Cut Off Without Warning

[heartandmind]

Hello! 

A kind of long but easy, quick read -- apologies in advance!

My ex-girlfriend and I were together for over a year. Throughout this time, we went through everything together - her moving to a new city (which is currently mine), the loss of a parent, and subsequently, a drug addiction, shopping, cleaning, practically living together, raising a pet, being diagnosed with BPD, etc. She would always tell me that she's never felt so cared for in her life and that she's never pushed someone away so much and had them still be there for her (both terrible warning signs for someone with BPD!) She has a ravaging fear of commitment and the worst anxiety I have ever seen.

We stopped dating about four months ago (it was incredibly sad but amicable -- we both agreed that she needed time/help dealing with her drug addiction before she could ever make a commitment). We kept in touch for two months, over the course of which she would say that we were going to get back together and that she missed me like crazy.

This all happened until one day I asked her to speak about the break up since I felt that there had been a lot of miscommunication on my end -- this is what started an over one month shutout -- four texts (including one asking her if she wanted me to leave her life - I told her I wouldn't be angry), no answer.

I was at a party about a month ago and we bumped into each other -- she had every chance to ignore me, but she did not. She was very emotional and told me she has since gotten sober and finally started to process and grieve the loss of her mother. She held my hand and also apologized for not answering my text messages and said that she loved me and missed me. We laughed and laughed and snapped right back into where we left off. She invited me out to dinner the following week and I obliged.

A few days later, I texted her to firm up the plans and received no response. It's been three weeks since.

I can't help but wonder what ever happened -- and why.
She has an incredibly avoidant personality that causes her to shut off due to her anxiety -- could it be that she was so fragile overcoming the loss of her mother and her drug addiction that she shut me off completely due to feeling overwhelmed/anxious and a possible fear of abandonment?
Did she see me that night and just get incredibly emotional, speaking with her heart and not thinking with her head (she wanted to see me, but knows she isn't ready yet, therefore she is avoiding me)?
Did she say all of that that night out of guilt? Did she even mean it?
Is she scared me in the sense that she is petrified of her feelings for me? The relationship was always push/pull.
Is she dating someone else? If so, why not cut me loose when I asked if she wanted me gone? That was a get out of jail free card!

She has taken no action to get me out of her life (still friends on social media, hasn't blocked my number, fought or blamed me for the breakup, etc.) -- so if she wants me gone, why not?

Even though I will always always love her, I have a date this upcoming week and deleted her on social media about a week ago because I just cannot take the anxiety of seeing her pop up, but I do wonder if she would ever try to get in touch again.

Any insight into similar situations would be helpful - in all sincerity, I thank you so much in advance 

[gotbushels]

Hi questioning_

It seems like you've gone through a turbulent separation. You've been subject to behaviour that would confuse me, behaviour like having "snapped right back into where we left off". That's normal for non-pwBPD relationships. I went through this too.

She would always tell me that she's never felt so cared for in her life and that she's never pushed someone away so much and had them still be there for her (both terrible warning signs for someone with BPD!)

Your thought here is consistent with what I think too. Pushing and pulling between fear and abandonment seem common to some pwBPDs behaviour.

She has a ravaging fear of commitment and the worst anxiety I have ever seen.

Some members here have more than a few dozen "break-up/make-up" cycles. I've gone through more than a dozen with the relationship with my own ex.

Generally, for my relationship, asking "why" questions didn't help much. I guess going through x amount of answers that make no sense, drift with the unstable self, or are lies make such questions somewhat futile. They actually confused me more than if I decided to sit down on my own to figure it out.

For your five initial "why" questions, I'm sorry but I don't have a stable satisfactory answer to them.

She has taken no action to get me out of her life (still friends on social media, hasn't blocked my number, fought or blamed me for the breakup, etc.) -- so if she wants me gone, why not?

I'd consider this is a somewhat expected survival behaviour for the BP. No answer keeps you dangling. Then, based on what you do, she can then attempt to self-validate what her need is at the time. I'm inclined to look at this as a control behaviour.

Any insight into similar situations would be helpful

What might help you, that helped me, when I had a lot of "why" questions, was understanding my role. You may see it as a step back to when you were in the relationship, but it really helped me with the "whys" before making my (final) decision

From there, it might be helpful for you to define to yourself where you're at so you can get some control of your role. Try the poll.

Welcome to the boards questioning_ I hope you find rest from the confusion. I look forward to hearing more about your story.


Board's acronyms here.

[heartandmind]

She has taken no action to get me out of her life (still friends on social media, hasn't blocked my number, fought or blamed me for the breakup, etc.) -- so if she wants me gone, why not?

I'd consider this is a somewhat expected survival behaviour for the BP. No answer keeps you dangling. Then, based on what you do, she can then attempt to self-validate what her need is at the time. I'm inclined to look at this as a control behaviour.

That's interesting -- I suppose I have never thought of it in that way. I honestly would have stayed with her forever if I could have, but unfortunately it is the no contact for weeks that I cannot handle. Similarly, even if she writes back to me weeks later, I feel like a fool responding not knowing exactly what was going on for that period of time! I feel like I'm always just begging waiting for a response.

