New to group, hoping for help and advice

[merrigoround]

Hi Everyone,

I have a daughter, in her early 20's that was diagnosed with BPD very young with symptoms bad enough that she was hospitalized 3 times, went to Menninger Clinic and finally a therapeutic boarding school for two years all before she turned 17.  Of course, before she was 18, they labeled her as having BPD traits.  

Even after all of that, she now refuses to admit she has a problem.  Her view is that she knows more about therapy than any of us and will never go again.  Every once in a while, she'll say she wants to see a psychiatrist but won't attempt to find one around where she now lives. I'll research a doctor myself, but then she won't make an appointment.  She won't go on an antidepressant because they affect her sex life.  I can't even imagine how much pain she must face almost daily.

At 23, almost 24, she is living close by and with her boyfriend.  Though they have lived together since she was 20, the relationship is always up and down as you'd expect.  

The biggest problem we are having now is her horrible jealously, especially of her younger sister who is still living at home and will soon turn 19.  She says horrible things to her which upsets her greatly and then she can't understand why she doesn't always want to do things with her and the cycle repeats itself.  My BPD23 is extremely outspoken and has no filter when it comes to those who are closets.  You can't imagine the things she'll text me or say to me including what a horrible mother I am.  An apology may come that day, a week or never at all.  Of course I talk to her that it is not OK to talk to me that way or say whatever she wants.  It never gets better.

Today she called me furious!  How dare we go on a hike and not include her.  Her sister gets whatever she wants.  And we should have turned down the invitation to go to my sister's beach house because she couldn't go.  She was literally yelling and then hung up.

I'm afraid to fully confront her or make ultimatums.  What would you advice?  Also, are there any new drugs out there that help tone down the symptoms?  She also has anxiety and can lean toward depression.  I appreciate your help in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome to the site! There are many people here in your situation who will be able to help.

"She was diagnosed at a young age and is now 24." How did you manage all those years! That would have been a very long hard time... .

I'm sure as a parent you will care for your daughter for life. Unfortunately she will always have BPD, always make her own decisions, and always be "who she is". You can't stop that.

But perhaps Validation can make it easier for you both. Have you used Validation? There's a lot on this site about it. Validation is a kind of soft confrontation. Lots of understanding, then a little "truth".

Ultimatums are discouraged - they are attempts to control HER. Instead, try Boundaries - they are about YOU. You can read about them on this site too.

How much does her boyfriend know about BPD and techniques to use?

[lbjnltx]

Hi merrigoround,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad to have you join us here.

Seems as though your d24 has forgotten her skills.  Are you aware of the skills she learned at Menningers and the RTC?  Knowing "about therapy" and putting into practice therapeutic skills are not the same thing.  I agree with Arleigh that validation is a good place to start.  Do you have much knowledge about the effects validation can have on your d24 and your relationship with her?

We have some excellent resources for learning about validation.  Here is something to get you started:

Validate the Valid

We also have workshops on validation and will help support you (here on the Parenting Board) as you learn how to validate in specific situations/conversations with your daughter. 

lbj