My Story, Narcissistic Mother

[narcdaughter2]

Hello.  My mother is borderline and narcissistic.  My older sister was the golden child, and I was the scapegoat.  I was no contact with my mom for a while many years ago, but then allowed the flying monkeys to drag me back into this insanity.

I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't do something drastic. I"m feeling so stressed, afraid, and unhappy.  I will post more later.  I now have to take a child to school.

[narcdaughter2]

This is lengthy, so I'll post in sections. 

I just introduced myself, and I need to just jump right in and deal with this thing head on. 

I was abused in vile, sick, twisted ways by my borderline, narcissistic, alcoholic and drug dependent mother.  Not sexually, but mostly psychological torture. My mother was cruel and sadistic.  She was not a mother to me in any sense other than to give birth to me, and to just barely take physical care of me.  However I was physically neglected and was underfed and underweight, and I got very ill for months at a time and she would not get me any medical help. 

She was/is a queen/witch borderline.  I have symptoms of autism, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and social anxiety and avoidance, and have never been able to live a normal life, in spite of a great deal of therapy.  I was the 2nd girl of 4 girls, and was the primary scapegoat.  My older sister was the golden child.  She could do no wrong.  My mother compared me to my older sister, and knowingly and cruelly rubbed it in my face that my older sister was wonderful, and I was horrible.  My youngest sister, the 4th child, was also a golden child, and my mother purposely rubbed that in my face too.  I remember as a very young child my mom and oldest sister mocking me and making fun of me.  I would rock and cry in bed every single night before I was able to go to sleep.  Needless to say, I had a terrible sense of shame and inferiority.  I was completely terrified and quiet at school, and the kids bullied me because I was so vulnerable and totally unable to stand up for myself.  I felt like I was grossly defective as a human being. 

I somehow managed to escape a lot of my shyness in high school and made a couple of friends.  I got into alcohol and pot to help me with my shyness.   However, I was still socially awkward (Aspergers syndrome/high functioning autism).  I was able to get through college because I'm highly intelligent.  I had a couple of friends there, too.  During my teen years, my "mother" was downright evil and wicked.  I was virtually locked in the basement for 2 years.  I was only allowed out to eat supper, and go to school.  She continually screamed at me like a psychotic woman, and was also physically abusive. 

[narcdaughter2]

Here is part 2.

Thank God, I got a job as a computer programmer even before I graduated college, and literally had to flee the house after throwing my clothes in the back of my car while she was at my younger sister's graduation

After this, I broke off contact with her.  She went to everyone in the family and convinced them I was the abuser and she was the victim, and they all took her side, and they all (except one sister) cut off contact with me.  I had sisters, aunts, and grandparents all desperately begging me to apologize to her.  My father was badly disabled by a car accident (when I was 8), so he was completely unable to stand up to her, as he had a bad head injury.  After a while of this, my 3 sisters all became her flying monkeys, and they manipulated me into going back into contact with her.  (BIG mistake)  Things got crazy again, and I went no contact, again.

In all honesty, I have to say that my mother also wore the cloak of being a strong Christian (Catholic), and so I was brought up under very strict moral standards, by both parents.  So I also have a load of oppressive ideas about self sacrifice, honoring your parents, forgiveness, giving people new chances.  I was brainwashed.  I believe they used religion to control and opress me.

When my mother first got back together with me, she would be all sweetness and light.  I now realize this was just trying to suck me back in.  However, as a hurt and immature young adult, I so wanted to believe that she had changed, and was now going to love me, and everything would be alright. 

The situation recently (past 14 years) has been that I've been in some contact with her, and for literally years she was nice to me.  However, there has never been any apology or admission of fault, and she pretends like nothing every happened, and I'm ashamed to say I went along with it.  Of course, I always had that red flag inside of me with her, knowing this was probably fake.  I still went along with it, thinking well, my kids need a grandma, ect ect.  Our society makes the idea of family a big idol, and there is incredible pressure on me from society, others, and myself to try to make it work, and act as if we are a normal family. 

My mom falls back into her abusive patterns at times.  A year and a half ago, I did not go over to spend the day with her at mothers day.  The next time I saw her, we were right in front of a restaurant in a public place, there were like 12 relatives all around, and she loudly bawled me out for not coming to see her on mothers day.  At one point she proclaimed loudly and very emphatically, just like a queen "i am THE MOTHER!"  to which I replied, I am a mother too.  However, I said it in a meek and quiet voice. (sigh) 

Then, 2 weeks ago, she started in with her highly toxic behavior comparing me to my golden child sister.  She has a big thing about thank you notes.  She expected her grandchildren to write her thank you notes for gifts.  My kids have never done this, and I don't make a big deal out of it.  They do thank her in person, if she is there when they receive the gift.  However, she goes on to say how when kids don't write thank you notes, it's because the parents have been remiss and have not trained them properly.  Then she goes on to brag about how my sister, her golden child's kids all write thank you notes.  Again, she is comparing me unfavorably to my sister, and telling me I'm a bad parent. 

I have HAD IT WITH THIS!  I can't stand this phony charade anymore.  This woman is not my mother!  She is a poisonous viper.  How can I love and have a relationship with a snake?  All she did was give birth to me, and I had no say so in that.  However, she acts like I owe her and she is so manipulative and controlling.  She has never ever done a thing to nurture me in any way, at all, not even one tiny bit, emotionally.  She is completely cold and soullless on the inside.  I have been giving up my own integrity and my own self just to try and get along with her and act like nothing ever happened.  I've been trying to be the good little Christian, by being the good daughter, but it is killing me inside. 

