurt my feelings to see that he wouldn't stand up for us. (I was 6 when my dad and mom got married, so on top of adopting me and raising me, he was always my best friend.) It was hard to swallow when I heard him choose his dysfunctional relationship over me. I'm having a hard time coping even AFTER 18 months has gone by. My sister still lives with them and is displaying Narcissistic tenancies and she is becoming a trigger for me, since she is reflecting all the attitudes and behaviors I am trying to stay away from.

I am feeling very lonely and recently I've been feeling angry. I put in the first 20 years of my life for this woman and all I've gotten in return is a smack in the face. Can anybody relate?

[seenr]

Hi BabyBat

The only similarity I have is that with my ex partner, I used to get on great with her daughter. The girl shared a lot with me about her fears, things that made her sad, we had a lot of good talk. I know for example, she both feared her mother and felt her mother made no attempt to understand her. But when problems surfaced, she took her Mother's side against me. In my opinion, a lot of this was down to being 'programmed' by her mother over a long time.

I don't understand how BPD's can wield such power over rational thinking people, even if they are only 16. You Dad & Sister - I can see how this must hurt. I might never understand how BPD's can influence so many so easily. Do those influenced just want a quiet life I wonder?

seenr

[BabyBat]

I know that's what my sister says. She puts up with it just so she can have free rent, they'll buy her stuff and throw money at her if she behaves in a way my mom approves of. She says she does what she has to, to get what she wants out of them and be left alone. My dad, even though he lives with my mother, hardly sees her and seems to make every effort to be gone and/or stay up after she's gone to bed, just to have some peace and quiet.

My mother sent me a text yesterday and it brought me to tears. All those years of being "programmed" has really gotten to me. She is the only one who can make me feel worthless with a few words. Since I've stepped away, I still hear her condescending tone through text and I can hear her disapproval. I can see her mean face looking at me and something inside me starts to panic.

I understand why the daughter would talk to you, then take mom's side. I felt very alone and I needed my BPD's validation to tell me I was OK. My borderline led me to believe that she was our family's ALL and everything we'd ever need. When I challenged that, she flipped out and turned my world UPSIDE down. There are so many times I'd physically have to fight off a panic attack because I KNEW I made a good decision, but my body was telling me, that I would never feel love again and that I'd be nothing without her. My life started improving within a month of me cutting ties. (I was able to give my husband more of my attention and my children felt safe) The first year was came with a lot of tears and my bones hurt from this underlining message of, "I am a horrible person without my mom, I can do nothing right and I NEED her validation like air" I would have to talk myself off a ledge and ask my husband for a pep talk. I had often felt like an emotional captive when my mom was around. I felt completely hopeless, yet I didn't know how to thrive in the real world. My husband is amazing and he's been very encouraging. Often I need him to validate my choices and my attitudes. Example: I'd have some amazing mommy moment and do something productive with the kids, then turn around and beat myself up for not getting the laundry done. My husband would come home and encourage me that I did a great job and that laundry can get done later. That has been my last 18 months. Finding who I am apart from my mother. I believe BPD mothers like to keep their kids dependent on them so they have "someone to love them". Do you have contact with this daughter anymore?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BabyBat

Welcome to The Family

I'm having a vision of a cute icon of a bat to add to your profile,

I am happily married with two beautiful young ones. My mother has, what I suspect to be BPD. I am hoping to find validation from this website. People who share similar experiences to mine so I can tell myself I'm not crazy.

Here is a link to the DMS BPD Definition https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder and another overview IS IT BPD?

Which criteria might describe your mom?

I went from being the perfect daughter (as long as I did everything she wanted), to now, being in the wrong and feeling the walls closing in on me.

Sounds like your mom has "painted you black"  BPD BEHAVIOR: SPLITTING

My husband is amazing and he's been very encouraging. Often I need him to validate my choices and my attitudes. Example: I'd have some amazing mommy moment and do something productive with the kids, then turn around and beat myself up for not getting the laundry done. My husband would come home and encourage me that I did a great job and that laundry can get done later.

