MY pwBPD is wonderful for an Audience - anyone else?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, just about everyone in my world thinks my partner wBPD is wonderful because when there's a party or holiday or whatever he's great fun, super helpful and acts like my personal man servant.

Because he can be verbally abusive, a biting "comic" etc, many years ago I took to issuing warnings before family get togethers, requesting that he be on his best behavior and refrain from his usual cruel "humor", drinking too much, etc.

My son has seen other sides of him because he lives with me but my daughter, who quite likes my partner, hasn't because she's been out of the house since he and I got together and all she's seen is a guy who buys her things and seemingly treats her mom like a queen.

Is this a borderline thing or what?

It makes it hard to get support for leaving him and it makes me second guess myself - he's so wonderful in these moments.

[satahal]

So, just about everyone in my world thinks my partner wBPD is wonderful because when there's a party or holiday or whatever he's great fun, super helpful and acts like my personal man servant.

Because he can be verbally abusive, a biting "comic" etc, many years ago I took to issuing warnings before family get togethers, requesting that he be on his best behavior and refrain from his usual cruel "humor", drinking too much, etc.

My son has seen other sides of him because he lives with me but my daughter, who quite likes my partner, hasn't because she's been out of the house since he and I got together and all she's seen is a guy who buys her things and seemingly treats her mom like a queen.

Is this a borderline thing or what?

It makes it hard to get support for leaving him and it makes me second guess myself - he's so wonderful in these moments.

[enlighten me]

My exgf was exactly the same. People that dont know her that well think she is amazing. Super fun and bubbly. Its only those of us who get close get to see the other side.

This is why I would recommend never to try and out them as you are the one that ends up looking crazy and bitter.

[satahal]

My exgf was exactly the same. People that dont know her that well think she is amazing. Super fun and bubbly. Its only those of us who get close get to see the other side.

This is why I would recommend never to try and out them as you are the one that ends up looking crazy and bitter.

So true.
Mine just can't do enough for me in front of people. He loves that all the other women are envious of me and wish their husbands were like that. I'm thinking, I don't need you rolling out the red carpet. He thinks that his over the top good deeds make up for his over the top rage, jealousy, etc.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey samanthal, I would say that those w/BPD are good at hiding their disorder, so yes, it is a "borderline thing" and I suggest that you not second guess yourself.  By way of example, my BPDxW has a gregarious personality and was known as the unofficial "Mayor" of our small town.  Little did people know what she was like behind closed doors, throwing tantrums and rages, destroying things, punching holes in the wall, keeping me up to all hours, chasing me around our home, pouring water on my head while I was sleeping on the couch (two times!), locking me out of the house, etc.  Only those closest to a pwBPD get to see the dark side.  Don't kid yourself: you know what's really going on.

LuckyJim

[VitaminC]

Yep, mine would be gracious and behave extremely well in company. There was one time towards the end that sticks in my mind. We'd been arguing and hostile for weeks. That morning there was another ridiculous argument and the mood was sour as hell. We ended up going for lunch because his child had a special day (and the child and I are very fond of each other). I should say he had very pointedly stopped paying for so much as cup of coffee for me weeks before.

While in the cafe, I saw my ex-mother-in-law having lunch on her own. I hadn't seen her in ages and said who she was and that I was going over to say hello. He scuttled right over, very formally introduced himself and eyeballed her like crazy. Then he smiled at me (for the first time in weeks!) and said "Shall I order for you? What would you like?" I answered him as pleasantly as he had asked the question, while nearly choking on my own saliva. He made another couple of charming comments and then went off to order and pay.  My ex MIL said "is that him? He seems very nice indeed".

Haha. God.

[LightnessOfBeing]

So true.

Mine just can't do enough for me in front of people. He loves that all the other women are envious of me and wish their husbands were like that. I'm thinking, I don't need you rolling out the red carpet. He thinks that his over the top good deeds make up for his over the top rage, jealousy, etc.

This! It's such a damaging form of reinforcement when unwitting outsiders gush over Dr Jekyll while meanwhile you have to deal with Mr Hyde behind closed doors. Mine has also pulled out this card when I try to get him to take a shred of accountability for the really extreme acting out/rages, or point out that he's doing something hurtful - 'Since everyone else thinks I'm great maybe you're just too judgmental.'

I've had pretty much the exact same moment as VitaminC above - having to go along with a similar hypocritical public 'performance' had me biting my tongue nearly in half.

It's hard being the only ones who know the truth.

[flourdust]

Yes... .and no.

My wife is one of those who maintains a friendly, gregarious facade in public. While I thought that she fooled everyone, I learned that people did see there was something off about her -- they could sense the emotional lability, the drama, the trouble staying within social boundaries. Because they weren't in an intimate relationship with her, they didn't have any need to call her on her actions.

My suspicion is that people like this are not the master actors we think they are. It only seems that way because everyone else has the luxury of not having to confront their behavioral issues.

[lovenature]

BPD is triggered by emotional intimacy; the closer you get the more you are hurt and pushed away, to me this is the saddest part of this awful disorder. The higher functioning the pwBPD is, the better they appear to anyone who isn't too close.

You know what you experienced; compare the good with the bad-nothing changes reality!

[HopefulDad]

My BPDxw is very high functioning.  She is excellent around company.  And it makes perfect sense why: They are not painted black.

Honestly, unless your pwBPD is very low functioning and simply cannot handle being around anyone (whether painted black or white), I would expect pretty much everyone here to reply in a similar manner.

I suspect you are far from being alone.

[HopefulDad]

... .I learned that people did see there was something off about her... .

As an addendum to my previous post:

I also did get some comments from certain people on this, but they couldn't quite put their finger on it.  But in general, those same people thought my BPDxw was overall very sweet.

So I do agree that they may give off some kind of vibe, but perhaps nothing that indicates the depth of your own relationship problems.

[Lucky Jim]

Its all a facade for what is really going on.  Only the closest get to see the dark side, which is why BPD is so insidious.

LJ

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, BPD/NPDh has some people fooled, because he's able to behave normally when he wants to. Of course, there are those who have gotten to see the ugly side too. I depends on how well he likes you. Several past boss' have learned just how hostile he can be.

Most people though, just think he's quiet, and easy going. Nothing could be further from the truth. It must be hard to have to maintain an act all the time. I do know that it's very frustrating to have people believe he is this nice person, when to me, and at home, he can act monstrous. It just feels like such a betrayal, and so disgusting.

[empath]

My h presents well, at least at first.  It's when people have longer-term relationship with him or when they start seeing a pattern that they notice the oddities. I know because at some point they ask me about things.

He isn't as good at hiding as he thinks he is.

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, empath and CB.  People pick up more than you might think, as I learned when my BPDxW and I parted ways.  Some brave friends related that they sensed something was off about her.  LJ

[Cat Familiar]

I've been stunned to find myself in the middle of an argument on three separate occasions with three different pwBPD at restaurants.  I observed them switch from horrible grimacing visages and appalling personal attacks on me to suddenly becoming the most charming, smiling, pleasant person on the planet, when the wait person attended our table. (This was before I realized it was pointless to argue with a pwBPD.)  It was like someone flipped a switch. Then, when left by ourselves, the nasty person immediately returned, and vice versa. Talk about Jeckyl/Hyde!