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Author Topic: I'm overwhelmed, and don't know what to do, or where to go from here.  (Read 697 times)
ravenstar
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« on: July 26, 2016, 06:52:06 PM »

Where do I start?

Ok, I have this beautiful 17 year old daughter; bright, funny, insightful(mostly) outgoing, very intelligent... .and so so unstable. I've been going through this for years now. It was worse at 13 thru 15, suicide attempts, cutting, drugs, drinking... .staying out all night and cops, etc... you know the score. It settled down after, through a TON of battles, calling the cops, setting boundaries, hospitals, and finally 3 weeks at the juvenile psychiatry wing... .it got a little better, but the mental health team here dropped the ball and she didn't follow through with the DBT therapy and what not...

anyway, the heavy drugs (she still smokes pot - self-medicating I believe) stopped, she rarely drinks and then only a couple, cutting stopped... .she doesn't 'party' anymore, and she decided she wanted to live... .this is good I'm thinking. She found a nice boyfriend who... .amazingly, puts up with her, they've been together over 2 years now. He is very calm and seems to stabilize her a bit.

However... .improvements there are - it's still a clusterf*ck. She goes to school rarely and doesn't hand in her work... .just barely passes a few classes... .she has a part time job and seems to be doing okay there, I think. (?) She has few friends other than her boyfriend and his friends. She has NO outside interests, her days consist of sleeping, getting ready to go out, or to work... .and flipping out.  Usually on me, or near me.

This child/young woman is capable of rage that astonishes me... and sometimes frightens the hell out of me.

She is very immature. I am close to the end of my word limit so I will continue on the next page... .
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ravenstar
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« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2016, 07:00:45 PM »

continued... .

So, I am aware that there is little I can do to 'fix' her... .I've changed quite a bit in the past few years. I've learned not to react to her rollercoaster emotional states... .well, outwardly anyway. But now... .I'm worried for her, and finally, for myself. She has been worse lately... .I don't know why.

She is aware she is unstable... .she admitted it to me just the other day. I know she is in pain a lot of the time, but it's up to her to do the work. I can't do it for her and part of me thinks she may actually expect me to be able to.

I can't  and now I find myself at 50, going through menopause (ugh) with it's physical and emotional discomfort, dealing with my own issues with being ADD, and having a panic disorder... .and it's affecting my health.

I'm off work right now because I was having chest pains... .still do actually. Was tested for heart problems and other than elevated cholesterol they said my heart is fine... .lovely, no really, I'm happy about not having heart disease but the pain persists and I'm not feeling any better... .so I think it's anxiety and menopause, and my dear daughter and the incredible stress that goes with her illness.

I don't feel I can go back to work... .and I have this sense that something's gotta give, you know?

I'm overwhelmed, and don't know what to do, or where to go from here.
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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2016, 10:01:50 PM »

Welcome back Ravenstar! It looks like it's been 3yrs since you last posted. Sorry to hear about your health and job status.

Living with a BPD is certainly difficult and straining. You say you don't react emotionally to her outwardsly but i'm taking that things your daughter does still tear you up inside. I know what my BPD wife can do to me - I can only imagine what a daughter would do. Emotionally detaching would be very difficult.

How are you going with tools like Validation, boundaries etc?

Have you been able to get external support for your daughter?

Do you have support for yourself? (friends, hobbies)

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ravenstar
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« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2016, 05:45:19 PM »

Sorry I've not responded... .dd is going through a crisis (surprise!) first real break up with her boyfriend of almost 3 years.

Basically hell on earth.

Thank you for your validation, Arleigh. It's tough, especially with a child... .I'm pretty good setting boundaries with adults, but with her... .something I need to work on.

Yes, it's tearing me up inside... .and it's always ALL about her, and beneath my love and concern is a lot of anger. I'm angry and tired and distracted constantly. I'm worn down. She is almost 18 and I was hoping for a bit of a reprieve to do some things for me as for the last year or so I was seeing some improvement but we are right back to the days when she was 15 with this latest crisis. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel right now.

I've been setting up counselling/psychiatric support for myself(which seems to take forever, ugh) - but in my daily life, no, I don't have anyone... .not anyone who can comprehend what I'm living with, and the advice of well-meaning parents of neurotypical kids is not helpful. She doesn't respond like other kids, just rages and misunderstandings and abuse.

It's friggin' exhausting to have to think twice about every damn word and action.