It is great that you have such a wonderful husband, you choose well!  Your husband is right.  When all is said and done, you child won't remember how perfectly you did the laundry and cleaned, your child will remember the quality time you spent with them.

I broke ties with my mother and father December of 2014. . . . .My mother sent me a text yesterday and it brought me to tears. All those years of being "programmed" has really gotten to me. She is the only one who can make me feel worthless with a few words. Since I've stepped away, I still hear her condescending tone through text and I can hear her disapproval. I can see her mean face looking at me and something inside me starts to panic. . . . .

I am feeling very lonely and recently I've been feeling angry. I put in the first 20 years of my life for this woman and all I've gotten in return is a smack in the face. Can anybody relate?

You can choose to block the texts or not read them.  If you don't block, you may see some of the words, while you dismiss the notification.  I just didn't read my sister's texts for awhile, but finally took action to block her texts.  That way, they are easier to ignore.

What caused you to read the text?  Was it FOG   Some reading on MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS , might be helpful.

Are you getting any counseling or perhaps plan to?  Some counseling could be helpful.  It is good to post here and talk about your situation.  Writing things out is very therapeutic. 

[BabyBat]

Hello Naughty Nibbler! I feel very welcomed! My immediate family and I enjoy watching the bats fly out of the canal when they come visit in the summer. So my kids are my "babybats"

Thank you for the resources! I checked the BPD criteria. I can think of at least a handful of examples to back up 8 out of 9 of those definitions. So, yeah, looks like she's Borderline. Here is my mom: (#1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (#2.) A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (#3.) Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (#4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. (#6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood. (#7) Chronic feelings of emptiness. (#8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. and (#9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. -  I have some recovery under my belt and have been going to a therapist as needed for the last 5 years. I feel, sometimes that BPD is invisible to the naked eye (a.k.a. everyone else, who DIDN'T grow up in the same household). I am just trying to deal with all the people telling me to "make it work". I am JUST NOW starting to grow my self efficacy, I'm starting to find my own voice and I am just recently learning how to be alone with my thoughts without having a panic attack. So when people say, "Make it work" like I gave up, or something, it feels VERY insulting and VERY hurtful. That's mainly why I'm here.

That Splitting article was AMAZING! I related so well to that article. I knew I wasn't crazy... .I'm so glad you responded FOG, yes, probably. I get my hopes up every time my mom or dad texts. I keep thinking one of them is texting to say they want to apologize and that they are choosing to get help. I had never thought of just not reading them... .good idea. Thanks for your help. You definitely gave me some good, practical reading material and I like your icon.

~ Babybat

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BabyBat   

Good to see you jumping into those lessons with enthusiasm 

My immediate family and I enjoy watching the bats fly out of the canal when they come visit in the summer. So my kids are my "babybats"  

I like the icon you added to your profile.  Interesting about the bats.  They tend to get a bad rap.

I checked the BPD criteria. I can think of at least a handful of examples to back up 8 out of 9 of those definitions. So, yeah, looks like she's Borderline.

It can feel good to finally make the discovery, I know it was with me.  My uBPD sis tests out to be a high-functioning BPD (per a worksheet I filled out in a workbook I bought along with the Stop Walking on Egg Shells book).  I think the high functioning ones are the most perplexing to figure out

I have some recovery under my belt and have been going to a therapist as needed for the last 5 years. I feel, sometimes that BPD is invisible to the naked eye (a.k.a. everyone else, who DIDN'T grow up in the same household).

The uBPD person in my life is my sister.  She really went off the rails when the health of our elderly parents started to fail and we had to work together on decisions.  I was "painted black".  I couldn't figure it out.  She is a respected person in her church and I couldn't figure out how she could treat me so horribly and still be a Christian.  She wouldn't go to therapy, but I did.  After a few weeks of venting, the therapist suggested I read the book, "Stop Walking of Egg Shells".  The light bulb turned on, the book lead me here; and, well, here I am, 

People don't know, what they don't know.  People with personality disorders can be respected members of a community.  I read somewhere on the boards that a BPD person can hold their emotions together when they have to, but they tend to just let them all out when they feel they are in a safe place (home, with family, etc.).  I had a hard time wrapping my arms around that one.  My thoughts have always been that you always treat your family better than strangers.

