WHY does she look so happy? Trying to hold onto NC

[Confused99]

Hey all.  Been 6 weeks NC.  :)oing ok but still trying to get over it.   She's been posting a lot of pictures lately of her and her friends at her boyfriends place. I guess he's super rich albeit 30 years older than her. I guess she takes her friends up there to use his money. She posts pictures of them All drinking and have a lot of fun but she never puts the guy in the picture.  :)o you think this is because he's 30 years old her or is it some kind of game? I just hate the fact that she looks so happy I want her to be the normal crazy girl I know.  Who would jump out of a moving car  or call the cops on me every five minutes.  Has anyone else struggled not looking at their exes social media?   Ugh

[Mutt]

I confused99,

I'm sorry that it's difficult for you right now. Can you deactivate your accounts for the time being to help with recovery? You can always re)activate them when things are more stabilized for you. Do you have family members or friends that use social media as a channel for communication? Do you use it as the main way to get in touch people?

She's embarrassed of him if she's not sharing pictures with him. It makes me think how long is she going to do that for if they're in a committed r/s?

[Xstang77]

As mentioned checking her profile is unhealthy for you,I know how difficult it is but I think what did it for me is finally reaching that stage,it's been 7 days today since I've looked and saw her all lovey and in a relationship with another replacement,now that I've seen that it's just enough for me anything here on out is just me trying to further my pain like that was the final straw,though I sometimes think our mutual friends share things on purpose directed towards me,either way what can ya do,I agree she's probably embarrassed but you say yours called the cops on you like mine did this last time,just remember Ill or not no girl like that is worth your freedom my friend.

[Turkish]

C99,

If a friend told you this story would you judge what she is doing as "normal" (healthy) behavior?

[Lilyroze]

Dear Confused,

Because she can't take the pictures of when she is drunk, falling out of his car, escaping his or their friends cars like she did with you because the camera broke. He bought a new camera ... .again but truly is getting tired of his money for just booze, new cameras and some of her " fun" times.

His friends wonder why his "daughter" is always around now or wondering why they never met his "daughter" before.

 Age differences are fine and beautiful it is the person and the soul. But sounds with her immaturity and lack of respect for him with all he is doing older or not, she is using him. He using her and quite frankly are you sure it is a boyfriend/ girlfriend? She might want to be the new wife, but well he might be having an "expensive' fling.

Sorry am in a mood, so bite of reality right now. Throw out if not helpful. But she sounds like she has maybe some issues, and truly going NC, no looking you might get off the merry go around enough to see the chaos, her using, and well she will do the same to him.

Why? They were her problems to begin with not yours, nor you made her do them.

Hugs, heal, see why you accepted this. Then find someone who is together who will appreciate you. You can appreciate without the drama and chaos.

[married21years]

probably an act to convince herself rather than everyone else

hang in there, and move on to pastures new 

[enlighten me]

At the moment she probably is happy. I know thats hard to hear as it doesnt make you feel any better. What you have to bear in mind though is that it is not real happiness. Its the same as a kid in a toy shop or candy shop. It doesnt matter who takes them there as they have a whale of a time. They might even be embarresed by the person taking them there like when we where kids having our mums take us. The new bf is just a facilitator. He is someone to treat her and spoil her. Doesnt mean she loves them or sees it going anywhere.

I had this with my ex wife. Her new husband is reletavely rich but she is miserable and often tells her mum she doesnt like him.

[UnforgivenII]

I think that if she goes to great length to show how happy she is, she is NOT happy at all. She is sadistic and mentally cruel.
That's it

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I've seen a couple of responses that make me think you are getting some excellent advice.  Keep in mind I can create any persona and reality I want to project online, that is what she's doing.  Prior to my most recent break with my exBPDgf I would use the "check in" feature on facebook to show my exBPDgf what she was missing out on.  After a couple of weeks she'd come back and mention having seen some of these posts.  It made me look more attractive and filled her with the fear of missing out.  Now I don't post anything, I'm doing even more fun things, concerts, road trips, and what not... .  She hasn't seen any of it and it tells me exactly what she was all about.  Likely your ex wants you and anyone else to think she's fine.  If she's partying all the time do you really think she's ok or just repressing her issues? 

