17 YO D, does not want to do adherent DBT. Advice

[hatethissomuch]

Hi,

My D is almost 18, diagnosed with BPD traits. Quiet BPD - no rages etc. In recovery from an eating disorder that is relatively stable. Depression intense. Anxiety. SH, experimentation with substances. Sounds familiar, I'm sure.

She sees an individual therapist who practices DBT, but not adherent. She was also in a skills group and is on a hiatus for now. The gold standard DBT group in my town just started an adolescent group. Family skills class, individual therapy, phone therapy etc. Close to our home, covered by insurance. D does not want to do it and leave her individual therapist for the 24 weeks of the program. I get that - he is making progress with her, but at nearly 18 with the hope of college still, I feel that we need to take advantage of doing an adolescent DBT program while she still can (vs. adult and all that comes with that mix of ages) and also a more adherent program since that's what is shown to be effective in the research. Plus, once 18, she can't do the family skills - just adult. That is in two months.

So, other parents. She is still under our roof. We financially support her. Do we tell her she must do it because she lives under our roof still? That is the only way we'll even consider a college away from home and pay for it? That we believe it's the most fast and effective way to help her symptoms and she can see her counselor again in Dec. when the program ends. I'm really struggling. If it were up to me, I would force her to do it, but the program requires a willing member because it is a lot of work and commitment. They said she doesn't have to be excited, just willing with a small part of herself. My H talked with her tonight and she does not want to do it.

What would you do? I'm mad and sad and frustrated. I am bending myself into pretzel to find the best care. I find it and now she is fighting it.  Will forcing though do more harm than good by also pulling her away from her therapist, against her desire? I'm confused. 

Help.

Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

I would take advantage of every service while you can.  Once she turns 18, the ballgame changes and she has a lot more to say about her treatment.

Instead of dictating to her, can you call the therapist she likes and discuss the upcoming program, your thoughts and the potential benefit, ask for his /her assistance?  Then make an apt. with the therapist and meet as a family to have the discussion.   I'm finding at least with my daughter it makes all the difference in the world.

Good luck and keep us posted

[lbjnltx]

Ditto what Bright Day Mom suggested.

[hatethissomuch]

Hi!

Thank you for your replies. I have stayed a bit distant from this therapist because I believe my D thought I was too aligned with the last one and she lost her trust in her. I've tried to stop being the helicopter parent this time since T explained to me the plan and my D seems to be responding to it.

I did call her new T to get his thoughts about this change of plans and not seeing her for those 24 weeks. He's on board with her doing this before she becomes an adult when the age differences and life experience can be a lot scarier in a group. He offered to Skype with her monthly to maintain their relationship without addressing DBT skills that could conflict with what her new T would be doing. More like a check-in to see how she's doing so she doesn't feel he's abandoning her.

We have to give an answer to the DBT clinic by Tuesday - they are holding her spot and it starts the week after. With the holiday, we don't have anything scheduled next week with her T, so logistically, I can't pull together a family meeting in time. What I believe I'm hearing though is that we should not allow her to make this decision and use this short window when she's still a minor to require it, knowing that once she's 18, things get much more difficult. Is that true? 

[lbjnltx]

I think when you say "we should not allowing her to make this decision" there is an overstepping of what you have control over. 

Willing cooperation beats forced compliance by a mile.

Have her current T talk to her... .Skype, phone, or in person to encourage her to work with the new adolescent group.  It would be best to let them work it out between the 2 of them.

[8daysAweek]

Hello.

It can be a very difficult thing to try to balance out the control between a parent and child, while still getting the most positive outcome. I understand where all of your frustrations are coming from and my heart goes out to you.

What helped me to make good decisions as a minor, was when my parents added a reward along side what they wanted me to do.

You mentioned your daughters college. Instead of telling her you won't pay for her to go to a college out of state because she won't go to the 24 week program, tell her you will if she does go. Explain to her how going to the program will give her skills and the help with personal growth that she will need in an out of state college.

Associating something she doesn't want to do with something she has positive feelings about can help change her mind.

-8days