The Perfect Storm

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’ve written and journaled a great deal over the last few months in an attempt to process what’s happened between my wife and I. The words seemed to come together quickly and flow into a clear narrative. However, looking back on what I wrote then compared to my new understandings, and over $20,000 gone in legal fees and other nonsense later, I’m finding that I will have to retell a more complex and detailed story.

It took the shock of my wife abandoning our little family twice, her infidelities and her psychotic behavior, before I could recover my head and heart from living in close proximity of an unstable nuclear reactor that was my wife—warming, glowing, but deadly to those closest---and a family friend who slipped me a couple key books to read ("Splitting" and "Walking on Eggshells".

I started by writing:
"I’ve finally figured it out. After all this time and after all these years. It makes so much sense. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I’m just thankful that I do now, although some part of me wishes I could have said or done something sooner."

Then I launched into a walk down memory lane where I recounted how our relationship and marriage started, and got harder and harder and weirder and weirder as the spiral deepened and time passed. But what I’d finally figured out was only the tip of the iceberg. In addition, I was still under the spell of magical thinking that I should have or could have done something or anything to fix or improve things beyond what I was responsible for and in control of.

Three weeks ago I finished boxing up my wife’s things and gave her two weeks notice (as suggest by my lawyer) to pick everything up in a truck. So far she hasn’t communicated any intention to pick up the things she's asked for that I’ve agreed she can have.

I understand that there are a lot of details that are missing in this initial post. I've posted in the custody board, but I'll summarize (and I'm learning how to use the abbreviations that are common here) here and fill in the details as I go.

She is UstbxBPD/NPD and our son is 2.5 years old. She fled the home at the end of June, and is currently living with her mother about 2 hours North of me. She's been giving me the silent treatment, and for the most part I've been consistently NC for non-child related things, and I'm quickly learning LC regarding our son. And anything regarding our son, I have a 48 delay rule in responding to unless it's an emergency.

We have a temporary 50/50 shared custody parenting plan, which is week-on/week-off. The only reason I'm allowing parenting time with the wife is because it's in the MIL's home, who happens to be a child development specialist and is a mandatory reporter. While I believe the MIL is a negative advocate/enabler, she's really good with and for our son.

Parenting plan mediation was a failure (which shouldn't surprise anyone), and the next stage suggested by my lawyer was a custody evaluation (CE), which UstbxBPDw indicated she couldn't afford (after taking $10k of funds including the entire $3500 savings from our son). Fine, I'll pay for it to avoid delays. She'd had the paperwork to sign for voluntary CE for over a week, and then out of the blue her lawyer sends this:

"WIFE wishes to resolve, at a minimum, the issue of custody, parenting time, and child support and enter a limited judgment as to those issues. WIFE proposes that HUSBAND be awarded custody of SON, and that WIFE have parenting time the first week of each month for the next year until Aaidyn begins pre-k."
 
"Once SON begins pre-k WIFE would like to have the option to exercise up to 12 weeks of parenting time each year, to occur by agreement of the parties over the summer and holidays, and during school time if the parties reside in the same location or WIFE is able to travel to the location where HUSBAND lives."
 
"WIFE agrees to custody evaluation if HUSBAND still wants to pay for it, but hopes that this offer resolves the matter and can allow the parties to move forward."
 
"My client indicates to me that she simply cannot keep fighting HUSBAND and enduring his behavior. It is bad for everyone involved, and especially SON."

My lawyer also spoke to my wife's lawyer by phone and the following was relayed:
"WIFE stated you told her you had her THERAPISTS records, which she is apparently quite upset about."

Thankfully my lawyer is out of the office until Monday, which gives me enough time to think things through. Here is my draft response that I'd like to get feedback on. I normally give my lawyer a short answer and a long answer with more detail.

Short Answer:

I maintain my consistent position that SON's time be in MIL's home with MIL supervising/monitoring, unless and until WIFE can demonstrate that she is under professional care.

