uBPDbm refusing to exchange

[Thunderstruck]

I'm really frustrated and upset.

Our temp CO states we have week on/week off. It doesn't state the exact day/time for exchanges. We came to an agreement with uBPDbm that it would be Fridays at 6pm. Of course "agreements" with her don't mean squat. But we've been trying to stick to it.

We gave her notice a few days ago that we would be going to visit DH's father (he has stage 4 cancer, isn't doing so good. He's depressed that he's stuck in a wheel chair. We were hoping to take the kids to go cheer him and my MIL up a bit). It's a holiday weekend and I have off on Monday and DH doesn't have school Monday so it's a good time to go.

Yesterday she was all nice and cooperative, asking for a favor (she wants SD11 an extra day early next week so they can go pick up uBPDbm's oldest daughter who lives in another state). We said sure. Then we asked if we could "meet at noonish?" today for our exchange. Her response was "Umm, I can try. Shouldn't be a problem." Does that sound like a concrete definite yes to you? Because DH interpreted it as a maybe. He messaged her at 11:45 asking if they were still meeting. She didn't write back until 12:10, saying she was already at the exchange and wouldn't wait longer.

So allllll day long we've been going back and forth with her asking when she's going to exchange, because she kept saying she couldn't be there at 6pm. She kept insisting DH go to her condo and get SD11. Um... .after three restraining orders? I think not. (Our court order says we exchange at the police station).

Now it's 6 and she's refusing to exchange. She says she's at a "networking event" and won't be home until later. She's also threatening to keep SD11 for the entire week.

She's purposely screwing with our trip and I'm really freaking annoyed about it. And I'm annoyed because the only way to get this fixed is to get the final order but we need the CE's report for that. And I'm annoyed that we have already pointed out this issue to the CE and lo and behold, it has happened again but there still no sign of a report. I'm starting to get pre-annoyed because now we don't feel like giving up our day to uBPDbm (since she has been so maliciously heinous today) next week which sucks, because it means that we're the bad guys who won't let SD11 go see her mom's parents and pick up her sister (even though uBPDbm planned the trip for our visitation day instead of her time! UGH!).

We're going to highlight this issue to the CE (along with the other multiple instances of this occurring).

I guess if uBPDbm refuses visitation for the week then we'll file for contempt on Tuesday and ask for another time to be able to make up the trip (but there isn't really a good opportunity between now and when SD11's school starts). And to get the temp CO more solidified.

[GaGrl]

OK, so she definitely doesn't get the extra day next week, that's for sure.

It's the proverbial rock and a hard place.

What else can your lawyer do to speed up this CE? Complaints to professional licensing boards are in order.

[Thunderstruck]

Update: DH and uBPDbm are at the exchange, two hours late.

uBPDbm is refusing to let SD11 out of the car unless DH agrees to giving up his day next week. She is making it a huge drama and SD11 is now upset and crying. This has been going on for nearly a half hour.

[GaGrl]

Are they at the police station?

[Thunderstruck]

Are they at the police station?

Yes. He asked for an officer to assist but that didn't really help (not that I thought it really would). The officer said they are just there to keep the peace.

Looks like the exchange isn't happening. Our trip is canceled.  :'(  :'(  :'(

DH asking for a report. Apparently uBPDbm is doing the same thing. She had SD11 really worked up and saying that she refused to go with DH and wanted to go home to her mom's instead.

[GaGrl]

Oh, dear... .I'm so sorry. That dear child is exposed to far more pressure and manipulation than she can bear.

What is the plan for next week now?

[Thunderstruck]

Oh, dear... .I'm so sorry. That dear child is exposed to far more pressure and manipulation than she can bear.

What is the plan for next week now?

We'll send a letter to the CE stating what happened. Alienation and blocking visitation. Very uncool.

Then we'll send a letter to our L. I'm thinking we'll ask for a makeup time to take her to see FIL. And ask for uBPDbm to pay our court fees. And ask the court to make our summer timesharing clearly specified.

[sanemom]

How awful!  She is very gutsy to play that game when she is being watched... .or maybe she thinks it will take another year for the CE to get to it.  Poor DSD... .that is too much for an 11 year old to deal with.  I am sorry you had to cancel your trip!  Let us know if she "makes nice" later!

[bravhart1]

Take heart thunder. This is EXACTLY the kind of overly dramatic stunt our BPDm was doing before they pulled her entire custody.

Courts aren't too game anymore to let high conflict parents run the show.