[Confused99]

Thx everyone all good replies.  Yes I need to stop looking at her stuff.  It's just so accessible and hard to stop. Weird is I do feel I'm over her.  Just don't want to see her happy.  :)oes anyone else feel that way?  6 years of anguish, name calling, tantrums, lying, cheating, etc.  I want her to suffer.  Childish yes.  But seeing her happy and getting what she wants makes me upset.   She would always tell me she could get a richer guy to spoil her. That I didn't make enough.  Well he is rich.  Ugly AF and 30 years older but rich.  I showed some gf's his picture they almost vomitted

[Ceruleanblue]

I agree with what the others have stated. She may or may not be happy, but it's not real happiness. You know she didn't suddenly become a totally different person. Some of those traits she had with you, if not all, plus some new ones, will eventually come out with this new guy. You should feel sorry for him, because he's going to pay way more than just financially, unless he just has a heart of steel.

And I don't think you are childish to wish her not to be happy. I mean, she put you through hell, so it's human nature to feel that way. People with BPD(and I'm sure other PDs) seem to have the ability to move on so fast, and not show any hurt. It's like "my puppy died, look at my new puppy". We would feel a little better if we felt they were suffering too, but I really just don't think a lot of them are capable of that. Some are, I'm sure, but I think BPDh is one that just blocks most of his emotions other than anger. He left last time, and within a couple weeks was sleeping with some skanky girl he looked up. I mean, couldn't he even find anyone with any class? The timing would still be gross, but who she was just made it so much worse.

We just can't expect them to act like normal people, because they are not in any way what we think of as normal. They are damaged, and acting out of that place.

Hang in there. 

[Puzzledpieces]

Thx everyone all good replies.  Yes I need to stop looking at her stuff.  It's just so accessible and hard to stop.

This is my problem as well, I am still viewing social media daily and it's a terrible addiction. I have gone a week or so without doing it and it's done wonders in my recovery. I should've kept it up because it really keeps you at a stand still from moving forward.
I'm sure she's aware that you're still checking hers, hence the over load of pictures. She wants you to see she's moved on and happy, she wants YOU to be upset by this.  But I'm sure deep down she's doing it just to get a rise out of you.
My advice (and I should be doing this again also ) is to push yourself to stop checking social media. It's not easy but you'll feel so much better. Hugs to you!

[Rayban]

I too have struggled with social media in the past,  and it's just the worse thing to do in terms of recovering.

Social media for a BPD with narcissistic traits is a preffered tool to attract the unsuspecting and keeping exes addicted to them. She must get a rush knowing that exes are seeing her happy and enjoying herself. It's an attention magnet.   


I doubt she feels anything for this guy. She probably boasts to her friends on how she is using  him. I would guess that she is also seeing other people at the same time.

I doubt she is truly happy.  She is acting like a high schooler cause that's what keeps her past hidden and forgotten. Being enabled she will continue doing this till age finally catches up.

[Xstang77]

Yea,continuing to check on her fb with her replacement just kinda makes you a masochist almost after a while, the problem is the new guy and all their friends keep enabling them though the ones that do aren't much better then the BPD,I agree once their looks run out and they hit "the wall" I hope mine has her past catch up to her and then maybe she'll realize,who knows.

[Puzzledpieces]

Social media for a BPD with narcissistic traits is a preffered tool to attract the unsuspecting and keeping exes addicted to them. She must get a rush knowing that exes are seeing her happy and enjoying herself.

I couldn't agree more! Mine has N traits big time as well. I'm also pretty sure he has multiple dating profiles on one site without pics that he contacts me with. I get that feeling from the info provided and the style of his writing. At the same time though I am wondering if I'm just being crazy. Not sure how common something like that would be behavior wise but it's weird. 