Going forward we need to be more assertive, set boundaries, limits and rigid time tables.

I'll post the long answer next... .

[Kowalski]

I’ve written and journaled a great deal over the last few months in an attempt to process what’s happened between my wife and I. The words seemed to come together quickly and flow into a clear narrative. However, looking back on what I wrote then compared to my new understandings, and over $20,000 gone in legal fees and other nonsense later, I’m finding that I will have to retell a more complex and detailed story.

It took the shock of my wife abandoning our little family twice, her infidelities and her psychotic behavior, before I could recover my head and heart from living in close proximity of an unstable nuclear reactor that was my wife—warming, glowing, but deadly to those closest---and a family friend who slipped me a couple key books to read ("Splitting" and "Walking on Eggshells".

I started by writing:
"I’ve finally figured it out. After all this time and after all these years. It makes so much sense. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I’m just thankful that I do now, although some part of me wishes I could have said or done something sooner."

Then I launched into a walk down memory lane where I recounted how our relationship and marriage started, and got harder and harder and weirder and weirder as the spiral deepened and time passed. But what I’d finally figured out was only the tip of the iceberg. In addition, I was still under the spell of magical thinking that I should have or could have done something or anything to fix or improve things beyond what I was responsible for and in control of.

Three weeks ago I finished boxing up my wife’s things and gave her two weeks notice (as suggest by my lawyer) to pick everything up in a truck. So far she hasn’t communicated any intention to pick up the things she's asked for that I’ve agreed she can have.

I understand that there are a lot of details that are missing in this initial post. I've posted in the custody board, but I'll summarize (and I'm learning how to use the abbreviations that are common here) here and fill in the details as I go.

She is UstbxBPD/NPD and our son is 2.5 years old. She fled the home at the end of June, and is currently living with her mother about 2 hours North of me. She's been giving me the silent treatment, and for the most part I've been consistently NC for non-child related things, and I'm quickly learning LC regarding our son. And anything regarding our son, I have a 48 delay rule in responding to unless it's an emergency.

We have a temporary 50/50 shared custody parenting plan, which is week-on/week-off. The only reason I'm allowing parenting time with the wife is because it's in the MIL's home, who happens to be a child development specialist and is a mandatory reporter. While I believe the MIL is a negative advocate/enabler, she's really good with and for our son.

Parenting plan mediation was a failure (which shouldn't surprise anyone), and the next stage suggested by my lawyer was a custody evaluation (CE), which UstbxBPDw indicated she couldn't afford (after taking $10k of funds including the entire $3500 savings from our son). Fine, I'll pay for it to avoid delays. She'd had the paperwork to sign for voluntary CE for over a week, and then out of the blue her lawyer sends this:

"WIFE wishes to resolve, at a minimum, the issue of custody, parenting time, and child support and enter a limited judgment as to those issues. WIFE proposes that HUSBAND be awarded custody of SON, and that WIFE have parenting time the first week of each month for the next year until Aaidyn begins pre-k."
 
"Once SON begins pre-k WIFE would like to have the option to exercise up to 12 weeks of parenting time each year, to occur by agreement of the parties over the summer and holidays, and during school time if the parties reside in the same location or WIFE is able to travel to the location where HUSBAND lives."
 
"WIFE agrees to custody evaluation if HUSBAND still wants to pay for it, but hopes that this offer resolves the matter and can allow the parties to move forward."
 
"My client indicates to me that she simply cannot keep fighting HUSBAND and enduring his behavior. It is bad for everyone involved, and especially SON."

My lawyer also spoke to my wife's lawyer by phone and the following was relayed:
"WIFE stated you told her you had her THERAPISTS records, which she is apparently quite upset about."

Thankfully my lawyer is out of the office until Monday, which gives me enough time to think things through. Here is my draft response that I'd like to get feedback on. I normally give my lawyer a short answer and a long answer with more detail.

