Making the little things matter more now that I am healthier

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I believe it was Grey Kitty that mentioned that once he got healthier and had better boundaries, that little things in conversations that were mean or unhealthy got noticed more, and he started pushing on those.

I did the same thing yesterday.

History:  There has been an idea brought up, but not pushed very hard, by my wife to put a few of our kids in soccer.  The initial idea was that it would only be on Saturday and just for couple hours, not expensive, not much time... .easy breezy.  I made it clear that the idea sounded good, that I was not "pushing" it, and that if it was important to her that I was supportive.

Couple weeks goes by of spotty communication on it.  I even found a veterans group that was going to potentially fund out kids participation in it.  She had mentioned that yesterday was the deadline.

Well, her brother and his new girlfriend have been in town for a week or so and things have been crazy around here.  Yesterday was deadline and she was out doing stuff with them most of the day.  I thought I was being "appropriately supportive" when I texted asking if it was deadline and that I needed a computer link to the program to finalize the funding.

She then calls me asking what to do and what I wanted to do, because if we didn't promise to do volunteer hours we would have to pay a bunch of extra money.  How much.?  She was not sure.  If we volunteer how much would it cost (total) for all kids?  She was not sure.  Couple other questions... .same answer.

I clarified what I was able to do and my suggested way forward.

I said that she should attempt to call and clarify those questions as I was uncomfortable with giving direction with so many unanswered questions.  That I was reluctant to create any sort of obligation for me to coach, work in concession stand. 

A bunch of blather let loose on the phone and I would swear that she used G*d in a pejorative sense.  Not exactly using Lords name to curse at me, but I'm positive she was not complimenting me either.  Click, she hangs up on me.

I thought about it for a minute and called her back.

"Hey "ff wife name", I'm really uncomfortable with how are communication is going around the soccer issue.  I think we need to step back and look at our priorities here.  I don't think we should get involved with soccer this fall"

Huffing and puffing  "Fine... .whatever" in a dismissive tone.  Click.

Certainly I will discuss this with my Psychologist tomorrow.

Things I think I did pretty good.

1.  I didn't accuse her of anything (like using Lord's name)
2.  I made it about me and my feelings.

Things I could have improved on.

1.  Perhaps I should not have reached out in first place and just let her push the issue if she wanted. 

2.  Weeks ago I should have withheld any form of approval until all details are in.  Such as, I'm fine with getting more information and then we can decide.

3.  Perhaps I should have said that "our relationship is much more important to me than soccer" when I called her back.


In big scheme of things, I get it that this is small potatoes.  Thanks in advance for your input.  Last thought, we go on bikerides and to the pool and park a lot.  So, kids are not lacking for activity.  It's just not "organized" activity with a team and all that. 

FF

[formflier]

I believe it was Grey Kitty that mentioned that once he got healthier and had better boundaries, that little things in conversations that were mean or unhealthy got noticed more, and he started pushing on those.

I did the same thing yesterday.

History:  There has been an idea brought up, but not pushed very hard, by my wife to put a few of our kids in soccer.  The initial idea was that it would only be on Saturday and just for couple hours, not expensive, not much time... .easy breezy.  I made it clear that the idea sounded good, that I was not "pushing" it, and that if it was important to her that I was supportive.

Couple weeks goes by of spotty communication on it.  I even found a veterans group that was going to potentially fund out kids participation in it.  She had mentioned that yesterday was the deadline.

Well, her brother and his new girlfriend have been in town for a week or so and things have been crazy around here.  Yesterday was deadline and she was out doing stuff with them most of the day.  I thought I was being "appropriately supportive" when I texted asking if it was deadline and that I needed a computer link to the program to finalize the funding.

She then calls me asking what to do and what I wanted to do, because if we didn't promise to do volunteer hours we would have to pay a bunch of extra money.  How much.?  She was not sure.  If we volunteer how much would it cost (total) for all kids?  She was not sure.  Couple other questions... .same answer.

I clarified what I was able to do and my suggested way forward.

