A text from my wife trying to make me feel guilty...what do you think?

[byfaith]

I did not respond to this text. She thinks she knows things that she doesn't. For those who do not know (johnny) is my step son
he lives with us he is 31 years old and has paranoid schizophrenia. Also suffered a stroke when he was 19. Aside from living with him and being able to be around him most of the time these are the things that she expects of me. I am kind to him and fair to him. 

MY WIFE: As far as (Johnny) goes, things aren't going to get better until you find a way to accept him and stop resenting him  for the reasons you do.    He needs to know people like him and want to spend time with him and don't just put up with him. He needs hugs, sympathy, special attention, someone to show a TRUE interest in HIS interests. There's so much more. These are the things I try to give him, but he needs a true friend other than me. I pray for that. I so wish you were that person but your resentment makes that impossible. I'm not being hateful, just very honest. But you already know this


I will post more later but I am just kind of trying to digest this. big time FOG right now

[byfaith]

i get another text.

My Wife: If it were (your son) with paranoid schizophrenia and aphasia and the stroke I KNOW you would be different towards him than with Taylor. You would bend over backwards for him. ANY good parent would. Can't  you get and STAY past the fact that someone like that is not only in your life but living with you? And why can't you only see the fact that I'm BEING a good mother? Can you honestly tell me if that WERE (your son) suffering like (my son) that you would NOT want him to be treated the same as I treat MY son?  When was the last time you tell me I'm a good mother?

people ... .I do not want to go home tonight, just sayin'

[formflier]

OK... .you can do this... .go home... .it will be OK... .because you won't take the bait

I do believe you need to give a healthy response.

Prayerfully consider sending this response.

"Thank you for reaching out to me about Johnny and sharing your feelings.  Can we find time tomorrow around (insert time) to discuss this privately?  This is important to me and I need time to collect my thoughts to have a productive conversation"

Boy... .I did this pretty quick... .so others... please tweak with reasons.

1.  You don't want to ignore.
2.  You want to slow this down.
3.  You don't want to invalidate and the validation target (her emotion) is not clear to me... .so... .steer clear.

Thoughts?

If she demands to talk tonight.  Be steadfast... .this is about you... .you are not prepared for a productive conversation but will be available tomorrow... .or at another time that is convenient.

Go for it!

FF

[byfaith]

thank you sir may I have another

next text

Wife: I'm trying to help you see things differently but I wonder if it will backfire on me. It is what it is. Also, I was so happy to be able to make that money available to you, yet you displayed no gratitude. Almost like it offended you.


The money she mentions. It was to pay medical bills. A couple of weeks ago I told her that I was very discouraged over the bills and all I knew to do at this point was to ask God to make a way to pay them, extra work etc however He saw fit to supply the need.

She went to her mom ( I didn't know it) and she told her mom the situation and her mom wrote a check to take care of it. I guess I didn't jump for joy over the check but I was happy. All of her working behind the scenes to get the money was taking place during a time that we were not speaking ( it doesn't make any sense)

I am not going to go home and apologize for anything. That is exactly what she wants me to do. I don't feel defiant about it. I just can't cave to things that are not true

I don't even know how to have a conversation about any of this ( I had a strange gut feeling that the money would be brought up).

[Lilyroze]

I couldn't have said it better FF! Perfect answer.

 I do agree you need to answer in a healthy way, don't take the bait, validate.

Then go home to a hopefully wonderful evening, where she feels validated and you feel calm doing what you could do in response.

ETA: Just saw your newest will defer to FF or others, but I do hope you can validate and go home to a pleasant evening. You need to feel at peace.

[formflier]

Do not apologize tonight... .and perhaps not tomorrow night.  Let's work on how best to express it. 

All you do tonight is thank her for reaching out, determine a time later to talk... .this is important to you.

I would send her one text... .

At home... .light touch on shoulder... ."thank you for reaching out... .please let me know if tomorrow at 6pm works for you"

if she returns with blather... .

"I need to get back to scheduling a time to talk... ."

maybe say it a second time... .then walk away... .do NOT take bait

FF

[formflier]

You are being intentional about how you live your life and the words you say to your wife.

You are avoiding being reactive... .

She may... .or may not believe that you are ignoring her... .pandering to her... .or insert just about any other claim.

If she devolves into woe is me... .but it's not aimed at you.  Stick with it... .you are there for her... ."that must be hard for you... ."

You can do this.  If she turns it towards you... .don't pick it up.  Walk away as needed.  "I need time to cool off... .I'll check back with you in 10 minutes."  Bring her back glass of water in 10 minutes.

FF

[motherhen]

It sounds like she wants you to affirm what a great job she does taking care of her son and how hard it must be for her. Ignore that she felt the need to attack your care for her son and just let her know that you see what a good mother she is to him.