Short Answer:

I maintain my consistent position that SON's time be in MIL's home with MIL supervising/monitoring, unless and until WIFE can demonstrate that she is under professional care.

Going forward we need to be more assertive, set boundaries, limits and rigid time tables.

I'll post the long answer next... .

[Kowalski]

Longer Answer:

No matter the amount of time that WIFE wants to spend with SON, I will not budge from the requirement that it be in MIL's home and supervised/monitored by MIL, until such time that WIFE is able to demonstrate and that she is under professional physical care, mental health care and demonstrating good self-care. This has been my consistent position from the start and I will not compromise on it.

If she can’t agree to that stipulation, then full stop, and we’ll have to move forward with a custody evaluation (CE).

Regarding the CE, my growing concern is that while WIFE's lawyer states that WIFE is still willing to voluntarily agree to submit to a CE, I believe based her pattern of behavior, it’s likely that WIFE will derail the effort by not cooperating with appointments, dragging her feet and/or demonstrating classic avoidant behavior. Therefore the stipulated order for CE will need to be rewritten and resubmitted with timelines and consequences for not complying. As it stands right now with the way the stipulated order is written, her non-compliance would impact SON and me only.

There also needs to be consideration given to MIL. SON's quality of life is enhanced with the involvement of MIL as his grandmother and I want to continue and encourage it now and into the future. In the past, WIFE has banned MIL from SON's life due to trivial issues and misperceptions (called “splitting”), and I refuse to do that. Therefore, I can’t agree to a parenting plan without including MIL somehow.

Regarding her property, at some point I’m going to be moving... .I will not be moving her stuff with me. I need a hard deadline set for her to pick up her stuff, and consequences if she doesn’t such as monthly storage fees or whatever you suggest.

Lastly, she’s exceeded my limits regarding her false claims and distortion campaigns, such as “enduring” my “behavior” and that I somehow communicated to her that I had "THERAPIST records.” It’s been all quiet on my end of things with either No Contact (NC) for non-SON matters or limited contact (LC) regarding SON matters.

In the future, I would suggest, and even go so far as to ask, that you assertively ask for documentation and proof of her assertions instead of just letting it slide. The more that proof is asked for, the more WIFE will be subjected to her fears of exposure or appearing inferior (two out of five core fears). As is typical behavior with someone with borderline personality disorder traits, there is a ramp up of acting out and accusations to test limits or compliance, and when they don’t get the responses they’re looking for, they eventually give up. Regardless of the results, it would serve our purposes to either document the behavior or get the behavior stopped.

She can so easily make these false claims and continue her distortion campaign because nobody has stood up to her (until me and OTHER GRANDMOTHER), explained what the consequences are, nor delivered and enforced the consequences. I need you to consistently stand up for me, explain the consequences and deliver the consequences within the law. If I need to pay you more to do that, let me know.

Under "RANDOM NOTES" I add:

What’s in the best interests for SON is that I have full legal custody and that his mother and grandmother continue to be involved in his life. While I have my doubts that week-on/week-off is best for SON at his age (too much time being separated from either parent), and I personally hate it because WIFE isn’t willing to cooperatively co-parent, SON seems to be doing fine with it and benefits from his time with them.

I suspect she’s thrown me the bone of legal custody in hopes I’ll back off on the monitored/supervised requirement as well as the CE, due to her fears of exposure and appearing inferior. Her spending only one week a month with SON is not what I want nor do I believe it’s in the best interests of SON (nor MIL for that matter).

Other than suggesting 70/30 as part of a negotiation ploy during mediation to “feel her out", at no time have I indicated or suggested that I want to reduce WIFE's time with SON. I have consistently encouraged and supported SON's time with her and his grandmother. Therefore, if WIFE only wants one week a month with SON, she has to clearly indicate that’s exactly what she wants and why, and completely remove any direct or implied blame from me. She needs to take full and direct responsibility for her decisions.

