Needing hope for our recently diagnosed daughter with BPD

[needinghope]

My husband and I would appreciate any words of encouragement (and hope) that patents in our situation might be willing to share. Our 23 year old daughter has struggled with anxiety (social and general), depression and ADHD (inattentive type) for years, but only recently was diagnosed as a "Borderline Lite". Now that we've researched the diagnosis, we clearly see what our daughter has been dealing with for years. She has struggled so much and our hearts break for her. We've done everything we can to help and support her, but are at our wits end. She feels utter contempt for us and is combative and hostile, and has lost virtually all of her friends (except those that share all or most of her borderline characteristics) and has isolated herself from her siblings as well.

She's seeing a psychotherapist now (she's been in counseling on and off for years) and is going to begin working with a psychiatrist as well. Because her depression is so bad we're hoping that she will go on some sort of antidepressant medication, although she has never stuck with medicine in the past.  Have any of your friends or family members benefited from being on medication? If so, what kind? We truly love our daughter to the moon and back, but it's getting increasingly hard to maintain a relationship with her. Would genuinely appreciate any words of encouragement... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi needinghope 

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are so very very glad that you have joined us though sorry to hear that your d23 is struggling so much. 

I have a d19... .she will be 20 in October.  She has been on meds for depression since she was 13 and they do help.  She also took a mood stabilizer that had benefits for her as well.  Since becoming an adult she has changed her meds due to side affects and still is getting some benefit from them.  My d19 does not live with me.  Does your d23 live at home with you and your husband? 

The greatest benefit my d19 has comes from using her skills... .coping skills like wisemind and she often times needs to use her breathing techniques to get to a place where she can be in wisemind.  I help her by validating her feelings and reminding her to use her skills.  The best way I remind her to use her skills is to first use them myself.  Have you picked up on any of the skills your d23 was taught over the years in her therapies?

It can be very difficult to cope with the rages and verbal abuse from our very emotional girls.  I had to set some boundaries around that kind of thing in order to create a safe emotional space to learn how to validate, learn how to communicate truths in a helpful way... .like using the Support Empathy Truth statements, and learn to be in wisemind myself.  Does this sound like what you and your husband need too?  Stopping the circular arguments that escalate into the stratosphere seemed like an  impossibility... .found out it wasn't.   

I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

lbjnltx

[Bright Day Mom]

Yes, there is hope.  My DD too suffers from depression, anxiety, BPD too and we've had the most challenging year and a half.  I can't say there is a magic pill, but what I've found is a combination of therapy, medication, therapeutic high school, and this site (lessons, tools) have helped tremendously.  My DD is currently in the last 3 months of a 9 month residential program.  She admits residential saved her life as she was unstable and we were struggling at home with her for too long. 

Please know you are not alone and there are many of us here who have walked similar paths,keep the faith.

[satahal]

There is hope.

My d28 was diagnosed a few years back after struggling with anxiety, depression and OCD since he was about 9 or 10 years old.

Before she was diagnosed, I coped by not pressuring her, supporting her interests and spending a lot of time with her.

When she was diagnosed she lived away from home - I learned new communication skills from this site, which have helped tremendously. She continues to take anti-depressants and she is very good about her DBT therapy.

I've seen big improvements in her. She still tightly wound and as of about a year ago was still cutting - I don't know if she does now because she cuts on her legs and I haven't had occasion to see her legs on our twice yearly visits. I would expect she still cuts as it was still pretty bad last year.

But she's working part time. She has friends. She's living independently and coping well enough, though little things continue to bother her much more than they would another person.

From what I've read many people do grow out of the diagnosis - sooner with treatment of course.

[galaxy]

I'm glad you found this site.  You'll find it has many different ways to help those of us who struggle with a loved one with BPD.

I am relatively new to this site too (a few months) but have found it unbelievably helpful. Just finding so many people who understand what we are going through and who are so kind in their answers to you is such a relief. There are many other resources offered too that will help you.

Be sure to take care of yourselves too! And remember you aren't alone!

Galaxy

[Lollypop]

Hi

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum.

My BPDs25 was diagnosed last year and, like you, we have a long history of behaviour and relationship problems.

The forum has been a life saver to me and my family. I've been active here since Dec and my BPDs is in a very different place than he was then. He returned home following a crisis in the USA. We live in the UK.

My BPDs does not seek treatment. We wait patiently and softly encourage at appropriate and relevant times. I've spent my time using the tools on this site, watching videos, reading books and posting on the forum.

Everything I'd ever tried in the past just made things worse, not better.  With the new knowledge I was gaining I could see that I needed to change myself, change my approach to my BPDs. I needed to demonstrate behaviour that I wanted to see in my family.  It's taken a lot of patience and commitment.

The first thing I did was draw a line in the sand and told my BPDs things were going to be different. I then proved it. Slowly things have improved; we've better communication, we don't react to his negative behaviours, we treat him like an adult.

I want to give you hope. My BPDs will not have the life Id hoped or planned for, but he is finding a way to live happier. We hope he'll be living independently next year. He is managing to work casually and learning financial management skills.

Life at home is friendly and relaxed, open and honest. His anxiety is much lower. Obviously, if he were in treatment, it'd be better but I'm hopeful he'll take the final step to take full responsibility for himself sooner than later.

There is hope. Please use the tools and learn validation skills as they really do work.

Hugs

[Isanni]

I've been reading a lot of your posts. Can you pls move in with us? Coach us 24/7?
My daughter is in the hospital now. I feel bad but have to keep focused on the fact that she is getting worse at home - more self destructive, more hurtful and dangerous to us.
She was always a bit sensitive - her skin/certain fabrics, upset and not able to sooth or talk through what she was going through. Then, in October, she was assaulted and hasn't been the same since. Full on self destruction with a borderline trait diagnosis. Her version of reality is always a bit off, creating more stress for her and us. I find it hard to relate to focus on suicide and cutting. 
So we are trying to be strong - it's hard because in her face with a tear rolling down her cheek, you see this beautiful little darling that you remember - your little sweet girl. Then she starts talking... .screaming... .and you know she isn't there. It's someone else.
We are waiting to hear from the hospital team what they recommend but I told my daughter she is likely not coming home from the hospital. I sense that if I don't do everything I can do before she's 18, I'll fail as her mom. So we are waiting to hear back from Falcon Ridge and are considering the 3East program that many forum contributors refer to. There is also a local program - Alcam - in Montreal. Its focus is not on borderlines but I was reassured they teach many of the dbt concepts while helping the child accept authority at home.

It seems though from your comments that Falcon is great. You have no regrets?