Radical Acceptance

[need a break]

I am reading a lot about Radical Acceptance in books, and on this board.
I apologized to my D for my part in her illness, which was trying to make her something she is not capable of being.
I have accepted her diagnosis and for a few days we actually were speaking.

Does Radical Acceptance mean watching her self destruct? Specially where are the boundaries here? 
Her idea of self destruction and mine are VERY different. Her idea of functioning and mine are VERY different.

Do I just watch her make poor choices? Do I then pick up the pieces? If I don't then she claims I am abandoning her.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi need a break

I class myself as a newbie to this forum and to BPD. Been active since December.

Have I radically accepted? Yes I believe so, if I'm not then I'm close to it.    We've had a hard road when drugs became my BPDs's life.  I finally accepted that there was nothing else I could do, I can't fix him, so last May 15 and I manoeuvred him out of the house.

I no longer grieve for what he might have been. I've read and now understand his limitations and that (currently) he can only hold a casual job down. He's learning how to manage his money and, regardless if he has a job or works casually, he has to live independently; he's an adult. As an adult, he makes his own choices and he should suffer the consequences because this is how he learns. This is the tricky bit to me and im working on it! It's so hard to watch them struggle isn't it, I've a long history of saving him.

How old is your daughter?

What boundaries do you refer to?

Can you explain further about your views on self destruction and functioning and how they differ from your daughters.

My BPDs returned home in crisis last December and I've been working very hard on better communication, learning validation skills and trying to find a way forward so that we better emotionally support our son while he grows himself. I understand that he's a bit like an orchid and needs nurturing - I'm sorry if this sounds completely bonkers. He's a gentle soul and a quiet BPD who has responded to my change in tactic.  The life lesson I learnt is that I can change myself and hope he responds - amazingly he's been doing so.

Is your daughter in education and/or working?

[need a break]

My D is 28
She does not work or go to school. She was granted disability a couple of years ago.
Boundaries are not being verbally abusive to me when I tell her she can not spend $40.00 per day of food (eating out). The courts have put me in charge of her money and I watch her wasting it time and time again, then pawning things she loves such as musical instruments and other hobby things she did before drugs, mental illness etc.
She lives with her dad who does not charge her any rent nor does she have responsibility. She does however go to therapy, and 12 step meetings.

Here is an example of self destruction or not making a good choice:
She was missing or on the road wherever for about 9 months. In this time she spent all of her savings and I had to pay so she could get home, go back into treatment and get her head on straight.
She has 20 cavities from not taking care of herself. She was a no call no show to the first appt.  She told me she was sick. Later that day my husband told me she had posted on social media that she was out at the beach having fun.
She told me she wants to go to a group home, so I set up an interview and once again no show no call

She is 28 going on 10 and in my eyes not capable of making adult decisions but does not qualify for any kind of guardianship with our state.

She is not a quiet BPD she is abusive, and delusional and manic.

I too have a very long history of saving her about 20 years.

The thing is - is that she thinks she is doing just fine. Yes it is hard to watch then struggle, that is the worst and I am not good at it at all.

Recently I have stopped paying for her no show no call therapy, Dr. dentist  visits. I took the money from her account and she went nuts.
So now I'm the horrible mom who never did/does anything.

Her idea of functioning is simply getting out of bed. I get this but if that's the best you can do then you need additional help. Which I am all about finding for her.

Rock and a hard place for us moms.

Thank you for listening

[Gorges]

I have been looking into al-anon because I am at the point where I want to support my daughter, but I want to have boundaries and stop the enabling.  I also have a younger son at home that I need to protect.

From what I have seen on their website, this might be a good place to look at for radical acceptance ideas.

[Lollypop]

Thanks for getting back,

My first step (pre-dx) was families anonymous. It was a bit too religious for me but it was the turning point for me I. Accepting I was powerless, it was about me not my BPDs.

28 is an adult, as is my BPDs25.

I stopped doing anything he should do for himself. It drove me mad to begin with. Slowly, I got used to it. It isn't easy.  I have to totally admit that we aren't there yet. We help him as long as hes improved and taking responsibility For himself. We are prepared to stop at any time. Communication has been key to help family relationships.

We stopped giving him money on Xmas eve 2015. We gave him a room, fed him. It took 3 weeks for him to realise "shxt I need money for cigarettes, I need money for weed".  He got his first days casual work : all on his own,  we stepped back.  My experience is that they don't start to behave as adults until treated as such. We get weekly rent now, he has a phone contract and us starting to save. Quite unbelievable really.

