uBPDw hanging on

[Dobzhansky]

Odd situation... . 

uBPDw gone suddenly 2 yrs ago.  Left me w house, minor daughters, and moved to another state.  We communicate but not "deeply" (I understand she likely finds emotional topics such as relationships overwhelming).  She reports suffering from difficult depression and readily admits she is the architect of her current situation.

She resists all offers of help.  I struggle in keeping out of my codependent role I have occupied for 30 yrs.  Daughters beginning to feel confident in themselves and in ability to establish and maintain boundaries. 

Last child turns 18 Spring 2017 - going to college and uBPDw support (that would be mandated by court) can cease.  Selling house Spring 2017.

We are NOT divorced.  I am deeply Catholic and trying to abide by precepts of the faith.  Faith-based marriage can remain while civil marriage can be dissolved.

QUESTION:  Is it possible (in opinion) to file dissolution papers successfully and remain on friendly speaking terms w uBPDw?  She "says" she would like to preserve our relationship, but has put forth absolutely zero effort.  I am not holding my breath.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dobzhansky, To respond to your question: No, in my view it's impossible to file divorce papers and remain on good terms with your uBPDw, due to the likelihood that you will be painted black as soon as your Ex is served w/papers.  Just my gut feeling and others may have had different experiences.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

  She "says" she would like to preserve our relationship, but has put forth absolutely zero effort.  I am not holding my breath.

Don't hold it.  A relationship takes effort by both parties.

The effort your wife put out was to escape the relationship.  I'm glad you are able to move forward.

Do you want to sell the house?  Where will you go?

FF

[Dobzhansky]

My youngest daughter graduates Spring 2017.  Since she'll be 18 and graduated doesn't that end my uBPDw's responsibility according to the courts?

Wouldn't I be required to sell the house as part of the division of marital assets?

Do you know of a banking "thing" that can be done to liberate uBPDw's equity?  How would I even calculate this?

I'm in over my head and wouldn't know what or whom to ask.  Can you direct me?

[formflier]

 
Verbena just bought out her hubby.

more later.

FF

[Verbena]

I am divorcing my husband of 34 years and staying in the house. I offered him an amount, he accepted it, and I borrowed the money to buy him out.

Our house was paid for other than a very small amount remaining on a home improvement loan. His name is still on the deed (bc we are still married), but once the divorce is final the house will be put in my name only. My attorney drew up an agreement spelling this all out. He signed it--after lots of mind games and delays.

I couldn't possibly live anywhere else as nice as this house for the payment I will now have. This was the best option for me. Now to just get him out of here... .He has until Monday and is taking his sweet time.

[Lilyroze]

  Dobzhansky,

Sorry you are going through all that. It must be a proud moment though to see your daughters grow into beautiful women while having healthy boundaries and loving support from you.

Kudos to you for a job well done Dad!

I know the legal section of the board can help perhaps. You can do mediation as well, but with high conflict BPD usually is hard as they change their mind, emotions, and promises.

Each state has their own rules on how to divide marital property. Many in regards to house have the parent that stays there to raise the kids keeps, even if buying out equity as you mentioned.

I know your daughter will be grown so depending on if you want to move, or stay you can have an appraisal, and see how you are going to divide things. If she even wants house or equity, she might want other assets if you have etc. If so then you take appraisal define her half by mediation or court and you can "buy" her out as V mentioned.

Good luck to you.