Under pressure, Indecision

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys.

So I tried to impose a boundary last week and as a result my BPD girlfriend broke up with me. After a day she reached me because she missed me and didn't want to ask me back, but instead make me beg her to get back to her, which after more stress and arguments I didn't. I said I did what I did because it was what I believed was best for our relationship.

She reached me again yesterday and this time did say she would "take me back" if I got a haircut, which I feel was more like a test to me (If you like me, then prove it), I'm not sure if she REALLY means it but never the less, she want's me back and I'm having second thoughts whether I should get back to her.

I was already discussing our relationship on the "Improving... " section, but things started to always aggravate and she started to become ever more disrespectful, physically and verbally more violent.

I need help, she's already feeling left out and that I'm not really moving much or showing interest in coming back to her. I'm conflicted, my rational mind knows I can never have a healthy relationship with her and that I may even be in danger, her BPD is more severe and she has antisocial tendencies. My emotional side cannot grasp the idea of not being with her again and thinking of her with someone else, and not only that, but thinking that if she did what she does to someone else, she herself may endanger her life.

I also believe I'm codependent and I'm having a hard time already of not seeing other people this meantime we are separated.

I feel like my emotions are a bit trapped, I haven't cried at all since we broke up, I used to cry pretty much every week when we were together. I'm sleeping after 5am everyday, cringing my teeth all day and night and having heart palpitations or I'm not sure what is going on in there. Other then that I have been trying to improve my life, I was living in a mess, I already fixed up the house and my car in 3 days, I'm keeping myself busy at all times, which is the opposite of what I was doing in the relationship where I would try to escape from reality by watching TV and any other way to dissociate. I needed her permission to sleep, I had a fix time of how long I should take to respond her, take a shower, stay at the gym, work and study, so I definitely feel somewhat free.

I'm lost, please help ;(

(scored 43 in the depression test https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0)

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi guys.

So I tried to impose a boundary last week and as a result my BPD girlfriend broke up with me. After a day she reached me because she missed me and didn't want to ask me back, but instead make me beg her to get back to her, which after more stress and arguments I didn't. I said I did what I did because it was what I believed was best for our relationship.

She reached me again yesterday and this time did say she would "take me back" if I got a haircut, which I feel was more like a test to me (If you like me, then prove it), I'm not sure if she REALLY means it but never the less, she want's me back and I'm having second thoughts whether I should get back to her.

I was already discussing our relationship on the "Improving... " section, but things started to always aggravate and she started to become ever more disrespectful, physically and verbally more violent.

I need help, she's already feeling left out and that I'm not really moving much or showing interest in coming back to her. I'm conflicted, my rational mind knows I can never have a healthy relationship with her and that I may even be in danger, her BPD is more severe and she has antisocial tendencies. My emotional side cannot grasp the idea of not being with her again and thinking of her with someone else, and not only that, but thinking that if she did what she does to someone else, she herself may endanger her life.

I also believe I'm codependent and I'm having a hard time already of not seeing other people this meantime we are separated.

I feel like my emotions are a bit trapped, I haven't cried at all since we broke up, I used to cry pretty much every week when we were together. I'm sleeping after 5am everyday, cringing my teeth all day and night and having heart palpitations or I'm not sure what is going on in there. Other then that I have been trying to improve my life, I was living in a mess, I already fixed up the house and my car in 3 days, I'm keeping myself busy at all times, which is the opposite of what I was doing in the relationship where I would try to escape from reality by watching TV and any other way to dissociate. I needed her permission to sleep, I had a fix time of how long I should take to respond her, take a shower, stay at the gym, work and study, so I definitely feel somewhat free.

I'm lost, please help ;(

(scored 43 in the depression test https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0)

[Meili]

That sounds like a tough situation, and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with it. But, I applaud you for even considering considering the idea of continuing on.

