What If I Want To See Her Again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Is there any real harm in seeing her again after a substantial period of NC?  I really do care about her and want to know that she is ok.  While I'll never know all that is going on in her life it makes me so blue to think that we will never speak again.  Please let me know what you think my friends!

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Is there any real harm in seeing her again after a substantial period of NC?  I really do care about her and want to know that she is ok.  While I'll never know all that is going on in her life it makes me so blue to think that we will never speak again.  Please let me know what you think my friends!

[formflier]

No harm whatsoever... .

There are a lot of assumptions in my statement above.

1.  That you have health boundaries.
2.  That you can be deliberate about choosing to engage in healthy communication and not participate (use boundaries) for unhealthy.


Does the reason for NC still exist?  Do you feel different about those reasons?

FF

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I didn't want to see her or hear from her while I was detaching from the emotional connection.  The thing I can't turn off is that I care about her and I'm curious how she is doing.  The truth is I will likely move from Indianapolis, where we both live, back to Southern California, where I once lived.  She has too many familial ties to make that move with me.  That in and of itself was a deal breaker.

We split up for other reasons, but looking at it logically I can't stay here and she wouldn't have gone with me.  She's a friend and I like having my friends in my life.  If she'll be a friend then I'd be down for that.   

I've been seeing a therapist and there are two things I know now that I didn't before.  I am ok even if others are unhappy.  I am allowed to set and maintain boundaries. 

What do you think?

[formflier]

  I am ok even if others are unhappy.  I am allowed to set and maintain boundaries. 

What do you think?

I think you have done good work with your T.

When do you have your next visit?  I'm going to give you some FF homework to discuss with your T.

Please discuss your answer above.  "I'm allowed to set and maintain boundaries... "   Who is a guy that thinks that?  What is that guy like?  Is that healthy?

Discuss this suggestion  "It is my responsibility to set and maintain healthy boundaries" 

Same thing.  Who is that guy that thinks that way?  What is that guy like? 

allowed verses responsibility... .  who allows you? 

Big picture.  You are responsible for your boundaries and the "stuff" inside them.  Taking responsibility leads to appropriate pride and satisfaction... .and to happiness.

Lots of goodies to discuss with your T.

FF

[Oncebitten]

Sheasked,

I agree with FF, there is nothing wrong with having her as a friend as long as you can maintain your boundaries.  I can tell you that this is difficult to do with a former partner who has BPD, but not impossible just realize that it will be on you to maintain those boundaries.  A lot of sights will tell you that the only way is to go complete no contact and never speak to them again.  To me this is a very callous approach and should only be used if you are unable to maintain the boundaries you need.

Oncebitten

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Oncebitten. 

NC is a tool, not a mandate, Sheasked.  For some, NC is the only way, but it's not a strategy for everyone.

Perhaps it would help if you asked yourself what are your expectations?  If you're seeking closure, it's doubtful.  If you're seeking her to accept responsibility, it's doubtful.  If you expect kindness, it's doubtful.  You also run the risk of putting yourself out there, only to get turned down.  So what is the point of reconnecting?  That's your task, to figure that out.

LuckyJim

[Meili]

On the flip-side, what do you think will happen if you break NC? What are your concerns?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

On the flip-side, what do you think will happen if you break NC? What are your concerns?

Melli, I got my answer on what would happen.  Had I know she would be so harsh I wouldn't have had the heart to try. She must be in a relatively good place, because she told me she would block me if I tried to communicate with her again.  That kind of harsh reaction undoubtedly fueled her ego.   

[Lucky Jim]

In a way its good that her response was clear, rather than ambiguous.

Are you ready to move on?

LJ

[Meili]

I agree with LJ, it is good that she was unambiguous. Now you know and no longer have to guess.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I'm not at all ready to move on.  What complicates it is in my attempt to move on I began dating.  Eventually I met a really great girl who is nothing like my exBPDgf.  Unfortunately I feel awful that I am still carrying this bag full of feelings for the exBPDgf. 

[Meili]

Oh, I've been there! I went out with several women and felt guilty about it, kept thinking about my x, etc. It isn't fair to them if you are still hung up on your ex and they want something serious. If you're trying to move on from the relationship, just out having fun and both understand that, then it's a different story IMHO. I was not at the point that I was actually ready to move on, but it was nice to see the contrast between my x and others.

So, you're not ready to move on. What's your plan at this point? What are you going to do for you?

[formflier]

OK... .you have your answer.  Respect that.

You also are to be commended for your insight.  The feelings for your ex are YOURS... .  Good job identifying that. 

Since you have figured out who "owns" the feelings... .you know where to go to work through those.  (Hint:  Look in the mirror)

What is your plan to work through the feelings?

FF

[SheAskedForaBreak]

So, you're not ready to move on. What's your plan at this point? What are you going to do for you?

FF this is a response for your post as well.  I am trying so hard to just enjoy this newfound woman in my life and adjust to a normal, quiet life, with someone who is independent, stable and goal oriented.  She is someone I could have a decent life with IF I am able to give as good as I'm getting.  Still, the exBPDgf lingers in my head and clings to my heart, though I know I'm the only one who feels this way. 

My friends and I were all convinced she used the threat of blocking me as a veiled hint that she wants to be able to contact me later... .  I'm ashamed to say I'm clinging to that myself.

[Meili]

Sounds like you need to choose between the new and old one. It isn't fair to the new for you to start to develop a relationship with her if you heart still belongs to the old one.

[formflier]

Big picture.  Lot's of times... .most of the time, it is better to step back and look at the forrest... .instead of staring at that one tree.


You are starting out a new r/s.  Who knows where it will go?  Why not just enjoy that? 

Also enjoy the good memories of past r/s that you have had.  Learn from "bad" memories, in hopes that you can become a stronger person with better boundaries.

Don't worry about "giving as good as you get".  Instead... .

1.  Give your best.  Always.    Temper this with the realization that on some days your best will make you look like superman... .and on other days... .it will be quite pitiful.

2.  Enjoy the moment that you are in now.  When feelings come up from past r/s issues, don't run from them but also don't wallow in them.

How does this sound to you?  What could this look like in practice for you?

FF

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Big picture.  Lot's of times... .most of the time, it is better to step back and look at the forrest... .instead of staring at that one tree.

How does this sound to you?  What could this look like in practice for you?

FF

This sounds like good advice.  I get caught up in what next year is going to look like and I forget that today is more important than anything else.  I'll enjoy her company and try to get past the hurt I'm experiencing.  Meilli is right in some sense, but the new girl and I aren't getting married next week, it's a new r/s and I should give it time to grown into what it will be. It may not even be worth exposing myself to the hurt of losing her because of my past r/s if we both opt to go in our separate directions for amicable reasons.