I've started Yoga, which I love and is very helpful and I'm going to hold on to that for dear life, and painting, when I can get a few hours of peace... .even then I find that her excessive negativity permeates everything and it's hard to just BE, much less be creative.

I just realized that even though my mental health is not great right now, it's not me... .it's dealing with this that's got me off-balance. I deal with my own issues but I've worked on them to the point where they are manageable, except when I'm dealing with my daughter.

I really want to just up and leave some days, or kick her out - but I also want to help her and I fear for her safety, and her life. Some days (hours mostly) we are very close. The tension between these two positions is, very painful.

How does one detach from their only child? I need help to do this. I need to go over the tools again, I need to get some coaching/counselling from a professional, to set boundaries and how to speak so she can hear me and how to deal with my own conflicting emotions and get some of my own needs met. I keep thinking we have made progress and then it all falls apart. Maybe I'm too sensitive for this role.

ugh... .



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landslide
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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2016, 08:54:50 AM »

I just wanted to express my understanding that I am going through the same core struggled with my own 17 y/o daughter.  You have already done more for yourself than I have, and it was helpful to read the steps you've taken.  I don't think anyone can possibly comprehend the awfulness of watching your child self-destruct,with your love for them telling you to never let go and your self preservation telling you you will destroy yourself if you don't.  The balance is so unclear, and the pain is so visceral.  I hope you continue to find ways to care for yourself and I hope your daughter comes through the crisis in a way that allows her to get back on the right path.
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need a break
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« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2016, 10:00:27 AM »

Sorry I've not responded... .dd is going through a crisis (surprise!) first real break up with her boyfriend of almost 3 years.

Basically hell on earth.

Thank you for your validation, Arleigh. It's tough, especially with a child... .I'm pretty good setting boundaries with adults, but with her... .something I need to work on.

Yes, it's tearing me up inside... .and it's always ALL about her, and beneath my love and concern is a lot of anger. I'm angry and tired and distracted constantly. I'm worn down. She is almost 18 and I was hoping for a bit of a reprieve to do some things for me as for the last year or so I was seeing some improvement but we are right back to the days when she was 15 with this latest crisis. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel right now.

I've been setting up counselling/psychiatric support for myself(which seems to take forever, ugh) - but in my daily life, no, I don't have anyone... .not anyone who can comprehend what I'm living with, and the advice of well-meaning parents of neurotypical kids is not helpful. She doesn't respond like other kids, just rages and misunderstandings and abuse.

It's friggin' exhausting to have to think twice about every damn word and action.

I've started Yoga, which I love and is very helpful and I'm going to hold on to that for dear life, and painting, when I can get a few hours of peace... .even then I find that her excessive negativity permeates everything and it's hard to just BE, much less be creative.

I just realized that even though my mental health is not great right now, it's not me... .it's dealing with this that's got me off-balance. I deal with my own issues but I've worked on them to the point where they are manageable, except when I'm dealing with my daughter.

I really want to just up and leave some days, or kick her out - but I also want to help her and I fear for her safety, and her life. Some days (hours mostly) we are very close. The tension between these two positions is, very painful.

How does one detach from their only child? I need help to do this. I need to go over the tools again, I need to get some coaching/counseling from a professional, to set boundaries and how to speak so she can hear me and how to deal with my own conflicting emotions and get some of my own needs met. I keep thinking we have made progress and then it all falls apart. Maybe I'm too sensitive for this role.

ugh... .

I too am trying to detach from my only child. The madness has been going on for over 15 years. It just the last 6 months that I realized we as a family have done everything we can and there is nothing left for us to do. I used to ask when will I know when it is time to let go? A very wise person on this sight told me
"It is time to let go when you can no longer recognize your own child"  I could go into many stories of helping her get treatment. Bottom line is she is refusing any more help from me  - oh except money. Which I stopped giving her months ago. I can not enable any longer.
This is purgatory for most of us. I am in therapy, on meds myself. Most of us grieve off and on all the time. It is very very different when they are your only one.

I would suggest getting some therapy, your daughter is still very young so if you are going to be involved you have a long road ahead of you.

Feel free to contact me anytime for support


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ravenstar
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« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2016, 05:23:42 PM »

Thank you both for your replies.  Smiling (click to insert in post)   The support makes all the difference in the world - the isolation that having a mentally ill child creates is horrible.

I'm not yet at the giving up stage... .and as hard as it is to face I know I will have to accept that as a possibility. Damn that's painful!   Caregiving though... .is also painful.

