Dumped/abandoned by the love of my life [Part 4]

[pjstock42]

Sorry to bump this old thread but felt like venting a bit and didn't want to make a new topic.

I had the realization yesterday that if my BPD ex never got this job back in the city, we would probably still be living together & I'd still be thinking that everything was great. Much of this discard was due to the fact that I was no longer convenient for her which apparently was more important than the "everlasting love" that was always being dangled in front of me.

It's almost like she always knew that this arrangement had an expiration date on it in her head yet did everything possible to obscure this knowledge from me and string me along. It's so weird to think that if she still had the original job that caused us to move out here, we would probably still be together just as a matter of necessity for her.

It blows my mind how sick and twisted a person has to be to put me through what she's done to me. I sometimes think... .What if I had been the one to convince her to move to a place way out of the way for her but a 10 minute walk from my office? What if I jointly signed a 1 year lease with her then 2 months in, with no warning & no justification - I just left her behind there to sort it out for herself? This is something that I couldn't even do to a random roommate that I met on craigslist, so doing it to someone who you claim to "love" so much will never be something that I understand. In the end, I'm just left feeling violated and taken advantage of, not just because of this aforementioned apartment stuff but mainly because of the sudden discard and all of the emotional pain that has come with it. Never did I once think that I was just a disposable asset to her so to find out the hard way that this is all I was, that will take me a long time to accept.

Mod Note- See also:
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

[fromheeltoheal]

It's almost like she always knew that this arrangement had an expiration date on it in her head yet did everything possible to obscure this knowledge from me and string me along.

So with a little time and distance pj, in hindsight do you see some signs that you missed at the time?

[pjstock42]

So with a little time and distance pj, in hindsight do you see some signs that you missed at the time?

Yes and no. There honestly were no signs that indicated anything being tenuous with the relationship even though for the last month she was planning her discard and lying to me about it, because I didn't find this out until after the fact. The thing I've been thinking about more lately are just the red flags about her as a person that I swept under the rug due to being blinded by infatuation and supposed "love". There were no indications that she was going to be just randomly leaving me, never to be seen again - as I've said before, she was telling me up and down how much she loved me until hours before the discard happened. When I trust someone, I take what they have to say at face value and never think that they're plotting against me as I think living in a constant state of paranoia like that would be pretty uncomfortable. I mostly just feel like I got scammed and I'm pretty embarrassed / ashamed of myself for having allowed my life to get to this point due to getting close to a very low quality person.

[fromheeltoheal]

The thing I've been thinking about more lately are just the red flags about her as a person that I swept under the rug due to being blinded by infatuation and supposed "love".

And digging there, as a focus, does two things: one, you will likely learn things about yourself and why you mistook supposed love for real love, what effect that infatuation had on you and why, and why you were blinded, and two, it shifts the focus from her to you, a necessary part of detachment.

When I trust someone, I take what they have to say at face value and never think that they're plotting against me as I think living in a constant state of paranoia like that would be pretty uncomfortable.

You might also consider the possibility that she wasn't plotting against you, she was plotting for herself.  Borderlines are hypersensitive to abandonment or perceived abandonment, and make interpretations that may or may not have anything to do with reality, it's a mental illness after all, and if she got it in her head that her attachment to you was in danger, for whatever reason, she flopped into survival mode and acted in what she thought was her best interest.

Of course sitting down and having a heart to heart conversation rife with mutual honestly, openness and vulnerability would have been ideal, a borderline may not be capable of that for their own reasons, and the value for us lies in identifying any roadblocks to that kind of discourse that we may have.

[drained1996]

PJ,

I'm going to throw an alternative your way.  What if you're wrong about her being calculating?  What if... .she really thought she could make it work... .
What if, she just cracked under the pressure of holding up when she got so close to you emotionally?  What if she left because she knew she was about to unload upon you what many of us suffered through, and she left to save herself from the shame that would cause her?
What if her sister was the straw that broke the camels back... .telling her she was going to screw it up that she better leave now or history would repeat itself?  
And really, in the overall scheme of things... .what does any of that matter?  She left, it hurts like hell... .that's a fact that we are all so sorry you're having to deal with.  I don't think heeltoheal was asking if you saw signs she was leaving, I think that question was about red flags in general.  You've noted and understand those red flags, but you seem hung up on HOW this happened and it's circumstances.  To me the how is much less important than the why.  The answer to the why you already know.  She suffers from a severe mental illness.  Now it seems you're trying to understand the thoughts and actions and feelings of someone who you logically know... .does not think, act, or feel in a logical manner.  
I feel your pain PJ, trying to understand took me to depths in life I never want to see again.  This isn't about her anymore, she's gone, and for your sake I hope it's forever.  This is all about YOU.  Try to let go of the how... .and think about the why that you already know the answer to... .
The only way you could've been in control of the how... .was to understand the red flags and react properly.  I have complete confidence you will not have that issue going forward in life.  
It does get better PJ!  

[rfriesen]

It's almost like she always knew that this arrangement had an expiration date on it in her head yet did everything possible to obscure this knowledge from me and string me along. 

What if she was also doing everything possible to obscure this knowledge from herself? Your anger and your venting are perfectly healthy and normal. And I can understand feeling you were caught up in a cruel plot. It's possible that - in a different way, and maybe to a different extent - your ex was too. Maybe on some level she told you everything about her past relationships, how she left so suddenly, etc, because she thought maybe if she put everything on the table, you would figure out a way to save her this time, to make it all work out. Of course, this was, in hindsight, an impossible/unfair test and one that you were bound to fail. So you feel "set up". But don't you think that at the beginning of the relationship, your ex had some hope too? That she wanted to "believe in love"? The alternative -- that she gets her kicks from setting people up, acting out a twisted fake fantasy for months or years on end, and then waits for the perfect moment to crush her prey ... .it's tempting to belive when we've been hurt so badly, but it would put your ex in a whole other world of mental illness from BPD.

There honestly were no signs that indicated anything being tenuous with the relationship even though for the last month she was planning her discard and lying to me about it, because I didn't find this out until after the fact.

What about the previous time she told you she was leaving the relationship and you talked her back? You also described how at some point after that attempted break-up she mocked you for crying too much about it. What about all the information she gave you early on about how she had in the past moved out on her partners with no warning? What about the fact that you didn't explore that information with her? Not even when she first tried to end the relationship? In hindsight, did that information hang over the relationship, unspoken? And if not, if you simply repressed or forgot about it, is that a red flag of your own?

I don't mean to pile on, PJ. I know the feelings you're going through all too well and I know it's miserable. I hope just to gently nudge you on some of the things you've mentioned before.

[woundedPhoenix]

It's almost like she always knew that this arrangement had an expiration date on it in her head yet did everything possible to obscure this knowledge from me and string me along. It's so weird to think that if she still had the original job that caused us to move out here, we would probably still be together just as a matter of necessity for her.

I think they are actually so confused... .they don't know what they want... .and maybe that uncertainty propels them in the end to just make a pre-emptive strike, to escape that state of uncertainty.

[rfriesen]

I think they are actually so confused... .they don't know what they want... .and maybe that uncertainty propels them in the end to just make a pre-emptive strike, to escape that state of uncertainty.

This is what my ex even told me straight out, more than once. "I've always been quick on the draw, and if I think you're going to hurt me, I'll hurt you first." To her credit, she said this to me during our reconciliations, by way of explaining her hurtful actions. She could be very perceptive and honest about what she felt and did. She said she didn't want to change, though, and that I had to just accept that she was "a fiery girl". Well, there were limits to what I could accept.

It often feels like deliberate manipulation, and probably there is usually some of that too. But I agree with woundedPhoenix that pwBPD are typically torn in anguish from uncertainty and fear and lash out or run away in order to escape that anguish. Sure doesn't make it any easier for us to process, but it means it's not a carefully crafted machiavellian plan on their part.

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

I agree that I don't think I was the victim of some carefully constructed plot to destroy me, even though it does feel like that sometimes. More than anything, I think that she was basically selling me a bill of goods that she knew she couldn't live up to, without ever cautioning me that outright about this risk. You make good points in the things you brought up that happened and while I haven't forgotten about those, I suppose I have been glossing over them due to how things were so generally positive right up until the end.

In regards to what I now know to be the first "discard attempt", I suppose I never even really saw that as a red flag because I put that one all on myself. Even though I hadn't changed anything about who I was or how I lived my day to day life, I for some reason really believed her when she said that there were all of these bad things with our relationship since moving in together. Part of this is because I had never lived with a girlfriend before and I knew in my head that there would probably be a learning curve to perfecting this new type of living arrangement. Even though I now realize that most of the accusations she made at this time were either baseless or wildly exaggerated, I internalized that entire ordeal at the time and was almost thankful for it because to me it was a wakeup call that I needed in order to be the best partner that I could for her. I had told her when we moved in to please understand that it would take some getting used to for me so I was already in a bit of a vulnerable state, leading me to blame myself for all of the issues she brought up and also to try so hard to make things better which I thought I had accomplished.