I said that she should attempt to call and clarify those questions as I was uncomfortable with giving direction with so many unanswered questions.  That I was reluctant to create any sort of obligation for me to coach, work in concession stand. 

A bunch of blather let loose on the phone and I would swear that she used G*d in a pejorative sense.  Not exactly using Lords name to curse at me, but I'm positive she was not complimenting me either.  Click, she hangs up on me.

I thought about it for a minute and called her back.

"Hey "ff wife name", I'm really uncomfortable with how are communication is going around the soccer issue.  I think we need to step back and look at our priorities here.  I don't think we should get involved with soccer this fall"

Huffing and puffing  "Fine... .whatever" in a dismissive tone.  Click.

Certainly I will discuss this with my Psychologist tomorrow.

Things I think I did pretty good.

1.  I didn't accuse her of anything (like using Lord's name)
2.  I made it about me and my feelings.

Things I could have improved on.

1.  Perhaps I should not have reached out in first place and just let her push the issue if she wanted. 

2.  Weeks ago I should have withheld any form of approval until all details are in.  Such as, I'm fine with getting more information and then we can decide.

3.  Perhaps I should have said that "our relationship is much more important to me than soccer" when I called her back.


In big scheme of things, I get it that this is small potatoes.  Thanks in advance for your input.  Last thought, we go on bikerides and to the pool and park a lot.  So, kids are not lacking for activity.  It's just not "organized" activity with a team and all that. 

FF

[ArleighBurke]

Sounds like most stuff my wife also tries to "organise":

1) Raise an idea.
2) Do nothing about it. (Expect ME to run with it perhaps?)
3) Become annoyed when it doesn't happen

Of course I'm to blame when nothing is done - because I'm not "supporting her".

I think you handled it well. You only "pushed" at the last minute - just to remind her. She'd obviously done nothing about it (she knew no details). Then she had a mini-hissy fit effectively blaming you for her lack of organisation.

I think you didn't react to her - which was good - you remained calm and suggested a clear way forward.

Calling her back and making the decision to NOT do soccer was interesting. I'm not sure if I'd do that or not... .actually I know I wouldn't. What's your reasoning behind that? It certainly places YOU in the position of calling the shots - which is good. I suppose if you hadn't called her back then the issue is really still floating. But if it's HER project - shouldn't you wait for HER to finalise it?

[formflier]

Calling her back and making the decision to NOT do soccer was interesting. I'm not sure if I'd do that or not... .actually I know I wouldn't. What's your reasoning behind that? It certainly places YOU in the position of calling the shots - which is good. I suppose if you hadn't called her back then the issue is really still floating. But if it's HER project - shouldn't you wait for HER to finalise it?

There is a bit of... .or a lot of... ."calling her out" (in a nice way) about this.  (See my post on one of Cat Familiar's threads about her calling our her hubby... .  )

The value and "position" that I think I am taking or want to take is that any activity that we are considering doing as a family, is communicating about that activity brings on using the Lord's name in something other than an honoring way, and/or my wife has a hissy, then:

I think we need to step back and focus on our marriage and God honoring communication, rather than putting our kids in activities.  This assumes our time is precious and we need to "budget" our time.

The Biblical counselor has been clear that we need to have our priorities organized as follows.

1.  Get things right with God.
2.  Get things right with each other and our marriage.
3.  Get things right with our children.
4.  Get things right with extended family
5.  ditto for rest of world.

So, if we are spending time and energy trying to "get things right with our children" and that process is showing us that #2 is wrong, we have our priorities wrong.

more later

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I believe it was Grey Kitty that mentioned that once he got healthier and had better boundaries, that little things in conversations that were mean or unhealthy got noticed more, and he started pushing on those.


I'm experiencing this as well. I think the positive part is that I see the little digs earlier, rather than them just being part of the ambient "doom and gloom" web that surrounds the pwBPD. And when I actually notice them, then I can be more effective at derailing a negative trend, rather than it sneaking up on me without awareness.