I saw my psych nurse last week... .and we went over most of the things I was feeling... the anxiety and depression, etc... .did all the friggin' tests al over again (ADD, Anxiety, depression scale) but I realized yesterday that I really hadn't been honest with myself or her. My main issue is dealing with my daughter in a way that also honours my needs and self-care, and is the most effective I can be in supporting (not enabling) her.

I find it very hard to distinguish what is helpful, and what is harmful in dealing with her and I don't have the energy to walk on eggshells all the time much longer - somethings gotta give and I know with BPD, me losing my stuff is going to be destructive.

I think because she is my child that it complicates things... .  I'm going to ask for help with this - working on my own fears and setting healthy boundaries and goals. I hope that this opens the way for her to accept treatment and develop a better relationship - because more than anything I want her to be happy... .but I also hope it helps me learn to be happy/or even just content if she chooses otherwise.

I can't imagine feeling this way for the next 20 years or more, it's not a life... .it's bouncing from one crisis or mood swing to another with never a moment to breathe. The effect on my health, work, sanity, everything, has me almost paralyzed in my life... .I can not continue this way. I know this.    My immune system is so low from the constant stress and lack of sleep that I catch every damn cold and virus that comes near me then I'm too ill to do what I need to do to keep my life running. A vicious cycle.  But I'll keep doing at least one or two thing a day to work towards my goals.

It must be extremely hard to make the decision to step away... .and I know it breaks your heart. Many hugs!
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ravenstar
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« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2016, 06:55:21 AM »

How I wish I was as together as I can sound.

So, BPDd has lost abut 15lbs, I find out on top of the pot smoking she's popping xanax and now an appt. with the school counselor.

I knew she was losing it... .made an appt. tomorrow morning with gp to get a referral for yet another mental health assessment.

She accuses me of not caring, but if I try to speak with her it's just raging and verbal abuse. I withdraw, there's no point then to say anything.

I guess I have to bite the bullet and get tough... .I can see she's in pain but now it's just dangerous - her health is declining and she can't see what a mess she is, yet on the other hand she gives hints that she knows she is. (?) It's all very confusing and if anyone can keep others off-balance, it's her.

I'm afraid of losing her, but I'm more afraid she will self-destruct if I don't start fighting back. Do they have any idea of the turmoil they cause?

I can hear her right now, in her room, raging about something... .ugh. I'm so friggin' tired.

Caught another cold, probably because my immune system is so shot from stress, feeling a little better today though thank goodness.

Haven't been to yoga this weekend because of the cold, tonight I'm going with a friend... .taking her on my guest pass. I SO need it even if I can't breathe very well. 

I don't think they can get a good assessment until she gets off of the drugs, so what's next detox?  They can't force her... .here the kids have more rights than the parents. The only way would be to 'form' her and lock her up in the psych ward... .but she hasn't threatened suicide... .yet.



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mummydearest

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« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2016, 10:10:43 AM »

I feel your pain. I'm a single parent of an 18 year old girl with BPD as well as other issues. Some days are good, others not so much. Sometimes she functions like she's semi-adult, then she's back to being 12/13. I'm tired of fighting. When things are going good for a while it seems like pressure gets built up and then BOOM we are right back where we started. I know that I am enabling her, she doesn't have much responsibility at home because it is always such a fight. I can't do this forever, one day she will need to be on her own. That terrifies me, because I know she can't. I've been looking into case management services and RTC for her. I'd rather her go into something long term like assisted living. I feel like a horrible mother because I'm pushing her out of my home on one hand, feel physically pained at the thought of her not being there on another, and rational enough to know that she needs more then I can give her. I just want her safe and in a place where she can be as independent as she is able.

Just know that you aren't alone and you have people holding on for you in spirit. We can do this, we will get through it.
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Big M

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« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2016, 12:13:55 PM »

Wow, so much is so familiar here.  Maybe some things I said to my daughter BPDD (16) will help.  Her rages usually wind up in the same place, with her indicating she wishes she were dead, and blaming me and my wife for her being born, and for not knowing better than to have children since there was a family history of mental disorders.  It's certainly debatable that we "knew" there was a history of mental disorders on both sides when we decided to have children, since both our families pretty much wrote the book on denial.  Moreover, when you're in a situation, especially as a child, you're not in a good position to analyze it.  Every grown, but still immature, adult, thinks that their own problems are from the way that they were raised, and that with their newly acquired and superior parenting skills, their kids won't have those problems.  That, IMHO, is how nature tricks into reproducing, the naive belief that it's all nurture, and no "nature".     Anyway, here are my words to her, I hope it helps some parent to read it, it certainly helped me to write it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are wrong if you think a parent owes being a doormat to their children.  We didn't incur some obligation to take abuse just because we are responsible for your being born.  For millions of years, people had children who were born into slavery, poverty, and disease.  Are they to blame for having children?  No parent EVER thought for a minute their child would be unhappy, even when both parents were both slaves, having a child that would be born into slavery. Rationally, maybe they should have thought about it, but people just aren't that rational. 