She not only mocked me for crying after this but also told me that I was "putting on a show" to manipulate her and yes, this was definitely unacceptable behavior and something that I hadn't thought of much lately but you make a good point. On the topic of the ending of previous relationships, this stuff definitely did go undiscussed and was always just kind of floating out there. When I think about the red flags that I either didn't notice or chose to ignore, I can say with certainty that 95% of them were brought up within the first 1/2 months of the relationship. I'm wondering if this was by design because at that time, the infatuation and love-bombing was so incredibly intoxicating that she probably could have told me she was a serial killer and I wouldn't have cared because I was so caught up in it all. I'm not saying this as an excuse and it's something that I need to be more cognizant of in the future for sure, just trying to explain to you and even to myself why these things seemed like such non-issues at the time that weren't even worth exploring through conversation.

drained,

Her sister was absolutely a catalyst in this and there were many red flags there as well. She told me about how her sister never liked any of her boyfriends but she "really liked me" (based on the one time we spoke for 30 minutes). I was never allowed to communicate with her sister and this was because there was constant triangulation going on and it was easy for her to manage because this person lived on the other side of the planet. I know what you mean about trying to apply logic and reason to someone who doesn't think logically and that is something that I need to work through. It's really hard to accept this when such a big part of me remembers all of the deep and thoughtful conversations that we had and how I really believed that she was truly a rational and logical person.

Thanks for your comments everyone. I'm stuck in this constant loop of one good day followed by 3 bad days and it is incredibly draining as I'm sure many of you know. Every single night I struggle to fall asleep, then wake up at 3am and spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling thinking about all of this until my alarm goes off. It may sound stupid but my dream right now is to go one entire day and then realize as I'm about to go to sleep that I didn't once spend any time thinking about this. Right now this seems like an impossibility but I'll continue to hope that it will come to fruition someday.

[drained1996]

"It may sound stupid but my dream right now is to go one entire day and then realize as I'm about to go to sleep that I didn't once spend any time thinking about this."

Nothing anyone says here sounds stupid so shake that off!   Most if not all of us have been almost exactly where you are with many of the same feelings and issues in our own process.  It will get better my friend.  Just keep moving, you'll be just fine... .we promise.   

[drained1996]

"It's really hard to accept this when such a big part of me remembers all of the deep and thoughtful conversations that we had and how I really believed that she was truly a rational and logical person."

BPD's are capable of talking deep and having thoughtful conversations.
It's when they begin to actually experience and feel things that life goes haywire.  That's my experience anyway, like you, my pwBPD and I had plenty of deep thoughtful conversations.  Words are not actions or feelings though... .

[pjstock42]

"It's really hard to accept this when such a big part of me remembers all of the deep and thoughtful conversations that we had and how I really believed that she was truly a rational and logical person."

BPD's are capable of talking deep and having thoughtful conversations.
It's when they begin to actually experience and feel things that life goes haywire.  That's my experience anyway, like you, my pwBPD and I had plenty of deep thoughtful conversations.  Words are not actions or feelings though... .

This is where the constant mental gymnastics of trying to reconcile her words with her actions comes in and I'm sure you know how that is. Before this, I always just assumed that people's words and actions work together in harmony as this is how I conduct my life and how I would expect someone close to me to as well.

I did some more writing tonight and ended up penning 5 pages before putting down the notebook because my wrist is sore. I made it up until the day of the final discard and man, even though I've been reliving these memories constantly for a month and a half, writing them down was still a very emotional experience. I still don't know if this exercise of creating a written account of my story will provide any benefits but I have committed to seeing it through with the hopes that I'll one day be able to read this and analyze the situation from a totally objective point of view with no emotions involved.

[fromheeltoheal]

I still don't know if this exercise of creating a written account of my story will provide any benefits but I have committed to seeing it through with the hopes that I'll one day be able to read this and analyze the situation from a totally objective point of view with no emotions involved.

It does provide benefit.  Or at least, the acts of writing something down on paper and then reading it back is a very different experience that the same thoughts running around your head, plus the stuff sitting there on the paper, separate from you, can provide that disconnect you speak of.

You can use the writing to practice the objective thing too, by reading it, experiencing the emotions, but not being the emotions, standing a little aside from them, a little easier when they're on paper and not in your head, and reading it over and over can take it's power away too.

[rfriesen]

It may sound stupid but my dream right now is to go one entire day and then realize as I'm about to go to sleep that I didn't once spend any time thinking about this. Right now this seems like an impossibility but I'll continue to hope that it will come to fruition someday.

As drained says, nothing stupid here at all and, not only can I say I've been there, but honestly I'm also still waiting for that day when I won't have thought of my ex once. As I'm sure you've heard many times by now, timelines are very individual things and you'll find yourself taking steps forward and steps backward at your own pace. But, for what it's worth, I'm just about five months out from the final break-up and I have never yet come close to a full day without invasive thoughts of my ex. In fact, unless I'm in conversation with other people or really concentrating on some specific task, my mind inevitably goes there. If I'm just walking or biking somewhere or out for a run or anything like that, I'm lucky to go a few minutes without thinking of my ex. After five months.

If two years ago anyone had told me what I'm now telling you, I would have thought that's crazy, or stupid, or pathetic. How can a person (in his late 30s!) be so obsessed with one failed relationship that was stable and happy for at best 8 months, followed by almost a year of drama? Well, now I know.

At some point, maybe two or three months ago, I just accepted that it's something I'm living with right now and that I'll apparently be living with for the next while. That was liberating, to an extent. I stopped trying to fight off the invasive thoughts so much. I realised I could get on with my work and life even if I was often distracted. I gave myself some slack for being so obsessed. What could I do to help it anyway? And gradually the emotions became less painful and really bad days less frequent, and less bad. And I started having good days again, and enjoying things I used to enjoy, at work and socially and exercising.

I can promise you that time makes a huge difference, even if it happens painfully slowly and with plenty of days when you feel you're being thrown back in your progress. And the nature of my thoughts has changed too -- they still involve my ex, but more and the focus turned to our relationship dynamics as a whole (not just everything that hurt me about my ex and her actions) and then to me and my own behaviour and just trying to make sense of what it is I want out of a relationship and life. We're brought up in such particular circumstances (specific time in history, place on earth, culture, individual family, etc) and that shapes all our thinking about relationships and what we should get out of them. Some days now I feel I'm rethinking intimate relationships from the ground up and it's really disorienting. But I appreciate that too -- it's as though the pain of this relationship has blown my mind wide open and forced me to rethink everything about finding a life partner, and just understanding myself.

I don't know - this post has gone off the rails a little. I just wanted to say that I understand the obsessive thoughts and how draining they are, and how heavenly it sounds to go a whole day free from them. But, since they weren't going away anytime quickly, I found it helped to accept that fact, try to live with them for now, and then use them to start thinking about how downright weird and disorienting the whole experience has been. It's helped me take a bit of emotional distance from the thoughts and become genuinely curious about how strange life feels right now.

I hope this post isn't too strange itself!

[pjstock42]

If two years ago anyone had told me what I'm now telling you, I would have thought that's crazy, or stupid, or pathetic. How can a person (in his late 30s!) be so obsessed with one failed relationship that was stable and happy for at best 8 months, followed by almost a year of drama? Well, now I know.

At some point, maybe two or three months ago, I just accepted that it's something I'm living with right now and that I'll apparently be living with for the next while.

Your post wasn't strange at all, thank you for sharing your experience.

I agree with both of your points quoted above. I often find that a lot of the turmoil from this comes from my own shame at having allowed myself to let someone have such an effect on me and I think that's just my pride being deeply wounded. Like you said, if someone was telling me my own story to me a few years ago, I would think how pathetic it is that someone could be so weak because I had no idea that things could be like this.

Directly before this experience, I was in a 6 year relationship but there was one key difference with that one. With that person, I always had a "one foot in one foot out" approach because even though it went on for so long, something always seemed to be a bit off so I walled off certain parts of my subconscious to avoid being hurt if and when it were to end. I don't know if this was fair to the other person but it was a defense mechanism that I always believed that I needed to have to prevent myself from, well, feeling like I do right now. The messed up thing about this is that during one of the deep conversations that I had with my ex early on was about this very subject and I told her how I always had these defense mechanisms built up to protect myself in relationships. She told me how I would need to break those down if I ever wanted to experience real love & I believed her and then just did that. I had 0 "fall back" plans with her, in fact the mere idea that something would happen between us and we wouldn't be together forever seemed like such an impossibility to me until it actually happened. It's almost like I had abstained from heroin from my whole life and then was peer pressured into taking it by someone, only for them to rip away my supply with no warning and leave me to recover cold turkey on my own (sorry if that's an odd analogy).

I've done the same, to an extent, in terms of accepting that this is just how things are going to be for a while. I think for at least a month I have not suppressed any of my feelings at all which while I keep reading is supposed to be a good thing, I hate how I am in a constant state of emotional imbalance because of it. My ex was on a constant emotional roller coaster, either at the highest of highs with over the top silly behavior or sobbing uncontrollably over the smallest of things. She would always tell me how much she appreciated my "calming presence" and emotional stability yet that is something that her actions have completely destroyed even if this is just (hopefully) a temporary state.

