Please. Explain me this. It is so hurting.

[UnforgivenII]

I am in this relationship. He has been diagnosed both by my therapist and by his. He refused therapy and medications. Three months. Outbursts of rage. He pursued me for many months, I always refused, I sensed something. Then my friend died and I gave in. I am head over heels in love. But something got broken inside me after the last argument. It is not the violence of his reactions. It is not the fact I am caring for him all the time. It is not the fact I am somehow betraying myself in order to please him. It is not about the multitude of female friends, which hurt me a lot. It is his rejection. After the last argument he has really been trying. He is much calmer. He introduced me to his parents who has been so nice to me and look scared by him. But... .he does not want me. I am 48 he is 46. I am not so stunning, but anyway at the moment I have at least three men asking me out. But we made love only four times in three months. In such a detached way. The only thing he lacked were sterilized gloves. Since the last argument we never made love. There are always good excuses. And I look like the nynphomaniac and he is the reasonable one. I stopped asking. I stopped... feeling, for not suffering. But if I only say anything, he goes wild. For him is everything ok. I have given myself a deadline. If within the 15th of August he has not changed, I stop there. I think I deserve someone who wants me. But I wonder... .why? Why? Why he seems to want me at his side, but not in his bed? What the hell is this?please help me to understand. Rejection hurts. A lot.

[UnforgivenII]

PS I am leaving on Saturday and I go back on the 31st of July. Otherwise the deadline would be nearer. I am at my wits end. Please, help me.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you had to find these boards UFII. I know the pain that brings people here and would not wish that on anyone.

I can also relate to the pains of loving someone who does not want you. My x became like that. The rejection is hard, but the emotionally detached sex is even harder.

There is probably something in his pathology that creates an emotional block for him. Until/unless he's willing to figure that out, there's not a lot that can be done. You cannot fix him. It's tough for a non to cope with the bizarre ways that a pwBPD acts and what they do. It is incredibly hurtful and frustrating.

It's good to hear that you're taking care of you and have set limits as to what you're willing to accept. There are many tools here that can help you navigate the journey that you're on. Boundaries (which you've already stated you've set and are going to enforce) and validation go a long way to help calm the situation.

I wish you well, and hope that you keep us informed of your progress. There are many good people here who will listen to you vent and provide encouragement for the choices that you make. They will also offer support and help figuring out any questions that you might have. Just ask.

Take care of yourself!

[UnforgivenII]

Thank you Meili. It is all so confusing and so incredibly hurting. I have always been sexually free and creative. Now I am a blocked wreck of nerves. And I feel the ugliest woman on the whole planet

[Meili]

One thing that might help, even if not now, at some point it will, is to remember that it really isn't about you. It's about his feelings and fears. He isn't actually rejecting you, he is just unable/unwilling to process what is going on inside of himself. Because of that, it gets projected outwardly.

[UnforgivenII]

I try to think about this. I try but it is so difficult. It is the only one thing who would make me really detach. I could also live without it, if only he would be able to reassure me he loves me. But in his opinion the simple fact I am his girlfriend and hevspends time with me is enough. No words "I do not do these things". One day I will just answer... .you know what. A word, for God's sake... .how difficult it is to utter a word? How much rejection can I endure? And if only Inpronounce the verb "leave" he goes nuts. How on earth can I understand this?

[formflier]

These are tough questions to process.

Big... .big picture stuff. 

Yes we all need affirmation and love from others.  As humans we are built for relationships.  However, usually people that get caught up in a r/s with a pwBPD are "too close" or "need it too much".

There is likely some work to do on being ok with yourself, being clear on who you are.

That way when others reject you... .it is still hurftul... sure... .but it doesn't rock your world.

Hang in there!


FF

[Meili]

It may be incredibly difficult for him to utter a word. It may make him vulnerable and subject to all that comes with it. pwBPD have issues with intimacy. It is really scary for them.

In addition to what FF said, working on us allows us to always have someone who will never reject us; ourselves. That isn't the same and certainly doesn't provide the same emotional comfort, but it keeps us off rock bottom.

Hang in there, we all know that this stuff is hard.