oh the drama

[formflier]

I said I will not play her game and abandon her

Can your rephrase this?  Make it about you... .no her.


FF

[formflier]

Boundaries are in order!

Awareness of drama triangles is also in order.

There is no need to "investigate" your partners behavior. 

If someone calls you to tattle... ."Oh my... .that seems like something you should talk to (the person they are tattling on) about."   then change subject.

If your partner comes and starts demanding to know details of a phone call or asks if they called... .(yep... .you guessed it)... .refer them back to the caller.

Basically... .you stay out of it.  Stay off the drama triangle.


FF

 

[adaw]

Formflier thank you I only now realize that by playing her game unwittingly I have given her control 

[formflier]

Adaw,

I suppose I'm known for my saying "good, better, best" as a way of evaluating and improving on responses to the things that pwBPD do... .and life in general.

It seems your care deeply about your partner and that there are a lot of common interests between you.

Also undeniable that there are issues in the r/s that center around "BPDish" behaviors and responses to those behaviors.  

I'm here to give you hope... .and ask questions.

1.  YOU can change the relationship dynamic all by yourself.  You don't need to tell your partner about it (in fact... probably best not to).  A "truth" about pwBPD is that many times they "listen" to actions much more than they "listen" to words.  Taking charge of your role in the relationship is a big undertaking, but it is one that bpdfamily can help out with.  

Do you want to take charge of your role in your relationship?


2.  If I am in error about the importance of this relationship to you.  Please clarify.  We also know that in life we can't give "our best" to everything.  There is only so much time and energy to go around.

Is this relationship worth giving your best to?


Note:  No judgment from me or others on your answers to these questions.  What is critical is that you are clear on your answers and that you have thought them through.

Set priorities
Make plans
Start doing those plans
Evaluate how those plans are going
Complete the circle and go back to start of set priorities.

I'm going to end with a bit of a different thought.  Just so you know... .I'm a language "words" guy.  Communications major in college.  Many times the words we use reflect our attitudes, changing words is a big part of changing attitudes.  pwBPD are very... .very sensitive to attitudes, tone, body language.  You will not be able to fake it.

Think about a guy that has decided to "not play the game" that his partner is playing.  "Game" is the word that I want you to focus on.

Think about a guy that has decided to listen to, understand and support his partners "feelings and emotions".

If you were an emotional person, which of those guys would you rather express yourself to?

There is a lot to think about here.  Looking forward to your responses.

FF

[adaw]

Do you want to take charge of your role in your relationship?

Yes I do want and need to.
2.  If I am in error about the importance of this relationship to you.  Please clarify.  We also know that in life we can't give "our best" to everything.  There is only so much time and energy to go around.

Is this ...
My best and more

[adaw]

I was busy fetching tools when she decided to move a heavy block of wood and it slipped slamming her hand against the wall.My hand is broken! I tried to strap the hand in. She did it herself and carried on working. No black and blue and no swelling. I had first aid training. How can they live with all the drama

[adaw]

She realized her broken hand drama didn't upset me. Out came her next trick vomiting this didn't gross me out. Third trick blood pressure after 6 attempts the tester gave a normal reading. Can't you see it is broken we have to get a new one. Then she started to hyperventilate and thought I didn't notice and got a desired reading. I'm about to have a heart attack call an ambulance. I 'called' the ambulance (not really, I went outside for a cuppa and a smoke). I did run her a bath to calm her down. I know me not falling for her non oscar acting will anger her. And I will treat her with the same level of calmness as suggested. I realized I'm dealing with a child.

[formflier]

 
If it is her hand that is hurt.

Let her sort out fixing it.

You can offer your services... ."would you like me to drive you to the... .ER... .whatever?"  Other than that... .stay out of it.


I'll ask another question.

Are you ready to let her be in charge of her role in the relationship?

FF

[waverider]

I know me not falling for her non oscar acting will anger her. And I will treat her with the same level of calmness as suggested. I realized I'm dealing with a child.

You are focusing on not reacting rather than wondering why she is acting this way.

pwBPD cry wolf, when people stop believing there is a wolf, they then cry pack of wolves. The response is simply to up the anti. They struggle to accept the concept that people link events and use that to assess likelihood. This takes continuity of thought. pwBPD do not seem to do this so each "cry wolf" is a stand alone event and hence the compounding effect of skepticism passes them by.

It is better to have minimal reaction which more address the real issue, rather than total blanking which is invalidating. eg when she hurts her hand a simple "I bet that hurt" and leave it at that, it addresses the issue that she wanted you to notice without feeding it or challenging it.

[adaw]

After a set back in my health I recovered and went back to work. My pwBPD joined the agency. Then she started pointing out mistake I am making: 1. I tell influential people I don't have years of experience and I'm not faking to be better than I am.
2. I am not making friends with co-workers.
3. I should stop hunting the next step on the ladder and look for elevator.
4. I have no skill and talent.
So I kept quiet and ddecided to go nc.
Part of my work is to watch movies and I only have late at night or early mornings to do this. She said I'm a lazy sod and to get a real job. I think she is doing this to de motivate me because I am in demand and she is in the background

[formflier]

So I kept quiet and ddecided to go nc.
 

