How to deal with the BPD mother-in-law

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

O boy, here we go again. I must deal with the mother of my stbxBPDw again. Her mother is BPD, it's a generational thing.

My r/s is almost ditto as the rest of the others I read on these message boards except for an added "extra" of extensive involvement with law enforcement and DCFS. She has been the perpetrator and my children and me were victims in DV, child endangerment, multiple public drunkenness including when my 6 year old watched her pass out on the sidewalk, resisting arrests and other disorderly conduct charges.  There are several mug shots of her three arrests in 14 months on the Internet that remind me of this nightmare.

So of course my stbx blocks out everything and blames me for all her woes. Her mother reinforces this. They once had me all in white, the Knight in Shining Armor and now have me painted all black.

Since I have full custody and I drop off the kids and pick them up daily during the work week I will be in contact with both. They feed off each other. I have my children at all the other times I do not work. The court order states she must do a breathalyzer or drug test if I demand it.

Her mother is in town to give her support to a couple hearings on her court supervisions, for one, the judge will be looking how she did since the first charge of spousal battery. This should be interesting.

Her mother is also in town to meet the new replacement, apparently my stbx has the ring  picked out and has marriage plans and the mother wants to meet the new rescuer. The divorce is not final but for the first time she is pushing for an end. She actually had her lawyer ask my lawyer to waive co-habitation as grounds to terminate maintenance (alimony).  BTW when my attorney told me this I just laughed!

I have told my stbx she must stop any and all contact with me with the sole exception of anything directly pertaining to our children.

On the past I have ignored the mother's staring glares, her snide remarks and playing on the kids to try to upset me.

I am open to any and all suggestions on how to deal with these two BPDers?

[StayStrongNow]

O boy, here we go again. I must deal with the mother of my stbxBPDw again. Her mother is BPD, it's a generational thing.

My r/s is almost ditto as the rest of the others I read on these message boards except for an added "extra" of extensive involvement with law enforcement and DCFS. She has been the perpetrator and my children and me were victims in DV, child endangerment, multiple public drunkenness including when my 6 year old watched her pass out on the sidewalk, resisting arrests and other disorderly conduct charges.  There are several mug shots of her three arrests in 14 months on the Internet that remind me of this nightmare.

So of course my stbx blocks out everything and blames me for all her woes. Her mother reinforces this. They once had me all in white, the Knight in Shining Armor and now have me painted all black.

Since I have full custody and I drop off the kids and pick them up daily during the work week I will be in contact with both. They feed off each other. I have my children at all the other times I do not work. The court order states she must do a breathalyzer or drug test if I demand it.

Her mother is in town to give her support to a couple hearings on her court supervisions, for one, the judge will be looking how she did since the first charge of spousal battery. This should be interesting.

Her mother is also in town to meet the new replacement, apparently my stbx has the ring  picked out and has marriage plans and the mother wants to meet the new rescuer. The divorce is not final but for the first time she is pushing for an end. She actually had her lawyer ask my lawyer to waive co-habitation as grounds to terminate maintenance (alimony).  BTW when my attorney told me this I just laughed!

I have told my stbx she must stop any and all contact with me with the sole exception of anything directly pertaining to our children.

On the past I have ignored the mother's staring glares, her snide remarks and playing on the kids to try to upset me.

I am open to any and all suggestions on how to deal with these two BPDers?

[StayStrongNow]

All I hear is crickets... .

This is my first post on this board and I see this board is sure different from the detaching board.

[ambivalentmom]

Good Afternoon,
     I'm sorry you haven't been getting many ideas on what to do in your situation.  It sounds like she is low-functioning and you are doing well in terms of custody and understanding her condition, but you are in need of support because you are worried about your children, mom's infuence, grandma's influence, no idea if the new guy is even safe for your children to be around, and you have to deal with these people on a regular basis as a constant reminder of what your children are going through and don't deserve. 

You will know your situation best, but what worked for me was having someone else to be with me/replace me for all drop offs and communication.  Emails were forwarded to a specific folder, so I wouldn't get anxiety/upset because I saw an email from him unexpectedly.  I could pick a time that I could handle reading the email (and he also couldn't try to take back any of his emails after I read them).  I had a friend with me in the car during drop offs to take my mind off things.  It also helped that she knows the real him, so she could badmouth him for me to make me feel better.