Based on what I understand, the initial reaction to enforcing boundaries is a lot like a toddler when he/she encounters his/her parents' boundaries for the first time. The toddler will press and test. If the parents remain firm, the toddler learns. If the parents do not, the toddler learns that also. The latter puts the toddler in control of the parents.

In some ways, if you decide to continue your r/s with your pwBPD you'll need to become the emotional parent. Your "toddler" will test you. You'll need to be strong and consistent to handle the tests.

Have you looked at the tools regarding CHOOSING A PATH?

Have you considered why you might truly want to salvage the relationship?

[formflier]

Good on you for using a boundary.  Your girlfriend is obviously not used to them. 

This is really something for you to figure out for you.  If you are interested in trying to reconnect, then that is something to discuss with your ex.  However, "conditions" are not usually a good thing... ."tests"... whatever you want to call them.

If you are really done... .then the issue is moot.

 

Hang tough...

FF

[ArleighBurke]

I think everyone here loves their partner and faces the anguish every day.

Do I deserve this treatment?
Are they worth staying with?
Am I an OK person if I leave?
Will I be happier... .?

It's a difficult position to be in.

How old are you? I ask because i think that does influence your decision. The younger you are the easier I think it is to leave - the more of your life you have ahead. But if you leave you also need to have a plan for the guilt... .

[Hlinthewiking]

Thank you for the support Meili  .

How long should that reaction take   ? I was expecting it, but I didn't anticipate a break up, though I knew it was a possibility. The boundary was, she won't let me see my friends and her excuse is that I always want to schedule on days we see each other, so I had a talk to her on Saturday and I scheduled to see my friends on Thursday, which is a day where would have seen each the same day (Wednesday sleep over) and on Friday to spend the weekend, she decided on the last moment before I left my house that I shouldn't go and instead I should go drive 15 miles to her house to beg her not to break up with me, I didn't and went to see my friends anyway, saying that I loved her and that I was begging her not to end it, but I was going to do it for the sake of our relationship.

I feel like she won't ever admit that I was right and that this event will only be an excuse to punish me in the future saying that I did this horrible thing to her in the past, she has done this several times already.

She also projects all the time to the point of loosing reality. Is there a possibility enforcing a boundary like this will work? How can it work if she always sees that she's being lenient to my mistakes and that I'm the one who should change :/ .

My thoughts on staying in the relationship are clear. I'm very hard to please sexually, I'v had problems in the past with anorgasmia and is close to impossible for me to climax with a condom, in the past I'v had to really concentrate to climax and having a moment of pleasure that I just naturally would feel it were very rare. I also have an extreme attraction towards her. The first kiss I ever had I remember feeling the short circuit/fireworks in my head and after that no one else gave me this other then my BPDgf/ex and it keeps happening even after more then a year together, though not all the time of course. There's the extreme attraction and there's the empathy towards her suffering, I want her to be happy and I know she's in pain all the time, I feel bad for her and powerless, I can't think how I can abandon her with all that pain... .

formflier, thank you. Unfortunately I feel responsible for this... .I'v always loved her so deeply I never wanted to risk loosing her, so I'v just took everything I could and just begged her every time she had an episode... .

ArleighBurke, I'm 25

I know I will be happier without her, but only if the hole she left disappears. We have broken up in the past and even after 4 months I was having panic attacks and depression.

[ArleighBurke]

Perhaps you need to take a very long look at why you want to stay with her. There's lots of advice on this website for it. Fear? Obligation? Love?

You need to make a solid choice. This will then steer you in the right direction. (I think you are very reactive at the moment - although you enforcing a boundary was a great action).

If you choose to leave, you need that to be a solid decision for you - because there's a good chance she'll want you back and promise you everything. Lots of pressure.

If you choose to stay, you'll need to learn validation and boundaries. It'll get a little easier, but it will never be easy. There will always be drama, problems, arguements. Then it comes down to how emotionally strong you are. She will ALWAYS have BPD.