The reason people have continued to have children comes down to one word, hope.  Hope for a better world, hope for a better life their children in that better world.  It may not be rational, but it has always been that way, and always will be.   
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ravenstar
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« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2017, 10:24:06 AM »

Thank you booth for your replies. Very helpful, really. So much wisdom here. I've been caught up in 'getting through' the holidays, ugh. DD went to treatment in December, but I'm not sure anything stuck. I do see though that her substance abuse issues is directly related to her BPD. It's the underlying issue.

I am coming to realize that she really has seriously disordered thinking... .  like I've intellectually know this for years, but it's really only now sinking in, I am also realizing that her ups and downs drag me along with them and that says more about my issues than hers sometimes. I keep trying to reason with her, like she can process that normally. wow, banging my head against a wall.

The FOG has me and half the time I don't realize it... .thinking I'm being rational when in reality I am only reacting. Ugh. Thinking I'm helping when I am probably enabling.

I see my psychiatrist today... for my ADD and anxiety. I have a LOT to talk to him about. I think I'm going to need therapy to get off this hamster wheel/rollercoaster... .I don't want to 'abandon' my kid, but I'm starting to see that as long as I'm messed up, I'm no good to her, or myself.

I have so much fear... .and feelings of obligation, and she manipulates the hell out of that. She even admitted it to me... .proudly... .then her mood changed (as it does several times a day) and she actually showed some compassion for me (weirdly because my car isn't running well and I have to go out of town) I allow her instability to keep me off balance. again... .ugh.

I'll be back to work on this and learn from you all. THANK YOU!
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ravenstar
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2017, 01:12:46 PM »

So... .my psychiatrist doesn't think that my kid is BPD... .(after I broke down crying in his office) ugh, because of her age and it could just be puberty and rebellion (yaaaa... .no). I shut down when he said that. He doesn't live in my life so... .and has no idea what the past 5 years have been like. I'll just see him for my ADD and leave the family problems out of it.

I've made a choice to see a therapist, for me. I meet her this evening. I love my daughter dearly but she is a tornado/rollercoaster of emotions, behaviour and refuses to take any responsibility. I need help to learn self-care, boundaries and detachment, things I obviously suck at.

As long as she can manipulate me and keep me off balance there aren't going to be any changes for either of us... .and that will not do. The stress is too much, and she is now 18.

Where do I start? Does anyone here have any advice for how I can get the best out of therapy? I have so many fleas I can barely function some days... .the other night I started doubting my self wondering if I was the one with BPD. (hmmm... .on further thought I realized that no, I am not BPD. I have my own issues but that's not one of them... still just thinking about it kind of freaked me out)

I don't have the resources for extended therapy so I really want to make the best of it. Any experience or thoughts would be much appreciated.

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ArleighBurke
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2017, 03:27:33 PM »

I am unsure if my wife has BPD or not - but all her behaviours are the same as everyone's elses here! So the techniques here to deal with a BPD work with her 0 whether she actually has it or not.

I suspect dealing with a "hormonal teenage girl" uses mostly the same techniques as dealing with a "BPD daughter" - so try again with your therepist. I can't see the point going to the therepist and NOT being able to talk about the biggest thing in your life that is causing you stress! If he doesn't want to help - go somewhere else. Finding someone who specialises in BPD is probably useful.

As for you: if sounds like you have the mechanics OK (you know how to validate, you know how to take time for yourself). But you are still very emotionally tried to your daughter. Of course this is natural - she is your daughter. But as much as she is hurting, you need to be able to distance yourself. I don't know how to do this! Watching her self-destruct would be the most difficult thing. But remember: you can't fix her. And she is separate to you. Perhaps you can try to watch her live her life like a TV show - you can feel for the characters, but after an hour you can turn it off and focus on your own life. You can feel for her, feel her pain, but it is HER pain. 
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