I know that I'm not just going to wake up one day and be better from this. I know there will be many more bad days to come, much more self-doubt / confusion and that my self-confidence will take a long time to be built back to where it used to be. I'm always thankful that you and others here know exactly what I'm saying with this stuff as I have no idea how I'd be managing this on my own without a group of people who have been through this same situation.

[rfriesen]

The messed up thing about this is that during one of the deep conversations that I had with my ex early on was about this very subject and I told her how I always had these defense mechanisms built up to protect myself in relationships. She told me how I would need to break those down if I ever wanted to experience real love & I believed her and then just did that.

My ex did the same kind of thing with me. It certainly feels messed up after the fact. But it's also understandable, psychologically. My ex's greatest fear and source of anxiety was always that I might be holding some part of me back, that I might retain my independence, that I might have strong attachments to other people (and I don't even mean romantic attachments -- she wanted to know everything about every attachment, to reassure herself she was "on the inside" of everything, so to speak). Of course, it's unhealthy to undermine your partner's independence like that, but I think she just sensed that any source of independence for me opened the possibility that I would walk away if the relationship got too hard. She wanted, she needed, to close off that possibility at all costs.

Never having had any experience in a romantic relationship like this, I felt sure of one thing above all: if my ex was so incredibly desperate to make sure I stayed, then she would never leave the relationship herself. Sounds like you had the same feeling? When I realised she was capable of doing things to completely sabotage the relationship, it shocked me. I mean it really shook me to my core. She would suddenly cut me out for a weekend or go looking for another guy, or whatever. Then she would beg to come back and rationalise everything. So it wasn't quite the same as your ex who just disappeared, but a similar shock to my system when I realised my ex was ready to destroy the very relationship she seemed so desperate for.

She was an expert in breaking down all my boundaries and really drew me in, only to shock me with how ready she could suddenly become to throw it all away. Sounds similar in some ways to your experience?

My ex was on a constant emotional roller coaster, either at the highest of highs with over the top silly behavior or sobbing uncontrollably over the smallest of things. She would always tell me how much she appreciated my "calming presence" and emotional stability yet that is something that her actions have completely destroyed even if this is just (hopefully) a temporary state.

Same here. In hindsight, I find it so perplexing that I didn't step away (at least from the romantic side of the relationship) when I first started witnessing her roller coaster. Somehow I let it all slide because she had just cancelled her wedding or had just had a difficult time with her mom or had just been unfairly attacked by her sister or ... .or whatever other reason was in play at any given time. I sure missed a lot of red flags there. And my ego was definitely built up by being the one person she absolutely needed, the one she depended on and loved to the very core of her being. Which was all true at the time, I still believe. I just don't know how I chose to be so blind to the very obvious fact that her core was so unstable.

I have no idea how I'd be managing this on my own without a group of people who have been through this same situation.

I feel the exact same way.

[pjstock42]

I suppose that I am "painting her black" but the thing is, if we were still together I would be sweeping all of her issues / negatives under the rug and would have continued to love her more than anything and give her everything she wants forever. I think that when I was with her, I was "painting her white" and just ignoring all of the bad things and now the only healthy thing for me seems to be doing the opposite of that so that I don't sit around thinking there is this amazing girl out there who I love and miss and need to get back. She is an incredibly cold-hearted person but even though I've seen this firsthand, my mind still has a tough time fully accepting it because there was so much time where she was caring, supportive, loving etc.

Still staying NC despite today being her birthday and it being very tempting to reach out to her. I really hope you're right about this all being a distant memory in time.

[rfriesen]

Hey PJ,
I can imagine how hard it is not reaching out when it's her birthday. Days like that can be a real struggle.

I suppose that I am "painting her black" but the thing is, if we were still together I would be sweeping all of her issues / negatives under the rug and would have continued to love her more than anything and give her everything she wants forever. I think that when I was with her, I was "painting her white" and just ignoring all of the bad things and now the only healthy thing for me seems to be doing the opposite of that so that I don't sit around thinking there is this amazing girl out there who I love and miss and need to get back.

We all do things like this to some extent. But it's a striking feature of these kinds of relationships how far we'll go to brush aside the bad ... .until it all kind of hits home and then we typically can't help going through a phase of painting black ourselves. That's normal and it will slowly fade as you get a more balanced picture of your ex. But it does give us food for thought. If we need to "paint white" to make a relationship work, or "paint black" to move on, then it means we're not ready to take a balanced look at the other person and the relationship as a whole. That can leave us with real blind spots about ourselves and our relationship dynamics. I think a healthy relationship is one where both partners feel safe addressing any troubling issues as they arise, so that there's a minimum of brushing things under the rug. Just something to think about as we move forward in relationships.

She is an incredibly cold-hearted person but even though I've seen this firsthand, my mind still has a tough time fully accepting it because there was so much time where she was caring, supportive, loving etc.

So she's a complicated person with conflicting sides to her personality? We all are to some extent, but pwBPD have tremendous difficulty bringing those sides into balance, so we typically see the most amazing side of them ... .until the idealisation phase inevitably hits reality, and then we see more and more of Mr. Hyde. The end result for us is usually that our heads are spinning because we also can't bring the different sides of them together. We're left incredibly hurt and angry by their cruel side ... .while still in love with their sweet side.

Painting black can help us gain some distance and emotional separation. But to really process the emotional aftermath and move on feeling safe and comfortable with ourselves and our intimate relationships, it's helpful to see the full complexity of the relationship as well. And it's important to remember that in future relationships. If we're painting someone white and scared to bring up issues that could break the idealisation phase, then we're setting ourselves up for a fragile relationship, one that involves a lot of pressure to maintain idealisation.

[pjstock42]

If we're painting someone white and scared to bring up issues that could break the idealisation phase, then we're setting ourselves up for a fragile relationship, one that involves a lot of pressure to maintain idealisation.

That is such a good point and I was guilty of doing exactly this so many times with my BPD ex. I felt like I always had to "pick my battles" in terms of what things to confront her about and so many of the larger issues were just hidden away because I knew that it would make her incredibly upset to talk about whatever it was and that would in turn cut off the love-bombing / idealization that I had become so addicted to. Her constant praise/adoration of me was a toxic drug that I couldn't get enough of and it seemed like much of the relationship for me revolved around how I could continue to be on the receiving end of that, totally ignoring red flags and not even really seeing the big picture of the relationship in general, just focusing on how to get my daily fix of that high. This mindset combined with the general infatuation that I was experiencing was clearly not a good foundation for a long lasting relationship.

This is totally off-topic but I did realize something today that played into this habit of mine to push aside issues and overlook things, even though it has nothing to do with her being a pwBPD. I feel stupid even saying this because it probably makes me sound weak and superficial but I think it had a role in this too. So basically, this girl looked like a supermodel, like genuinely just an incredibly beautiful woman and I think my own insecurities played a big role in terms of thinking that I had to be ok with many of these issues because I was lucky just to be with someone that was so attractive. Like I said, this has nothing to do with BPD but I think it was something that accelerated my willingness to ignore red flags and sweep issues under the rug if that makes sense.

Anyway, today actually wasn't too difficult for me and I've successfully added another day to my streak of no contact. I spent a lot of time in the past few weeks preparing myself for today so I think that helped and in the end, it just felt like another normal day with the same ups and downs that I have become accustomed to as part of this healing process. I'm really just rambling about random things now so apologies if this is boring to read but I did want to mention something on the topics of relationships in general. As I've mentioned before in one of these topics, this ~1.5 months of being single is the longest time in my life that I haven't had a girlfriend for the past 9/10 years which is of course making things even more difficult for me as I never gave myself the chance to get used to being single. I've only been in 3 relationships during this time span but they were all obviously long term and they were all one right after another. Although I don't have any abandonment issues arising from my childhood, I almost feel like I created my own fear of being alone simply because I've spent the entire prime of my life being in monogamous relationships. I don't know why but the concept of being single bothers me and is something that I really want to learn to be ok with. A few weeks after the discard, I signed up for a bunch of dating sites and it ended up being a terrible idea so last night I deactivated all of my accounts as it was not a healthy thing for me to be a part of right now. I no longer want to be "seeking" a relationship and even though it's something that I want, I'm trying to convince myself to accept the fact that it cannot be forced and it will happen if it is meant to happen.

Through my own actions, I've learned to place a significant amount of my own validation and self worth into being in a relationship and having a significant other. It's funny because from an objective point of view, this is never the kind of person that I wanted to be. Even if you asked me about this while I was in one of these relationships, I still would have said that I want these things to come from within, just taking for granted that I was placing all of this in the hands of a partner because I was so accustomed to having this in my life. Perhaps the emotional rock bottom that I've hit from having involved myself with a pwBPD was the real wake up call that I needed in order to finally have some time on my own and learn about my own insecurities/weaknesses/vulnerabilities etc. because she sure made all of them come to the surface in a very traumatizing manner. As painful as this whole process has been and will continue to be, I still believe that there will be some kind of positive to come from it and I will continue to focus on that as I move through this. If I can use this time on my own to truly become a person who achieves validation from within and fully understands my own vulnerabilities/weaknesses, I believe that I will become an even better partner for someone in the future if that is something that happens in my life.