What’s best for everyone involved is a parenting plan that is highly detailed and leaves little room for interpretation. That’s the recommendation from numerous authoritative sources when dealing with “high conflict personalities” like WIFE's. Therefore the “options” she speaks about are sketchy and could generate needless drama. These “options” should be spelled out in great detail with provisions for what would happen if WIFE pulls back even further from SON's life, which I expect she’ll do.

[Kowalski]

This is what I ended up sending to my lawyer to be read Monday afternoon:

This is rather long, so I’ve broken in up into three parts for easy digestion as you see fit, leading with the most important points, and providing additional supporting information and material that you may not even have to read right now.


Short Answer:

We need to maintain and reiterate my consistent position that D2's time with UstbxBPD/NPBw be in MIL’s home with MIL supervising/monitoring, unless and until WIFE can demonstrate that she is under professional care.

Going forward we need to be more consistent, assertive, set and maintain boundaries, limits and establish rigid time tables with consequences for non-compliance. That includes a hard property pickup deadline, and an end to her false claims and continued distortion campaign

Long Answer next... .

[Kowalski]

Longer Answer:

I’ve seen this coming. It’s a proposal that W was ruminating privately and with others at the end of June. What prompted it’s appearance now is a mystery to me since neither you nor me have pushed the topic of custody and parenting time. The only thing I can think is perhaps MIL has gone back to her internship leaving W to care for S by herself. Or perhaps a combination of the loss of MIL with W's fears of what a custody evaluation (CE) might reveal.

(Short of a PI or what could be revealed in a CE, there’s no way to tell what the dynamic with W and MIL has been and who’s doing what, when and how in terms of parenting and care-taking of S.)

But here’s the thing, no matter the amount of time that W wants to spend with S, I will not budge from the requirement that it be in MIL’s home and supervised/monitored by MIL, until such time as W is able to demonstrate and that she is under professional physical care, mental health care and demonstrating good self-care. This has been my consistent position from the start and I will not compromise on it.

If she can’t agree to that stipulation, then full stop, and we’ll have to move forward with a custody evaluation (CE).

If we need to throw in something for negotiation, we could say that I’m willing to agree that I too must also remain under professional physical care, mental health care and demonstrate good self-care. (Snark warning!) Oh wait, I’m already doing that.

I suspect she’s thrown me the bone of legal custody in hopes I’ll back off on the monitored/supervised requirement as well as the CE, due to her fears of exposure and appearing inferior (see Random Background Notes for more info). Her spending only one week a month with S is not what I want nor do I believe it’s in the best interests of S (nor MIL for that matter).

While I believe it is in the best interests of S that I have full legal custody, I also believe that his mother and grandmother should continue to be involved in his life. While I have my doubts that the current week-on/week-off is best for S at his age (too much time being separated from either parent), and I personally hate it because W isn’t willing to cooperatively co-parent, S seems to be doing just fine with it and benefits from his time with them.

Regardless, I’m fully willing to submit to a CE and implement whatever they recommend.

Regarding the CE, my belief is that while W's attorney states that W is still willing to voluntarily agree to submit to a CE, I believe based on her pattern of behavior, it’s likely that W will derail the effort by not cooperating with appointments, dragging her feet and/or demonstrating classic avoidant behavior. Therefore the stipulated order for CE will need to be rewritten and resubmitted with timelines and consequences for not complying. As it stands right now with the way the stipulated order is written, her non-compliance would impact S and me only.

There also needs to be consideration given to MIL. S's quality of life is enhanced with the involvement of MIL as his grandmother and I want to continue and encourage it now and into the future. In the past, W has banned MIL from S's life due to trivial issues and misperceptions (called “splitting”), and I refuse to do that. Therefore, I can’t agree to a parenting plan without including MIL somehow.

