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Author Topic: Won Sole Custody... What to expect  (Read 579 times)
singledaddy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: July 07, 2016, 02:39:53 PM »

Hey all, I've lurked here before many times and just now posting.

I got involved with a woman (29) who due to many incarcerations during the relationship was diagnosed BPD, Schizophrenic. We were together for 5 1/2 years. I don't feel the need to go into much detail as it's pretty much the same as everyone elses story here, though I will say my experience was probably the max level... .10/10.

Long story short, she had a drug and alcohol problem which I didn't find out about until well into the relationship. Dec 2014 she beat the crap out of me while I was sleeping at 2am because I refused to have sex with her, she practically tried to rape me, stating if I didnt have sex she would find someone who would. Anyways she was arrested for her 2nd DV offense. I asked to press charges and requested a no-contact restraining order. March 2015 I get a call from jail... ."I'm pregnant!" (she was lying about taking birth control) My son is born in October while she is in jail. Raise him for 2 months alone. She gets out Dec 2015, and I let her back just so my son might have a chance to know his mom, expecting full well for her to flip out.

She ends up go off the deep end to the point I will no longer tolerate due to an innocent child being around and kick her out March 2016. I immediately file for sole custody, and thanks to have 200+ pages of incriminating documentation and her not filing a response I won sole legal and physical custody of my son with supervised visitation awarded to mom. The judge would not let her speak since she didn't file a response. After the order was made she walked out of the court room with a smile on her face like she won a victory. Since the verdict she hasn't paid any child support, hasn't bothered contacting me to make arrangements to our son. It's just so disheartening that a mother could give so little a crap about her own child. In her own words the day I kicked her out "You can have you're stupid effing son, I can always have another one"

I'm just wondering if anyone's been in a similar position as I have been and what to expect. I feel really bad for my son. Even more so if she's going to pop up 5 years from now and decide she wants to start seeing him.

As far as what I've heard about her from her family, which wants nothing to do with her, she's off the deepend. Deep into meth and alcohol, sleeping around for meth. Getting away with all this despite being on probation because hell... .probation doesn't give a rats ass.
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seenr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 229


« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2016, 03:20:39 PM »

So sorry to hear this, what a disgraceful attitude to a life she helped to create.

I live in Europe so different laws apply. But my advice is do everything you can to maintain sole custody. You sound like a good solid Dad. Be the shining light in his life. Ensure visits are supervised. If you can afford to give this child a life without her child support so be it.

I would love sole custody of my son. His mother has been violent around him many times. But you have this child's safety in your hands now and I would fight every effort she makes until she can prove true change.

Good luck!
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SamwizeGamgee
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 899


« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2016, 03:26:47 PM »

No one knows the future.  But, you have done right for your son.  I know several divorced dads that would fall down stunned if they could get more time with the kids.  Thank goodness the judge didn't just go with the old style family court party line of "Mom knows best"

As for what to expect, you know your wife better than anyone else.  I would suggest, though, that you treat it like driving a car.  You have no idea what the other driver is going to do, may do, or can do, but, you can stay on your side of the road, follow the law, and use best judgement.  Put effort into your driving (living your life) and not controlling the other driver.

I'd say spend all you effort being super dad.  Give yourself a good while to get that figured out and stable.  Sage advice I hear is to give it a good year after the ink is dry on your divorce decree before you start dating again.  That also gives you time to hone your judgement so that your next relationship is with a normal healthy person.

Congrats dad!
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JerryRG
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1832


« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2016, 04:16:42 PM »

There are a lot of similarities with my exgf and our 2 year old son. I am hoping to get full custody someday.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, your ex sounds a lot like mine. I try to focus my attention on my son's needs and my own. Not always easy when shared custody is our arrangement. I'm paying child support, working, caring for our son and paying daycare expenses while mother is dreaming up illnesses and avoiding finding a job.

It stinks but we both have a beautiful son and that's the important thing to remember.

Take care of yourself singledaddy, your child needs a strong, stable, healthy parent and you're it.

My exgf was in jail for obstruction of an emergency call when she told me she was pregnant, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) neither one of us even gave it a second thought.

