Angry, irrational, selfish, needy and is pushing me to the brink

[Hana0000]

It's hard to know where to begin. Married for 18 years with 15 year old daughter. Husband has lost so many jobs. Behaves like a teenager. Needs unconditional love, attention and support 24/7. He is also very controlling and argumentative. He is bipolar but also has personality disorder - I believe BPD, though he doesn't threaten to hurt himself. He is highly dramatic, tells me how rejected and lonely he is ... .But has no concept that he has pushed me away. He will say things like "You really  don't want to know what I really think of you." The more insecure he is, the angrier he becomes and more he lashes out. He hasn't worked in a year. Our financial situation is terrible. He has had addiction issues in past. I think I need to give up but I can't be sure. He is so sick and has no other familial support. He does have a therapist but it doesn't seem to help him in any fundamental way. How do you know when enough is enough? How can you walk away from someone so unstable?

[mommadoo2014]

Your life sounds like mine. Not to be Debbie Downer, but I honestly have to say that you either have to walk away or plan on a life of mothering an adolescent in an adult's body. I took my husband back after he cheated- not because I WANTED him back, but because when he figured out his "soul mate" was crazier than an outhouse rat, he wouldn't move out of our home. Both our names are on the deed so I couldn't make him leave, and both our names are on the mortgage so I wouldn't leave and be on the hook when he defaulted. I have always had to be the responsible one, so it's a role I am familiar with - but this is really NOT how I envisioned my retirement. Are you able to deal with his behavior? Do you have a support network? I spend one day a week with my mother ( she's 90, but great to talk with) and that grounds me. Also, my kids are adults ( our daughter is 24 and my kids from my 1 st marriage are 29 and 32) so I have support from them. I would definitely recommend counseling for you - find a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD and can help you with strategies for dealing with your husband. Even if you divorce, because you have a child together, you will be dealing with him pretty much the rest of your life.

[Meili]

I hate that you're having to through all of that, it sounds like a completely daunting situation! Good for you for having the strength to survive it!

I think I need to give up but I can't be sure. He is so sick and has no other familial support. He does have a therapist but it doesn't seem to help him in any fundamental way. How do you know when enough is enough? How can you walk away from someone so unstable?

Only you will know when you're ready to give up. When it happens, you'll know.

What are you actually asking about the walking away part?

[Cloudy Days]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of this. My husband had a bad track record with jobs too to the point his therapist suggested he try to apply for disability. It took a couple years to be approved for it but he now receives disability and I don't have to worry about him quitting job after job. Having a doctor that supports your claim is the main thing that he needs to have, It was a rather stressful process considering people with BPD don't handle stress well, but he was eventually approved for it. My husband had about 15 years of proof that he couldn't keep a job for more than a year. 

As for deciding when it is time to give up on a relationship I can't tell you that much. I think at some point you just say enough is enough, something snaps I suppose you could say. I have never been able to bring myself to actually leave my husband, my best advice for you is to make sure you are getting therapy for yourself.

[formflier]

   

I am glad that you found us!  Sounds like you are dealing with a lot. 

Has he been diagnosed?  Is he in treatment?  Have you been able to find a therapist (we will type "T" on these boards for therapist) that can help you with coping skills?


Many of us showed up here... .just like you.  There is hope.  We can't predict exactly how much healthier the relationship can get, but we can guide you on the path to find out.

Looking forward to more posts from you and answers to the questions above.

You have found a safe place... .we can help.

FF

[Verbena]

I agree with Meili about just "knowing" when you're done.  My husband of 34 years is at this moment FINALLY packing to leave our home.  I bought him out or otherwise he would have never left. 

At least your husband has a therapist.  Mine refused to even consider talking to anyone because he can't be wrong or accountable for anything.  Has your husband made any progress at all in therapy?