There is a saying once you're black you never go back :)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

so once they paint you black you never go back to them

so i suggest you get painted black ASAP  

[married21years]

so once they paint you black you never go back to them

so i suggest you get painted black ASAP  

[Skip]

You're doing a lot of "painting black" yourself, M21! I'm not even sure I understand what this post is about.

I remember this painful post almost a year ago when your wife started pushing off and how it really hurt (read bellow)

she has decided she dosnt want a relationship

this is the latest thing to use to trigger me. this is so painful as we were trying to work on things now this. it is just so painful, she is going back on treatment and just playing the blame game!

You were doing your damnest to keep your family intact. Your words say it all.

So all bravado and "black painting" aside, can we talk about the life you are in right now.
~recovering from 9 months of no contact from your daughter
~filing a divorce in the last 60 days
~in a new relationship
~diagnosed with C-PTSD and co-dependency (which manifests much like BPD traits)
~excessive anger... .

We (bpdfamily) just collaberated on an article with author Kathy Ewing which I think might have a helpful perspective with respect to the above. Her final paragraphs read:

I’ll always bear some scars from my childhood: a nagging distrust of others, shame, regrets. But now I realize I'm not that helpless child anymore. I'm an adult now, just like my mother was. I need to understand that in the end, we were equals, as Nancy and I are. I don’t have to understand my mother, exactly. I don’t have to keep debating whether I was right or she was right.

I do need to understand that Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness that made her seem cold, invalidating, unkind, desperate, and blank. I need to understand that she couldn’t fully help herself. My mother, though sometimes superficially cheerful, was deeply wounded and unhappy.

I have realized that holding onto resentments may make me the same way.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/maybe-she-did-best-she-could-do

Does it make sense, at the one year point, to try to reach and start shifting from the Anger phase to the next level of detachment?

~ so you don't get consumed by family court
~ you don't alienate your daughter who loves her mother
~ you don't bring darkness into a new romance
~ you don't feed the C-PTSD demon - you start taming him?

Straight talk - what do you think?

Skip

[married21years]

my daughter is talking to me now, i have explained the BPD and she is looking at out of the fog. i have told her about my cptsd and my past and that i am co dependent.
i told her about the affairs and how she used these flying monkeys to destroy my image and me.

my daughter now understands and accepts this and we are formulating a plan to be safe.

i am trying to get my daughter back in touch with her loving family.

filling for divorce, when i Left Canada 9 months ago i told my ex that i wanted a divorce it took her 6 months to sign the agreement. as she has BPD she stalled for this time. until had this i wasn't going to file. the settlement is very simple 2 of the three cars and the house and the mortgage paid off. and i will put my daughter through college and pay fort that.

yes i am in a new relationship, and it is great and i am fighting my co dependency and learning to ask for things. i wont go back to being used and abused.

cptsd and co dependency can have BPD traits. and i do coda every week and i am reading literature. my coda group are amazed at the progress.

excessive anger, i havnt put my hands on anyone in a very long time . i am a lot calmer. however here is a safe place to vent that anger. it is better to let the anger out and to vent.

so what has changed to start giving me closure, a couple of months ago i found the evidence of the affairs, and my ex is still denying it just like she always has.

and yes i am at the stage of grief that i am angry and maybe not as accepting as you may like.

but it's my journey and i do it at my speed!

and if i want to stay angry at my ex for a while i will.

i know anger is a secondary emotion, and it is from the pain of all the lies and abuse i suffered.

from her and her flying monkeys!

blame, well i am sorry i feel no blame for what happened i went above and beyond what is expected in a marriage. the other person was not ready for therapy and it ended. and i refuse to beat myself up with blame that i don't deserve.

my anger is very focused and i only direct it at the person that deserves it, we are NC and any attempts to break that are meet with brutal honesty!

any more questions feel free to shoot 

[Skip]

Does it make sense, at the one year point, to try to reach and start shifting from the Anger phase to the next level of detachment?

So the answer is, "no". Am I reading that right? You are in stage 1 of detachment (the stages are in the right margin - click on each for further definition) - you're good with that.

my anger is very focused and i only direct it at the person that deserves it, my ex for a while i will.