Let her know that you would like to find a way to let her mother know how much you appreciate the financial assistance. No need to apologize, just validate.

[byfaith]

ok... .so text something like

I read all of your texts... .I understand you are not happy with my relationship to Johnny, I know he is important to you so lets set aside some time to discuss this maybe tomorrow evening around 7:00pm

[byfaith]

ok last set of texts... .it shifts from that to please do me a favor (which I will do)

Her: When are u leaving?

ME: Not sure yet. i have a few more jobs to do

HER: If you're able, pls get about 6 small pizzas. Know which ones I'm talking about? And 5 hr energy for tomorrow
The reason why I texted all that stuff pertaining to Johnny is because when we first started talking a while ago you made that the first issue you had. Something about where my heart is

She twists everything that I say. My point was that because of how she is toward her son it effects everything she does in her life depression, sleep issues, eating issues, isolating herself, getting bitter at people because they don't give him the attention she thinks they should. We can't have normal bedroom relations when he is up etc... I didn't not say all these things like this to her. I didn't even mention most of them to her.

[byfaith]

Do not apologize tonight... .and perhaps not tomorrow night.  Let's work on how best to express it. 

To be honest here... .at any point if I apologized for anything she pointed out I would be disappointed in myself and feel like crap. you mean how to express it without apologizing?

I will let her know I am glad she reached out to me ( I am glad)

Mother hen... .I will assure her she is a good mother. she is. Oh and I did let her mom know I was thankful for the money. I called her personally.

[Lucky Jim]

I read all of your texts... .I understand you are not happy with my relationship to Johnny, I know he is important to you so lets set aside some time to discuss this maybe tomorrow evening around 7:00pm

I like that response, by faith, if it works.

I had only limited success using this approach w/my BPDxW.  Problem was: if she was triggered, it was impossible for her to put off a discussion, so she would goad and bully me into a confrontation, and I would leave the house and come back to find the door locked and my business clothes on the front lawn, etc.  So I agree with the concept, but in reality this strategy didn't work for me.

LuckyJim

[motherhen]

As a mother of minor special needs child, it's HARD even for those of us who are emotionally strong. It's probably even harder or a different kind of hard when said child is an adult. For a BPD parent to be a caretaker, is really sacrificing themselves to someone who won't be able to meet the emotional needs of the BPD or validate them. Of course it affects her deeply, it would affect even the most steady person very much. I really don't think this is about your relationship with her son at all, I think she doesn't know how to ask for validation of her parenting and how hard it is for her so she accused you as a sort of red herring. I hear a lot of crying out for you to validate her giving herself to parenting her grown son here.

In the money situation, I suspect she wants you to give her credit for being the one to arrange getting help from her mother. If you thanked her mother, but she didn't get attention for it she might be feeling threatened that her efforts went unnoticed. I'm not saying any of this is rational, just speculating what might be behind the acting out.

[formflier]

Do not summarize her feelings... .less is more

[formflier]

By now you have likely texted and talked to her at home.  Looking forward to hearing how it went.

I was mobile before... .hence the short answers.

Theory behind less is more.

Texting is already short... she knows what she has texted... no need to summarize.   

You thanked her for reaching out (which acknowledges the text... no need to summarize). 

The less other stuff you say... .the less there is for her to twist... .and the greater chance there is for your core message to have "punch" and land where you want it to land.

Less is more... .

FF

[formflier]

Dude... .I can't wait to hear how it went!

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband has BPD/NPD, and I have four step kids, only one of whom is decent to me, the rest hate me. What I've found to be true though with BPDh is that he thinks it's "fine" to treat his kids like golden children, no matter what they do or say about either of us(to the extent we can't see the grandkids), but MY kid was kicked out, and he hates my son.

I'm expected to "suck it up, and kiss my kids' ass", these are his exact words to me. Yet, he doesn't want to make any effort with my 17 year old son. His behaviors are held to a higher standard than BPDh's girls that are in their mid twenties to early thirties. His youngest child, is 22 and he's behaved more maturely than all his sisters.

Having step kids seems to be a real trigger in most second marriages, never mind when you throw a personality disorder in there. Your step son has mental issues, and physical ones. Mine all have traits of anger and personality disorders like their Dad/Mom. It just becomes another landmine in the life of living with someone with BPD.

I can see why she wants you do interact with her son, but she should also have gratitude that he's living with you, and that you are fair to him. Also, when someone with BPD(and even those without) do something "nice" it feels great to be acknowledged. I think your wife just wants some appreciation for getting the money for the medical bills?

I know living with BPD is hard for us nons, but I still try to praise BPDh for the good things he does. Not that it seems to sink in with him, but I have a feeling your wife really could use hearing that.