[rfriesen]

Her constant praise/adoration of me was a toxic drug that I couldn't get enough of and it seemed like much of the relationship for me revolved around how I could continue to be on the receiving end of that, totally ignoring red flags and not even really seeing the big picture of the relationship in general, just focusing on how to get my daily fix of that high.

Man, I can really relate to this. By the end, I knew I was actively trying to block out the big picture, just to have one last good day. Then just one more. And one more. Really like an addiction - I knew I had to get out of the situation, but I would go to so much effort to put off the pain and try to recreate the highs just a little longer.

A few weeks after the discard, I signed up for a bunch of dating sites and it ended up being a terrible idea so last night I deactivated all of my accounts as it was not a healthy thing for me to be a part of right now. I no longer want to be "seeking" a relationship and even though it's something that I want, I'm trying to convince myself to accept the fact that it cannot be forced and it will happen if it is meant to happen.

After my relationship with my ex ended, I found it VERY hard to sit with the emotions, while knowing she was already dating and out trying to forget everything with new partners. I needed something to fill that need for the highs she used to supply. But the more we're able to face the emotions without blocking them out through a new fix, the more power and strength we feel coming back to us (or maybe coming to us for the first time). Because we no longer allow our emotions and momentary feelings to push us around, to get the same response out of us every time. It doesn't mean we'll never let ourselves go and lose ourselves in emotions and feelings again, but it gives us that confidence that we're able to step back from an unhealthy situation and control how we act, even in the face of unpleasant or painful emotions.

I feel this whole process is really powerful training in not brushing things under the rug, in being able to bring up and discuss uncomfortable issues -- not in a confrontational or emotional manner, but calmly and confidently. And I don't mean just with significant others, but with family, co-workers, whoever ... .maybe most important, alone with ourselves.

It's great to hear you were having a better day yesterday Those are the days that let us see we're heading in the right direction and that we won't let the next bad day take us off track. I hope today is a good one for you too!

[pjstock42]

Hi rfriesen,

I was actually just making a post when I saw that you had posted and well, unfortunately, today is not a good day at all. I woke up feeling fine, made plans for the day, just seemed normal. I made a drive to go get lunch somewhere and everything was good but on the way back home something hit me. I knew right away that I had to get home and be by myself because I was going to cry. As someone who before all of this had cried probably once in ~15 years, it's hard to describe how much I hate when I can tell that this is going to happen. The sad thing is, it has become such a normal thing over the past 1/2 months that I can instantly tell when this stuff is going on and I think to myself "yep, I'm going to have to cry soon".

I hate that this has become such a recurring event for me. On days like today, which seem to be most days at this point, I hate being around myself. I feel so lost, so hopeless, like nothing matters. I know these things to be untrue from a logical standpoint but my emotions continue to win out 95% of the time with this. I feel like the only good days I have (like yesterday) require me to over-exert myself so much just to be positive that when it's over, I'm completely exhausted and for the next few days I have 0 energy to pull myself out of all of this negativity. It's a vicious cycle and I'm incredibly sick of it, I just want it to end and more than anything I just want my emotional stability back but I feel like it's been robbed from me and I don't know how to rediscover it. I can't find joy in anything, I can't focus on anything and just having to live with myself on days like this is such a draining experience.

Sometimes I wonder if all of these issues have been inside of me but I have been able to cover them up with the security blanket of being with my BPD ex. Being able to run to her for that love-bombing & validation was so easy and seemingly super efficient because it really did make me feel better about everything, even if that was just my perception and not reality. Being in this depressed mindset is not something I'm used to and not having a clear path out of this is a great source of stress for me. My solution to feeling down was always to go to her with my issues and now, not only do I not have that option available to me, the person who I would always run to in order to feel better is the one who made me feel like this in the first place and it's really hard to reconcile that in my brain.

Sorry to be a downer, just feeling such an incredibly overwhelming sense of negativity and hopelessness today.

[rfriesen]

Hi PJ,

I'm sorry to hear today is a bad day. It's hard when we feel we might be coming out of those sinking feelings, only to be thrown back. I've been there many, many times. And I expect bad days again. Over time, the cycle does get better. You're going through it now and it's miserable. But the only way out is through.

I hate that this has become such a recurring event for me. On days like today, which seem to be most days at this point, I hate being around myself.

I understand this feeling too. One thing I've mentioned a few times, and I'm not sure how helpful it is -- but at some point, I just accepted that I wouldn't really feel great about myself for a while. That was a huge adjustment for me, as I'd always kind of prided myself on being a happy person and feeling good around myself, enjoying solitude. But I had to accept that I didn't like what I had made of myself over the course of my relationship with my ex. Yes, for sure there were things that she had done that were absolutely uncalled for, that hurt me deeply, and that I did not deserve to have done to me. I'm not taking responsibility for the ways she lashed out at me. She has her own emotional issues to face and that's on her. But I had given up so much of my self-esteem and self-respect and my focus to managing the relationship. I had started walking on eggshells around her. I had started hiding things from her -- things that should have been harmless and nothing to hide (e.g. I talked to a female friend on the phone) -- but that I started being "careful" about, always wondering if and how to answer my ex's questions if it came up. I don't like that I acted that way. It doesn't fit at all with the image I like to have of myself. Yes, I was responding to my ex's behaviours, but it was my choice to act that way, instead of drawing appropriate boundaries and speaking to my ex from a place of strength and honesty from within my boundaries.

My ex brought a lot of my weaknesses to the surface. And then she suddenly she was gone and I didn't have those intense highs to soothe the feelings of insecurity and weakness. And I didn't recognise myself -- I don't think of myself as weak or insecure at all. So I really wanted to push that recognition away. I think partly because the relationship had programmed me to try to hold onto those highs that made me feel invincible. But that was all dependent on my ex being there to pour that adoration and love on me. She had this incredible gift for internalising exactly how I saw myself when I was feeling great about myself, and then mirroring that right back at me. It made for a powerful connection, but it was as though I had handed over to her all the power to make me see myself in that light.

You know, eventually I accepted that I felt miserable not only because of how she had lashed out and hurt me, but because I was left to face my insecurities and to realise that I didn't like the way I often acted around my ex. Yes, I was loving and kind to her. I'm not blaming myself for her anger and hurtful behaviour. But I am taking responsibility for handing over so much power to her and behaving in ways that don't make me feel great about myself. That was the first step for me in realising that it was also up to me to start acting differently. The feelings and emotions suck for a long time and sometimes they make it impossible to function at 100%. But I can function at least at 80%, even when I feel down. I can do my work, my exercise, meet with friends, be more aware and open to what's happening in other people's lives, more engaged with my family. I can do all of that, even feeling miserable. That's empowering.

And I just trust that the feelings and emotions will sort themselves out. I dug myself a big hole in the relationship with my ex, and I'm hurting because of it. By the same token, I can dig myself out. Not by trying to change my emotions and feelings -- trying to do that can make us feel powerless because we cannot just change how we feel and think, no matter how much will power we have. Better to direct that will power at the things we do. That's what we can control.

Sometimes I wonder if all of these issues have been inside of me but I have been able to cover them up with the security blanket of being with my BPD ex. Being able to run to her for that love-bombing & validation was so easy and seemingly super efficient because it really did make me feel better about everything, even if that was just my perception and not reality. Being in this depressed mindset is not something I'm used to and not having a clear path out of this is a great source of stress for me.

It sounds to me like you're going through some of that same dynamic. Sure, she made you feel better - but you handed over all the power over your mood and emotions to her. And given her apparent personality issues, it's likely she was also completely dependent on you to feel good about herself. It makes for a very fragile situation - the two of you both managing the idealisation like a ticking time-bomb. She may handle it in more destructive and hurtful ways, but it's important to take an honest look at the ways you might have also focused on maintaining the idealisation, rather than dealing with difficult issues.

Obviously I can only speak to what has helped me. And a big part of that was to stop focusing on finding a way to change my feelings, to control my emotions. I know how uncomfortable it is not to see a way out from the feelings of depression and sadness. They're there, they weigh on you, they cast a feeling of gloom and misery over whole days at a time. It's really hard when we've never lived through anything like it before. It finally made me realise that, yeah, it sure helps me get through a day when I feel great and energised and happy. But I can't will that to be my situation right now. I can only focus on the things I want to do, and take some power back from my emotions and feelings that way.

It's no magic bullet, that's for sure. It's painstaking work. But I think you're already getting there, step by step, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. Trust the happier feelings to come back eventually.

[pjstock42]

Thanks for your continued input, rfriesen. It really helps to have someone to talk to about this stuff today.

