Says one thing and does another

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all!

My first post here, but I've been reading this site for over two years trying find solace, sanity, and solutions to keep my marriage together.

The latest incident revolved around the usual topic du jour, bashing my ex wife. My wife and my ex have drastic differences in fashion, and a day doesn't go by where my wife stalks my ex's social media in an attempt to bash whatever she's wearing in a picture.

Recently, my ex began wearing a certain brand (which i wouldn't have known about unless my wife had told me--another topic for another day) which she bashed for about a week straight. "Oh that's a brand for fat women who have given up!" "I'd never be caught dead wearing that crap!" "She has zero fashion sense and looks terrible!"

Well, you know how this ends.

Yes, me reading an email receipt from said store with items similar to what my ex was wearing in her pictures. Cue my rage.


I did the "wrong" thing and confronted her as to why, after a week of hearing how bad this brand was, she felt the need to buy.

Her response, "I made fun of the patterns, but these are plain black pants and I heard they are really comfortable." She said this in the most straightforward tone as if the previous ranting about this brand and my ex never happened.

This sort of behavior drives me nuts, and aside from clothing what she says and does almost never agree. How do you deal with this in a marriage? I feel the urge to call her out on these things, because I am subjected to her ranting for hours and sometimes days. I feel like she's wasting my time and emotional energy only to do a U-turn and act like it's always been this way.

[3igen]

Hello all!

My first post here, but I've been reading this site for over two years trying find solace, sanity, and solutions to keep my marriage together.

The latest incident revolved around the usual topic du jour, bashing my ex wife. My wife and my ex have drastic differences in fashion, and a day doesn't go by where my wife stalks my ex's social media in an attempt to bash whatever she's wearing in a picture.

Recently, my ex began wearing a certain brand (which i wouldn't have known about unless my wife had told me--another topic for another day) which she bashed for about a week straight. "Oh that's a brand for fat women who have given up!" "I'd never be caught dead wearing that crap!" "She has zero fashion sense and looks terrible!"

Well, you know how this ends.

Yes, me reading an email receipt from said store with items similar to what my ex was wearing in her pictures. Cue my rage.


I did the "wrong" thing and confronted her as to why, after a week of hearing how bad this brand was, she felt the need to buy.

Her response, "I made fun of the patterns, but these are plain black pants and I heard they are really comfortable." She said this in the most straightforward tone as if the previous ranting about this brand and my ex never happened.

This sort of behavior drives me nuts, and aside from clothing what she says and does almost never agree. How do you deal with this in a marriage? I feel the urge to call her out on these things, because I am subjected to her ranting for hours and sometimes days. I feel like she's wasting my time and emotional energy only to do a U-turn and act like it's always been this way.

[ArleighBurke]

This sort of behavior drives me nuts, and aside from clothing what she says and does almost never agree. How do you deal with this in a marriage? I feel the urge to call her out on these things, because I am subjected to her ranting for hours and sometimes days. I feel like she's wasting my time and emotional energy only to do a U-turn and act like it's always been this way.

Don't play! Let her say whatever she wants and let it wash over you like rain - and wash away. None of it needs to stick to you. It can only take you time and emotional energy if you buy into it. Radical acceptance is accepting that she is different to you, and this is just "who she is".

But welcome to the site! You say you've been lurking for a few years - good for you to post. Is your wife formally diagnosed? In therapy? How do YOU cope and look after yourself?

[3igen]

Don't play! Let her say whatever she wants and let it wash over you like rain - and wash away. None of it needs to stick to you. It can only take you time and emotional energy if you buy into it. Radical acceptance is accepting that she is different to you, and this is just "who she is".

I will admit being able to resist being sucked in most of the time, but then find myself being accused of being passive aggressive (i.e. silent treatment). If I fight back, then I am "mean." It's truly no win, and when the ranting about my ex, my kids, her coworkers, neighbors or world issue du jour, she won't stop until I jump in or some psychologically shiner object appears in her life (eg a friend has a "crazy story"

But welcome to the site! You say you've been lurking for a few years - good for you to post. Is your wife formally diagnosed? In therapy? How do YOU cope and look after yourself?

Yes. She's dx for about a year. HFBPD. One instance of DV against me. She tried online therapy. Quit.  She was in 1-1 therapy for a few months after that with a psych. Quit. On various meds. Most didn't do much. Last one was promising and seemed to work for awhile but then the BPD behaviors came back.

One of her signature behaviors is lack of a filter on her mouth, especially in public. We can be anywhere and she will say the worst things about random people, their ethnicities (which makes zero sense as she is biracial), level of obesity, hair, facial features, etc. example would include sending me pics via text of someone at the daycare, "look at this typical stay at home mom. What a frumpy, fat, ugly person!"

Another is stereotyping people for behaviors she does herself.  Example. My wife cannot park her car straight whatsoever. But if she sees another bad park job, she will say "look, Asians can't park because of their slanted eyes"

If i say "wow, that was pretty racist." She will say, "whatever it's true!"

These sorts of childish behaviors at our age really turn me off. I'm sure it was "funny" when she was 22 and with her girlfriends, but that was a long time ago

She has a few female enablers in her life who use her like the court jester to provide them entertainment. My wife is all too happy to oblige despite the obvious effects this has on our r/s

[ArleighBurke]

If her behaviour and speech is something important to you, perhaps you need to enforce your boundaries. This takes a bit of thought and planning on your part to "know" what you will and won't accept. And this is NOT designed to change her. This is to remove something from your life that you do not accept. If that forces her to change then that's great - but certainly not expected. Have you read about Boundaries? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[3igen]

Have you read about Boundaries? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Yes. Many times. She's well aware of my boundaries regarding many of her behaviors. The problem is she is a master at boundary testing. She will slowly draw you in then cross it to test. Oftentimes the crossing is playful or done in a "it's a joke, stop being so uptight!" manner that, if we are in the middle of something, I may let it slide. Then, when she goes into a rage, the boundary is not only crossed, but often personalized against me.