Teen drinking - I'm tired

[javieira]

Venting... .
After my 18 year old D left for work today, I went into her room just to "survey the scene" as she never leaves her door open.   She is leaving for college on 8/25, and I just wanted to see how much work she had to get done in her room before she left.  I noticed that one of her drawers was open a bit and when I looked inside, I saw a bottle of rum.  It was bout 1/3 empty.  I'm livid.  She has been spiraling for a few months and I'm tired, but this sent me over the edge.  She has now lost all rights to any type of privacy. It is a well-known family rule that we will not tolerate any sort of underage drinking in our house. I am currently taking a break from taking the doors to her room and her closet off of the hinges and emptying the contents of all of her drawers into garbage bags. Room checks are now going to be the new norm. I know that I should be happy for her starting college and should be a little sad to see her go, but honestly I can't be either of those things and at this point I can't wait for 8/25 to get here just so we can have a break from her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

Boy, I hear you.  My daughter leaves for college on 8/21 and we are dealing with the fact that she quit her job to find an on campus job (we live in the same town as the college but she will be living in the dorms) and the on campus job hasn't started.  Last night she slept over at a new friend's house and this friend is a college student who lives in off campus housing.  I am having a hard time letting go.  Plus, my husband and I tend to fight over this so I put him in charge of curfew issue.  She still hasn't come home from last night and my husband is currently on the search, sort of... .we will call the police once she is missing for 24 hours although that has never happened before so we will see.

I guess we are supposed to approach all of this with love and concern.  I tell myself that in less than 2 weeks I really won't know what is going on.  Unless she gets kicked out and has to come back home. 

[lbjnltx]

Hello javiera

What a mess.  What happened when your d18 came home to find her doors off and her possessions in bags?

It is really difficult to not react in the moment when we are angry (fearful).  Have you been able to talk to your d about your concerns?

lbj

[javieira]

 We know that our kids will go to college and experiment, we are not naive and we expect that it will happen and don't really have a problem with it; it's part of the growing process. All of our children (1 BPD, 2 non-BPD), have ALWAYS known that our tolerance for drinking in our house is absolute zero. They have also known that they would lose all rights to privacy if we found out that they were drinking or doing drugs while at home.  When D came home, she was angry (understandable). She tried to deny that the alcohol was hers, but eventually (in a roundabout way) confessed that it was alcohol and was in her room and she did know where it came from (just refused to admit how it got into her room or how long it was there). We reviewed house rules, expectations, and consequences.  She totally shut down about 30 seconds into it. Of course we were accused of having favorites, of picking on her, of being horrible parents who wanted to see her fail, etc.  She ran off a string of obscenities that would make a sailor blush. She stormed upstairs and began dumping bags full of her belongings onto our bedroom floor stating that "it wasn't her stuff because her stuff was in drawers, not bags". We asked her to pick it up and she refused and kept repeating over and over again, " Just call the cops. Send me to jail. Call the cops."  We asked why she was saying that. Did she WANT to go to jail? Her response was that she didn't want her to go, but that we wanted her to go (untrue). We tried to lay out a plan to put her room back in order and regain some privacy, but she refused to talk or listen. The following day, she emptied her room of nearly everything she owns except for the clothes and supplies she needs for college. She carried out 20 garbage bags full of stuff. When I asked her what she was doing, she said that she was getting rid of everything that won't fit into her dorm. Black and white thinking to the max... .not a touch of gray in her mind! Sigh.

[Gorges]

Hi there,
I was typing the reply below while you were typing.  I just read your response.  Hey look on the bright side, my daughter is supposed to be cleaning up her room and throwing out all the stuff she doesn't need!  Instead she is spending way too much time out of the house at all of her friends' houses.

Here is my response that I was typing while you were typing:

My daughter has finally responded and is safe and at her friend's house.    I have thought of everything I can take away (not much, cell phone, kick her out) but then now I have taken the communication method away and she will go into war mode.  Then I thought "well she isn't busy enough" so I thought about all the chores and productive things I could make her do.

My husband is being very calm and will talk more about this with her but he pointed out with 10 days left (funny he must be counting) and she already found a new job it was probably not best for the relationship for to start boxing her in a corner.

My daughter is extremely oppositional.  I think consequences are necessary for her to see how the real world works, but they almost never get my daughter to do what we want.

If we go into war mode we won't know about her friends (she has told me where they live and who they are, they are new from her summer job) and we won't there to guide her. Plus it is so exhausting to be in that mode.  But very uncomfortable and unfamiliar to let this go... .

I have given her the bottom line about any abuse and she is out.  Maybe she is spending a lot of time away because she doesn't want to be abusive? Her new friends are all college age and live in off campus housing without parents, so she probably likes being with them.  At least we do have peace in our home especially if she is in contact with us via her cell phone.

I know you don't want underage drinking in your house.  However, what are your real fears? Do you think she has a drinking problem? Is it that she disrespected your rules? Try to stay calm (something that I am really bad at), remember that she will be exposed to lots of alcohol in college.  Maybe she wanted to try it out at home?  It is great that she is working and that she is going to college.  Sorry she screwed up... .

[javieira]

Gorges-
My real fears? It's not so much that she tries alcohol, but that is always a worry for me due to her meds. The real worry is that she flat-out stole the bottle of alcohol from our liquor cabinet and has been drinking it alone, in her room, in my house. She's an "adult" and what she does outside of my house is all on her, but the moment she brings it under my roof is a different story.  All of this is in addition to many, many other issues that we have had over the course of the last few months since she turned 18 and has begun weaning off of her meds (her choice, definitely not ours!). She is down to 1 med (Lamicil) which she has been on for about 4 years, but which has always been the least effective med for her, which is why she was also put on Topomax and Latuda (and unfortunately no longer are taking). I can overlook A LOT of things and not engage with her, but this one sent me over the edge.

[Skye1947]

Sounds like a plan.  Good for you.