birthday coming up

[rarsweet]

I still haven't heard anything from my ex since we got the court order over 2 months ago. 2 months completely no contact, over 5 months of not seeing our daughter. My daughters birthday(2) is coming up next weekend. I decided to be a decent person and send ex an invitation to her birthday party. In that envelope I also sent an invitation for his sister and neice. His sister contacted me today. Ex had just told her he got an invite. Not a word about hers. So I did extend the invite through email. She says ex is saying that I have not been willing to comply with the court order so he has given up. I did tell her the reality version. So ex's sister and neice haven't seen my daughter since last October. She said she will come to the party whether ex does or not. I am a little n nervous. Anybody have experience with an ex's family when the ex isnt involved?

[Turkish]

A parent willing to fight for their child would do just that if the OP wasn't following the court order.  Maybe they would see it that way,  maybe they wouldn't.  Not your job to convince them. 

It sounds like you had a good r/s with the sister,  right?

It may be tempting to talk about the situation, maybe to gain validation,  but I'd keep it BIFF. Let his behaviors speak for themselves, like the high probability that he won't show. Your actions in reaching out speak for themselves.   

[rarsweet]

He just came to my work for coffee. I asked him if he was coming... .he ignored me... just put his change down.

[zonnebloem]

 

Exen and party's?

The mother of the youngest daugter of my ex didn't want to invite me.
the daughter didn't neither ... .my ex said she had to invite me or he (as father) would not come;

so... .in the end they arranged the party (together with one of his 2 granddaughters that I had been taken care of last summerholiday and I enjoyed to take care of the 2 little girls)
without letting me know;

Of course I found out and I felt hurt.

Another B-dayparty: That of his his second son, first marriage: It was OK but nobody talked to me, apart from the mother of the 2 kids I just mentioned.
I'm not keen on going to the party's anymore, and my ex BD turns the facts against me, telling me that I am the one that doesn't accept them.

Bd's and Bd'party's... .enjoy

[rarsweet]

I just received an email from ex's sister in law, who lives in Alaska whom I've never met. She wanted to reach out to be able to send daughter birthday presents. Ex's sister has texted to say that she will be at the birthday party. She asked if she could bring their father. I said absolutely not.  Why are they coming out of the woodwork now? Oh yes, court is in a month.

[rarsweet]

Well he, his sister, and his 5 year old niece came to the birthday party. It was extremely awkward. My daughter sort of seemed confused. It was almost as if he was familiar to her but she couldn't place him. He literally didn't say one word to anyone except his sister and our daughter. One of the guests told me he overheard ex asking daughter if she wanted to come to his house after the party. That is what he says to a 2 year old. He didn't bring any gifts or a card. He sort of followed our daughter around, the party was in a bounce house, daughter was pretty wild . He didn't attempt to play with her in anyway, just followed her around not speaking. Until his sister had him pick her up so she could get pictures of them together. He stayed for maybe an hour and left without a word. His sister got her a tea set that makes bubble counting sounds, way below her level intellectually, she counts to 20 in Spanish and English now, and a purple straw hat. I have not heard from him since. My daughter hasn't said anything about him since the party even though she talks about the party and everyone who came. It's like he was a ghost just passing through, just like when we lived together. I am so anxious about where we go from here. We have court in 5 weeks and I have no clue what to expect. He hasn't filed anything. Daughter does have her 2 year checkup tomorrow, which I did notify him of back in February via email. I wonder if he will go, I hope not. I know it isn't reasonable to expect him to stay away forever, but I dread the changes she will go through and the stress if he comes back.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello rarsweet. I understand your fear and I cannot add say anything to comfort you.

Pray.

[ForeverDad]

I'm glad you found a balance between, on the one hand, feeling you had to be overly fair and had to reach out endlessly versus, on the other hand, worried you may be blocking.  Giving an invite to her party shows you're not blocking, at least not overmuch.  Use that in court if he claims you're unfairly blocking.  But don't feel obligated to ignore your concerns about his mental state and its ups and downs.  In short, continue this newfound balanced approach.

[rarsweet]

He didnt come to her checkup. I am a little angry and a little relieved. Atleast he is giving a good case for sole legal custody. I am tempted to be the bigger person and email him about how it went, but I figure months of no contact shouldn't be ruined. He can go get the damn records if he wants to know.

[ambivalentmom]

They could also be coming out of the woodwork because they are realizing that they are being manipulated by you ex too?  How well do you know you ex's dad (firsthand, not stories from ex)?  This could be a good oppourtunity for them to see what's really going on.  I wouldn't want baby's grandpa in my house, but I would want him in her life if he is a positive influence.  You can let ex's sister know at the party that you are just uncomfortable about the whole situation and setup a time that grandpa can spend time with your daughter (Playground or something public).  Your ex should be the one sharing his time with his dad/sisters and not you, but could you imagine everyone in his family spending time with her and he doesn't?  How would that look for him!  Maybe they even testifying on your behalf because they are normal.  That is the nonBPD dream... .sigh... .I guess the only other thing is to just be guarded and careful that his family can always be on a mission to make you look bad for court, trying to appease their brother/son.

I hope I'm not out of line, but I really want to say this out loud:  He shows up to your work so he can ignore you, what a loser.  

There's got to be some way to "accidently" slip in about his coffee visits in front of the judge to highlight his character.

I can just imagine the mediator or judge staring dumbfounded at your ex, while ex tries to explain why he needs coffee from where you work and how he's bothered by you trying to communicate his daughter's visitation when he buys coffee.