I thought that I had done the same thing as you and accepted that I wasn't going to be feeling great for a while but maybe that was again just logical acceptance and the emotional acceptance hasn't really set in yet. I think it's human nature to always be seeking out the quickest and easiest way to make ourselves feel better and that's what it seems like I continue to be doing. The emotional turmoil comes in when I'm constantly trying to do this and every time being able to find even any semblance of a fix for how I'm feeling. When I think about just mundane every day life things, it's always so normal to have go-to quick fixes to solve any kind of discomfort I'm facing. If I'm tired, I have a coffee. If I'm hungry, I have something to eat. If I feel bored, I do something to fill my time. In the past, when I felt lonely or un-validated, I'd either text her or go sit & talk with her, it was my 'quick fix' for any emotional discomfort that I may be facing and it was always there & available, seemingly unconditionally. So now I'm left here to sit and stew over this emotional pain and I have no solution to it which just makes me feel lost. Logically, maybe it's a good thing that I don't have a quick fix for this because I should instead be developing proactive solutions for these feelings that come from within but I know that if I ever will have the ability to do this, it's going to take a loong time to achieve that.

My ex was always telling me about how I had a "calming presence" and how I could always make her feel better about anything and there were a LOT of things to make her feel better about since she was always on a perpetual emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows. I loved being that source of stability for her as it truly made me feel needed and also just made me feel good about myself because I was helping someone that I care about. Obviously, this source of stability for her wasn't nearly as important to her as I believed it to be if she could just leave one day without warning and never see me again. She was so adept at making me feel wanted/valued/needed and I spent so much energy being everything I could for her that perhaps I never took the time to understand how to be there for myself. In the same way that I believed myself to be so important to her day to day life, she was also incredibly important to mine and I thought that because of this symbiotic relationship, that we would always be there for each other no matter what. The thought of her not being my girlfriend / us not being in love never once entered my mind and seemed like such an impossibility. This was going to last forever and no one could tell me otherwise, not even her - which she tried to do during her first discard attempt and I just wouldn't accept it.

I'm not proud of myself for how much of my core happiness / self-worth I placed into the hands of another person, in fact I feel like I'm in a constant state of feeling ashamed of myself for how incredibly distraught I've been throughout this. Even nearing 2 months out from this, my mind is still convinced that she is the only person on this planet that could make me feel better even though I know with certainty in the logical part of my brain that this is the farthest thing from the truth. I have been social, I have kept up with my exercise etc. but all of these things still seem like temporary distractions to what my mind really wants to do, and that is to sit here and be miserable about how much I miss her. I used to do things on my own when I was with her, many of the same things I do now but I always thinking more about that activity ending and being able to see her and spend time with her instead. This is where much of my feelings of emptiness are coming from and why I feel like I can't even function at all right now because no matter what I do, I'm left feeling empty afterwards because I don't have seeing her to look forward to.

When I was sweeping issues under the rug or not confronting her about things that may have bothered me, I rationalized that behavior to myself by thinking that I was just being a good partner, trying to focus on the positives and always building her up to be the best person that she could be. I truly didn't think that I was doing anything wrong and I had only the best of intentions. I didn't think that my ex would want a partner who was constantly creating conflicts, focusing on the negatives, rehashing old issues etc., I was living for the future with her and took every day as an opportunity to make our future brighter and more meaningful. Obviously, I went about this in totally the wrong way and that goes back to what I said about not seeing the relationship in a big picture way but instead using it as my daily source of validation/happiness/fulfillment that was all borne from living in the moment.

Taking the power back from my emotions is a big focus of mine right now but I clearly haven't figured out how to do this yet despite devoting 100% of my mental energy towards trying to find a way out of this. I will trust you that this will get better because that's really the only hope I have right now. As unrealistic as it sounds to me right now, hearing from someone who has gone through this that things will improve is very inspiring and I'm always comforted to hear this.

[rfriesen]

I thought that I had done the same thing as you and accepted that I wasn't going to be feeling great for a while but maybe that was again just logical acceptance and the emotional acceptance hasn't really set in yet.

Emotional acceptance takes time. Don't sell yourself short on how much work you've already put in. I'm sure you've read plenty of stories on this site of multiple recycles, of people raging and running back to their exes, of others doing whatever they can to make their exes run back to them, or others dating as quickly and as often as they can to move on. My point is not to criticise that and recovery is not a game of comparisons -- my point is that these relationships can inflict or bring to the surface very deep wounds, and it's hard work to choose a path to recovery and stick with it. My therapist stressed for me the importance of self-compassion in recovery and, because I'm often a pretty sceptical and fact-based person, she pointed me to lots of empirical work on the effects of self-compassion. (If you're interested, Kristin Neff has published a lot on this topic - she's a doctor of educational psychology and has this website that might be worth looking at www.self-compassion.org)

My point is that this is hard work, if you really want to face head-on the emotions that your relationship and break-up have triggered. As you say, we look for quick fixes, especially when we're feeling this uncomfortable. It's understandable. So give yourself some compassion too. Don't put pressure on yourself to be through with the pain and heartache. It takes however long it takes. From reading your posts, I would say you've come a long way. You faced a sudden and very painful break-up. You haven't turned away from how devastating it's been. You've acknowledged the pain, the shock, the need to protect yourself, and you've taking the steps you need to move forward without your ex. All of that is hard and it's worth reminding yourself that it's been hard, that you've managed to stick with it, and that none of this is easy.

When I was sweeping issues under the rug or not confronting her about things that may have bothered me, I rationalized that behavior to myself by thinking that I was just being a good partner, trying to focus on the positives and always building her up to be the best person that she could be.

And you were being a good partner. Give yourself some compassion here too. You know your heart was in the right place and you wanted to support and love the person you were with. It came as an incredible shock to realise that your partner wasn't capable of doing the same, right? That was a big, painful lesson for me -- it opened my eyes to the fact that there are people out there who are capable of cutting to the core someone who just wants to show them love and kindness. It's hard to work through the shock and anger this triggers. And the shame and embarrassment. For a while I felt so naive for having been so loving and sincere. How stupid was I for being the good boy who always meant well and tried to show my ex the way, only to be thrown aside? How evil must my ex be to be capable of cutting me like that, when she saw how vulnerable I was? Big, nasty questions. I felt how I could easily become a cynical, angry person myself. Because it hurts a lot.

PJ, I think it's important you give yourself the compassion of seeing you were a good partner in wanting to love and support your ex. The fact that it made you brush things under the rug and ignore red flags -- well, now you can see how you didn't always act on your good intentions in the most productive way. But we're never going to be perfect in a relationship. You'll learn from this and you'll have a different perspective on what's healthy in terms of addressing-issues-head-on vs. nitpicking-and-creating-unnecessary-conflict. You'll draw the line in a healthier place and have healthier boundaries, no longer walking on eggshells.

Self-compassion didn't come naturally for me in this process. But it helped me reframe a lot of what I was struggling with. Was I naive? Maybe to some extent, but I couldn't have known the emotional issues my ex is struggling with. And I would rather be a little naive and vulnerable than hardened and cynical. It's easy to mistake the latter for strength, when it's really born of fear. And I realised my ex isn't evil. She's in tremendous inner pain. It hurts me to think about. I don't excuse her actions or the way she lashed out to soothe her own pain. But I can protect myself by moving on and I can work on myself and I can recognise my own weaknesses, all without either excusing her actions or thinking she's evil. In fact, I don't have to reach any conclusion at all on my ex. She can act in very hurtful ways and is obviously dealing with deep emotional pain -- I don't need to analyse it any more than that at this point.

[pjstock42]

Sorry to pile on here but I'm definitely in a venting mood today and this place seems to be the only receptive audience to what I have to say... .

2 things I've been thinking about just now.

I'm sure that many of us have felt used while going through this pain after the discard, it's been something that I ruminate about every day. Sometimes it's hard to associate tangible experiences with why we feel used but something just crossed my mind and I thought it was interesting. One of the last days that we spent together before her leaving involved her needing to get a new phone as hers was outdated and barely functioning. I had already been researching different carriers/plans for her for weeks and one Sunday after noon she asked that we go to the store to finally get her an upgrade. She really knows very little about this stuff and basically put the whole ordeal in my hands because I do know a lot about phones and just the whole process of changing carriers etc. I did almost all of the talking at the store for her, not in an intrusive way but she kept being hoodwinked by the sales guy into buying stuff that she didn't need or understand so she would look to me to clarify things. In the end, she got exactly the phone that she wanted, saved a bunch of money and all was good. She was so incredibly thankful and appreciative of the help that I provided her and couldn't stop telling me how lucky she was to have my assistance, how nice I was to spend my time helping her with this etc. Again, here is another example of me thriving off of this adoration and validation but in this instance particularly, I really felt good because her phone had been giving her problems and I knew that this would help her day to day life be easier.

The events of that day really struck a chord with me today because it's so beyond coincidental when you realize the timing of all this. It was almost like she had a checklist of things that she could use me for before her discard and this was one of the top things on the list. I was just a utility for her, something for her to use up until she no longer had a need for it at which point she could toss me in the trash. She was never grateful for my help that day, she wasn't thankful to have me there to help or for the time I spent with her to resolve this issue, she was simply thankful that she got what she wanted. This really hurts to think about because I believed every word she said about how happy she was to have me in her life and that I cared for her so much. I can deal with situations where someone is clearly using you and in those instances I find it pretty easy to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of but in this case, I truly thought that I was just doing something nice for someone that I cared about and that she saw the positive of this to be how eager I was to help make her life better rather than her just having someone do things for her that she didn't want to bother putting the effort/energy into doing for herself.

