People are telling me things I just don't understand

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

I keep hearing one consistent theme from friends and family and it is our son's mother really doesn't want to be a mother and she's only in this to control me or maybe to live off his child support.

If I were an expert at viewing all the facts and processing them I wouldn't have been in that relationship for 4 hours let alone 4 years.

I cannot understand why mom would think this way or if she really don't care about our son. I would like nothing more than for her to stay out of both of our lives.

That's just what I want, not sure it's the best scenario for others.

She says she loves our son, she also said she loved me, her actions are what count. So far I see little evidence she loves him and it seems to be a demonstration type love to prove to me, like she's trying to convince me instead of our son. Very strange.

Any comments?

I may have brought this up before. I don't think our sons mother can love.

[Turkish]

Maybe to her love equals need.  My ex was desperate to have a kid with two pervious boyfriends, and then it took with me. I think that she thought a child would soothe her pain, much like my mom probably thought by adopting me. Have you read any of the articles at the top of the Coping and Healing board about how BPD parents may affect their children?

Aside from trying to understand how your son may be affected by a parent with borderline traits,  focus on your son and how he feels.  How much harder will it be for a child to process BPD behaviors?  My kids see their mom from their point-of-view,  and I see her from mine, which (frankly) often anger and frustrates me,  even if she's on the "lite" side of many of the BPD parents here.  She is who she is,  and I am who I am.  Radical acceptance. 

[Lilyroze]

  Jerry,

I think sometimes when friends or family tells us things that we can't come to accept yet, we can only hear what we are able to process or hear at the time. That is OK.

I do think though with you healing, being the responsible one, doing the necessary steps in counseling, reading here to understand, you might need to delve a little more. The next step might possibly be to have a back up plan.

In your case she has called you and asked you to take him so many extra times. Which I know never bothers you as you love your son, hey any extra time or influence you can give him is fantastic.

Unfortunately given her track record at times for keeping her word, the drama, new relationships that don't work and wanting to live in a fantasy land, make for a not good combination for co parenting at times. When it is no longer fun, or getting her attention as he grows, well anything is possible.

So do what you can to insure if for some reason she no longer can or wants to fulfill her duty you have a back up plan for help for you.

You stated before the trouble with daycare. If for some reason she doesn't want to care for him anymore, do you qualify for any programs as single parent to help with daycare or other things he will need? Do you have anyone that supports you that can help babysit or help with his care or a good "Mom" influence?

Just thoughts for you, not to stress you but if you fail to plan you plan to fail. Which I know you won't for you and your son. So keep in mind she is not responsible, you can't make her ( which you know), but you don't want to pick up pieces with no plan in place.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Turkish, Lilyroze

I do have a backup plan, took me a long time to establish the fact in my mind that she was not nor will be responsible for the constant and stable parenting our son needs, I relinquished so much of my control to her I stopped making decisions for myself and our son.

And yes she equates love to need, very immature thinking but that's her illness. After speaking with many of family and friends they explain she wanted the attention of being pregnant and not really willing or prepared to be a parent. She speaks of all she knows about parenting but as we all know it's action that counts, not mere words.

Our son is happy with me, we are getting into a consistent daily routine with very little stress.

I'm so so thankful for all of you and your support and for this site. I would not be where I am in my recovery without each and every one of you.

Have a wondeful day! 

[Lilyroze]

   Jerry,

I admire how far you have come from all she has done to try to destroy your relationship, friendship,  you, and co parenting. Your son is so lucky to have you and your support network. He will really be blessed.

Yes I have heard that from quite a few that many love the attention with pregnancy but not once they have to deal with life and the child. So sad really.

I am so glad you are stable as it seems she is bound and determined child and all to crash and burn, no matter how much help you have offered.

Keep going forward! Your posts have helped me and I appreciate the updates.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Lilyroze

I really appreciate your concern and positive feedback, it really makes me stop and think, yeah I am doing well.

I took pictures of our son this morning just before taking him to daycare, he fussed a bit and gave me the biggest pouty faces I've ever seen. Then that last one he just looked up at me with a tiny smile. It was perfection!

I wanted to shout to the world, "This is what it's all about!"

He's so wonderful and beautiful and amazing.

His mother is really missing out not only on him but also with me, too bad, I offered her my world but she was too coward to stand beside me and walk hand in hand into a bright and healthy future. I cannot save her, I gave her 9999 chances and I saved the last chance for our son and myself. It's over.

Thanks again