Make it clear to the L, the CE, and the court that your SD can not be expected to live under this type of stress and pressure being placed on her and not be at risk for her own mental health and the loss of her relationship with dad. It's clearly already happening.

Make it doubly clear you have been waiting two years for this to be resolved in some way and BPDm has not gotten any better ( which is what the courts hope for). For this reason they need to take immediate action to protect SD and dads relationship ASAP, before you lose her altogether. They will listen.

[Thunderstruck]

How does this sound? (We're trying to simplify it but the situation is so convoluted).

Dear CE and L,

I am writing to inform you of the events that are currently taking place. This is my timesharing week with SD11, however uBPDbm has been denying my visitation and refusing to exchange. We have been undergoing this social evaluation for two years to help get these issues resolved, but the conflict continues and it is having a negative effect on SD11's well being and a negative effect on mine and SD11's relationship. I believe some immediate changes need to happen in order to protect my relationship with her and reduce the chaos and conflict in her life.

Here is the background on the situation:

Our temporary order of support, timesharing, and other related relief dated Dec. 2014 is attached (Attachment 1). It states for the summer that the parents are to alternate a week at a time. It also states that this year for the 4th of July holiday, SD11 is to spend her time with me. In March of this year (Attachment 2) uBPDbm and I agreed to week on/week off with exchanges occurring on Fridays at 6pm.

Since this was my timesharing week with SD11 and a long weekend due to the holiday (I do not have school on Monday and Thunderstruck has off from work), we planned a trip to visit my father in another state. My father has stage IV cancer and seems depressed from being wheelchair bound, so we thought taking the kids to see him and my stepmom would cheer him up. I gave uBPDbm notice of this trip on Wednesday, June 29th (Attachment 3). I had previously informed uBPDbm of my father's failing health, and she stated she had no problems with the trip and she wished him well.

On Thursday I asked if we could exchange on Friday (7/1) at "noonish" and uBPDbm's reply was "Umm, I can try. Shouldn't be a problem." I didn't know what time she was able to meet (she was working and had to arrange her lunch break) or whether that was a definitive yes or no, so at 11:45 am Friday, when I was on my way back from my doctor's appointment heading towards [the police station where we exchange, I messaged her asking her what time we would exchange. I did not hear from her, so I just headed home instead. She replied 25 minutes later (12:10 pm), stating she was already at the police station and would not wait any longer for me to show up (Attachment 4).

After this there was a lot of back and forth and our communication really broke down. I attempted to find a time where uBPDbm would meet me at the police station. She stated that she worked until 4pm and then had a networking happy hour at [local bar] afterward. uBPDbm stated that the only way I could see SD11 was if I went to her condo to pick SD11 up. This is a violation of the court order, which states all exchanges are to occur at the police station. The reason this clause is in our court order is because she has sought to obtain three restraining orders against me (all denied, but the judge did ask that I not go near her residence).

uBPDbm stated that she would send someone to the police station at 5pm with SD11 to meet me. I waited from 5pm until 5:30pm but no one showed.

I asked uBPDbm to follow the court order and meet me at 6pm. She refused.

uBPDbm finally stated she would meet me at the police station at 8pm. I was there. uBPDbm was there, but she did not let SD11 leave the car. She sent me several messages stating that I had to give up one of my parenting days for the following week or she would not let SD11 go with me. She was talking very agitatedly to SD11 in the car, and I watched SD11 become upset and begin to cry. uBPDbm then sent me messages that SD11 was very angry, did not want to go with me, and was begging for uBPDbm to take her home. I asked Ms. uBPDbm repeatedly to leave SD11 out of the middle, that we would discuss the issue later (I wanted to calm down first), and please just follow through with the exchange. I called and asked for a Sheriff to help navigate the situation. In the end, SD11 said she did not want to be involved in the drama and wanted to go home. uBPDbm and SD11 left and I was denied my visitation. I had to cancel our trip to see my father.