I want to go no contact, for good this time.  I want to be able to stand up to the flying monkeys.  My older sister, the golden child, is also a narcissist, and is abusive to me, in covert and passive aggressive ways.  She too has been rather nasty to me the past couple of months.  I want to go NC with her s well.  I'm 55 years old.  I regret all of the pain and anguish I have perpetrated on myself by allowing these people into my life.  I've tried confronting and being honest with them and setting boundaries verbally, but they twist, distort, or ignore it, and go right on with their sick, evil gaslighting, put downs, silent treatments, guilt trips, and manipulation.  One Ive been getting a lot is "mom is not going to be around much longer", as if to put me under even more sense of obligation.  I'm like so what, she is 80 years old. So I have to do what, throw aside my own sons and husbands to take care of her, just because she is old, now?  She did nothing to take care of me, except cloth and feed me inadequately, and very begrudgingly as a young child. 

Please help me.  I need the strength to go no contact, and to stay no contact!  Please help me to overcome this horrible feeling of being obligated and trapped.

[narcdaughter2]

I'm now working on the lessons in the very top of this section of the board.  Thank God, I need some structure to help me deal and cope with all this.

[Turkish]

I just wanted to drop in and say a quick welcome 

That's quite a story of abuse and neglect, but you should be proud of yourself for not only making it in the world, but also forming your own family. Despite your relatives, I think of the nuclear family (including single parents with children) as our primary families.

It's good that you're going through the lessons. Let us know what specifically resonates with you.



Turkish

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY  narcdaughter2:

I'd like to join Turkish in welcoming you.  I'm so sorry about everything you have been through.

I have a religious sister who painted me black when our parent's health began to fail.  The decline went very fast, from beginning of failing health to death.  They both passed within a 6-month period of each other.  My sister exhibited classic BPD traits.  I'm the one who went to therapy to try and make sense of what was happening.  It was hard for me to rationalize how someone could appear to be a saint to their church friends, but a devil behind the scenes with a certain individual (s) (usually family).

Currently, I'm basically NC with my sister.  My only interaction with her right now is through her lawyer.  She had to lawyer up, in regard to co-trustee issues.  Being a co-trustee with a BPD is torment. I anticipate that I will be completely NC, whenever we settle simple matters that she chooses to make horrendous issues over.  Sadly, she will be hurt from the lost dollars more than me.

You might find the lessons on FOG helpful.   There is a lot of good information here and very helpful people.  Just take it slow and try not to get overwhelmed.  It took me awhile to understand behavior like splitting and projection. 

What are you doing to care your yourself right now and manage stress?  Have you tried any therapy? 

[narcdaughter2]

Hello Nibbler, I'm trying to find a therapist in my area that specializes in trauma.  I had a full blown flashback the other day.  For stress, I'm limiting my contact with my family of origin, walking, praying, reading the bible, and painting.  Also, reading the first lesson on safety is helping my anxiety level.  The structure and concreteness of the lessons really helps - this away everything isn't just swirling around in my mind.  I'm also looking into a local support group for adults of childhood abuse.  There is a meeting in my area, and I'm waiting to hear back from the moderator.

I'm right now printing the lessons on FOG and will read them tonight.  I realize that I'm so bound up in fear, guilt, and obligation. Thank you for having this website!

[Naughty Nibbler]

 Narcdaughter2:

I'm glad you plan to see a therapist.  I hope you find one that you feel comfortable with.  It can be very comforting to talk through things and get some validation from a professional.

Have you tried any mindfulness exercises?  I'll share the link below with you.  I found it recently. It is a nice little 12-minute vacation for your mind.  There is video of moving water, that can be very relaxing and then an audio that leads you through some mind taming. 

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Mindfulness can be helpful to tame your thoughts.  I have a another mindfulness exercise that I can share with you at a later time.

[Circle]

NarcDaughter2,
I read your first post. Wow; you are so strong to go through all that and survive! I have a narcissist step mother who is intense. I luckily had my real Mom though, who is supportive. I can see though, what you are saying. I'm also the black sheep of my family and #2 of 4. I get scapegoated quite a bit as well. My experience doesn't compare with yours though. It's baffling how little spirits like to claw away at bigger ones. Like crows to hawks. So glad that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. It is true, like you say, that society puts family on this pedestal; even if they treat you like junk. And, it doesn't sound like a bad idea to me, from what you've said, to distance yourself from that. Hang in there with everything. I don't usually look at this board, so I probably won't cross paths much. I'm on the significant-other-relationship boards most of the time. Anyhow, welcome. Keep reading and posting; it totally helps!

[narcdaughter2]

NarcDaughter2,
... .It's baffling how little spirits like to claw away at bigger ones. Like crows to hawks. So glad that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. ... .

I've never thought of it this way.  Thanks for the support and validation. 

[Fie]

Hello Narcdaughter2 

I hope you have found a little more calm since you initially posted your first post some days ago. How is it going now ?
What you went through as a child is horrible. But you are an adult now, and you are able to make your own decisions and go no contact if that is what you want. That would NOT make you a bad person.
For my own reasons I have extremely low contact with my own parents now (my mum is uBPD). Because I felt so guilty taking this decision, I posted some questions about it on these boards, and the answers some members gave  me really helped me to see that we all have the right to choose for ourselves which people we want in  our lives, and  which ones we want out. It's a question of happiness I think. Do you think  you would be happier without your FOO in your life ?
If the answer is yes, then I would strongly suggest you to go through with it. You owe this to yourself, and it will also make you a better mum. Happy mums make happy children.

Let us know how you are feeling !