This runs into my next thought about the whole concept of disposability and how much it hurts to think about. One of her complaints in our limited post-discard emails was how she felt "isolated" in the area where we lived. I have said the same thing, this area is very isolated and I would have never chosen to live here if it wasn't a decision made to help her since her new job at the time was down the street. It blows my mind that someone could act as though they care so much about me yet then abandon me in a place that they themselves know is very isolating, leaving me to be here by myself and deal with that pain alone. I never felt isolated living here with her because she was here and I thought she felt the same towards me but I was never enough, she needed to be somewhere that was more stimulating, more convenient for her and her desires. As I've mentioned before, the landlord has been very helpful in allowing me to end the lease early and that made me think, if she really didn't like living here and she REALLY did love me as she told me every day that she did, why didn't she talk to me about this? Clearly, the flexibility was there for us to leave early, she could have brought this up and we could have worked something out to move somewhere else together but it seems like these thoughts never crossed her mind. The second that things were no longer convenient for her, no longer the disney princess fairy-tale that she wanted to be living, she just ran away from all of it without a second thought and left me behind to sort things out for myself.

If the relationship had been souring to an extreme extent and we were constantly fighting / trying to get away from each other then her using this as an excuse to end things would have at least made a bit of sense. However; with her being so kind/loving all the way up to the end, always talking about our future and how much she loved me, it just seems so absurd that she would so callously destroy everything that we had built so she could live closer to her next new job. It's like I was just along for a ride with her, as if she was waving one hand to distract me with love/togetherness/sex/marriage etc. while her other hand was just going through the motions of using me for her own personal gain until it was no longer convenient for her to do so. These are simply more unproductive and negative thoughts to be having but I cannot figure out how to free myself from them.

I just feel so emotionally/spiritually violated and outside of the people here whom have experienced something similar, I feel like no one could possibly understand what this is like. The isolation of living in this desolate area where I would have never chosen to live for myself along with the general isolation resulting from the breakup/discard are just swirling together to make me feel so absolutely hopeless and alone. I can't even count how many times each day I open my front door just to look outside to see if she'll be there, only to be met with complete silence and emptiness and even though that's what I'm expecting when I do this, it still kills me inside each and every time.

[pjstock42]

rfriesen, clearly I didn't see your message about self-compassion before my last post hah. I can laugh at myself a bit for that one because you were spot on with how I should be thinking yet I still continue to be incredibly hard on myself and only focusing on the negatives of this.

I'm reading through the site you posted now and this is again a conflict of the logical vs. emotional parts of my brain. The simple words at the top of the site: "With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we'd give to a good friend", that makes a ton of sense. If my best friend was going through this, I wouldn't be hammering him to feel bad about himself for what he's experienced, I wouldn't be doubting him and coercing him to constantly miss his ex and reminisce about the good times, yet that is exactly what I'm doing to myself. I guess I've just never even once thought about the concept of how I am treating myself and instead just get wrapped up in what my mind is telling me to do / think about without looking at things from that outside perspective. Thanks for posting that link, I'm going to take some time to read up on the information there.

[rfriesen]

These are simply more unproductive and negative thoughts to be having but I cannot figure out how to free myself from them.

To free yourself of them, have them. That might sound paradoxical, but I think that's the only way. Don't fight them off (unless you need to get work or some other task done), but also don't pour any extra energy into embellishing them. Not always easy to strike that balance, but basically let your mind wear itself out and, to the extent possible, observe what your mind is doing without getting totally caught up in it. You're hurt. You're angry. You're going through intense emotions. Your mind is trying to explain them, or justify them, or reject them, or argue with them, ... .

Our brains are problem-solving machines and right now yours is being tasked with "solving" the emotional pain you're suffering from. Let your brain do its thing and vent here all you need and let yourself feel the emotions. But try not to add fuel to the flames, so to speak. Try to observe your thoughts as they work up into a frenzy, rather than actively whipping them up into an even greater frenzy. Over time your mind will do this in less and less of a frenzy and the emotional pain will subside, and you'll be able to reflect with greater peace of mind.

[fromheeltoheal]

"With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we'd give to a good friend"

One handy way to practice self-compassion is consider your inner 5 year old.  Becoming an adult is not a matter of replacing the child with an adult, it's about adding adult to the child, so our inner child is still there, still wanting to jump in puddles and buy something from the ice cream truck.  So focusing on treating that kid with compassion, easy to do towards a 5 year old, can feel good right now.

[pjstock42]

My new landlord finally let me know this morning that I can move in next Thursday. It feels really good to have a definitively finite amount of time left in this apartment as it has basically become a man-made prison for me since it's impossible to escape the constant reminders of her while being here.

I'm thinking about getting an old school hanging wall calendar and marking off every day with a pen to notate my NC streak. Whenever I'm feeling down like I was yesterday and may be later today (who knows), one thing that does provide a little solace is knowing that I've stuck to NC without any compromises including never once checking any of her social media. I'm really hoping that the combination of my continued NC streak with finally getting out of this apartment/neighborhood will start to provide some tangible results at some point, fall is my favorite season and I'm hoping to enjoy it rather than continuing to be miserable most of the time.

[drained1996]

That's great news PJ!  I'm thinking your new atmosphere will be very helpful in your process.  New beginnings and new habits to form should become liberating over time!  Certainly won't solve everything, but definitely a positive thing to have at this time.  
It seems you're kind of focused on NC... .which is great!... .but you seem to throw some questions of it's validity out sometimes.  What would you see as a positive to breaking NC?  What questions do you think might get answered if you did?  If  you did break NC, do you think there is a possibility it might take you back right where you started?  Just curious if you've put some thought into why you might break NC... .or maybe my radar is just a little off in seeing that it may be in your thoughts?
Happy to hear the good news for sure!  One step at a time!

[pjstock42]

Oh no, I definitely wasn't questioning the validity of NC at all but I can see how it would come off that way. I suppose that maybe I don't fully understand how 100% NC will eventually be even a piece of making me feel better from this but that's more just me feeling hurt in general and the concept of healing from this seeming like such a pipe-dream in itself if that makes sense.

I know with absolute certainty that there is no benefit to be had from me breaking NC and I've never once come close to doing it thankfully. Definitely didn't mean to to insinuate that I saw some positive to breaking NC but again, it just comes down to my general pain/confusion about this whole process and most times just having to trust the advice of others in terms of doing the right things that will eventually pay off without fully realizing the benefits myself as of yet.

[drained1996]

Good, happy to hear my radar was off  !

[Fogclearing]

I only read the thread start.

Looking back at my relationship with a BPD woman who left from one day to another leaving me and the children in a very difficult financial situation I have come to this conclusion (not only based on her very sudden departure, but also on little details from every day life that I now see a pattern in):

BPD never thought of these relationships in the terms of WE. Nons normally do that. We think of it as WE going through life and obstacles in life together. As a WE. As a UNIT. A unit based on MUTUAL trust and solidarity. And we think that out partner sees it the same way. BPDs (and other personality disordered partners like for example narcissists) DON'T. They don't see the WE. They see the ME. They don't have the solidarity of the WE. They don't feel obligation, responsibility and solidarity. It is as simple as that. They want instant gratification and satisfaction for themselves only.

Harsh but true. I've learned my lesson.

[pjstock42]

Fogclearing,

You are totally right and that was one of the first things that I realized yet still one of the hardest things to accept. She did such an incredible acting job in deceiving me to believe that the "we" feeling that I had was mutual and gave me almost 0 reasons to think otherwise (until near the end, of course).

This experience made me think a lot about my prior gf before her who was a non. Things didn't work out, it was long distance for a while and I just couldn't see myself with her for the long haul. It was difficult but that was the way that a normal relationship ends, even though one person ultimately has to pull the trigger. With my non-BPD ex, I know for a fact that she would have never done or said anything even close to what my BPD ex did/said to me and that was because that girl believed in the "we" too, which obviously is pretty crucial to a healthy relationship.

For whatever reason, my belief in the mutual "we" mindset with my BPD ex was so much stronger than it ever has been in any relationship that I've had which of course has made this discard/detachment period that much more difficult. Finding out that you could be so wrong about something is a big blow to the ego and that confusion/pain just compounds that emotional turmoil already presented by a shock breakup in the first place. All I can really hope for now is that I never again get into a situation where I believe in something that was never real.

[SoMadSoSad]

In my case I believe she believed in "WE" until her fear of abandonment kicked in and she felt she had to fend for herself probably because she thought I would leave her. I see her going through the "WE" stage with the replacement also. So I don't think that this "WE" "Me" thing is exclusive to  BPDs.

[Fogclearing]

Mine made me believe that she really had this WE-feeling too. But looking back I should have payed more attention to the little every day details. Like how she could never settle for less than an expensive iMac for HERSELF or the latest, biggest, most expensive smart phone (toddler tantrums until she got them refusing to consider ANY cheaper but very well functioning other options) during a period when the family struggled financially because of me losing business opportunities (she didn't work but had a small disability retirement).