[Rayban]

Social media for a BPD with narcissistic traits is a preffered tool to attract the unsuspecting and keeping exes addicted to them. She must get a rush knowing that exes are seeing her happy and enjoying herself.

I couldn't agree more! Mine has N traits big time as well. I'm also pretty sure he has multiple dating profiles on one site without pics that he contacts me with. I get that feeling from the info provided and the style of his writing. At the same time though I am wondering if I'm just being crazy. Not sure how common something like that would be behavior wise but it's weird. 

Mine was addicted to attention.  Never missed an opportunity to get some, good or bad it didn't matter.  Every interaction with another person was designed to get a reaction.  A response was validation that she existed.  Being able to generate a response was narcissistic supply  .

Knowing all that, it would not surprised me that your ex is using multiple profiles.

[Puzzledpieces]

Mine was addicted to attention.  Never missed an opportunity to get some, good or bad it didn't matter.  Every interaction with another person was designed to get a reaction.  A response was validation that she existed.  Being able to generate a response was narcissistic supply  .

Knowing all that, it would not surprised me that your ex is using multiple profiles.

That all makes sense.  I always assumed my BPD was also a covert N, with his ST and control BS. he was always extremely quiet and "nerd like" if you will, he has 0 friends which always interested me in why, keeps to himself and plays video games like a teenager in spare time, we didn't really have a whole lot in common honestly, it was probably his aloofness that has always kept me on my toes. I stated in a previous post that he was bullied back in high school, and I often  wonder if how he treats people today,stems from how he was treated as a kid. Thoughts on that?
The profile thing creeps me out, but I've done enough refreshing on the search page to see that they all log on one after the other. I've even interacted with a few of these profiles and just get an eery feeling thinking I know whose behind them. Something I'll never know the truth about.  

[Confused99]

Right there with the profiles.  She threw her friends away calling them trash and losers.  Now she is back best friends with them.  It's almost comical. She still logs into dating sites but is in a serious relationship?   Every time me fought her profile was back up in minutes.  Was like a game.  And has to be rich, older men.  I think she has a serious daddy complex.    I just need to stop looking it's just so hard

[Puzzledpieces]

Right there with the profiles.  She threw her friends away calling them trash and losers.  Now she is back best friends with them.  It's almost comical. She still logs into dating sites but is in a serious relationship?   Every time me fought her profile was back up in minutes.  Was like a game.  And has to be rich, older men.  I think she has a serious daddy complex.    I just need to stop looking it's just so hard

It's totally a game hey! It's the constant need for attention. They want it, until you get too close and then they push you away. They're constantly seeking validation from anyone. I don't even think my ex is on their to MEET people, just get the attention, and if he does meet them it's typical casual hook up type stuff. I use to have a female friend with BPD who use to go thru friendships like crazy, probably still does. She constantly thought it was every friend of hers that has the issues, never herself.  I know of 2 friends she made after we stopped talking that ended in the same way ours did.

[Xstang77]

My ex would come over while we were fwb and talk all kinds of trash about her friends to me,then literally the next night she posts pics of her and those "friends" together all close and those same friends side with her and report stuff about me back to her. Boy if they only knew how foolish they looked . Mine also told me she missed me this last time we were fwb and made a new pof account that same day and has had multiple fb accounts atleast 3 or 4, I think every time she left me she was looking for someone new and only came back because it didn't work out or didn't find anyone,this time however some poor sucker is in a relationship with her,she slept with me literally 4 days before taking pics and going to the beach with him! Lol poor guy oh well I think that's the only reason I haven't heard from her in so long and why she hasn't returned.

[Puzzledpieces]

My ex would come over while we were fwb and talk all kinds of trash about her friends to me,then literally the next night she posts pics of her and those "friends" together all close and those same friends side with her and report stuff about me back to her. Boy if they only knew how foolish they looked . Mine also told me she missed me this last time we were fwb and made a new pof account that same day and has had multiple fb accounts atleast 3 or 4, I think every time she left me she was looking for someone new and only came back because it didn't work out or didn't find anyone,this time however some poor sucker is in a relationship with her,she slept with me literally 4 days before taking pics and going to the beach with him! Lol poor guy oh well I think that's the only reason I haven't heard from her in so long and why she hasn't returned.