[Ceruleanblue]

Totally agree with MotherHen. People with BPD seem to have amplified needs, and even normal people like to feel appreciated. I think showing appreciation for the money would go a long way. I also agree that she just wants to hear that she's a good mother. Validation is such an easy thing to give. It sounds like she is needing that. I'd LOVE it if my husband responded to validation. It's like he doesn't even care or listen when I do. Weird.

I'd bet in your wife's case though, it will smooth things over some. She seems to be seeking it. And yeah, less discussion about the "stuff" she said, but more verbal appreciation would likely go far with her. It's at least worth a try?

[byfaith]

Good news. the atmosphere when I got home was good. I was kind to my wife and she was sitting on the bed and she said she had a major headache, neck and backache. I just put my hands on her shoulders and started rubbing her shoulders and neck. She told me that I was kind for doing that and she thanked me. She told me that she was glad I was being nice.

We have decided to discuss the issues concerning her son at MC. That was our previous agreement anyway.

We sat and watched some tv together and actually went to bed at the same time.

FF, so it went well! 

I am at work so I will post some more thoughts later.

[byfaith]

I have been thinking here. It's been a while since I have just given my wife a card and some flowers or just some little gift. I think the last time was mothers day. I went out and picked flowers for her. I am going to get her a card and put a note in it and maybe get her a little gift of some sort and let her know I appreciate her.

The stuff about her son in my first post in this thread WILL come back up. It will be put on me again. It will always be under the surface with her. Last evening was like putting one of those huge bandaids over a bad cut that you know the minute you take off the bandaid something is going to cause the cut to bleed again.

[formflier]

Good idea... .but make is smaller than you are thinking.  A nice small gesture will do.  Leave her a small card.  Perhaps make it playful... .leave her a coupon in it for a back rub.  You know her best.

The reason to not make it big... .is to not trigger push pull. 

FF

[byfaith]

update to this mess... .

had the beginnings of a good conversation with my wife on the phone. She was telling me of a tentative 10 day trip she and her son may take with a friend of hers.

To make a long story short I said something about taking trip a by myself to see my son to spend time with him (500 mile away). This trip would not include her son going. The conversation went like this:

Me: this would be a good time to mention that I may like to go up and see (my son) and spend time with him.

HER: you would take (my son), right?

Me; I was just wanting to spend time with ( my son)

Her: well that hurts my feelings, and you know it would hurt ( my sons) feelings. So you would go to see (your son) an leave (my son).

Me: I just wanted to spend some time with (my son)

conversation escalated

Me: We need to end this discussion now, I do not want to discuss this now lets focus on your trip.

Her: Click 

[formflier]

OK... .I don't think you did bad on that conversation.

Here is one thing that could represent a change in thinking... .where you could be validating... .agreeable... .and uphold your own values.

you:  "I would imagine it would hurt you and your sons feelings.  I can see how it would be hard for you.  I'm sure we can guide him on how to manage his own feelings."

do you see how your answer was a bit of JADE?  and you minimized your own needs with "just".

Discussing "potential" plans is more of a minefield than making your own plans and then informing.  I'm not saying you shouldn't do it... .just be aware that a "potential" plan leaves a lot more open to change than one that is already made.

Another option

"I'm sure that will be hard for you guys.  I appreciate your effort to support of my family relationships."

FF

[byfaith]

you:  "I would imagine it would hurt you and your sons feelings.  I can see how it would be hard for you.  I'm sure we can guide him on how to manage his own feelings."

do you see how your answer was a bit of JADE?  and you minimized your own needs with "just".

"I'm sure that will be hard for you guys.  I appreciate your effort to support of my family relationships."

I am just being honest here but this is where I guess I don't have enough guts yet. Saying any of this is like hitting a hornets nest and then not being able to run from it.  I do see where saying "just" minimizes my needs but I would have never thought of that though if you would not have pointed it out.

Was I doing the J and D of jade?

[formflier]

https://youtu.be/eKbpWxkgYos

Find some and give it a try!   

FF

[byfaith]

   Good one!

[zonnebloem]

 

Sounds so much BPD... .

the daughter of my ex would say and do things to control me.
I said I wasn't to be controlled by a girl of (then 13)

Years later her dad (3years single) looks me up and we start a relationship.It all has to go soo fast for a BPD.
So... .this girl is back in my life.
I tried, I d my very best and she doens't want to go to her daddy anymore.
I did my best.
He yelled at me ,asking what I have AGAINST his daughter?

I knew very well that he turned the situation.
They know so very well to twist and turn the situation.

Do you think this happens to you now?
Does she try to make you feel guilty?

The thing I am guilty of is that I do not move on! Or do I? being stuck writing on this board?