28 Days NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been here every day, but not really posting, just here reading and trying to get strength.

I have never got this far without seeing him. 

I miss him so much, it hurts more than words can describe.

He discarded me 28 days ago.  I don't know even know why.

Its hard to breakup in any situation, but when someone that said they loved you and you were there world, just leaves you suddenly without any explanation, after all these years, is more than confusing. 

How do we process this, how can I file this away.  I understand the disorder but I just can't rapt my head around how he can just discard me like this.  We had the most amazing chemistry and when things were good, there were amazing.  I just honestly am struggling at the moment. 

I'm good mentally at time, then it all crashes down around me.  I think I hate him plus I feel so sad at times, I just want to feel ok again.

[DreamerGirl]

I have been here every day, but not really posting, just here reading and trying to get strength.

I have never got this far without seeing him. 

I miss him so much, it hurts more than words can describe.

He discarded me 28 days ago.  I don't know even know why.

Its hard to breakup in any situation, but when someone that said they loved you and you were there world, just leaves you suddenly without any explanation, after all these years, is more than confusing. 

How do we process this, how can I file this away.  I understand the disorder but I just can't rapt my head around how he can just discard me like this.  We had the most amazing chemistry and when things were good, there were amazing.  I just honestly am struggling at the moment. 

I'm good mentally at time, then it all crashes down around me.  I think I hate him plus I feel so sad at times, I just want to feel ok again.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have never got this far without seeing him.

It's very painful DG, I understand, and the good news is you've started your detachment and made it further than you have before, so you're on the path, a path you might not have wanted to be on, but you are, so best to keep going yes?

How do we process this, how can I file this away.

By working through it, not by filing it away.  It is painful, and the best thing you can do is take care of yourself very well, and feel everything.  Emotions work best when they're moving, when they get stagnant, suppressed, repressed, they pop out elsewhere in sometimes ugly ways, so best to keep them flowing.  Crying is what pain leaving feels like, and it will leave, there is a brightness in your future, go on faith for now but it's there, accessible to you by slogging through the muck of painful emotions for now, just keep them flowing.

I think I hate him plus I feel so sad at times, I just want to feel ok again.

28 days isn't very long, you've just begun, and you will feel OK again, better than OK, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[drained1996]

Dreamergirl,

I feel your pain and understand the depths of confusion, frustration, and sadness dealing with this illness brings to us nons.  Like fromheeltoheal said, feel these emotions, let them flow.  This is all part of your process, the beginning of your healing.
I will ask, have you thought about doing something for yourself?
Like going shopping with a girlfriend?
Lunch or dinner with a friend or friends?
Really anything to help put the focus on you.
I know it's tough, but looking back on my own experience I can see how doing things I really didn't want or feel like doing helped my process.  Just one day, one step at a time.  We promise, it will get better.   

[rfriesen]

I'm good mentally at time, then it all crashes down around me.  I think I hate him plus I feel so sad at times, I just want to feel ok again.

DreamerGirl,
I can certainly relate to those waves that seem to sweep you out to sea again every time you feel like you're getting your feet back under you. You'll find many posters here who know how painful that rollercoaster is - to feel good, or at least stable, one moment and to have it all come crashing down the next. And to just want some relief from the ups and downs ... .well, especially the downs.

It's a very hard process to live through, especially the first weeks and months away from the relationship. One thing that was helpful for me was to realise that the miserable and painful feelings are also temporary. Neither the best moments nor the worst moments last forever. Are you able to turn some of your focus to your own needs and desires when you find yourself in a difficult spot on that emotional rollercoaster. What specifically do you miss about him? What is it that makes you feel you hate him? Is your goal to begin detaching from some of those more painful feelings?

It's not easy to turn our focus to ourselves in this way. But I did find that it ultimately helped me a lot to try asking myself these questions and accepting that I was in a lot of pain because of my own emotional needs and how disrupted/distorted they felt by the end of the relationship with my ex. And always remember, when you're in the midst of those deep painful feelings, that those intense feelings are temporary, even if they seem to be stretching on far too long at times.

Keep posting here, and hang in there through the tough times! They will subside in time. 

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you for your responses.  This place is my strength, I read here morning and night.'

I had a random text tonight, after 30 days NC  He texted such a cold text, saying "Hi, can I plz have the address of a mutual friend". 

That was like a knife to the heart, momentarily.  I was really saddened because I thought when I did hear from him again, it would be love felt, like he was missing me or dreaming of me, not what i got.  That hurt.

I still feel hurt, but I'm almost five weeks away from his crazy behaviour, and I can see the light, I will not go back to this. 

Why did he text this, is he really that cold? 

Is is trying to see if I will respond?

I don't understand how he can text me like I am just a person who has some information that he needs, I was the woman he couldn't live without, the one.  It hurts, even as much as I have moved forward, now I feel sad, angry and sad, all over again. 

[married21years]

  DreamerGirl   

to pour their heart out leaves them vulnerable to pain

much easier to send a tester text like these

used to get these a lot but ignored them, got painted blacker and the lies become easier to spot!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey DG-

Why did he text this, is he really that cold? 

Is is trying to see if I will respond?

You feel hurt, angry and sad, and what you do is get online and tell us about it and do your best to regulate the emotions.  Borderlines experience intense emotions they can't regulate like that, so they need to develop equally intense tools to deal with them, projection, splitting, cognitive distortion, whatever works, to just make the pain stop.  We all do that to some extent, downplay things, ignore things, blame other people, all to feel better about something, but this is that on steroids, and when taken to the extreme we label it mental illness.

So he's cold because he has to be.  Using the tools, he's painted a picture in his head that is so effective he believes it all the way, and in that version of reality it's totally appropriate to ask you for someone's address in a businesslike manner.  When you think about it, you don't really want to be with someone who does that, and then there's the other side of it, where it hurts.  We understand. 

I still feel hurt, but I'm almost five weeks away from his crazy behaviour, and I can see the light, I will not go back to this. 

Now there's some certainty!  Nice!

[Beacher]

Make an appointment with a therapist. It's so important to talk about it and grieve and have someone  help,you through it and understand what's going on.
I cried my eyes out every session but felt a great releif in doing so. What they do to us and how they treat us is very sick and traumatic. There is no way to begin to understand the how and why of their behavior except from someone with some background on it and of course this site.
One minute we are the best thing since sliced bread, the next as if we never existed! We deserve better. Hang in there and make that appointment!