This was what happened that caused SD11 to become upset:

uBPDbm had made plans to leave early Friday morning, July 8th (the day of our court hearing for SD11 to attend her Middle School) to go to another state, see uBPDbm's parents, and pick her older daughter up to bring back to our state for a visit. Without first asking me if it would be ok to cut my visitation time short, she discussed these plans with SD11. I have asked her repeatedly in the past to discuss things with me first before saying anything to SD11 (to avoid placing her in the middle). It puts me in a difficult position if I do not agree to giving up my visitation time. uBPDbm and I discussed the changes to the court order. I initially agreed to a Thursday night exchange for the following week and she agreed to an early exchange this week so we could go see my dad. However, once again this deviation from the court order led to chaos and conflict. When uBPDbm stated that she would not exchange SD11 until very late on Friday or Saturday morning, I became frustrated with what seemed (to me) to be her attempting to sabotage my trip so I stated that we should revert back to following the court order and exchange only on 6pm on Fridays. This apparently triggered uBPDbm. I'm not sure what was said to SD11, but she got the idea that if she came with me for the exchange that she would not be allowed to see her maternal grandparents the following weekend (I never stated that).

It appeared to me that uBPDbm made these plans to go to see her parents during my timesharing and when she felt that I wasn't going to agree to giving up my time she escalated the conflict, made the multiple attempts at an exchange difficult, and manipulated SD11 to prevent my vistation.

I asked again today about visitation. uBPDbm replied and accused me of cyberbullying her and stated she had contacted the police. Again, she is escalating the conflict to prevent my timesharing.

These events demonstrate that this alienating behavior is still occurring and I believe some measures need to be made to protect mine and SD11's relationship. We are in desperate need of a final custody order that would help reduce chaos and conflict.

Mr. Thunderstruck

[GaGrl]

I suggest you start the communication with the last sentence and follow with a very strong statement that the CE having taken two years is unacceptable.

Then pare down the description of what happened... .it's too long and starts sounding too "she said/did" and "he said did."

Focus on what the court order states, what the holiday and following weekend arrangement was, what iBook did to violate the agreement, and the resulting stress on SD.

As much as you can, tell them the solution you see as the best. Don't hold back.

[sanemom]

I agree with what Gagrl said, but I had one other thought--maybe use bullets under the subheadings?  As in you start with your topic sentence "This is what made SD11 upset... ." and then bullet points under.  I think that makes it more likely for people to read, and your CE sounds lazy.  :-)

[Thunderstruck]

Ok Draft #2 (this one is actually longer, , continued on the next comment):

Dear CE and L,

I am writing to inform you of events that are currently taking place. This is my timesharing week with SD11, however uBPDbm has been denying my visitation and refusing to exchange. When I attempt to request an exchange, I am being told that SD11 does not want to come over unless I agree to giving up additional parenting time for this upcoming week (Thursday and Friday). I am also being accused of harassment and cyberbullying, with uBPDbm citing [our state's statute] (a felony offense). We have been under the scrutiny of a custody evaluation for two years and this alienating behavior is still occurring. I believe some measures need to be made to protect mine and SD11's relationship. We are in desperate need of a final custody order that would help reduce chaos and conflict.

Here is the background on the situation:

Our temporary order of support, timesharing, and other related relief dated Dec. 2014 is attached (Attachment 1). It states for the summer that the parents are to alternate a week at a time. It also states that this year for the 4th of July holiday, SD11 is to spend her time with me. In March of this year (Attachment 2) uBPDbm and I agreed to week on/week off with exchanges occurring on Fridays at 6pm.

Since this was my timesharing week with SD11 and a long weekend due to the holiday (I do not have school on Monday and Thunderstruck has off from work), we planned a trip to visit my father in another state. My father has stage IV cancer and seems depressed from being wheelchair bound, so we thought taking the kids to see him and my stepmom would cheer them up. I gave uBPDbm notice of this trip on Wednesday, June 29th (Attachment 3). uBPDbm's refusal of visitation resulted in us and SD11 missing out on this trip.  