The negative part of this is that I now am so much more aware of how my pwBPD magnifies the slightest slight into a major insult, takes a bit of inconvenience and turns it into a disaster, focuses on a tiny negative aspect of something that is overwhelmingly positive (in my opinion), etc.

[formflier]

I'm getting better and not thinking about issues until it is "time" to bring them up. 

So, this morning my wife and I had a pleasant breakfast together and talked about other things.

Her brother had brought his girlfriend to visit family for the first time.

My wife's comment was that she talked a lot and was always very positive, which was very different than her family was used to

That her brother just seems to smile a lot and listen.

Hmmmm

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

So... .she signed the up for soccer, but offered to try to get money back if needed.  All of this via email.  I have no idea where she is, but my assumption is at her parents house.

Communication from her to me

Here is proof we paid... .if you want me to look into getting the money back email me the link and I can fill it out. (she puts her initial at the end)

her communication stops

Now that I read this again... she is talking about getting money from the veterans group... .not saying she will get our money back from soccer people.  

My email back to her

I will attempt to work on that information later this evening.  Likely easier for me to do it because they are asking for a lot of documentation to "prove" my status.  Since I hope to use them again in the future, I have several questions to send them.

I hope to find time in the next few days to talk about how this decision was made and the communications surrounding making this decision.  I want the best for our marriage and our family, my goal in this conversation is for each of us to fully understand the other and what we each could have done better.

I fully support the kids having activities and playing soccer, I think it will be fun.

I have no interest in ever repeating the kinds of conversations we had on Sunday as I was trying to help coordinate and understand soccer.

Thank you for the work you have done on the soccer issue and I again wanted to say how great I thought the write up was that you submitted for (S8).

Love,

(my name)

Thoughts?  

FF

[formflier]

I don't want to turn this into a right or wrong battle or a battle about who can say no or yes.  The only "point" that I will keep returning to is our need to be able to discuss issues without BPDish style communication.

No... .I won't say "BPDish"... .that is so you guys get the point.  I do need to find a way to describe it, without accusing... .

FF

[ArleighBurke]

Are you trying to "teach" her to be normal? I'm not saying it can't be done but I feel there's a difference between

• "you can say that and I will listen" (doormat)
• "you can say that but I will not listen" (enforce my boundary)
• "you can't say that" (control)

It reads to me like you are "parenting" her. Which perhaps you are - and is needed - but how does this fit with radical acceptance?

Maybe I'm off - this isn't an area I excel at yet... .

[formflier]

 
Great question and yes... .I believe I am somewhere between boundaries and teaching.

If it was purely boundaries I would just hang up or not participate.

We are being encouraged in MC to share with each other "best practices" or how we would prefer each other to relate.

Especially since it is biblical MC... .I fully intend to clarify that I will NOT participate in discussions where the Lord's name is used in vain.  If marital issues or family issues, (such as do we do soccer?) have the affect of "causing" her to use such language, then my choice is to resist doing those family things, while we do "first things first".

It is more important (to me, and my wife has agreed and the MC) that we have a God honoring marriage with speech that honors him as well, than if our kids do or don't attend soccer.

I don't control what my wife does, but I do control what I do and we BOTH control our kids and have equal say in those decisions.  I'm not going to be "run off" from having my share of say in kids stuff because of my wife's language, although ultimately, I can't control it.

Yes... there definitely is a parental aspect to this, I don't know how to get away from it.  I'm setting a high standard and expecting me and her to achieve it.  Honestly, she is having a difficult time... .but she is trying  She honestly is.  I am trying to overlook the dysfunctional parts of it and praise and reinforce the healthy.

When I need to respond to dysfunctional, I want to to it in a clear, healthy way.

Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

As a retired Naval Officer, I would be remiss if I didn't properly pipe Admiral Arleigh Burke aboard.

https://youtu.be/dXQMizno5cc

 

FF

[Fian]

Reading through the exchange, here is how I think she perceives things:

1.  He doesn't want to volunteer so that his kids can be a part of the soccer team?  Aren't the kids important to him?
2.  He is punishing me for fighting with him by not allowing the kids to join the soccer team.