[Hlinthewiking]

Fear and love basically. There are periods where I'm in peace with the fact we can break up, then sometimes I get overwhelmed with feeling like... "Oh my god, what have I done? Will I find someone who I will have such deep feelings for? Will she be the one I think about for decades?"

[ArleighBurke]

Fear of being alone... .  When I had my first girlfriend at 16 my dad told me that he was pretty sure she wasn't the one - that i would love many women before I truely fround the right one. Of course I didn't believe him - she was "the one"! But he was right. Really - in  my city alone there are 1,000,000 people - of which I'd estimate 100,000 are women within 10yrs of my age. Of those, I've met perhaps 1,000 of them at best (1%).  If there truely was "only one" for me - what's the chance that i found her in the 1% of women that I met? Really? It would be more likely that since I found 1 in the 1000 women I met, that means there must be another 99 like her in the 99,000 women i havn't yet met!

And BPD relationships are certainly known for their intensity. Read the "separated" board on this site - read the stories about people who have come out of a high intensity BPD relationship and are now in a "stable" new relationship - waiting for the sparks that never come. Not sure if that's good or bad... .

Is there any chance your sexual problem is psychological? That you are worried or stressed with your girlfriend and hence can't perform? I know that happens with me sometimes (and there are other stories on these boards as well) mostly about losing an erection because you don't feel relaxed or in-touch with your partner.

[Hlinthewiking]

Not quite the fear of being alone, but of not getting over her and feeling like this forever, then never finding someone who I love as much as her.

I didn't say I couldn't perform, I'm talking about having sex for over 3h and your partner climaxing multiple times while you are not getting much pleasure or even close to an orgasm, sometimes in fact feeling boredom. But that didn't happen very often with my exBPDgf. I do believe it is psychological as well, specially since during the time I was experiencing anorgasmia I was taking anti depressants and also for not feeling that much excitement which is the opposite of what happened with my exBPDgf.

[formflier]

Hlinthewiking,

Good post.

In my opinion, boundaries are the #1 tool/skill that needs to be learned to be successful in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Really a life skill that many of us missed growing up.  I sure did.

Anyway, I would challenge you to shorten your boundary explanation and infuse your values and your self worth into it.

I'll give you a for instance from my r/s.  It was actually my first boundary with my wife.

Boundary/value:  I have a right to privacy. 

Practical application:   I have pin codes and passwords.  I alone choose when to access those and if anything will be shared.

Once you clarify the value you are protecting, you are able to clarify the boundary to yourself and to others. 

Then the focus can be on how best to communicate that value/boundary and to enforce it.

FF

[Meili]

Not quite the fear of being alone, but of not getting over her and feeling like this forever, then never finding someone who I love as much as her.

I know that it is hard to imagine right now, but there is more than one "perfect person" or soul mate for each of us out there. Each individual is unique and brings with them a special set of qualities that touch our souls. Each does so in a different way.

I have chosen to use the love that I feel/felt for my x not as an anchor to hold me back, but rather as an energy source to propel me further. She showed me my capacity to feel things that I never knew before. I also learned what I truly wanted in a partner because of my relationship with her. I choose to look at all that happened with her as a gift to me. Can you see that in your situation?

Can you find ways to take what feels like a negative right now and make it a positive? Because here's the thing, emotions are neither positive nor negative; they just are. What we choose to do with them is what matters.

[Hlinthewiking]

Oh yes, I can see it, I did in the past, that's the main reason I saw so many women the first time we broke up. I was much more capable to tell what I wanted and what I didn't want.

About turning things to a positive side, yes I can and I'm doing so, the problem is that I cannot devote myself 100% to those beliefs if you know what I mean, there is always a part of me that's worried and afraid and sometimes that part takes over.

Last time we broke up I remember I felt the desperation a few times, one was when I was in bed with another girl and she put her finger in my mouth when I yawned, to joke with me, my exBPDgf used to do that all the time to me and I just went into shock, my eyes got wide open and my mouth open and I stood there without moving for a couple seconds, of course the girl got spooked a bit and asked if she had done something wrong, I said no, it was nothing, don't worry about it and laughed it out, I tried to pretend I was ok but I wasn't.