On Friday, July 1st I attempted to receive my timesharing but uBPDbm frustrated the exchanges:
- Noon: I had requested we meet at noonish, but did not know for sure whether this could be accommodated. By the time I received a reply (12:10) uBPDbm stated that she was already at police station and would not wait further (Attachments 4 and 5). She then claimed I refused to show up and that was my only opportunity.
- Noon until 5pm: uBPDbm stated that she worked until 4pm and then had a networking happy hour at [local bar] afterward. uBPDbm stated that the only way I could see SD11 was if I went to her apartment to pick SD11 up. This is a violation of the court order, which states all exchanges are to occur at police station. The reason this clause is in our court order is because she has sought to obtain three restraining orders against me (all denied, but the judge did ask that I not go near her residence).
- 5pm: uBPDbm stated she would send someone with SD11 to meet me at police station. I waited until 5:30pm but no one showed. She then stated they would not come unless I agreed to giving up my parenting time for Thurs/Fri next week.
- 6pm: I asked uBPDbm to follow our agreement and meet at this time. She refused.
- 8pm: uBPDbm and I were both at police station. uBPDbm refused to let SD11 out of the car unless I agreed to giving up my parenting time for Thurs/Fri next week (Attachment 6). She was talking very agitatedly to SD11 in the car, and I watched SD11 become upset and begin to cry. uBPDbm then sent me messages that SD11 was very angry, did not want to go with me, and was begging for uBPDbm to take her home (Attachments 7, 8, 9). I asked uBPDbm repeatedly to leave SD11 out of the middle, that we would discuss the issue later (I wanted to calm down first), and please just follow through with the exchange. I used the callbox and asked for a Sheriff to help navigate the situation. In the end, SD11 said she did not want to be involved in the drama and wanted to go back with uBPDbm.

Due to the fact that:
1) uBPDbm cannot share parenting.
2) uBPDbm uses manipulation to deny my parental right including: not following court orders or written agreements, frustrating exchanges, involving SD11 in disputes resulting in alienating her against me, making false claims of "cyberbullying" and "harassment" when I request my parental time (Attachments 10 and 11), planning events/trips with SD11 during my parenting time (setting me up to be the bad guy if I say no).
3) uBPDbm has been working at car dealership during the day, strip club overnight, and SD11has been left largely unsupervised for the summer.

I am requesting the following:
1) SD11 be returned to me immediately for my timesharing.
2) Makeup time be granted so she can participate in the trip to see her grandparents.
3) uBPDbm's visitation for the remainder of the summer be limited to Wednesdays from 6pm to 9pm and every other weekend from Friday at 6pm until Sunday at 9pm. Exchanges are to occur at police station only.
4) uBPDbm pay the legal fees for having to bring this action to court.

[Thunderstruck]

(continued from above... .)

SD11 should not be expected to continue to endure this duress. The longer this conflict continues the more it is having a negative effect on her well being and a negative effect on mine and SD11's relationship. I believe some immediate changes need to happen in order to protect my relationship with her and reduce the chaos and conflict in her life.

Thank you,
Mr. Thunderstruck

[Nope]

Looks good to me. Remember that only the court is going to potentially be able to do anything about legal fees. The CE's report will likely only address what needs to be done.

I remember when my DH would get so frustrated because BPDm would get away with everything. I explained to him that she would absolutely get away with everything until it was actually brought in front of a judge to be dealt with. And even in the end when it got dealt with by the court BPDm lost custody, but still really got away with most of it because some things can never be set right. My DH has the kids almost 100% of the time now that they are teens but he'll never get back the year and a half lost when they were six and seven. That should count for something.

[Thunderstruck]

We changed a few things (including the requests, made them more "hey let's keep things at least status quo" instead of asking for more time) and CC'd uBPDbm (so that she knows her behavior is now under scrutiny) and sent it.

The one person I did not expect to reply - the CE - did. She said she is working on the report to have it completed by the date the L mentioned in his last email (we weren't CC'd on his email, but I'm guessing it's before our hearing on middle school next Friday).

[ForeverDad]

"(I wanted to calm down first)" sounds like DH was too upset or could be misconstrued as a part of the problem.  Better to phrase it, "There was too much conflict there and I didn't want to make any other decisions during an exchange dispute."  Or something else that better described the situation.

[ForeverDad]

My DH has the kids almost 100% of the time now that they are teens but he'll never get back the year and a half lost when they were six and seven. That should count for something.

I call my experience the Lost Decade - 2004 to 2013.  Though we separated in late 2005, the intense conflict really started more than a year earlier.  The first order that really worked was the last one, over 8 years after separation and nearly 6 years after the final decree, just before son turned 12 years old. 

[Thunderstruck]

Just to update... .we sent this email in the early afternoon and uBPDbm immediately dropped the claim that "SD11 doesn't want to come over" and exchanged four hours later. 

Of course, it doesn't make up for ruining our trip, but at least SD11 gets to spend the holiday and this week with us.

First thing SD11 said to DH was "I'm tired of all the drama". DH said "Us too!". She also said uBPDbm was using her (SD11's) facebook to send messages to DH, pretending to be her.

[Nope]

Lawyers Fees = $$$
Disgustingly Overdue CE Report = $$$$
That moment when the kid finally gets who the problem is = Priceless