Introduction, need support

[Bcn]

Hi all- 

I've been reading this site for weeks. I am recently separated (3 months) from an ex partner I now know has BPD. It's a complicated story- as everyone's is- but here are some of the basics. We have two kids and were together 16 years. We tried couples therapy a number of times but her insistence that I was her "abuser" and her black and white thinking always led to her deciding to leave therapy if she was remotely challenged by the therapist. She is VERY tied to her victim identity. Anyway, my own therapist had in recent years brought up the issue of gaslighting with me and it certainly fit a lot of what was going on, but it was our children's therapists who brought up the issue of BPD. Our split seemed amicable at first but then when the split actually happened she completely lost it, stopped communicating about our kids, even managed to get a restraining order against me based completely on fabrication (through my lawyer and the threat of having her sit for a deposition I was able to get her to back down, but at great financial and emotional cost to me). Anyway, now that that crisis had died down I'm struggling with a number of things- the realization of how badly I was treated for so long, coming to terms with the self-esteem and self-doubt issues that kept me with her and making excuses for her for so many years, co-parenting (or trying to) with someone with BPD etc. I also find myself struggling with feeling sorry for her and also being oddly jealous and upset that she already had a new woman waiting in the wings when she left. I say this is odd because I don't want to reconcile with her and I know I am better off without her. However, again due to the above-referenced self-esteem issues, the idea of this woman still bothers me. The heart and the head aren't communicating yet. Anyway, I am grateful to have found this site and will likely read and post more frequently now that I am actually registered   Learning more about BPD is liberating but also difficult because I know I will never be completely free of this person while we share children. Thanks! B

[joeramabeme]

Hi Bcn

Welcome to the family!  So sorry to hear what you are going through.  Sounds as if you have really put some effort into making this work out for you. As you mentioned at the end of your post these relationships take a long time to let go of. Seems to be a combination of feeling deeply in love while simultaneously being pushed away.  That combination is powerful for us nons and we learn some of the reasons why that is from being here. 

Are you no contact?   How are the kids doing?   And do you have some ideas about how to help them transition?

Best. JRB

[Lilyroze]

  Bcn,

Welcome, though I wish you didn't have to be here under these circumstances.

I know you have been reading, there are so many great articles and resources.

How are your children?

What small goals do you have right now to help you through this?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Bcn,



I'm so glad that you decided to post. Sixteen years is a long time, so I can imagine how difficult this is for you, especially with children involved. I'm sorry that things got to this point, that is always painful.

Your feelings about the head and heart not really being in the same place are so understandable. I can definitely relate. And also to the other person waiting in the wings. That hurts, no matter how much we have accepted the separation. 

You may have noticed that there are lots of tools here to help you as you navigate this separation. Learning communication skills can reduce conflict and make the co-parenting less stressful if your ex's behavior becomes erratic again. Here is a link with more information on that:

How to "Ex" Communicate (Parenting after the divorce)

I would also encourage you to have a look at the Coparenting After the Split board. You will find members who have been (and are) in similar situations.

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on? It's so important during times like these.

Keep posting, it really helps. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Bcn, Welcome!  Glad you are registered and posting.  Most of us have been in your shoes, so you are not alone, believe me.  Your life really can improve.  Having made the break, you are now in a position to move forward, which is a good place to be.  LJ

[ICantFixHer]

Welcome, BCN, whatever I can do to offer help, say the word. You found the right place -- your life is getting back on track. Congrats!

[Bcn]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I definitely plan to head over to the co-parenting board! I am so glad to have found this place. The kids are doing OK, they hate switching homes but I guess that is standard fare for any kids of divorce. I also think they were pretty indirectly traumatized by the lack of contact and the arrangements that had to be abided by when the temporary RO was in effect. I desperately wish we could go totally no-contact, that would be my ideal. However, with the kids, we have to have some contact so, we we have an agreement to limit contact to emails and only to use texts and phone calls in case of emergency. She's not the pestering type of BPD, frankly she's more likely to stonewall me and delay communication in order to frustrate me. Thanks all for the welcome!

[Wize]

She is VERY tied to her victim identity.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and consider this "victim identity" as the #1 greatest obstacle to a pwBPD recognizing and getting help for their disorder.  It is simply too easy to reinforce this identity on an almost daily basis because, well, we all screw up and make mistakes.  Because pwBPD, like every human on earth, are affected by other human's mistakes... .they get constant validation and reinforcement that they are indeed the victim and the entire world is out to get them.  This is how my stbx BPD wife is.  It's pretty terrible.