Do I step in or let her make big mistakes

[confused mum]

Hi. I am a new member from Australia. My 16 year old daughter has BPD and we have been having problems with her cutting, lying, being secretive, running away and self-destructive behaviour for the last 3 years. She has recently left home which has me heart-broken. I know she is living somewhere other than the place she told me she was living, and I know a lot more about the situations she is in, than she is telling me. She left her facebook account open on my laptop, so even though she blocks me from most of her posts, I can see them when I use my own laptop. My question is, do I let her continue living and mixing with the wrong crowd, or do I sit back and monitor the situation from my laptop via Facebook? I am torn between knowingly letting her make big mistakes and stepping in to be the adult (even though she wants no help from me and is pretending that everything is ok). I'm already feeling like a failure and don't recognise my daughter's behaviour, so to let this continue seems like I'm being an irresponsible parent, yet I know I can't control her behaviour and her choices are hers. But being BP, is she really in control of her choices?

I love this site and would appreciate advice from other parents in similar situations. Thanks you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi confusedmom,

So glad that you found us, we are happy to have you here.

Your d16 is still an adolescent, she isn't an adult... .BPD or no BPD.  While it is hard to raise her and protect her you are her mom and she needs your guidance.  There will be hard times ahead and you can't protect her from all of  the consequences of her choices (nor should you in most situations).  When we are unable to keep our kids safe from themselves then it's time to look for alternatives.

Has she been in therapy consistently? Have you attended sessions with her to understand her struggles better and learn the skills she is being presented with?

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning more about you and your daughter.

lbjnltx

PS... .kids exaggerate and make up stories to gain attention on facebook and other social media... .can't believe everything you read. 

[confused mum]

Thank you for your reply. Yes, she has had counselling for the last 2.5 years and recently spent 3 weeks at a private mental health facility for adolescents. This was after she cut herself at school and was taken to hospital. Prior to that she had been wanting to leave school and I had said no. As I am typing this, I am wondering if I enabled her leaving school because I told her she could leave school if she went to the clinic to get help. I was desperate and wanted to keep my daughter happy. Her underlying issues are feeling like she doesn't belong in our family, low self esteem. No matter how much I try to include her and reassure her that she is loved, it seems to make no difference. Since I last posted, she has told me some truths about her living situation and other things, so I am hopeful that the distance of the last 4 weeks is making her happier. Which makes me the problem she couldn't bear to live with, and that hurts too.

[need a break]

Hi,
We have been going through this for 17 years. I say since she is a minor do everything you can to keep her safe and lots of therapy for her and your family. Please make sure where ever you are sending her or who ever she is seeing is actually certified in DBT. Sadly many RTC and private therapist say they know how to deal with BPD but in fact do extra damage.
My D was miss diagnosed for 10 years so we got a late start. She is now 28 and things are very bad. I wish I could go back and knew what I now know.
My first book that I read was "walking on eggshells".  I think it will help you learn how to speak to her and you will understand what you are up against.

Sending you much strength

[wendydarling]

Hi confused mum   and welcome 

I agree with you, treatment is no one priority, it is in our lives too, for us it takes the pressure off all life expectations, stresses - till recovery.

How come your daughter left home?

WDx