Broke NC in a BIG way; messed up majorly

[chillamom]

Hi, everyone,

Don't even know if I should post this, because I am chastened and ashamed.  I'm back to square 1 on LC/NC and set back seriously in general, although WOW I want to detach even more and if I thought there was even an iota of a chance for "us" now I don't.

For those of you seeking closure, I have one word of advice now:  DON'T. 

dBPD/NPDexbf had been begging/crying/pleading/raging for the better part of the past week about coming over to get some stuff he has had in my closet for like literally 5 years and HARDLY needs.  Told him I'd pack it up, told my T I'd have someone here at least when he came over to get it if he refused to let me pack it up, told my daughters who are away on a "sister trip" this week that I wouldn't let him over when I was alone. 

I AM A LIAR.  I LET HIM COME OVER.  I SLEPT WITH HIM.  I LET HIM MANIPULATE/GUILT ME INTO SAYING THINGS I DID'NT WANT TO SAY BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.  I HATE MY WEAKNESS. 

I let him come over and we had a nice conversation for a half hour or so.  Then when I suggested I would wait downstairs while he got his stuff and help pack it in the car, he started in on the "I love you, I need you, etc. etc. literally crying and pleading to God to help him when I told him that I had merely wanted to give us the opportunity to talk a bit and return his stuff.  After an hour of tears and begging, I told him FINE we can have sex.  God I hate myself and it was just horribly sad.  Afterwards we were both crying and I started to try and talk to him again about the many very practical reasons why this cant work (my kids hate him, I cant have more children and he wants them, there is no trust etc etc) BUT HE WOULDN'T STOP BEGGING. 

Ultimately I went out for some food with him because food always calms him down and afterwards he INSISTED REPEATEDLY that he was going to change, that he would NEVER do things to hurt me again (I've heard THAT before) and that we were really right for each other.  At this point I was crying hard and had already gotten so upset that I threw up in the bathroom of the restaurant and he WOULDN'T GET OUT OF THE CAR until I told him I'd think about it. 

He detained me for half an hour crying and screaming and saying he "just wants to get along" and he loves me and he can't lose me and it went on and on and on.  I finally managed to get him out of the car and am so sick now that I am contemplating going to the ER (I have a heart arrhythmia that is acting up terribly).

I TOLD HIM HE IS LITERALLY KILLING ME BECAUSE I THINK HE MIGHT JUST ACTUALLY BE KILLING ME. All he cares about is I'm being "mean" to him by not agreeing to be back in the relationship, which he will insist that I agreed to be.

My head is spinning, my heart is pounding, I have to find the strength to CUT HIM OUT TONIGHT WITH TOTAL NC BECAUSE NOW I KNOW FOR SURE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DONT. 

Still, I feel worse for him than I do for me.  He will end up back in the mental hospital (where he has been several times in the past few years) if I go NC but THIS IS KILLING ME.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent  I feel so ashamed.  I feel so used.  I feel so sick.  If nothing else, please help with the support I need to make this stop NOW.

And guess what... .HIS CRAP IS STILL HERE.

DON'T LOOK FOR CLOSURE.  Like others have said, give it to yourself!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey CM-

Pretty intense adventure you just had, and it's over, and now you get to decide what to make it mean.  Your resolve didn't hold up to his persistence clearly, so the first step is to accept you're not far enough along in your detachment to deal with him alone, and BTW, what a great way to check in with how your detachment is going, instant feedback yes?  And an opportunity to recommit to your resolve moving forward, with this new information, change what needs to change, keep what was working, let go of what wasn't, and move forward into a detached future.

First thing to me is get his stuff out of your house immediately, like today, even going as far as hiring a courier or something to come get it and take it to him; that can be used as a reason to see you and something to hang over you, to keep the attachment alive.  And under no circumstances let him come get it, we saw how well that worked yes?

And now that you've confirmed for us that looking for closure from a borderline won't work, and not only because they have a personality disorder but because we're still emotionally enmeshed with them, triggers all around, and if we weren't, if we were detached, we wouldn't need closure because we've already given it to ourselves, so now that you've confirmed it's not the best plan, what can you do starting right now to move towards your own closure?  Good to find something, might as well use the emotion you're feeling right now as motivation fuel to help you move towards an empowered future yes?

[chillamom]

From Heeltoheal, thanks for your words of wisdom, really.  Right now I am too distraught to think clearly, but oh yes indeed, I now know that my detachment is quite ineffectual and fragile.  I simply can't let myself be charmed in, but the pity and guilt right now is overwhelming.  Not a good way to check on the detachment process, for sure!

I told him that I cant be the glue that holds him together, and he basically admitted that relying on me for that was indeed a part of why he "loves" me so much, but keeping him together would come at a cost of ripping me apart entirely and I cant let him do that.  So I won't.  I will find the motivation here to make NC a reality, because I see now that I cant do it any other way.  Kindness is unfortunately not something I feel I can offer him without him being given the proverbial inch and eventually getting the proverbial mile... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I will find the motivation here to make NC a reality, because I see now that I cant do it any other way.

There you go, something you can see now that you couldn't see before, a benefit!

Kindness is unfortunately not something I feel I can offer him without him being given the proverbial inch and eventually getting the proverbial mile... .

And kindness starts with kindness towards ourselves.  Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give, and kindness towards him is depleting for you anyway.  Time to take care of chillamom without compromise yes?