Why listen to this in the first place?

Do you have a decision in her joining the agency in the first place?  I'm not that clear in how this is set up.

I am clear that if someone wants to criticize... .that is their choice.  We can't stop them.  What we can do... .is to take our ears somewhere else.

No need to go NC.  Still have pleasant interactions with her about other topics that are not bothersome.    In fact, I would encourage that. 

No need to justify not listening.  "I'm not able to listen to criticism at the moment... "  end it by walking away.  Don't raise your voice... .just be matter of fact.

If you can see it coming... .offer a clear choice.  "I am so impressed by your insights on (such and such piece of art) I would love to stay and have a conversation about (name the piece)."  This should be very inviting, interested and engaging.  If she persists with criticism switch to matter of fact... ."I can stay and talk about art but I will not discuss criticism"  (don't say "while you are criticizing me"... .that is a accusation)

If she persists... .walk away.

If she switches to art... .stay and talk, no need to bring up criticism again.

FF

[adaw]

She dragged two friends in to back her up. Both were in jail for defrauding people, both are heavily depressed and easily manipulated I have my back against the wall

[formflier]

She dragged two friends in to back her up. Both were in jail for defrauding people, both are heavily depressed and easily manipulated I have my back against the wall

And this matters how?  Not being funny here... . 

Let her bring in 10 friends... .  You live in your world... .let her live in hers.

If you want to put your back against the wall... .do so... .if not... .walk away.

Keep control of your life... let her control her life.

Can you give me more details on "back against the wall"?

FF

[adaw]

Last night she took me on in front of two witnesses with the usual arsenal of BPD weapons deception, half truths, blatant lies, twisted realities, manipulations and gas lightning. For hours I sat and listened to all their attacks. In the end the start hearing her conflicting her accusations. My counselor said I need to get her admitted she is a physical threat to me, herself and others. 

[formflier]

For hours I sat and listened to all their attacks. In the end the start hearing her conflicting her accusations. My counselor said I need to get her admitted she is a physical threat to me, herself and others. 

Why listen?

Talk to me more about this counselor.  How long have you been seeing the counselor? 

I'm not saying the advice is wrong, it would be nice to have a partner that is self aware and honest with others about "their stuff", but in high conflict relationships... .that is unlikely.

But seriously... .why listen?  That is a very negative type of relationship.  You get to choose what type of relationship you will be part of... .and what type you will walk away from.

I hope you will be wise in your choices.

FF

[adaw]

Me the counselor go back to before after I had panic attacks and then I met my BPD so she knows

[formflier]

 
OK... .

So (please correct if I am wrong), the reason you stayed and listened was to try to get her to admit certain things (such as her being a danger)

Am I on the right track here?

FF

[waverider]

Last night she took me on in front of two witnesses with the usual arsenal of BPD weapons deception, half truths, blatant lies, twisted realities, manipulations and gas lightning.

This is abuse

For hours I sat and listened to all their attacks. In the end the start hearing her conflicting her accusations.

Boundaries are used to seperate us from abuse, doesn't matter isf she starts to contradict herself, who is that proving anything to? You know your truth, there is no one else present who needs convincing. Its not a court of law, there is no declared 'winner". Much of what an agitated pwBPD is nonsense whether they contradict themselves or not.

My counselor said I need to get her admitted she is a physical threat to me, herself and others.  

Remove yourself from threat. If she is a threat to others then that is reportable and is a job for the appropriate authorities.

You can't make her do anything, you are not in control of her. Attempting to do so keeps you engaged, which directly fuels it

[adaw]

I tried to step away but where I went they followed. I stayed put so they can finnish their assault and when they were done I withdrew without defending myself. I am working two 18 hours in a row so I moved out of the house and went nc

[formflier]

Adaw,

The story is a bit hard to follow.  But... .if you are trying to disengage (walk away) and they keep after you.  Keep going. 

You have the right to not be abused... .if that takes NC... .so be it.

   

FF

[adaw]

It was getting late and I had to get up early was trying to get to bed so I can bbe in time and well rested for work I couldn't lock a door because she created a scene previously phoning the cops saying I locked myself in and took an overdose of painpills.

[formflier]

  because she created a scene previously phoning the cops saying I locked myself in and took an overdose of painpills.

Did you take painpills? 

I would interpret this as you "saving" her from making another false report?  Eventually... .she will get arrested for this activity.

I would get a recording application for your phone. 

Be clear and firm in your voice when you say "I need to get sleep now.  I'm going to lock the door so I can get rest.  Please leave me alone so I can sleep" 

Go in room and lock the door.

Or... .have a bag ready.  Go to a hotel.  (I've done the hotel thing many times).  Once my wife realized "it" wasn't working for her anymore... .she quit.  I haven't been to the hotel in 9 months or so.

FF