DCF is coming to meet with me tomorrow. WOW.

[nobueno]

 

So, DCF (Dept.of Children & Families) called. This social worker is coming to my house tomorrow at 5pm to meet with my husband and me regarding allegations of physical abuse that my 16 yr old daughter made against me. My husband is really ticked off about this whole situation (mostly because he will have to leave work early) yet I'm the one who could be removed from my home and who knows what else! Yes, I know that it probably won't come down to that but ... .you also can't promise me that it will be fine.  I can't believe this is happening!  The scary thing is that she really seems to believe her own story.  I'm just sick over this.

Has this ever happened to anyone else?  Any words of wisdom?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sad_soul]

THE WORST! We've been through it 3 times with my BPD daughter (16) and it's just as horrible every time. Every time a suicide attempt or self-harm incident lands her in the hospital, they are called and she spins a wild tale of abuse, neglect etc etc... .meanwhile our whole lives revolve around her! We have a 12 year old son and the worst part is having him interrogated alone asking if his parents abuse and neglect him :/ I feel your pain and anxiety, and you're right you never know the outcome but just be honest and they will see that you love and care about your daughter.  They also know that children that suffer from BPD and mental issues can sometimes see things/events in a very skewed way.  The problem is that they feel real pain in the face of their "supposed" trauma they think or feel like they've experienced. I always printed out the definition of BPD, paperwork from hospital/RTC stays and a list of medications she's on ready to show the DCF worker to support my case. My sisters and friends were always available and given a heads up so that they could call and ask them about our parenting and character... .We were cleared every time of any abuse charges, so the truth does prevail. And although it feels like we failed our kids or cause them to be the way they are, the fact of the matter is just because we might not have understood there was a mental illness or had perfect DBT skills doesn't mean we abuse our kids. I carry a lot of guilt around my daughter because in the beginning we didn't know she had a mental illness so we were very reactive and put her on punishment often and now had I known, we would have handled her violent outbursts, lying, manipulation in a totally different way. But when you know better, you do better. And it's hard not to take it personal... .like you are the villain because you have a sick kid... .if our children had cancer, would DCF come knocking on the door? Nope... .but when it comes to mental illness there is such a stigma that the parents MUST have done something for their child to be like this, it's crazy... .  Saying a prayer for you that your DCF worker is kind and understanding. 

[michmom]

Hello Nobueno,

I am so sorry to hear about your family difficulties.  I will keep you and your loved ones in my prayers.  Sadsoul has pretty much summed up my experience also with CPS (Child Protective Services).  I did the same thing as sadsoul,  I was armed with my D's medical records and diagnoses and printed the list of behaviors associated with BPT traits.  My family was also cleared of any abuse or neglect.

Please let us know what the outcome was.  Think positive, be honest and it will be OK.

[Bright Day Mom]

I've never had dealings w/cps, but I would think they are smart and know how kids minds work.  Like the other posts, be ready to tell her story and let them know of the family struggle over this mental health crisis. 

[ForeverDad]

First, take a few deep breaths.  It always feels worse with the immediate impact.  Odds are this is to gather information to properly research this allegation.  If CPS doesn't have knowledge of her past 4 years of therapy sessions with an assortment of professionals, then share that information, have them consult with those professionals before doing anything, unless it is to close the case.

Also, you have two other children who would be testimony that you two are more than adequate parents, caring and not abusive.

From your prior posts this is clearly her overreaction from her seeing you and other professionals discussing her case.  Since it probably pained her to see that shared, she felt she had to strike out or retaliate and blame-shift at the same time.

[raytamtay3]

Hi.  I too have been there - THREE times! First was when DD was 9 and told her then therapist that I tried to strangle her, (she took my cell phone out of my hand and ran in to her bedroom.  I was able to push my way in and I cornered her against her wall and used one hand to restrain her by her chest area while using the other to reach my phone which she was trying to hold up so I couldn't get it.  She ended up kicking me in the stomach and I went flying across the room).  So the therapist called DCF on me as is protocol.  It was deemed unfounded, and no record of the incident was kept on file. 

The second time was two months after she came out of RTC last year, and when I suspected she was prostituting (the first time) and called her out on it.  She raged at me, started pushing me around and when I went to block a punch, ended up hitting her in the face.  When she told her therapist at that time, they called DCF. That case was closed, but a record of the incident remains on file. 

The third time (which was the recent one about a month and a half ago), they were called on me by the police when DD was arrested for possession of heroin and they found out she hadn't been home for a couple of days and was staying at a hotel that is known for position.  I was deemed neglectful.  That case was closed but that record too remains on file.

I provided documentation on DD's diagnoses and attempts at treatment each time.  And while information is still kept on file, which I do understand considering there have been many failed attempts made by DCF for families that truly do/did need to be monitored, they aren't hounding me and nothing really came out of it other than they are aware DD has mental problems which protects us.

So like others have said, be armed with the information and I am sure things will work out.  Good luck and keep us posted.

[Gorges]

while never investigated, my daughter had told therapists and once called the police on me when situations got out of hand with either myself or my husband losing our cool.  My own doctor (who I was seeing for anxiety and depression) said CPS is pretty wise to these difficult kids who make things up or only tell part of the story.

when she was going to call CPS on my husband, I and her therapist explained that when they investigate the entire truth will come out including how the incident started with her slamming my husbands leg in a door, the months of verbal abuse and everything that she did leading up to the event. She was 16 at the time. I lost it with her when she was 17 and she called the police. Their response to her was that a parent has a right to physically discipline their child. I think they can't leave a mark or something to that affect. I do not remember because I certainly do not believe in any type of physical reposes and am ashamed of my behavior.  I remember I even talked to CPS myself to get support so that I didn't get to the point of losing it again.

after that incident, we did get into a good program that helped my husband and I get on the same page with consequences. It helped us feel more in control, so I would not be as emotionally vulnerable.  Prior to that my husband and my daughter's therapist felt that I should not give consequences for her verbal abuse but she ignore it.  This was very difficult for me.