Relax, enjoy your son every single moment
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singledaddy

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2016, 11:43:58 PM »

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. You know when I questioned her about the birth control her response was "because then I got you for 18 years b___." Funny and sad when I told my lawyer this, she said the sad reality is that I've got her for 18 years. I buried her in court. The judges exact words were "Mrs XXXX I am not inclined to listen to anything you have to say since you didn't find it prudent to file a response with this court."

I guess I find myself on this board because I am trying to detach from the wounds that have been inflicted on me, and on my son... .I have never been in a relationship that was dysfunctional like this before. But thankfully he is to young to remember his mother punching me in the face while holding him, or the times his mother kept telling him she would disown him if he grew up to be anything like his father.

Still this is a tough road for me to walk. My son is now 9 months old, and out of those 9 months his mother was only around for 1 of them. Technically she was around for 3 but she would disappear for weeks at a time on meth/alcohol bingers.

I have so many questions going through my head. Questions like... .What do I tell my son about his mom when he is old enough to ask. I am a very stable person in all things, I managed to save up 10 years of living expenses so I can spend the most time with my son during the crucial moments of development. But now I have questions like, how am I going to ensure that my son has a positive female role model in his life. Especially since I now have the stigma of being a single dad, implying baggage. Not that I am looking at dating at the moment.

Regardless of it all I will go to my grave if need be to provide my son with the most love and compassion I can possibly give. Sorry for the rant, I just need to get it off my chest. I am having a hard time with it all.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11051


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« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2016, 01:14:49 AM »

Hi singledaddy,

Your custody sounds rock solid. Even though your son is only 9 months old, he may start asking questions a year from now.  Though there is a chance she could reconnect,  it doesn't sound likely at this point.  There is nothing wrong with telling the truth age appropriately  when it comes time.  That's a ways off, however.  You can find good resources to help him later in the lessons on the Co-Parenting Board. How to validate and raise an emotionally resilient child. 

My ex stared detaching when our daughter had just turned 1 and our son was 3. Though she tilted back somewhat to not neglecting our children,  I felt like I was on my own for over a year,  and at those ages,  attachments are critical.  Attention can't be underdone.Hug him,  hold him,  kiss him as much as you can.  My therapist said that children see themselves reflected in the faces of their parents.  I used to hold my kids in front of me,  beaming and smiling,  telling them what great babies they were.  They mirror that back.  We often talk here about people with BPD engaging in dysfunctional mirroring due to their empty selves,  but not all mirroring is dysfunctional.  Children reflect our emotions,  and often internalize them.  You have the power to be the loving,  stable parent and caretaker who can more than make up for the other parent's absence.   

In addition to whatever help you have from family and friends,  reach out to whatever professional resources you can. 

Turkish
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
SamwizeGamgee
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 899


« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2016, 08:26:38 AM »

I feel for you.  There's a lot to figure out.  Unfortunately, you've got to figure out being a dad, and a single dad, and a divorced husband, and a single guy again  - all at about the same time.  And a recovering victim of abuse!

There are some pretty good books on parenting, and divorcing with kids.  You can jump in reading - I find it helps. 

You do not need to find him a positive female role model!  Do you have his grandparents around?  Aunts?  Someone who can nanny?

Date again when you have figured yourself out, and how you got where you are now.  Dating for your "kid's benefit" is not the right thing to do.  He needs at least one stable parent to attach too.  Lucky for him, it sounds like you want the job. 

Don't worry about being a perfect dad.  Be you.  Go with your gut.  I am blessed with five kids. They are all different, and all have needs on their own.  Some of the best dad advice I can give is don't try to be mom too, or a mom clone, or surrogate.  While it is true that moms and dads both have roles in child development, you can't be both to your son.  Do what comes naturally.  Wrestle, hug, roll around, chase, cook, clean, build, nap, paint, read lots of book together.  In short, just bond. 

No one really knows what they are doing with their first kid anyway, and low and behold, first born children end up being presidents, CEOs, sports stars, great parents in turn, leaders, artists, nurturers, and so forth. 
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