I can't say much about everyone else here, but I am currently working through the exhaustion that is summer visitation (Ex says when he will pick D13 up, tells D13 he's picking her up a week earlier, I send another email and finally get the real day, I cancel her GS camp, he doesn't send me anything about what time he will pickup that day, and D13 doesn't know what to do about him making plans with her and him not telling me,  I tell her that he is required to contact me, he finally sends a text saying he will pick her up in 15 minutes, but we're not home).  That's just the stress of him picking her up.  My bigger concern is not knowing where my D13 is (like what state in the US) and not being able to talk to her.  I have to figure out what time she is alone at the house because when she is with her dad, she talks in one word sentences.  I also have to be careful because he thinks I am just trying to interrogate her and has told her that I will punish her for certain things.  She is always afraid to talk to me about anything over there.

This site has really helped me understand what is happening, but if you are able to have a friend or family member you can physically be with and talk to, I would also try that.  That is a more general solution, but if there is anything specific you need advice on, let us know.  In the meantime, I will try to read some more of your previous posts to get a better idea of your situation.   

[Panda39]

I have told my stbx she must stop any and all contact with me with the sole exception of anything directly pertaining to our children.

On the past I have ignored the mother's staring glares, her snide remarks and playing on the kids to try to upset me.

I am open to any and all suggestions on how to deal with these two BPDers?

What kind of contact do you an your ex have at this point?  You can ask her to stop all contact except about the kids but in my experience she won't do that so it becomes up to you to enforce your boundary.  Hopefully all of your communication is via email.  Email gives you documentation if you need it, and you can slow down your responses so things are not just kneejerk reactions.  If the email isn't about the kids ignore it and don't respond... .don't engage in the drama.  If a response is warranted then use a "BIFF" Brief, Informative, Friendly & Firm... .In other words keep is short and sweet.

Good job ignoring the stbxw's moms remarks and looks... .don't take the bait.

Can you give some more specific examples of your stbxw and her mother's behaviors regarding the kids?  Then we might be better able to give you some strategies to help.  How old are your kids?  You have full custody and she has visitation? With the previous abuse and drug/alcohol use is visitation supervised? Is most of the conflict at exchanges?  How are your kids doing with everything?  Are any of you receiving therapy? Divorce still in process?

Sorry for all the questions I'm just trying to get a picture of where you and your kids are in terms of their mother and what specifically you are having trouble with most co-parenting with her.

Take Care,
Panda39

[ambivalentmom]

I read some of your older posts and had two more thoughts.  You could start researching childcare in your area.  Right now you are dependant on her because she watches the kids while you work.  You need to have a contingency plan for when she is arrested again and maybe something more permanent if you feel the children are unsafe with her.  Depending on the laws in your area, your kids might not be old enough to stay home alone for a few years.  This also is something to think about if there is a chance you will no longer have to pay alimony in the future.

The other thought is working with your children.  Since they are 6-10yrs old, they will not be emotionally equipped to handle the situation.  You will be the best person to observe their behaviors and decide if counseling will be good for them (I am very pro-counselling).  They would have an unbiased third party to talk to in dealing with their parents divorcing, mom seeing someone else, and all the additional drama that may come. 

Please give us updates and let us know how it's going.

Some additional things to look out for (kindof went off on a tangent):
--Your kids will blame and be mad at you for things mom said, they are only doing this because they are young and scared.  If they side with mom, she won't be angry at them.  They only have to please her because, subconciously, they know you are always here for them.  You have a while before they figure it out, but for now, try not to get caught up in their anger.
--The kids have the right to like or dislike the new person in your/mom's life.  If they dislike mom's boyfriend, she will say you are the cause,  more stuff to ignore.  There is usually a lot of dislike in the beginning, because a step-parent destroys the last hope that their biological parents will get back together.
--There also will be a lack of routine and rules at mom's house (not sure if it's cause they can't handle it or if they are trying to win the kids over with no regard for their best interest).  Your oldest may start saying, "at my mom's house we get to... ."  I usually respond with, "There are different rules at different places and in our house we... ."
--Document everything.  I use Google calendars and created a seperate calender for events regarding visitation, limited contact, and behaviors/things my D13 says.
--Once you've done what you can, don't drive yourself crazy trying to predict her next move.  There is too many possible outcomes for a BPD when they disregulate.  Take care of yourself as priority and an example for your kids to follow, then do everything you can to take care of/spend time with your kids.