She is 18 now and if I ever again find myself worn down so much by her verbal abuse (she no longer gets physical), I will move out if she does not.

THat said, she does not really verbally abuse us anymore, but can be crabby.

Anyway good luck and take the advice that others give here.

I hope it works out and that your daughter learns that lying or telling only part of the story can do more harm to her than to other people.

IT might actually turn out to be a good thing. Keep us posted.

[lbjnltx]

How did the meeting go nobueno?

[nobueno]

I'm glad and sorry that I'm not alone in this.

Well, the DCF worker was at my house for about an hour and a half!  We talked a lot, she asked questions, we would respond and add to it. I tried to follow advice to stay calm and not get too defensive.  The DCF worker read me the exact complaint and I was speechless.  So many lies on different levels.  I was/am so sad and angry and frustrated and scared about all of this. 

DCF worker had her meeting with her supervisors, I guess, the next morning (yesterday) and called to tell me that they had already approved us for IICAPS (Intensive In-home Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Services) so that's really good. However, since we are a current investigative case, we can't apply for this voluntary services until our case is closed.

She is coming back on Tuesday at 4pm to meet with my 3 children. Ugh, I really dread this part.  I can only imagine what they will say.  She said that I could be present during their meeting if I really wanted to be.  I am guessing that's not the best idea so I will likely leave them alone while they talk.  Any thoughts on this?

Thanks again for the help and encouragement!

[lbjnltx]

Something good has already come out of this! 

Have your other children been abused by your d physically?

What are your concerns about their possible responses to the social worker?

lbj

[nobueno]

Well, my two sons like to joke around and are very sarcastic.  One is 19 and the other is 13.  Daughter is in the middle. They are already cracking sarcastic remarks in regard to the "interview" they will have on Tuesday with DCF. This will likely backfire to my detriment.  Also, oldest son told me that D16 already said to him stuff like, ":)idn't mom used to beat us? She did, right? "  I'm worried that they will just go along with what she says.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Social workers are usually well versed in how to spot a coached response.  They get very specific in their questioning and that's where coached responses unravel. 

There was one incident I recall with my daughter when she was 12.  I took a sloshing bowl of cereal out of her hands as she tried to climb the carpeted stairs (that I spent all day getting stains out of).  She felt that I was abusing her because I wouldn't "let her eat".  I had told her to eat at the table or the breakfast bar.  She told me she was going to call CPS on me.  I gave her the social workers' card and handed her the phone.  Then she told me to call and report myself.  I told her it doesn't work that way.  If she wants to report me then go ahead.  She never called or threatened to call them again.

The point is that she "felt abused" and therefore believed she was being abused.  In my wisemind I knew that if I argued with her feelings=facts stance that I would get nowhere and probably make it worse.  I put the responsibility on her and she backed down.  Why?  Because it caused her to stop, consider, use her reason mind, and make a different choice.

I hope that this investigation that your daughter has initiated will be a turning point (it already has gotten in-home services) in building a better family unit through understanding and more affective communication.

lbj

[ForeverDad]

Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT) are commented as the best approaches to providing therapy to pwBPD.  I've never really looked closely into them but I remember one comment I've always remembered... .They're taught to pause when triggered or overreacting and ponder over the matter, as they make progress they can better address their triggers, overreactions and impulses to strike out.  That is, IF they are willing to look at themselves rather than Denial and Blame-Shifting.

What skills are taught in DBT?

DBT includes four sets of behavioral skills.

 — Mindfulness: the practice of being fully aware and present in this one moment
 — Distress Tolerance: how to tolerate pain in difficult situations, not change it
 — Interpersonal Effectiveness: how to ask for what you want and say no while maintaining self-respect and relationships with others
 — Emotion Regulation: how to change emotions that you want to change

There is increasing evidence that DBT skills training alone is a promising intervention for a wide variety of both clinical and nonclinical populations and across settings.

What does "dialectical" mean?

The term "dialectical" means a synthesis or integration of opposites. The primary dialectic within DBT is between the seemingly opposite strategies of acceptance and change. For example, DBT therapists accept clients as they are while also acknowledging that they need to change in order to reach their goals. In addition, all of the skills and strategies taught in DBT are balanced in terms of acceptance and change. For example, the four skills modules include two sets of acceptance-oriented skills (mindfulness and distress tolerance) and two sets of change-oriented skills (emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness).

www.behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisDBT.cfm

[nona]

Just Wow.

my situation exactly.

d13 just did it second time.

Problem is she is with UBPDAD, whom I have been no contact, sharing 50/50 custody.

He is using this to get full custody... .and since he is the village doctor.
She is demanding to live with BPDAD... .

sha has already asked me if she has BPD, but her dad has fought me all her life to hide everything, and he is running her show now too !

I am kind of grateful child protection is involved. current investigation.

I will call the social worker today and push for a psych exam in her recommendations/report.

I am working on my nursing license and worried these false allegations will stick or affect my ability top work.

[lbjnltx]

How did the meeting with the social worker go no bueno?