Then I also remember some days where I'm completely fine and one day I just wake up and it feels like waking up in the middle of a dream, like I slept when we where together and then I wake up and she's suddenly gone, those are the days I usually get panic attacks. I have psychogenic amnesia and it's hard for me to keep bad memories, last time I could barely think about the bad things she had done to me and could only think about the good ones.

[Meili]

Yes, I do know what you mean about trying to view things as positives and then occasionally things become negatives without warning. During those moments, I try to examine what changed. There must be something that caused it.

I also get emotional flashbacks from small things. Walking into the grocery store still floods me with emotions. It's sad when something so mundane can trigger such a strong reaction.

Why do you think that it is more difficult for you to tell what you want and don't want this time?

[Hlinthewiking]

I guess I can't relax, I'm constantly trying to go against the stream. I want the impossible, I want her back, but I want and need to also have a life, what we had wasn't sustainable, I couldn't even work, I need to be able to pay the bills, she doesn't help.

It's always been hard for me to weigh in good and bad, if there is a glimpse of good I have a huge problem making a decision.

I'm optimistic to the point of magical thinking, I can't get over the fact that what I want and ask of her is impossible. Once I can convince myself and accept the fact that it is impossible, maybe I can move on.

[Meili]

So, are you trying to detach or do you want to try to save the relationship?

Oddly, the best plan is the same for each. That is to focus on you. Figure out why you respond and react as you do. Learn to make sure that you meet your own needs. And learn to be proactive rather than reactive.

[Hlinthewiking]

Atm, trying to detach, conflicting about whether I will be able to go thru with it.

I couldn't resist, I started talking to other girls. There were a lot of them seeking me and some are very nice.

Is it wrong of me? I know we are not in a relationship atm, but I feel really guilty... .

[Meili]

Wrong of you? Wrong in what way? As far as it relates to your ex? Wrong of you to involve others when you aren't over your ex? Wrong because you haven't healed from your relationship? What do you mean by wrong of you?

I only ask those questions because you said that you're conflicted. If you are truly ready to detsch, talk with others can help you see that you don't need or even want your ex.

[Hlinthewiking]

I would never feel guilty or bad about doing something to myself, maybe I'd regret not doing differently, but I would never worry that much about it, I even scratched my head reading that, took me a while to understand. When it comes to other people that's different.

I feel guilty because of her.

Yesterday night I was feeling good, today I woke up feeling empty and missing her dearly, wondering how she is. She hasn't attempted to contact me since Monday, she got mad at me on Monday after the thing about the haircut I mentioned because she was likely missing me and I didn't give her enough attention or go immediately went to her place to try to patch things together. Maybe I triggered her fear of abandonment I she may not attempt to reach me again... Though admit I was hoping she at least came to me saying she over reacted for dumping me and wanted to try again... .

[formflier]

Here is a general impression I am getting.  If I am off base... .please let me know... .but I don't think I'm making too many assumptions.

It seems that if she came to you, said she overreacted... .she was sorry... .and wanted you back, that you would likely go back.  Is this correct?

You spend a lot of time thinking about her... .that also tells me you are interested.


There is nothing wrong with wanting to go back, to try and make things different. 

What I would caution you on is trying to figure out "well if she says this, then I will go back, and if she says that then I won't"  It strikes me as a bit indirect and leaves a bunch of power and decision making with her.  Sort of seems like it is not being true to you.

So, if I am correct (please clarify) that you are interested under some conditions, then I would reach out to her.  No conditions... .just say you are interested and if she would like to talk about it. 

That seems to be a good thing for you to do... .regardless of outcome. 

If she is interested... .great... .see where it leads.

