How to help "Adult" BPD

[Shell Shocked]

Hi there.  I am back again.   

My daughter turned 18 in June.  We have never had success with counseling for her.  She isn't interested and she is unwilling to go or to give it a chance.  When she was younger we forced the issue and she would just sit there refusing to speak.  I started taking her to a psychiatrist last year and it seemed like it was helping a bit.  Her moods were better for a while - until they got worse and her behavior deteriorated.  The psych was big on counseling and talk therapies (which I really liked) and hesitant to prescribe any meds.  She used to tell me that I was wasting my money and she wasn't going to talk to him.  Basically we got to the point where she was spending the hour playing Uno with him, not talking to him about anything relevant, and I was paying $160 a week out of pocket.  We really couldn't afford this and I finally just stopped the appointments.

Fast forward to now.  She graduated in June - barely... .by the skin of her teeth.  I was pretty much on speed dial with the Guidance office.  She always seemed to pull her grades up in the end and managed to do that this time as well - although we weren't sure she would graduate until the day it happened.  This year she got her first boyfriend and they are terrible for each other.  She did not get accepted to any reasonable college.  (She was accepted to a few private schools but the tuition is astronomical and my husband and I are not willing to put that kind of money out when she is not going to go to class or do the work).  She spends the bulk of her time at the boyfriend's house getting high.  We discovered that she was doing drugs/smoking pot the day before graduation.  She asked if she could mow our lawn for some money and she crashed our lawn tractor.  Never told us about it.  My husband went out to the barn and found that the headlight was smashed, fender dented, and he found her bowl and remnants of marijuana hiding in a compartment near the seat.

She applied to Community College but has not registered for classes.  She got a job but she only works 3 days a week at a local restaurant and usually they call her and tell her not to bother coming in because they are too slow.  I told her that she had the summer to get her act together.  I have done everything I can to help her and try and set her up for success.  Her goals were to save money for a car, get her driver's license, and sign up for classes at the community college.  She has done none of these things.  When she breaks up with her boyfriend she comes home, cries, and gets motivated.  That was when she applied for school.  I took her to get her permit, etc... .  She was excited about going into Hospitality management and being able to travel, etc...   She had a plan for her future that was actually attainable (often she has delusions of grandeur) and we talked through it and I was helping her to take the steps to put it in motion.  She got back together with her boyfriend and then the momentum stopped.  Hasn't followed up on signing up for classes, not saving money, barely working and not looking for another job, etc... .

We have basic rules in our home that she is refusing to follow.  No drug use in my home or drugs anywhere on the property.  Apart from the fact that it is illegal and we do not agree with her usage - we have very young children and just cannot have this here.  To call and let us know if she is not going to be home so we can lock up and go to bed.  Not to take things that do not belong to her.  Starting in September we told her she needs to pay us a weekly amount (that she is not going to be able to afford since she is not working) in order to live here.  We want to teach her that things cost money.  We had planned on putting the money away for her for later.  Also to cover her phone expenses etc... .  She has gotten to the point where she gets mad about a rule/boundary and doesn't like it so she leaves.  She will be gone for a few days and then come home and eat, sleep, leave again.  I feel like we are enabling her despite trying not to.  We want her to have a "soft place to land" and feel like we are here for her - but this coming and going when she pleases is not working. 

I have been monitoring her social media and she posts picture of bongs and risqué pictures of herself.  I am really concerned that she is spiraling down faster and faster.  Her moods are all over the place.  The other day she was home and wearing these shorts where her whole bottom was exposed.  I mean she may as well have not been wearing pants at all.  They weren't just short, she was hanging out of them.  I asked her nicely to please not wear them around the house.  She has younger sisters that don't need to see all her bits and pieces and also my husband and I don't really need to see it either.  She flew into a rage and screamed at me that I was rude and then she called the boyfriend and left for days.  She went through my husband's dresser, took his phone charger, and when he retrieved it and told her it was not acceptable she yelled at him that she lost hers and he has more than one so why doesn't he just give her the extra.  She often shows up with clothes I have never seen and items that she doesn't have money from.  I am concerned that she is stealing - from us, from friends, and possibly even from stores. 

If you made it this far, and thank you for reading, I am wondering for those of you that have been through this.  How successful have you been at "forcing" an adult child to get help or go to counseling.  It never worked when she was younger so I hesitate - but drugs were not a factor then either.  I was thinking of trying to put a condition on her living here that she needs to see someone and get help.  I can't really throw her out as she has no money and nowhere to go.  I am just at a loss.  I do not want her around my younger girls like this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Shell Shocked, welcome back, though sorry why   

From what I have read forcing into treatment may not work. Yesterday I read this article and listened to the video by Dr Cambridge was truly enlightening for me! I'd never heard of Anosognosia  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

My daughter is 28 next week - she spiralled into crisis early last year, at which time she recognised the only way forward was to help herself through treatment, a painful lesson for her to learn - her way, she'd run out of options... .the good is she is now working hard to recover, never say never. She was able to complete her education and qualify ... .before crashing, though it was not a happy time for her.

I have found my daughter can't deal with too many options either (this became apparent over the last two years), she needs help in choosing her goal, keep it simple and provide positive support seems to be working.  Present goal is recovery. I understand no treatment is often seen as an unacceptable option, of course we all want our children in treatment and recovery, for my daughter it came later and in her own time.

If your daughter can't/won't accept treatment at this point can you help her focus on one goal in order to stay home, either education or work inline with your September timeline? And yes to respect the family rules is as said, you have strong personal and family values and boundaries, they will help even if she pushes against, we stay strong. 

If you have not seen have a look at Lollypop's journey with her 25yson who refuses treatment, self medicates. LP's using the skills learnt here to improve communication with her son, walk with him and be the best parent she can, she's allowed him that soft landing with a view to him living independently and being happy in the future, the ultimate goal. I recognise it maybe a jump from where you are, insights to everyone's journeys sure do help us. LP's journey is different to mine, the similarity is we are doing our best to understand our adult children, BPD using the resources here and looking after ourselves first. Not sure if LP agrees, thought I'd say we are both helping our adults 'centre' whether in treatment or not.

You're doing brilliant SS, yes it hurts and is confusing, what next you say? I'm glad you are here, I've learnt more here how to help my daughter than anywhere else.  Over time, my daughter has matured, later than many, to accept her BPD and be responsible. I wish that for you too.



WDx 

[Skye1947]

It sounds like you know what to do.  I have been there and will tell you that other than dbt therapy and medication is a waste of time and money. You need to think of yourself and family.  Hopefully you have friends and family you can talk to that will help you with your decisions.  Good luck and from my experience I say just trust your instincts.

[rationalmind]

So sorry.  I've been away from this board for a while but the other shoe has now dropped on my 19 yo.  Due to her not being willing to follow rules, she no longer lives with us.  Had found and was living with new older boyfriend, seemed to be plugging along, working part time, though at an under the table job.  I suspected her polysubstance abuse was still an issue, but didn't realize how much until I found out from her Dad she asked him for help to get into rehab.  Of course she is now trying to check out but is essentially homeless.  It's so tough, between the addiction and the mental illness--we have had a policy of natural consequences which means my dd doesn't ask for much help, no real advice but just wanted to empathize with you.