BPD ex gets meaner as the break up gets more real...typical?

[Wood stock]

Hi all. I am wondering for those of you who have been no contact/ minimal contact, has your BPD ex gotten meaner and twisted the story even more so into being "your fault"?

Seriously, when my BPD/NPD was preparing to move out, he made it very clear that he "couldn't wait to get away from me."  On the day that the movers came, he was very pleasant (it was weird) and we sent texts wishing each other well.  (I gave up trying to get him to see how two jail sentences in three years' time and a closet alcohol addiction and Narcisstic/Borderline tendencies killed the relationship, so the farewell was pretty uneventful).

A few weeks later I texted him asking about some items that I believed he took from the garage... .and the insults and name calling and blaming and vile texts just spewed from his mouth. I decided the items from the garage weren't worth that abuse and blocked his number.

I am just trying to make sense of it: Should I assume that life out there on the other side away from me must not be so wonderful after all? (After all, he is a consultant who makes six figures and is living with his mommy serving the rest of his jail sentence on house arrest.) Is it likely that his life is a total s***show, and he needs someone to blame and the day I texted him gave him that perfect opportunity?

Have any of you experienced this heightened anger after the break up? Perhaps when I texted him about the missing item she was secretly hoping I had "come to my senses" and wanted him back--only to realize I didn't want or need him back at all? Is THAT what possibly triggered his outburst?

[SoMadSoSad]

Not sure if this will help you but in my case my ex's pain was usually in the form of anger.

[Wood stock]

Yes, that is true. And I kind of forgot that pain often  manifests itself in the form of anger for those with this disorder. Ties into the other thread about emotional immaturity. Thanks for the reminder.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am just trying to make sense of it: Should I assume that life out there on the other side away from me must not be so wonderful after all? Is it likely that his life is a total s***show, and he needs someone to blame and the day I texted him gave him that perfect opportunity?

BPD is a shame-based disorder and the relationship ended, so if he was to take any responsibility for that he would feel debilitating shame, and that is unacceptable, so he uses the tools available to him, one of which is projection, offload all his self loathing onto you so he doesn't have to feel it, and distort reality enough that he actually believes it.  And the worse life is going for him now, the more need to do that.  And it's the same place the devaluation stage of a relationship with a borderline comes from.  And "inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger" is a trait of the disorder, a response to the tools just not working at that moment, and he could be ecstatic the next moment, the unstable nature of the disorder, you might have noticed at some point?

[StayStrongNow]

You put it so well fromheeltoheal. I would say that as you depict why a BPD gets meaner I would agree is why my stbxBPDw is mean also, but something is different.

She has a replacement alegedly lined up to be her next husband and seems to be all she talks about in front of my children. So I would imagine since I am so out of her picture and that she being so "happy" with the new replacement, she would not get meaner but in fact both her and her mother have gotten meaner than ever.

I was and remain the trigger to her rage but why would her anger and hostility increase so much even now when she has a brand new replacement?

Well, maybe it's the MSA or the custody agreements aren't going so well in her favor. Perhaps her arrests and convictions piling up is causing this increase in meaness, as we all know BPDs blame everyone else but themselves.

[steelwork]

I was and remain the trigger to her rage but why would her anger and hostility increase so much even now when she has a brand new replacement?

Same thing happened to me. I was baffled in the beginning by this. He was in a new relationship, said he was happy, that he loved her. He was still talking about how he wanted to be friends with me. And yet he had a hair trigger with me. Why? Because shame.

[myself]

Is it likely that his life is a total s***show, and he needs someone to blame

Yes, when my ex would 'lose control of herself', the pattern was she'd act out in even more destructive ways instead of taking time to calm down, seek therapy, apologize... .Always with the "You/whoever made me do it."

[misaelb]

At least they get more cold, maybe in a way to protect themselves?

My exgf, was not really cruel in her words because her actions were already cruel, and as the break up got more real, her change in personality was everytime more big.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was and remain the trigger to her rage but why would her anger and hostility increase so much even now when she has a brand new replacement?

Because borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, although a borderline can't articulate it like that, it's just a feeling, and then add that she then blames herself and the feelings of shame that induces are intolerable, so you have to be the scumbag, somewhere to put all that emotional energy.  And if you get angry or defensive in response, you're still emotionally attached in her head, which feels good, so she won't stop.

And consider that the new relationship is in the idealization phase, and as soon as that plays out and follows the cycle, which it always does for borderlines, he gets to be the number one scumbag, and you will have found a way to detach emotionally so she no longer affects you, and a prediction is she will then complain about this new guy to you, if you're willing to listen.

[StayStrongNow]

a prediction is she will then complain about this new guy to you, if you're willing to listen.

fromheeltoheal you have become my mentor, hope you don't mind me calling you that. This explains the recent texts I have been getting that she really wants a response from me. These have been mostly nasty and also one she wanted me to rescue her in getting medical insurance coverage for an "emergency" medical condition. Legally she has been off my coverage for a year. I responded what my only legal obligation was to inform my insurance company to release her info to her insurance company. She never got coverage and claimed I was suppose to get her some. But she was pretty demanding flinging out bogus legalities to get me to respond.

In the past I have responded in anger or I have defended myself to her texts and now that you have informed me of her real intentions, I see you are absolutely correct. I will not respond anymore.

I believe your prediction is right on and by the time that happens she will know I do not intend to listen to her. Actually me not willing to listen to her starts now!

One last note, I had a reaction to your choice of word describing me as a "scumbag", I could not agree more, this is so true and accurate that I am a scumbag to her, I just found it so funny that I just had to laugh out loud. I needed a good laugh for a change.

Thanks again fromheeltoheal.

[fromheeltoheal]

In the past I have responded in anger or I have defended myself to her texts and now that you have informed me of her real intentions, I see you are absolutely correct. I will not respond anymore.

Or if you do, act bored, uninterested, gotta go, busy, and she'll feel abandoned and probably come at you trying to get a reaction, act bored some more, and eventually she'll give up.

One last note, I had a reaction to your choice of word describing me as a "scumbag", I could not agree more, this is so true and accurate that I am a scumbag to her, I just found it so funny that I just had to laugh out loud. I needed a good laugh for a change.

   I'm glad you got a laugh out of it, don't know about you but I've been called worse by a borderline, might as well take the energy out of the silliness yes?

[NewTring]

Yeh, my uBPD ex got meaner as if she wanted to take revenge on me.   "blinded" and guided by her emotions rather than facts, she blamed me.  She was so emotional it made me believe it was my fault until I learned more about BPD.  she felt more powerful as I gave in more.  It became more of a game who had the control.