As someone with BPD she is incredibly self aware and has always taken responsibility for her mess ups -- we never fought once even though three breakups (they'd only ever last two or three weeks, at most). It was the last breakup four months ago that was the final straw though, as her drug problem was worsening and her ability to maintain a relationship was completely drained.

She has always spoken about herself getting intense anxiety about me/her romantic feelings for me/a commitment and then "avoiding" the situation due to shutting down -- I assume intense feelings that I'm not so sure she can process or handle, which is always what I attributed the silence for weeks to be, but who knows 

[FallBack!Monster]

We could have a million (similar) questions and probably none would be answer.

I stopped asking myself those questions.  They were driving me crazy. I knew I wouldn't get any answers.  Most worst of all, what really scared me, was the believe that this could take place over and over and over again.

I asked the internet that question, until I was satisfied that I would never get a straight answer from my ex.  This forum and other sites satisfied my curiosity.  I felt I would never win.  I felt that even if she had answered any of my questions; her self, would I believe her.  Would it satisfied all my my whys?

I decided that easy does it, and one day, there were no more questions.  Actions speak louder than words.

When you get to the point where your learn that the answers to those question don't change the facts, then you will be okay.  Work on it.  We're here.

[gotbushels]

That's interesting -- I suppose I have never thought of it in that way. I honestly would have stayed with her forever if I could have, but unfortunately it is the no contact for weeks that I cannot handle. Similarly, even if she writes back to me weeks later, I feel like a fool responding not knowing exactly what was going on for that period of time! I feel like I'm always just begging waiting for a response.

People longing for their partner to some extent after a breakup, that's normal. People in "normal" relationships not knowing how to respond after silence, that's normal. With these in mind, she basically sets the path for a sequence of behaviours. Some nons go into some blame and finger-pointing, that's normal. This problem gets worse with more breakup cycles because more issues are introduced. The thing is, intentionality doesn't matter too much here, the fact is that it's done. I think a good general approach is this:

So how to deal with a constant pattern? Can you make them less pushing you away?

<br/>:)on't repeat the same pattern and dont focus on the current issue. Your life decisions need to be independent of their actions, not reactive to them. (... .)

If you look at the pattern of normal → normal → normal → absence of limits around breakup behaviours → cycle initiates, you can consider how this is a great example of how basically "normal" people get put into unhealthy relationship cycles with the pwBPD.

As someone with BPD she is incredibly self aware and has always taken responsibility for her mess ups

This might seem "good" but the problem is that often without treatment, they are stuck in a cycle of responsibility without change. You might have some miracle case--but miracles aside--some BPs do take responsibility but have already spent x number of years doing things like splitting to the point where it cycles indefinitely. It's even been said this can cause "rips" in the personality fabric itself later on. I've seen artwork of BPs attempting to describe this issue, and it makes me sad that there's some truth to it.

-- we never fought once even though three breakups (they'd only ever last two or three weeks, at most).

That's a little unusual to me. I'd think that breakups involve some level of disagreement.

who knows

Pretty much!

[heartandmind]

As someone with BPD she is incredibly self aware and has always taken responsibility for her mess ups

This might seem "good" but the problem is that often without treatment, they are stuck in a cycle of responsibility without change. You might have some miracle case--but miracles aside--some BPs do take responsibility but have already spent x number of years doing things like splitting to the point where it cycles indefinitely. It's even been said this can cause "rips" in the personality fabric itself later on. I've seen artwork of BPs attempting to describe this issue, and it makes me sad that there's some truth to it.

This is so very true -- she has always apologized for her behavior (lack of responding and general communication, avoiding my messages, etc.) and would take full accountability -- but then repeat the same behavior over and over. She would even acknowledge how the behavior is "not at all okay." For instance, the night we bumped into each other, she acknowledged her wrong and apologized for not responding to me for a month -- four days later she did it all over again!

In these times of NC in the past, I truly believe it was more self preservation and fear for her rather than her abandoning and seeing other people, especially with all of the external issues she was dealing with -- but I guess, of course, every person with BPD is different. I suppose it's all just a pattern of behavior and nothing close to anything that we can control... .

[gotbushels]

This is so very true -- she has always apologized for her behavior (lack of responding and general communication, avoiding my messages, etc.) and would take full accountability -- but then repeat the same behavior over and over.

This is commonly observed by members. It's sometimes called:

Omg. THIS. YES. This is exactly my experience. And it IS just like Groundhog Day - more than you even know.

In these times of NC in the past, I truly believe it was more self preservation and fear for her rather than her abandoning and seeing other people,

Observant 

I suppose it's all just a pattern of behavior and nothing close to anything that we can control... .

Terrific. This a great segue to understanding what we can control. You seem somewhat beyond that but if you're interested in getting more awareness (detaching) or seeing how a non may handle a relationship with a BP (maybe still interested), then this content might help you questioning_ 

[stimpy]

You are on the detaching board, is this what you want? Or do you want to restart the relationship? It sounds to me like you are unsure what you truly want.

The push / pull, silent treatment cycle is something many of us have been through on this board. I doubt you will ever get an answer as to "why" she is doing this and no one here will know either. Even she may not really know why.

Do you want to be with someone who treats you like this?