Like you do, pjstock42, I hope I'll never ever end up in a situation again where I believe in things that aren't real.

I so much distrust my judgement after this experience that I don't even LOOK at women anymore. I can't see myself together with a partner ever again. Which is sad at the age of 44 still with things to give to a person that could see the WE.

[pjstock42]

I so much distrust my judgement after this experience that I don't even LOOK at women anymore. I can't see myself together with a partner ever again.

I'm with you on that one but anyone I've told about this mindset says that it's temporary. At the very least, I've given up on seeking any kind of long-term relationships with women, that isn't to say that it will never happen again but for the foreseeable future, I won't be actively looking for it at all. I'm sure this is a somewhat common feeling during/after going through this so don't be too hard on yourself about having those thoughts.

[pjstock42]

Something else that I've learned about through this, not really having to do with my ex at all but just about human nature is how rigid and unsympathetic people can be to you when you're dealing with personal issues.

My boss at work has been pretty accommodating about all of this. I don't like to discuss personal things at work but I was incredibly messed up right after this happened and focusing on work was nearly impossible. A few days after the discard, I decided to tell him 1 on 1 what had happened to me and he said something like he was surprised that I was even at the office when that had just happened. He told me to do whatever I needed to get better from this including days off / working from home more etc. and I really appreciated that. He was also very flexible in terms of me having to be at the whim of the current tenants of my new place in terms of when I could move in and understood that it may be a bit of a last minute decision in regards to which day I would be able to move on.

On the other hand, the lead of another team that I work with has been pretty much the opposite of how my boss has treated me through this. He's been getting on me about the slightest of things, calling me out in meetings for insignificant things that could be handled directly etc. Now that I finally found out on Monday that I could move next week, he's giving me a really hard time about the day I took of to move because he is on vacation that day as well. I told him straight up that this wasn't something that I was planning for and that I need to have somewhere to live which I thought would be pretty understandable but he is being very difficult with me about this and making things harder than they need to be. Perhaps my boss has dealt with something like this and therefore understands how hard it is vs. this guy who maybe has never faced something similar? I don't know, it just really goes to show you who you can trust in times like this. If I knew this had happened to someone at work and that they needed a bit of time to take care of things / get their life back on track, the last thing I would want to do is treat them poorly and make them feel bad or as if they're intentionally screwing things up for me.

[rfriesen]

On the other hand, the lead of another team that I work with has been pretty much the opposite of how my boss has treated me through this.
... .
Perhaps my boss has dealt with something like this and therefore understands how hard it is vs. this guy who maybe has never faced something similar?
... .
If I knew this had happened to someone at work and that they needed a bit of time to take care of things / get their life back on track, the last thing I would want to do is treat them poorly and make them feel bad or as if they're intentionally screwing things up for me.

These are some of the insights you can gain from being in an emotional place that's unfamiliar. You see the world from a new perspective. I know that's cold comfort while you're still in the phase of hurting so much. But the insights are worth holding onto nonetheless.

I found that I became much more aware of these little tensions and irritabilities that people carry around with them. The team lead who's unsympathetic to you and a bit of a pain ... .whatever the exact reason, that kind of person who unnecessarily and counter-productively (in the context of a working environment) is unpleasant with people who are going through a hard time (or with people in general) - well, that kind of person is carrying some kind of emotional discomfort that they don't want to deal with.

Actually, I went through a phase after the end of my relationship when I found it really depressing to look around and see so many people who seemed unhappy about something and so ready to take it out on others. Why take it out on others? Why not - as you say, PJ - have some sympathy and be considerate?

I think many people are in some degree of emotional pain, but for whatever reason don't want to admit that even to themselves, and project it all outward in the form of a general irritability (especially with those who seem to be trying to deal with a difficult emotional situation). As I finally started feeling happier and more stable myself, and to feel confident that I was recovering from the break-up, I found myself more sympathetic to people who act irritably. That doesn't mean I excuse them or don't stand my ground -- in fact, I find it much easier to draw my boundaries, to defuse situations with humour or by addressing any source of conflict directly, because I see that an irritable person is suffering from their own issues and it really has nothing to do with me. It's a question of degree, of course -- if someone is irritating or offensive enough, obviously it gets to me. But it's the kind of insight we can take with us from the unpleasantness we're going through.

And on a more positive note - as you say, we can really come to appreciate people like your boss who are open, understanding, and sympathetic. When we're in a tough place, one nice thing is how much we can value and appreciate simple acts of understanding.

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

I agree about embracing the opportunity that I have to see the world in a new light. I've always been a very empathetic person and I don't feel much different in that sense but this is definitely the first time where I've been the one dealing with some kind of intense emotional pain and it is interesting to see how different people react to this.

It's a bit odd because this guy actually reminds me a lot of my dad, or at least how my dad used to be when I was growing up and living at home. I'm not saying this in a negative way, just more pointing out the similarities in how unemotional and down to business they are. My dad has softened up quite a bit as he ages but when I was younger he was very much the kind of dad to say "man up" and "get over it" etc. if there was any kind of emotional thing going on with me. I don't think he ever meant this to be cruel or uncaring, it's just the way that he was brought up through having a very militant and emotionally unavailable father himself. It must have been my mom that balanced this out in me during my upbringing because for whatever reason, I'm someone who is always hyper-sensitive to the emotions of others and I always want to help people and fix their problems if I can. Of course, applying this logic to a gf with BPD seemed great for a while because there was a lot to fix but it was unsustainable in the end.

On another topic, today has been a bit difficult due to the dream I had last night involving my ex. I have had dreams about her before this but this was the one that I was really hoping wouldn't happen, that being the dream of getting back together with her. It seemed so real, I was talking to the same person who I loved but with all of the knowledge I had now. She was sympathetic, apologetic and so intent on making things work again. Obviously, this means that those thoughts are still up there in my head somewhere but safe to say, starting my morning by waking up after that dream was not a great start to the day.

One thing I've started to track is patterns of how I'm feeling on a day to day basis. Early on, it was just continual bad days over and over with maybe an hour or so of peace thrown into the mix. Lately, it's been bad days spaced out by 1 good day and before today, I had 3 days where I never had any breakdowns and didn't have any of those overwhelming feelings of hopelessness/loss etc. So as pathetic as it sounds, 3 days was a big step for me and I will continue to track this and hope that the gaps of good days between the bad ones continues to grow wider.

With days like today, I feel like a prisoner in my own brain. I'm constantly being reminded of her by the smallest things and because I'm cognizant that this is happening, I quickly get sick of myself and wish I could just be someone else to escape this self-imposed mental torture that I'm putting myself through.

One week from today I will be moving out of the apartment that she left me at and I know that will be a big step symbolically in my healing. I am a bit scared that the moving itself will overwhelm me with emotions due to the finality that it represents but I know that I have to get it over with. I'll never forget standing at our front door and kissing her goodbye as she left for work, the last time I ever saw her. There's still this part of me that feels like a little kid whose parent went off to work and never came back, yet they continue to stare at the door waiting for them to return even though they know that it won't happen. I'm hoping that getting out of this place where all of my memories are tied to her will help me to break out of that mindset but only time will tell.

[chillamom]

Hey, pjstock42, I think 3 days without a breakdown is GREAT and means REAL PROGRESS.  Of course there will be many setbacks, and a dream like yours certainly indicates that your unconscious is busy dealing with wish fulfillment, but I do think that the change of residence that's coming soon will ultimately be tremendously healing.  That's something to look forward to.  We talk a lot about "state dependent" learning and emotions in my field (psych) and often leaving a place does indeed loosen the grip of the things that have taken place there, good and bad.  I hope that's the case with you!

[rfriesen]

One thing I've started to track is patterns of how I'm feeling on a day to day basis. Early on, it was just continual bad days over and over with maybe an hour or so of peace thrown into the mix. Lately, it's been bad days spaced out by 1 good day and before today, I had 3 days where I never had any breakdowns and didn't have any of those overwhelming feelings of hopelessness/loss etc.

That's really great progress. It's important to remember what our baseline is. I'm more than five months out from our final break-up and I still have days where I just don't feel like myself, unable to focus, and kind of down. Last night, for instance. Was just feeling anxious and kind of empty. But when I compare where I'm at now to five months ago, it's basically night and day. Just like you, in the first weeks I was desperate for even an hour's worth of relief from the constant painful ruminations and sadness/anxiety. Now I have some great days, some bad days, and some mixed days. But it's progress, and stringing the good days together is a great sign. Notice the progress and let it give you confidence, and then do your best to accept the bad days when they come.

So as pathetic as it sounds, 3 days was a big step for me and I will continue to track this and hope that the gaps of good days between the bad ones continues to grow wider.

