Update & Thank you

[knowledgeseeker]

Mediation was this past Wed. I want to thank everyone on here that has commented and given me words of wisdom. I truly do not think I would have been as well prepared to go through this as I was with the help of many amazing people on this board. Having the support of you all helped me make informed choices on what type of lawyer to pick and how to navigate divorcing a BPD. Finding a lawyer that specialized in dealing with high conflict individuals was the right choice and she picked the right mediator based on this knowledge and it paid off.

My ex showed up ill prepared and about two hours into mediation the mediator himself said my ex was disordered, out of it and raging to the point of not making any sense. He showed up an hour late and with no documentation what so ever to back up any of his crazy lies. The mediator told him the way it was going to go down if we went to trial and that I had volumes of documentation in the other room. Every lie he told the mediator brought the mediator back into our room and we would simply pull out the documentation that proved he was lying. It got to the point where the mediator said my ex just wanted to get out of here and that he was acting out of it and extremely exhausted. I knew what he wanted the most and made sure that he felt like he got something here and there and in the end I was very pleased with the outcome and shocked that we were able to settle it. I really thought we were going to trial. The mediator said that in all the years he has been doing this he has never seen a client and a lawyer as ill prepared as they were. When I asked if he was in there screaming at him he said my ex was trying to control it but having a hard time. I said welcome to what was my world and he simply replied, this is why you are divorcing him. It was actually pretty validating. I did feel bad for the mediator he did his best to know show how frustrated he was with my ex but it slipped through many times. We were there for 7 hours. I did give in a couple of areas but it was worth it to me to be able to move forward and be done with this chapter. Now lets just hope he abides by the settlement agreement.

I have to say that while I felt such a sense of relief to have the day behind me it was also filled with great sadness. Sadness for my kids, all that had unfolded for us in the past months, the lies he told, the deceit the destruction. It didn't need to be this hard, but chaos and drama is his way. I especially felt sad for my step daughter who he just completely dumped and who will continue to reside with me. I pushed for him to help with her expenses and pay her directly to help with her college costs, he wouldn't hear of it. I asked the mediator to push on it and he said he simply doesn't care. How can you not care about your own child? The mediator just looked at me and said he doesn't care. I pushed one last time and asked if we would at least carry her on his medical insurance until she is 26 while she is in school and he agreed to that. When it was all said and done he was like a caged animal and couldn't wait to leave. He left on a plane, never once trying to reach out to his daughter. No text to her, no phone call, no nothing. When I walked through the door of our home that day she was waiting for me in the front room. We simply looked at each other and started crying. I just held her like I have since she was a little girl. We were both relieved it was over but the lack of resolution still plaques us both. He will never say he is sorry. My heart aches for her, I can never take that pain she feels away I can only continue to love her and provide her the stability she deserves. She is the best thing that came out of that relationship. I will never understand him and he will never change he will simply continue to run, hide or start over rather than deal with himself. It is what it is. I should get the final papers in 4 weeks. Fingers crossed he comes through on what he agreed to in mediation.

[livednlearned]

It's relief grief, when you get through something difficult only to finally experience the sadness waiting for you.   I'm glad you were able to reach an agreement and felt prepared. It sure helps to have a support system and plan ahead.

Like a lot of people with BPD, it sounds like he dysregulated under stress, and being dysregulated makes it hard to think straight and problem solve.

I would count on his inability to abide the settlement agreement, at least in part. Not because he wants to, but because non-compliance goes with the disorder. He may not fully understand the implications of what happened in mediation, and if he is like many people who suffer from BPD, distress will dysregulate him and cause him to think poorly and make bad decisions.

We'll be here for you when you are ready to strategize the next steps. 

[david]

I came to realize that when my ex became dysregulated there was nothing I could do to help. I triggered her no matter what I did. 
I went through a mediation and left after about three hours because it was going nowhere. It started at 9 am. I left around noon. The mediator called a little after 6 pm to say she thought tomorrow (our court date) would work out fine. Apparently ex was with her all day and the mediator got through to her ? Went to court the next day and ex presented her idea of how things should be which happened to be what I was saying and what was already in our court order. Somehow the mediator convinced her it was her idea. Took about 15 minutes in court and we continued following the court order.
I think your SD will appreciate you and stay close to you. I have SS's, ex's boys from her first marriage, and one is complete NC with his mom and another is extreme LC with her. We get together on a regular basis, vacation together with my two boys from the marriage, and are still close. Of course, I have been accused of brainwashing them. The SS's are in their 30's.
I used to wonder how my ex couldn't see what she was doing to everyone involved. I used to think she would snap out of it especially because of the boys from her first marriage but this all started in 2007 and I no longer expect her to change.

[GaGrl]

A full day? How exhausting! I have done workplace mediation and never had to go longer than 3 hours.

Who is writing up the final agreement?

[flourdust]

Thank you for sharing that. You too, david.

My mediation session is coming up in about three weeks. My expectation is that it's going to go more like david's session. I'm super-organized, with a detailed custody and settlement proposal, as well as substantial documentation regarding finances and parenting history. We've asked my BPDw to produce at minimum a counter-proposal prior to mediation. I'm not sure she can make her thoughts coherent enough to put anything together other than a stream-of-consciousness flow of grievances and demands. We'll see.

I'm glad it worked out for you, knowledgeseeker. A long and horrible day, but you got what you needed, and now you don't have to go to trial! That's fantastic!

[david]

flourdust, Around two and a half hours into the mediation, we were in separate rooms, I made a pinky bet with the mediator that ex would say no even if I agreed to everything she demanded. The mediator didn't believe me but took us into a room together and let ex know I was agreeing to everything she wanted. Of course, ex said no. The mediator then tried to explain to ex that she was getting everything she was asking for and ex still said no. That was when I realized I needed to leave and enjoy the nice sunny day.

[flourdust]

flourdust, Around two and a half hours into the mediation, we were in separate rooms, I made a pinky bet with the mediator that ex would say no even if I agreed to everything she demanded. The mediator didn't believe me but took us into a room together and let ex know I was agreeing to everything she wanted. Of course, ex said no. The mediator then tried to explain to ex that she was getting everything she was asking for and ex still said no. That was when I realized I needed to leave and enjoy the nice sunny day.

Why did she say no? Did she give any kind of justification?

[david]

No justification, it was simply to be against anything I "wanted". We went to court the next day and ex basically stated the court order and wanted to follow that. The reason we were going to court was because ex would not agree to follow the court order for the summer schedule and wanted to give me less time. It was all in email exchanges so I had proof. Ex had a summer schedule that met the court order the next day. She gave it to the judge and he handed it to me. It met the order and I agreed to it. I looked around for Rod Serling but he was nowhere to be found. Negative engagement is still engagement.

[sanemom]

Negative engagement is still engagement.

I see this ALL the time with my husband's ex... .just nuts.

It can be such an emotional experience.  So glad your mediation worked out--did it all get signed there?  I can tell you from personal experience that it's not over until it is at the courthouse and signed... .