We don't always get it right. We work hard on communication skills.  He has blossomed with natural maturity and him feeling safe in a loving supportive environment,  We retire in 3 years, we get on with our lives, we demonstrate he's not the centre of our lives.

It's hard I know. It's harder that your daughter lives somewhere else with maybe an inconsistent approach.

Can you talk to your eX after you've read all you can on BPD? maybe you can agree on a consistent way forward?

I'm finally being the parent that my son needs. I can do this only because of the support on this forum. A place I'm not judged, a place I'm gently pointed in the right direction, a patient place when I take my time and reflect on what I feel is comfortable for us as s family. My son doesn't seek treatment and this is very frustrating but we are patient,

Take care of yourself

L

[need a break]

I have been looking into al-anon because I am at the point where I want to support my daughter, but I want to have boundaries and stop the enabling.  I also have a younger son at home that I need to protect.

From what I have seen on their website, this might be a good place to look at for radical acceptance ideas.
I have been to a lot of Alanon meeting through out this 16 year journey, I found the group not very welcoming, and didnt really seem to understand the mental health part of substance abuse. I left and tried a few more but found here in my area it is all about substance abuse. Which to me is secondary to mental illness

Thanks for getting back,

My first step (pre-dx) was families anonymous. It was a bit too religious for me but it was the turning point for me I. Accepting I was powerless, it was about me not my BPDs.

28 is an adult, as is my BPDs25.

I stopped doing anything he should do for himself. It drove me mad to begin with. Slowly, I got used to it. It isn't easy.  I have to totally admit that we aren't there yet. We help him as long as hes improved and taking responsibility For himself. We are prepared to stop at any time. Communication has been key to help family relationships.

We stopped giving him money on Xmas eve 2015. We gave him a room, fed him. It took 3 weeks for him to realise "shxt I need money for cigarettes, I need money for weed".  He got his first days casual work : all on his own,  we stepped back.  My experience is that they don't start to behave as adults until treated as such. We get weekly rent now, he has a phone contract and us starting to save. Quite unbelievable really.

We don't always get it right. We work hard on communication skills.  He has blossomed with natural maturity and him feeling safe in a loving supportive environment,  We retire in 3 years, we get on with our lives, we demonstrate he's not the centre of our lives.

It's hard I know. It's harder that your daughter lives somewhere else with maybe an inconsistent approach.

Can you talk to your eX after you've read all you can on BPD? maybe you can agree on a consistent way forward?

I'm finally being the parent that my son needs. I can do this only because of the support on this forum. A place I'm not judged, a place I'm gently pointed in the right direction, a patient place when I take my time and reflect on what I feel is comfortable for us as s family. My son doesn't seek treatment and this is very frustrating but we are patient,

Take care of yourself

L

[need a break]

Thanks for getting back,

My first step (pre-dx) was families anonymous. It was a bit too religious for me but it was the turning point for me I. Accepting I was powerless, it was about me not my BPDs.

28 is an adult, as is my BPDs25.

I stopped doing anything he should do for himself. It drove me mad to begin with. Slowly, I got used to it. It isn't easy.  I have to totally admit that we aren't there yet. We help him as long as hes improved and taking responsibility For himself. We are prepared to stop at any time. Communication has been key to help family relationships.

We stopped giving him money on Xmas eve 2015. We gave him a room, fed him. It took 3 weeks for him to realise "shxt I need money for cigarettes, I need money for weed".  He got his first days casual work : all on his own,  we stepped back.  My experience is that they don't start to behave as adults until treated as such. We get weekly rent now, he has a phone contract and us starting to save. Quite unbelievable really.

We don't always get it right. We work hard on communication skills.  He has blossomed with natural maturity and him feeling safe in a loving supportive environment,  We retire in 3 years, we get on with our lives, we demonstrate he's not the centre of our lives.

It's hard I know. It's harder that your daughter lives somewhere else with maybe an inconsistent approach.

Can you talk to your eX after you've read all you can on BPD? maybe you can agree on a consistent way forward?

I'm finally being the parent that my son needs. I can do this only because of the support on this forum. A place I'm not judged, a place I'm gently pointed in the right direction, a patient place when I take my time and reflect on what I feel is comfortable for us as s family. My son doesn't seek treatment and this is very frustrating but we are patient,

Take care of yourself

L

Thank you for the suggestions and hopeful words. At this point we are once again estranged. Her dad will not ask her to leave his house, so there is no consistency. I will handle her finances as she can not make responsible decisions. This will make her angry but this is what the court has told me to do.

Thank you again and the best to you and your family.