uBPDw hanging on...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Odd situation... . 

uBPDw gone suddenly 2 yrs ago.  Left me w house, minor daughters, and moved to another state.  We communicate but not "deeply" (I understand she likely finds emotional topics such as relationships overwhelming).  She reports suffering from difficult depression and readily admits she is the architect of her current situation.

She resists all offers of help.  I struggle in keeping out of my codependent role I have occupied for 30 yrs.  Daughters beginning to feel confident in themselves and in ability to establish and maintain boundaries. 

Last child turns 18 Spring 2017 - going to college and uBPDw support (that would be mandated by court) can cease.  Selling house Spring 2017.

We are NOT divorced.  I am deeply Catholic and trying to abide by precepts of the faith.  Faith-based marriage can remain while civil marriage can be dissolved.

QUESTION:  Is it possible (in opinion) to file dissolution papers successfully and remain on friendly speaking terms w uBPDw?  She "says" she would like to preserve our relationship, but has put forth absolutely zero effort.  I am not holding my breath.

[Dobzhansky]

Odd situation... . 

uBPDw gone suddenly 2 yrs ago.  Left me w house, minor daughters, and moved to another state.  We communicate but not "deeply" (I understand she likely finds emotional topics such as relationships overwhelming).  She reports suffering from difficult depression and readily admits she is the architect of her current situation.

She resists all offers of help.  I struggle in keeping out of my codependent role I have occupied for 30 yrs.  Daughters beginning to feel confident in themselves and in ability to establish and maintain boundaries. 

Last child turns 18 Spring 2017 - going to college and uBPDw support (that would be mandated by court) can cease.  Selling house Spring 2017.

We are NOT divorced.  I am deeply Catholic and trying to abide by precepts of the faith.  Faith-based marriage can remain while civil marriage can be dissolved.

QUESTION:  Is it possible (in opinion) to file dissolution papers successfully and remain on friendly speaking terms w uBPDw?  She "says" she would like to preserve our relationship, but has put forth absolutely zero effort.  I am not holding my breath.

[ForeverDad]

The most positive general response I can come up with is, Don't count on it.  Obviously you'll have some contact in the years to come if she comes to graduations, weddings, births and such.  But don't feel obligated that you have to invite her for everything, every time.  Maybe sometimes you should reach out, or better yet, let your children reach out in appropriate instances but you probably should keep it at a level she's comfortable with, or better said, less uncomfortable with.  They can encourage her to be more involved but they shouldn't 'push' unrealistic expectations.

I wouldn't be writing this way if you had written as many others have, that their spouse was acting out (rather than acting in) with aggressive, invalidating and high conflict behaviors.  If it were that then I would instead encourage you to establish good boundaries and keep contact down to the bare minimum required.

It's sad that she evidently has difficulty being an involved mother.  But it is what it is.  As long as she doesn't become demanding or violating good boundaries, you and the children can find a level of contact that works even if it's not optimal.

Have the children had access to counseling?  It may help them deal with the family dysfunction they experienced in the past and the dysfunction from a distance in the years ahead.  They've virtually 'lost' a mother and that must hurt even if they don't seem to show hurt.

[Dobzhansky]

I see what you mean.  She _can_become very demanding, very fast.  We visited her location but chose to stay in hotel.  I was taken aside by many of her family who assured me I would always be a member of her family (my in-laws).  It may seem odd, but I can remember when I first met all of them 30 yrs ago.  We have all kown one another for a long time.

I wouldn't be writing this way if you had written as many others have, that their spouse was acting out (rather than acting in) with aggressive, invalidating and high conflict behaviors.

I think we have benefited from the distance in this.  The girls do not initiate contact. The youngest has done on occasion but immediately regrets it.  Now we discuss and plan interactions w her mom (what will you say if she says ____.  Try to get her to answer your question, but be ready to be frustrated, etc)  Lots of emphasis on how their mom is not their responsibility.  She is an adult!

We were all in pretty rough shape at first.  The good Lord intervened and now we are (all three of us) in therapy with a great guy we see every other week.  He has mentioned he sees a great improvement over the last two years of our visits.  My relationship with my daughters has _never_been better.  Literally.