dealing with a BPD breakup and major disillusionment

[boboon]

I'm new at this and kinda a technophobe. But I have been struggling to make sense of what has happened in my relationship. A brief history follows. Myself I am a recovering alcoholic. After 4 years of sobriety, my girlfriend from 42 years ago found me. I am 65. I had been living alone for 16 years, sorta gave up that part of my once busy romantic life. I was crazy about her back then. Met her in the late sixties. She was an emancipated child of 14. I was 19. I didn't at first know how old she was. She was experienced, living on the streets, crashing at "hippie pads" That kinda thing. Her mother had abandoned her at 3. Her father was terminally ill. He went so far as to "appoint" me her rescuer. We went out to get him lunch one day and came back to find him dead. She was able to get a legal guardian, so she didn't have to live with relatives that had consistently sexually abused her from the age of 3. The guardians moved to Calif., as did she and I followed. We had a tumultuous relationship fueled by sexual attraction. she went on to adventures on her own. Went to S America. Got pregnant. I met a woman and fathered 2 children and eventually forgot about her. (kinda)  When we reunited I found she had worked as a stripper for 10 years,and as a prostitute. By her own count she had "hundreds" of sexual partners before and after the prostitution. She claimed I might as well get paid for it. She spent a lot of time in lesbian relationships as well. When she told me all this, I was blown away. As her confidante and connection to the past, I suppose I thought myself the rescuer again. There is no denying my passionate desire and "love" for her. Even though tempered by age.  She came to visit me in Boston after our reconnection. Fireworks occurred, passion rekindled. She then went back to the FL Keys. Sold her stuff and moved with me to Boston. That began the most tumultuous year I can ever remember. In the course of 8 months she left 5 times. I know writing this how crazy it sounds. But I was and am completely hooked. It was always my fault she left. I twisted like a pretzel to accomodate her desires. Nothing worked. How can I be so stupid?

[livednlearned]

Hi boboon,

Welcome and hello  

You're in the right place. There are lots of people here who have experienced the same kind of tumultuous push/pull that you describe.

Her past is very sad, and I can see why it might land right in the bulls eye of your rescue tendencies. It's probably good to recognize that while you can help stabilize her life, you cannot cure her BPD. And stabilizing someone with BPD is counter-intuitive -- the more you appease, the less she will respect you, even if she sets you up to appease her, if that makes sense.

Many of us have had to learn some new communication kung fu that blends compassion and empathy with rock solid boundaries. That, and recognizing the roller coaster of emotional arousal and dysregulation that runs her life (including shame), and how to also take care of ourselves so that we don't become pulp in the relationship, which helps no one.

People with BPD tend to externalize their emotions, so let's try to help you learn to untwist your pretzel   The healthier you are, the more stable and grounded you are, the better for her so she can get grounded after a dysregulation.

Do you notice anything similar about the times she leaves?