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Author Topic: HOW did you cope in the days or months leading up to filing for divorce?  (Read 364 times)
michel71
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 535


« on: July 25, 2016, 09:38:18 PM »

Hi all!
In my recent posts you will see a theme. I am scared. That is my overwhelming emotion. Yes I am sad. Sometimes I am even mad. Mad at uBPDspouse and MAD at myself for sticking around for all the BS.
A few things are happening in our family so I cannot file the paperwork now. I will be able to at the end of August. uBPDspouse has no idea this is going to happen.
My stomach is in knots. I barely can eat. Sleeping is fitful and waking up to the terrible reality of what lies ahead makes me sick and I almost get a panic attack upon waking.
I guess I may be suffering from PTSD.
Concentrating at work is really hard. I am making a good show of it for now.
A few of my friends are in on my plan and are very supportive.
I have not found a good lawyer yet but hope to. That is stressful in itself interviewing attorneys that might not be skilled in high conflict situations.
I used to love to cook. I can barely boil water. Everything is an effort.
I need to work out but just can't bring myself to it.
I am on meds for anxiety and depression already so I can only imagine how bad it might be without them!
But I am scared.
Scared of feeling the pain.
Scared of conflict or more rages by BPD/NP spouse.
SCARED of what I will be put through. I want to do the "right thing" by my spouse; not take advantage. NO game playing just straight forward stuff but they don't play well with others do they?
Just scared.
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love4meNOTu
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 529


« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2016, 11:45:10 AM »

Hi Michel -

It's a scary time, I suppose people deal with fear in their own ways but here's what I did.

I went to therapy weekly, on my own - after marriage counseling failed.

I asked my work for time off (I initially took just a few days - I needed to get my ducks in a row).

I called two lawyers, and selected one, made an appointment to see the lawyer and went to that appointment.

I borrowed the lawyer fees from my parents. I explained to my parents what was happening, so I had their support.

I called my brother and asked him if he could come stay with me and my boys if necessary.

I called the sheriff when he was deregulating so badly that I was afraid of physical harm and more - let's face it... emotional harm.

I communicated with him only through emails, at home I would leave them room if he entered it, as if I engaged in any way I would bear the brunt of his anger for hours.

I slept on the couch.

I realized that I was not dealing with a person who had any coping skills whatsoever.

I contacted my friends and let them know that he may be contacting them spewing filth. (He did actually do this, but by email).

I prepared myself for the worst.

When the day of divorce came, it was over very quickly. I paid for everything, but worth every penny.

If you are truly done, the only way forward is through.

L



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In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus
Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2016, 12:31:58 PM »

Hi Michel71,

I am divorced too (though did not have a BPD spouse... .but did have an alcoholic spouse )

I did things very similar to love4meNOTu I worked on my plan.

I started doing small repairs and painting (getting my townhouse ready to put on the market)

I checked with the bank about the procedure to get separate bank accounts

I hid some sentimental items of mine at work

I talked with my friends and family... .got emotional and financial support in place

Looked into buying a used car

Looked into apartments in my neighborhood that would keep my son in his school

copied documents I thought I might need

I took long walks (also good for stress, time to think, good for the figure... .), started loving the grocery store, the library (started reading a lot took my mind somewhere else - movies are good too)... .anything that my ex was not interested in that would get me out of the house. (I was lucky he worked nights and I worked days so it was really only the weekends that I had to dodge him)

I had an uncontested divorce and did my own paperwork so did not have to do the lawyer search but it sounds like you are doing the right thing by interviewing several looking for the best choice.  If you're uncomfortable with that process you might want to post here and see what other members have done (what questions they asked or how they were directed to the attorney they eventually hired)

Hang in there you can get through this.  I knew I wanted to leave in January of 2009 but kept it under my hat for 3 months.  I know it's hard but you need to do what is best for you and if holding off is what you need to do then just keep focused on the reasons you are doing what your doing.

Just keep your eye on the prize so to speak and focus on what is best for you.  Touch base with your support folks particularly those who have been through a divorce they will understand.  I had a lot of divorced friends and acquaintances offer support and to listen if I wanted to talk.  It was like I joined a new club that I wasn't sure I wanted to be in but it was nice to have the support.

Take Care,
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
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