I am just trying to deal with all the people telling me to "make it work".

Someone is a Project Runway or a Tim Gunn fan, .  I'm a fan of "making it work" when it comes to many things.  When it comes to a BPD, you make it work with BOUNDARIES, WISE MIND and practicing radical acceptance. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all


We don't have the power to change them, only the power to change how we interact and react.  We have to set boundaries and enforce them and use Wise Mind, Radical Acceptance and many of the communication tools you will find on this website.  There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page)

Don't get overwhelmed.  There is a lot of info. here.  Take it in bits and pieces.  If you are like me, you will read it and then go back and revisit it several times.  Eventually, some tools will seem to be 2nd nature. 

I look forward to seeing your posts as you learn skills and put them into practice.

Naughty

[EAE785]

I can definitely relate but within regards to my Sister. She split with me 5 years ago and was emotionally abusive to me. She would go around telling family that I took drugs and that she even had to pick me up from the police station when i was younger. It was all false. I grew afraid to talk to anyone that we mutually knew wondering if she spewed out more lies.

She just cycles me back into her life and it spiraled me. I am in the process of putting up boundaries and knowing I will need to cut her out. She has been nasty to my kids, husband, and of course myself.

It hurts but you have to stay true to your feelings and trust them.

[BabyBat]

EAE785,

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. It sucks, doesn't it? The more I learn, the better boundaries I can set. I am just missing the support system I formed from 20 years of living in the same place. Why is it that everyone seems to believe the crazy BPD? Is it just because they told their story first?

EAE785, did you find that to be true in your situation? Is your relationship strained with your parents or family friends? How do/did you deal with that?

[Naughty Nibbler]

  Why is it that everyone seems to believe the crazy BPD? Is it just because they told their story first?

That can have a lot to do with it.  Many pwBPD appear normal in public (in general), or among others who aren't split black.  Someone who is split white, might think BPDm is a saint.  (when behind closed doors.  )

[BabyBat]

Yeah, I see that. And I understand why a lot of people think I'm to blame. I'm just having a hard time not going to a dark place in my mind and blaming myself, trying to change or getting depressed. Thinking logically in those moments is a struggle for me. Any suggestions?

[HoneyB33]

I've worked endlessly to build a relationship with my mother, but of course nothing ever really mattered. Actually the more I tried to build anything, the more she just gained space to make me feel like crap about myself. I finally decided to go NC with my mom a year ago, and it was right when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It really could have been the hardest choice, but it really wasn't even a choice. I couldn't keep taking on more and more pain because of her. Before I went NC I sent her one last email trying to be really vulnerable to her and tell her how I wanted to build a relationship with her, and she totally just unloaded everything onto me of how I'm "unforgiving" and "hate her". I didn't respond. I knew I had my answer.

It's still really painful. I don't miss her, I miss having a mom. And by that I mean I miss the idea of a mother. But her? I don't miss her. I feel a lot of pity for her, and pain. There's no relationship there because that is what she chose. But yes, she of course went to anyone who would listen and talked about how I was so cruel to her. And I feel cruel, I feel f**king horrible actually. If she would give me an INCH, I could do so much with that. But she only takes miles from me.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Yeah, I see that. And I understand why a lot of people think I'm to blame. I'm just having a hard time not going to a dark place in my mind and blaming myself, trying to change or getting depressed. Thinking logically in those moments is a struggle for me. Any suggestions?

HEY BABYBAT

Have you tried any mindfulness activities, like informal mindfulness, guided meditation or TM meditation?  If you are interested in some samples or links, I can post some.

I think you will find the info. at the links below helpful.

MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind   https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0;all

[Naughty Nibbler]