Regarding her property, at some point I’m going to be moving... .I will not be moving her stuff with me. I need a hard deadline set for her to pick up her stuff, and consequences if she doesn’t such as monthly storage fees or whatever you suggest.

And speaking of which there’s the matter of my very short list of property, which for the most part can be handed over at any time in a small box during any of the S exchanges.

Lastly, she’s exceeded my limits regarding her false claims and distortion campaigns, such as “enduring” my “behavior” and that I somehow communicated to her that I had her "T's records.” (Did you say something to W's attorney about what W therapist said to you by phone? I ask because haven’t said anything to her.)  It’s been all quiet on my end of things with either No Contact (NC) for non-S matters or limited contact (LC) regarding S matters.

In the future, I would suggest, and even go so far as to ask, that you assertively ask for documentation and proof of her assertions instead of just letting it slide. The more that proof is asked for, the more W will be subjected to her fears of exposure or appearing inferior.

As is typical behavior with someone with borderline personality disorder traits, there is a ramp up of acting out and accusations to test limits or compliance, and when they don’t get the responses they’re looking for, they eventually give up. Regardless of the results, it would serve our purposes to either document the behavior or get the behavior stopped.

She can so easily make these false claims and continue her distortion campaign because nobody has stood up to her (until me and other grandmother), explained what the consequences are, nor delivered and enforced the consequences. I need you to consistently stand up for me, explain the consequences and deliver the consequences within the law. If I need to pay you more to do that, let me know.

[Kowalski]

Random Background Notes:

Other than suggesting 70/30 as part of a negotiation ploy during mediation to “feel her out", at no time have I indicated or suggested that I want to reduce W's time with S. I have consistently encouraged and supported S's time with her and his grandmother. Therefore, if W is only capable of and/or only wants one week a month with S, she has to clearly indicate that’s exactly what she wants and why, and completely remove any direct or implied blame from me. She needs to take full and direct responsibility for her decisions.

What’s best for everyone involved is a parenting plan that is highly detailed and leaves little room for interpretation. That’s the recommendation from numerous authoritative sources when dealing with “high conflict personalities” like W's. Therefore the “options” she speaks about are sketchy and could generate needless drama. These “options” should be spelled out in great detail with provisions for what would happen if W pulls back even further from S's life, which I expect she’ll do.

Now that you have seen, understand and believe me regarding the spiral of behavior that I’ve been describing and dealing with, we need to move into territory that makes me cringe and may seem “Machiavellian": Identifying, leveraging and exploiting W's fears in order to protect myself and S.

The following is adapted from the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy: How to Get Rid of His Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life” by Dr. Tara J. Palmatier: "Identifying and Leveraging Her Fears"

I then include an excerpt from the book. I've had to do a lot of PD and HCP education of my attorney.

[ForeverDad]

Random Background Notes:

Other than suggesting 70/30 as part of a negotiation ploy during mediation to “feel her out", at no time have I indicated or suggested that I want to reduce W's time with S. I have consistently encouraged and supported S's time with her and his grandmother. Therefore, if W is only capable of and/or only wants one week a month with S, she has to clearly indicate that’s exactly what she wants and why, and completely remove any direct or implied blame from me. She needs to take full and direct responsibility for her decisions.

It is nice that you're not blocking your spouse, that you're trying to set structure that is good for your child.  However, I would encourage you to review your thoughts on parenting time.  In general, we here who have faced high conflict have found that being overly fair works to our disadvantage, in other words, we sabotage ourselves.  What I'm saying is that it is better to have majority time.