If she demands a new haircut, clothes and pedicure... .  well... .you can consider it, but I would recommend treading lightly and carfully about getting into a r/s with someone that wants something other than who you are.

I'm certainly not advocating for never making changes in yourself for the good of the relationship... .just that you be careful that it doesn't turn into manipulation.

FF

[Hlinthewiking]

You are right.

Well, the reason she wants me to get a haircut I guess is the same of why she dumped me, for me to make a sacrifice to show her what she means to me. The haircut I got in the first place was because she wanted me to get it like 3 months ago. She's always changing her hair (identity issues) and she always ask for changes, despite of her actions stating otherwise, like saying she doesn't like routine but if I tell her I can't see her on Wednesday and/or ask for us to see each other on Tuesday she say's "but we always see each other on Wednesdays".

I'm just scared of contacting because to her it will be a display of weakness, she's already controlling me. I feel like she's "following" me when I log into social media and I made a change to Facebook so she wouldn't see if I added someone new and she said a few hours after I made the change, but didn't add anyone yet and she inquired me about changing something that I can't recall on Facebook, I didn't even know what she was talking about, but I thought could be that.

I think if I contact her she will start to manipulate me and destroy me from the inside until I finally get on my knees again and I think she's still got that power, she's done that before. I feel the ticking clock behind me, time is running out and if I don't make a clear decision a decision will be made for me.

[formflier]

I'm just scared of contacting because to her it will be a display of weakness

You are overthinking this... .

Trust me... .from one overthinker to another... .

You have no way of knowing or controlling what she thinks...

FF is shifting modes here... .You need to come up with a plan to reach out to her and see her in person.  In person, you need to have a plan to say to her.  "I miss our relationship and would like to build a relationship with you"

It's a pretty simple message to communicate.  Yet there is lots of fear and anxiety on your part surrounding this.  Your fear is understandable.

Part of getting out of the FOG is to get out of making decisions based on fear.

I would set a goal of taking a week to get your head straight... .and then go for it.

FF

[Hlinthewiking]

That's exactly what I wanted, but I was afraid if it goes past this weekend she will shut the door forever. I guess that's acting thru fear but I also know her a lot and one thing that scared me since the beginning of the relationship is how freezing cold and distant she has become of her ex (guy before me, she had a 4 year relationship with him), she talks very calmly about that he had his chance, it didn't work and it's life. That indifference she has towards anyone who hurts her always scared me, it's like she disposes of people who make her hurt.

edit: come to think of it, it sounds more like dissociation, I think the first person who she did this with is her father, she doesn't demonstrate anything towards him and treats him as a nothing, but I know how she suffers about him. I'm much more disposable then a father though, you can't get another father.

[formflier]

  she talks very calmly about that he had his chance, it didn't work and it's life. T

She planted that idea in your head... .fertilized it... .and it grew like gangbusters.  Exactly what she wanted.

Pick your own timetable, live for you.  You obviously want to give it a shot.  Pull the trigger

My only reason for saying wait a week... .is so that we can help you get your head straight.

Taking action based on what you want is healthy.  Being wise about how you go about doing that is also healthy.  Blindly jumping back into a r/s that had troubles is not.

Listen... .we may prep you for a week... .and the relationship may still fail.  That is life.  But it is a life that you lived by your choices as opposed to a life lives in fear of the actions/feelings of others

Live your life!

FF

[Hlinthewiking]

God, I don't know what to do, I miss her, I decided to check her on on social media just for a sec and I saw she changed her profile pick to a photo of her wearing pijamas, with her hair all messed up, crying and with headphones, I think it may be a cry out for help to me or anyone.

I feel so guilty and at the same time feel like I just left her to suffer for herself, I was going to see someone tomorrow, I'm already talking to so many girls, I don't want to get colorful friendships, I just want the pain to go away and maybe just see someone balanced who appreciates me for who I am... .

I'v never seen her like this, I hope she's trying to make me feel bad and manipulate me, otherwise I'm worried for her.