It goes further than that, M21Y, that's why I'm writing. Look at your response in this thread - shut down, protective - you're responding, but not engaging on all fronts. I feel some levels of hostility.

A lot of your posts are encouraging anger in others - beyond the natural anger to a contrived one where we refer to our lost partners as animals, mock ridicule, laugh. The reason I say contrived is because if we really felt this way we wouldn't be here struggling to detach. Right? We would would have written it and moved on.

Don't get me wrong - anger is part of healing - but certain types of anger are more destructive than constructive to us.

any more questions feel free to shoot  

Do you think your general posting approach here is fueling a complex-PTSD personality. This is some of the character of C-PTSD populations: 77 % suffered form significant dysregulation of affects and impulses, including aggression against self and others, 84 % suffered from depersonalization and other dissociative symptoms, 75% were plagued by chronic feelings of shame, self-blame and feeling permanently damaged, 83 % complained of being unable to negotiate satisfactory relationships with others, and 73% said they had lost previously sustaining beliefs.

I only mention this as you may be more "feeding the beast", "feeding the animal" (your terminology   ) than taming it right now.

What do you think?

[married21years]

it was only recently i found the truth about the infidelity, there had been lies and cover up and persuasions to keep me controlled.

the betrayal; of her and nearly a whole community. the fact she was sleeping with 3 different members of that said small community behind my back. enlisting there help in her battalion of flying monkeys while i tried to help and support her.

yes i am still angry. i have got over the denial and accepted what happened and i am angry.

referring to feeding the animals was a reference to an earlier post about feeding the beast.

it was supposed to be light hearted banter to try and get us all to seek advice before breaking no contact

i have a plan that involves getting divorced and keeping that as smooth as possible means i have to keep my secrets for now.

but after the divorce i will clear my name.

i was the victim of her lies and deceit, i was the one abused and kept low to keep control of.

so yes i am angry and frustrated, but the truth will come out i will clear my name!

[married21years]

[myself]

but it's my journey and i do it at my speed!

Agreed. My r/s ended quite a while ago, which was mostly sad for me, but continuing to dig through my facts and feelings has uncovered a few layers of anger (at the disorder itself, how I was mistreated, etc.) that I'm still working on. Grieving and letting go take many *personal* twists and turns. Facing what comes up is vital, for best results, as is doing so in the healthiest ways we can. Which also change the farther along we are in the process. In the end, don't let it eat you up, but yes allow it to help you grow.

[married21years]

  myself

thanks, i am pushing hard to get there and not giving up, i am really Strong considering what i have been through

but i must not deny m,y anger i must feel it and be able to express it

for too long i denied my feeling for the benefits of others and suppressed them

no more 

[Lilyroze]

  Married,

Sorry for all you have been through. Read a couple of yours with your heart problems. Yes have been there done that repressing feelings or anger. Funny thing I just don't understand. I have went through a couple trying times in my life most couldn't handle. Had to stay on top of all for my work, jobs, my children etc. was never really angry. Hurt, sad, yes some anger in end both times I am talking about relieved didn't want the relationship, anymore. Stayed and did what I could. Last one well was a care taker for a long time ( had a physical injury). We hadn't had that kind of relationship in long time but moreso he loved me for what I could do for him vs a relationship I had where we loved each other heart and soul for who we were.

I am getting through it all, just anger is recent and healthy with some of the crazy things in end or all along.

 Recent anger ( never have really had this before, or a black void feeling at one point, or so much soul hurt) though is more directed at a hurt and betrayal from someone I truly loved, trusted with my whole heart, friendship, so much in common, never any real fights. Every time I read what was said about me, while going through all this mess, or the care and attention given to other women. I just then go back to did I mean nothing? Was what we had nothing to the person besides so many others as well? Never had this hurt or anger before, this is someone that we both saw each others hearts, souls and loved for who we were, knew so much about each other, shared and cared. So much hurt.

I just don't know if well what to think now. Instead of doing business with me, or forums with me was on with other women soothing, befriending I guess. Things that would have helped us strengthed our goals, friendship, learning, money, business was spent with others. Even when I needed it most. Yes we spent tons of time, but really when said he had other things part of times was these people. Instead of making a few in family be a little more responsible and giving up some of the "friends" he chose them. Instead of helping me in my hurt now, I reached out with letters, notes, apology for my part in any misunderstanding to silent and silence. Knowing he is soothing and helping others now, and on one of accounts talks of gifts  ( not to me). Did I mean nothing?