Was it your exes idea to be a fwb? I ask because that's really all mine wanted, yet never made it known that's what we were for the majority of the time we were together.  I thought we were in the beginning stages of a relationship, taking things slow... .boy was i dumb and blind. I should've picked up on that, knowing his history and his arrangements of fwb with most of the girls prior to me.
Your exes behavior is the perfect example of why us nons never get any closure.  Because they wanna keep one foot in door just in case whoever they're dealing with in the "now" doesn't work out. I read everything you wrote and nod my head to it all, such typical behavior. It's nice when we aren't so blind to it anymore:)

[Hopefulgirl]

My ex Bpd guy let me know he had replaced me via Facebook.
Then let me know he still wanted to be friends with me via fb.
Then got off fb when he got tired of the new girl mentioning him and tagging him on fb.
Now he's back on fb and seems happier than he's ever been. Like, "even without you Im just wonderful". Never mentions his girlfriend that he lives with most of time and goes on trips with. Sometimes I think he's doing that for my sake? But I know better than to think he's regarding my feelings at all. Maybe it's more like he doesn't want any of his women friends to know he's attached.
If I went on a trip with my boyfriend and he posted 30 pics of it without a mention of me I would be really angry!
Social media is so unpredicable in regards to BPD, seems like they really OVERSHARE or act paranoid private.
.

[Puzzledpieces]

Social media is so unpredicable in regards to BPD, seems like they really OVERSHARE or act paranoid private.

Totally! Mine had a fb but never added me to it claiming he never used it. He's activated one minute and deactivated the next, and I also believe it's to snoop my world, as it's the only place he really knows where to get updated info on me, if I share things publicly.
It's all about attention for them. If he can show up somewhere where we would notice them, then they're back in our head, and that's exactly what they want.

[Xstang77]

Yea it was my ex's idea to do fwb after she got kicked out of originally where she was, I'm glad you can relate,however she hasn't kept her foot in the door this time and I haven't seen her in a month or heard from her since the 6th kinda strange she usually never goes without contact,we'd usually atleast talk once in a while in between recycles.guess mine is gone unlike other recycling types that don't wanna cut attachments.

[Puzzledpieces]

Yea it was my ex's idea to do fwb after she got kicked out of originally where she was, I'm glad you can relate,however she hasn't kept her foot in the door this time and I haven't seen her in a month or heard from her since the 6th kinda strange she usually never goes without contact,we'd usually atleast talk once in a while in between recycles.guess mine is gone unlike other recycling types that don't wanna cut attachments.

I wonder if they prefer a fwb set up because of the fears they face. Mine always played it off as "seeing where we go" instead of being direct with me. Of course  
I don't think mines coming back either, it's been a good solid month since I've spoken to him and 3 months since we last hung out. I definitely thought at this date I would be doing much better than I am, but I have definitely experienced progress, so I won't knock myself down for that. For me, I think it's an obsession with a fantasy I created. None of it was an actual reality. That's a tough pill to swallow.  Mind you I do remember after every time we were intimate, I felt empty, used almost ... .it wasn't a good feeling at all.

[StayStrongNow]

Google: BPD mask. The Internet is sprayed with the term.

 “You could meet a patient with BPD in a social setting and not have an inkling that the patient had a major psychiatric disorder,” says psychiatrist Glen O. Gabbard of the Baylor College of Medicine.

www.stuarthayashi.blogspot.com/2011/12/wearing-mask-of-confidence-on-outside.html?m=1

[Xstang77]

Yea it was my ex's idea to do fwb after she got kicked out of originally where she was, I'm glad you can relate,however she hasn't kept her foot in the door this time and I haven't seen her in a month or heard from her since the 6th kinda strange she usually never goes without contact,we'd usually atleast talk once in a while in between recycles.guess mine is gone unlike other recycling types that don't wanna cut attachments.