[ForeverDad]

On item I got in my parenting schedules was that my time was my time.  She would try to snatch the 2 hours before or after school claiming she wasn't working and so was entitled to take over since motherhood trumped daycare.  Well, the order and a police visit or two resolved that.

So I agree with ambivalentmom, check out daycare while you work.  Sure, if the court wants it she can have some time with them but rely on daycare or after school care to handle while you're working.  It's an extra expense but could reduce your co-parenting problems.

Also, if you have to meet her for exchanges, is there somewhere nearby you can do it that is a neutral location?  A police station, restaurant or supermarket?

Sadly, you can't afford to be nice or lax with her, niceness can be perceived as weakness and invite more boundary pushing, especially by MIL.

[gary seven]

Dear Stay Strong,
I, too have an undxBPDmil.  It is very tough when 2 generations of undxBPDwomen, who are mother and daughter, are together.

After I was removed from that proverbial pedestal, & once I understood it wasn't me (that took about 5 years) I have had to set a mobile  series of boundaries for both them, of different radii, depending on which one acts worse (in front of the children).

Two gems from the past:  In 2014 I had to take a drop-everything-and-get-on-the-next-plane to pick my wife and kids up from a cruise that the in-laws took to "spend some extra time with the kids." By the end of the 8 day trip the MIL changed her mind & refused to drive them all home (the original plan).

In 2015 I told my stbx that it was a "really bad idea" to take the kids out to see her folks" for Spring Break.  I could not get off work.  I pleaded to get a rental car & hotel ("No, it saves money if I stay with them, plus they have an extra car for me to use".  Within 48 hrs the undxBPDmil bellowed across her house to my stbx (IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN) "I will give you $500 if you leave RIGHT NOW."  I was advised in the form of a text message, and I said "Get Cash." It was a holiday weekend, so the first available flights were 48 hrs later.  I had Supershuttle pick them up at the door, and fly them home.  I have not let them near the kids since: the condition with my stbx is that I must be present if it happens ever again. The stbx was paid by check.

Since then my stbx & I agree they are to stay at a local motel that "really likes her and giver her the biggest suite."

My stbx soon will have her demi-centennial, and guess who is coming to dinner?

Point being: look at those local motels--expedia, travelocity, etc., and send them the link!

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you for your responses. The things you mentioned are all things weighing heavy on my mind such as her self harming again, not only her cutting self harm but her .24 blood level alcohol test to me is self harming, also the child care, painting me black(er) to the kids, her becoming violent, my finances, plus all those responsibilities it takes to be a good father and Mr mom to my children. The pressures are enormous with work, raising my kids while dealing with the stbxBPDw and stbxBPDmil, lawyers, bills etc.

Just last Friday night the stbxBPDmil sent a scathing text. Can't wait until she flies home to California. So glad to read your post garyseven about the 2 generations. Although I really picked a winner family, the stbxBPDmil's mother apparently had the same disease, she married some plus ten times divorced once!

I am struggling paycheck to paycheck, I know first hand that BPD does have a problem with compulsive shopping, she dissipated the assets big time and the divorce decree won't have much of me getting paid back for her robbing me.

One of my greatest gifts is the God given gifts of my children, I had 4 but my youngest daughter died a few years ago at the young age of 25 months. I love all my children so much. I am so grateful I have been able to protect and provide for them. And I know the children love me. The 2 BPDers try to make my life difficult and my children's and it's clear they are deep in the sickness and really are the epitome of the saying "hurt people hurt people."

Another gift is knowledge gained by knowing what happened and why. The light at the end of the tunnel is close as the final divorce decree is within reach now. All the cycles are done and complete including discard and replacement. I know she will fall down again, probably literally again like when she passed out with my S6 onto the sidewalk. I will be there to pick up my children again and ignore her cries for rescue when she is sentenced to spend thirty days in the hole. Heck, isn't that what the replacement is for?

Anyway, I still cry for this whole thing is so sad, however I now cry celebrating that I am a caring, loving person who can be very compassionate to people and I don't have BPD.