Just nothing at all... .

Saw yours couldn't find your heart problems so reached out here. Did I mean nothing?

My heart problems will and are healing. Not their fault. Don't blame them for anything. Even had lymphoma markers done, yes never wanted to hear that. But healing, with holistic. Am healed. Am better. All will be fine.  Glands are almost back to normal. I know it is from sbxBPD stress. Am not blaming anyone and again will be fine.

Just this has affected me more then ex etc. My heart is just so hurt and confused, anger was there. I would never put anyone before this person ( meaning my children, God of course ) but not on a forum. I would have spent the time getting our things done. Why? Why did I not see our relationship meant nothing or not the same before this? What is wrong with me that I didn't see?

Hitting the road soon. Have retreats, life to live, love helping others the wisdom given me here. But well don't want to immerse myself in here, as this is not the chaos I want my life to be. Yes willing to lend a hand, advice but different then living in it or on it here. Just had to see insight from a few that cared, and well since you had the health issues see if you had insight before I go? I tried to leave help and wisdom in leaving and not anger but do need to address this one part for me.

[Lilyroze]

Married,

Thought I would write back again. I do so hope you are doing better. Sorry for leaving you a few questions. Just know you were dealing with health ramifications from what you dealt with. I am all good now.

Healing, health and joy is the way I do live my life.

Had a moment of weakness. A girlfriend keeps sending thoughts on why to be hurt or angry. I love her dearly for her, but she takes anger as a life mission.  That is just not me. I will choose to love her where she is at, as well as all those in my inner circle or family. Life is too precious and beautiful. I realized this is not helping or healthy... . and told her loved her and appreciated her concern but well it is all good. I guess she is not one to have help with a mindfulness board, right? hehe I didn't even let her know I have one now... .she would probably be angry... .LOL

She has never really liked the things my sbxUBD has done and do appreciate her concern. She is right with much of that, always made excuses for him being ill. She just was too much lately with wanting me to be mad at everyone.

Life is what you make of it. I am choosing joy and gratitude for what I do have. Forgiving, and asking for same in mistakes I made. I do realize I love the people in my life for who they are, don't want to judge where they are at, or what is important to them.

I will honour the relationship and love I had for what it was to me, hope the other person feels that way as well. The person, relationship and friendship was very precious to me, and well am grateful they were in my life. Choosing to let go of any hurt or anger is where I am at. It is a choice and well never really felt that much hurt or anger before ( didn't really last long and shouldn't for me). We had some misunderstandings, and will now choose to look at them as such.  But worked through it, I needed to feel the hurt, and all is good.

Just owed to write here that all of sudden washed over me again yesterday and thought dealt with. Is now, and well sorry for intruding on your thread.

Hope life is now getting beautiful for you and your lovely daughter. I am so glad she has your and your families love. Love is the key, to everything in life. It really transmutes pain, hurt and anger. So glad you can let go of it as well!

As you know health is your first wealth so find yours again. Be well and thanks for letting me stop in your thread. Thanks for your kindness on mine before.

Find your happiness which I know you have and will. There is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path.

[married21years]

  lilyrose

i am doing good, i will be fine i am on top of it all and reducing my weight

becoming healthier all the time.

anger is a secondary emotion used to cover a more painful one.

to deny anger is self defeating. a healthy expression of anger is good!

i will tackle these issues and deal with them just like every other issue and problem in the past.

i am a problem solver and these are no different.

the problem with solving the problems with my ex was that she was a pathological liar.

there for i am a GIGO system. if you put Garbage in you get Garbage out.

i was processing with false data, and for someone so smart at processing and so logical. it made me question my own abilities, further destroying my own self esteem.

only the truth set me free, allowing me to trust my brain again.

normality is restored what ever that is.

i have the strength to look at my self.

no one will ever tell me what to do, how to feel or how to react ever again.

i will never hand over control of myself to someone else ever again.

i will have healthy boundaries. and i will learn that i dont have to please everyone.

dobbie is a free elf dobbie has no master!