Doesn't sound pathetic at all. We're often taught to feel that being in emotional pain is pathetic. This process helps us let go of that view. It's great when we can adopt habits that give us emotional stability and happiness over the long run. But when life hits us hard, it takes courage to acknowledge that we're in pain and deal with it. There's nothing especially brave about pretending not to be in pain. I mean, we do our best to get on with life - we go to work, keep up with exercise, see our family and friends and socialise, etc etc. I try not to focus on still feeling hurt. But if someone asks and wants an honest answer, then yes, even after five months I still hurt quite a bit from the whole relationship breakdown.

With days like today, I feel like a prisoner in my own brain. I'm constantly being reminded of her by the smallest things and because I'm cognizant that this is happening, I quickly get sick of myself and wish I could just be someone else to escape this self-imposed mental torture that I'm putting myself through.

I hear you. But is it really self-imposed? You didn't choose to be going through all of this. But it's where you are now, so no need to add any pressure or anxiety by telling yourself you've imposed it on yourself.

One week from today I will be moving out of the apartment that she left me at and I know that will be a big step symbolically in my healing. I am a bit scared that the moving itself will overwhelm me with emotions due to the finality that it represents but I know that I have to get it over with. 

Congrats! I understand the anxiety. It's another step in moving on. I also struggle a lot with letting go and closing the door for good. Every step we take makes the next one a bit easier. That's part of what causes the anxiety, of course - the feeling that it's more and more final, irreversible. At least you can see some of the progress you've already made, and that it's slowly getting better. Good luck with the move!

[pjstock42]

Hey, pjstock42, I think 3 days without a breakdown is GREAT and means REAL PROGRESS.  Of course there will be many setbacks, and a dream like yours certainly indicates that your unconscious is busy dealing with wish fulfillment, but I do think that the change of residence that's coming soon will ultimately be tremendously healing.  That's something to look forward to.  We talk a lot about "state dependent" learning and emotions in my field (psych) and often leaving a place does indeed loosen the grip of the things that have taken place there, good and bad.  I hope that's the case with you!

Thank you for enlightening me on the topic of state dependent emotions. It has been really difficult having to continue living in the same place where I only moved to because of her and it goes beyond just the apartment itself to the stores/restaurants etc. nearby because we used to go to those places together so everything is just a constant reminder of her. Before she did this & had threatened to move out that first time, I had told her that her leaving me behind in this place would be the "saddest thing that I could imagine experiencing" and well, it pretty much has been. I wish I had the luxury that she had of just fleeing the scene instantly and not having to face any accountability for her actions, I'm willing to bet that she has been able to get over this much more quickly than I have because of that, along with the fact that she didn't really care about me very much in the first place.

rfriesen,

I'm glad that your "bad days" seem to be more just "bad moments" at this point, that is really good to hear. Even though I'm only ~2 months into this, I can look back through the weeks and certainly notice a big change in how I've progressed. I wouldn't say that I'm anywhere near "happy" at this point but I think my growth has been more focused on just being able to live my life without having this ruin every day for me. I thought that yesterday was going to be a bad day but it really ended up just being a bad morning and by the time the afternoon/evening rolled around, I had snapped out of it to an extent and was able to just do my thing.

Back when this first happened, I already had a trip planned a few hours away to see my parents and best friend and only being a few days out from the discard, I obviously wasn't in a very good place. My mom told me recently that I was shaking while eating dinner and my best friend said that he barely even recognized who I was, and I've known this guy for 15 years. I went back again to see the same people 2 weeks ago and they all said that I seemed like a different person altogether so I'm glad that I've been able to normalize to the extent that I'm not interfering with my friend/family relationships. I agree with what you said about not focusing on being hurt yet if someone really wants to know, I would tell them. I'm still a bit mad at myself for getting into online dating so shortly after this because now there are people who are constantly wanting to hang out and I want nothing to do with it & would rather just be on my own for ~6 months at the very least. I've already deleted all of my profiles but it was a really stupid idea of mine to attempt to fill the gap left by my ex so shortly after everything happened.

I can't explain how excited I am to move, it's come to be something that dominates my thinking almost as much as thoughts of her does which I think is a good thing. This morning, all I could tell myself was how this was the last Friday morning I will ever be waking up in the place. Tomorrow is the last lonely Saturday I will ever have in this place where everywhere I turn, I am reminded of her. I've only lived in this city since March of last year and this will be my 4th time moving so I am getting a bit sick of it but this move has much more symbolic importance behind it than those in the past due to the circumstances of how I ended up here in the first place.

While I mentioned above that I'm sure being able to leave this place behind in an instant would have sped up the healing process, I'm also trying to think of the positives in this situation that I was forced into. I'm wondering if having to face these constant reminders of her being shoved in my face relentlessly every day has maybe, in it's own way, accelerated the detachment process even a little bit. I basically had to face what I knew in my mind to be my worst fear so maybe having done that made me stronger / more numb to this than just fleeing the scene and never looking back would have? I guess I will never know but either way, only ~136 hours left of me living in this place, not that I'm counting or anything  .

[pjstock42]

Some random venting here. Sunday nights seem to be my most difficult times for some reason and I just wanted to spew this stuff out.

I'm moving on Thursday and as excited as I am to get this over with, there have been some strange feelings coming to the surface in the last few days and I'm just wondering what other people may have to say about them from knowledge of this process / past experience. Chillamom mentioned the concept of "state dependency" and that's something that I'm trying to wrap my head around as of late since it may be playing in to how I've been feeling for a few days here. Basically, I think that in some incredibly odd way, I've developed an odd attachment to this apartment. Despite this place being somewhere that I don't want to live, somewhere that is literally saturated with memories of my ex that are inescapable, I've somehow found some strange sort of comfort in being here. This really presented itself on Friday night and I couldn't understand what my mind was doing. I had gone out to my new neighborhood to arrange purchasing a couch and I had planned to then go out to a few of the local restaurants/bars that are about a 5 minute walk from where I was. As I went to go do this, I was suddenly overwhelmed with this suffocating, almost anti-social feeling and all I wanted to do was go back home and be by myself in my room. I had no idea why I wanted to seclude myself and not take this opportunity to explore my new neighborhood but it was such a strong feeling and I had to follow it, so I came home just to be alone in this space.

Having had some time to think about this, I'm wondering if the finality of this move and how symbolic it will be is something that I'm maybe not fully ready to face yet. Even though I know that she is gone and never coming back, even though I haven't seen her in over 2 months and haven't communicated with her in any way in almost as long, I think there's still some small part of me that is convinced that if I stay here, that leave the door open for her to come back and make everything ok. This sounds so stupid as I write it out but that's the only thing that I can think of as to why I would be having these feelings. I mentioned in an earlier post how I felt like the little kid who said goodbye to his mom/dad in the morning, expecting them to come home after work and then they never did yet he continues to sit and stare at the door waiting for them to come back. This is more of that mental reconciliation process where the logical side of my brain is still trying to convince my emotional side that this really happened and that things will never be the same. I think being in my new neighborhood, working on real & concrete plans about moving there and starting fresh, all of that represents the true reality of this situation. The actual life changes that I'm going through as a result of this situation are finally catching up to the work I've been doing in getting through this mentally and it is not an easy pill to swallow. Part of me wishes that I could just wake up tomorrow and be in my new place with everything all set up because I still worry that performing the actual process of moving on Thursday is going to be very emotionally challenging for me. Even though I know that nothing will change for however long I stay at this current place and wallow in my misery, the act of moving to a new place truly represents the end of this chapter of my life and removes any possibility of her coming back.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. Hopefully, I am just getting myself worked up over nothing. I know I am moving, all of the plans are in place for it and on Friday, I really will be waking up in a new place that represents no connection/attachment to my ex in any way. On the surface, all of this sounds great and I know that it is a very important step for me in this process yet my mind is only focused on the negatives of this, it's definitely getting old to never be able to see the positives in things and continually be relating whatever I'm doing/thinking to this one person. I knew that this process wouldn't be easy but time is definitely helping. I think that my mind has well and truly exhausted itself with the constant ruminations and thoughts of missing her so perhaps now, in it's depressed and negative state, it is simply looking for something else to focus on and highlight the "negatives" of. I know for a fact that I'm in a better place than I was 2 months ago, 1 month ago and even a week ago so I need to be cognizant of this growth and not always be focusing my energy on the things that worry me / stress me out. Thank you again to everyone who has kept up with me through this, I really don't know how I would be doing if I never found this community.

[FallBack!Monster]

I've seen this post and thought keep reading the reply but afraid to truly and honestly participate in this discussion.

pj, I concur! totally understandable. I feel the same way. Earlier today I found out my ex moved away. I felt a fearful feeling in my stomach. But I was around my friends so I acted like I didn't care. But indeed reality hit me like a ton of bricks. She's really gone, not coming back, doesn't want my acquaintance, nothing?

The title of this post makes my heart skip a beat each and every time I read it. I know I can go on w/o her just fine but I guess my heart wasn't ready. Talk about pwBPD not caring about anyone enough to give them closure. It hurts like hell.
It's not easy. Sharing so many intimate moments then she leaves and never talks to me again. Now she's moving away. I feel out of control but tomorrow is work so I just gotta smile anyway... .As if nothing happened. Pretend I'm okay.