I wonder if they prefer a fwb set up because of the fears they face. Mine always played it off as "seeing where we go" instead of being direct with me. Of course  
I don't think mines coming back either, it's been a good solid month since I've spoken to him and 3 months since we last hung out. I definitely thought at this date I would be doing much better than I am, but I have definitely experienced progress, so I won't knock myself down for that. For me, I think it's an obsession with a fantasy I created. None of it was an actual reality. That's a tough pill to swallow.  Mind you I do remember after every time we were intimate, I felt empty, used almost ... .it wasn't a good feeling at all.

of course it was her idea because if I would have wanted that it would never have happened ,it sucks saw a picture of her and our dog she got rid of still made me sad on spot,the after sex part I can totally relate if it ever even happened when we were together it would be like her doing me s favor but in times between our recycles she would be all about it.really messes with your head when your used to them coming back to recycle then they just don't anymore,I don't see her new rs lasting it's the second relacement in a month and if I was that guy and knew what I knew I certainly wouldn't want to be with her,maybe that's why I don't hear anymore to... because she knows I can ruin her on that aspect but otherwise I'm 8 days of no checking her fb so there's that as a positive .

[Puzzledpieces]

That's a huge positive! 8 days is a big deal! I have done that once which lasted a week tops and then I figured I'd be fine checking and just taking a peek, that peek became an obsession and I'm still randomly doing it. And each time I do I question myself why. It's so much easier when you rid every single little thing out, so it's not as tempting. I don't even know why I'm doing it, it's a dating profile for mine, so I'm just checking online status and regardless whether he's or not (always is though) it doesn't benefit me in any way so I'm not sure what I check it?
Sex for me always felt very emotionless on his end, like he was a stone or something, there was never any eye contact and he didn't seem "there with me" in that moment. It's a gross feeling to have walking away from that kind of experience but i did it often and honestly knew better and knew to walk away fairly early on in our "RS" but didn't do it.  I don't even know why I enjoyed the sex because everything I've written about the experience sounds awful, and it was. No connection whatsoever.  I remember it never started out in your typical "undress each other" manner. This guy would strip himself down SO FAST and would be lying there waiting, it was off putting for sure. He wasn't quick to get it all over with though, but still very much in his own world, eyes closed. Gives me goosebumps remembering it now. I felt like I may as well have been a prostitute, that's how he made me feel

[Xstang77]

Yea once I saw she's all happy and in a relationship and the pics of them it just seems self injuring to check anymore,my biggest fear came true what's the point of seeing more and her probably posting derogatory memes directed at me,it's clear she's moved on. Pertaining the sex part her thing was always how she hates sex so much etc, but would always make all these promises of it then when the time comes it always she's to tired or some magical illness has set in. One time I'll never forget after we had sex I remember her literally saying "that was awful" not to get personal but I've never had anything but positive comments after and I'm good at what I do , either way it really hurt my self esteem. Then usually afterwards we'd come sit on the couch,ignore eachother while on our phones and smoke cigarettes,man talk about an intimate connection . But yea I'm still just suprised to finally be dropped for good.

[Puzzledpieces]

Then usually afterwards we'd come sit on the couch,ignore eachother while on our phones and smoke cigarettes,man talk about an intimate connection .

This sounds just like us! Lol.
What an awful thing to say to someone though, that would hurt anyone's self esteem, but by remembering where it's coming from and who she is, try not to take it too personally. She probably only said it to cause you pain.  They live for that! 
 I had a hard time at first,deciphering if I was just being used by an a $$hole guy since there is plenty out there but then things just got too weird and I looked into it more. My ex BPD is also a covert N. I haven't ever experienced anything like this before. What a roller coaster! which headed into dangerous waters for me.

I guess we'll never know if they'll return. It's such an odd thing as well because while it sucks to think they never will, it's the best thing in this world for us if they stay away. I think it's more because we want them to remember us, to think of us the way we do them. We wanna mean something. I often wonder if mine stays away just because I do. They tend to do a lot of mirroring.  But at the same time I use to reach out often during his fade out, and it never pulled him back in.