Why?  While it may not be directly applicable, 5 years ago I got legal custody and kept the preexisting equal time since that was what the GAL wanted.  Since I made more than my Ex, I paid her child support even though I had full custody.  Guess what?  I got paperwork from CSEA that I was the non-primary parent.  I called and explained that I had full custody and they said that their state software described all parents paying child support as non-primary parents.  There was no box for declaring which parent was primary or not.  Anyway, I let that go.  Getting custody wasn't enough in my case, my Ex was just as oppositional, I returned two years later to court - two full days - and got majority time.  Finally her entitlement bubble deflated a little.  The cost to get majority time?  My lawyer says he showed his bill to the other lawyer.  It was over $20K.  Fortunately he didn't make me pay it all.  That's why I say being 'fair' to yearn for equal time can sabotage you.  Of course, your spouse doesn't sound as obstructive as mine was.

You're not being mean if you agree to her having limited parenting time.  Your child would do best with more time spent in a stable environment.  Yes, MIL can be a good influence too, but do you want to obligate her to supervising so much?  What I'm saying is that if an equal time order obligates you to have only 50% parenting time then you're stuck - or you go back to court to get it fixed - if that doesn't become practical for her and MIL.  On the other hand, if you had majority time from the start then when your spouse has better days or MIL is freely available, then you could grant additional time.  I'm not heartless, I'm just saying it's better to have solid parenting and grant additional time as appropriate rather than be obligated to an order that may not be for the best and takes time and money to modify.

[Kowalski]

Thanks for chiming in ForeverDad.

It is nice that you're not blocking your spouse, that you're trying to set structure that is good for your child.  However, I would encourage you to review your thoughts on parenting time.  In general, we here who have faced high conflict have found that being overly fair works to our disadvantage, in other words, we sabotage ourselves.  What I'm saying is that it is better to have majority time.

This makes a lot of sense, and it's a perspective I hadn't considered. While I will still require her parenting time monitored/supervised by the MIL, if she wants to reduce her time down to only one week a month, then it's a good place to start as long as I'm flexible to allow and support more time if/as she recovers.

... .if you had majority time from the start then when your spouse has better days or MIL is freely available, then you could grant additional time.  I'm not heartless, I'm just saying it's better to have solid parenting and grant...

I would love to spend even more time with my S, and the consistency and structure would do him well. I want to include the MIL as she wants to be included, but so far because she's been a negative advocate for her D and it's been NC. So I want to get her input via the proper legal channels.

Regardless, I think you've hit on some really important points and a different way to think about it for sure. Thank you!

[flourdust]

Can you really have an enforceable negotiated plan where your ex-wife has custody only when supervised by her mother? Sure, you can put it on paper, but if she has custody for a week, she can realistically do whatever she wants for that week. Unless the MIL is a party to the legal agreement, she's not obligated to follow it.

Court-ordered custody is different -- they can order supervised visitation, though I think it is more common for the supervisor to be a professional than a family member.

[Kowalski]

Can you really have an enforceable negotiated plan where your ex-wife has custody only when supervised by her mother? Sure, you can put it on paper, but if she has custody for a week, she can realistically do whatever she wants for that week. Unless the MIL is a party to the legal agreement, she's not obligated to follow it.

If she voluntarily agrees to it, I would think so. However I'm no lawyer, so I rely on my attorney to tell me what's legal and possible or even probable.

Making the MIL a party to the legal agreement is what I'm suggesting, but again I'll defer to my attorney.

Court-ordered custody is different -- they can order supervised visitation, though I think it is more common for the supervisor to be a professional than a family member.

Even though the MIL is a mandatory reporter and a child development professional, there's no guarantee that she would report her own daughter. Most likely she would not. However, regardless of my problems with the MIL as a negative advocate and enabler for her daughter, she's really good with and for our son.

It's probable that "supervised" in the case of a family member is not an appropriate or applicable term here, which is why I also included the word "monitored." As long as the MIL is around and parenting time is in her home, I feel very comfortable and not worried.

I'll report back what I hear in response from my lawyer.

[ForeverDad]

I want to include the MIL as she wants to be included, but so far because she's been a negative advocate for her D and it's been NC.

Ah, so blood IS thicker than water, to at least some extent.  From your previous posts I had imagined MIL was a real positive influence.  "Negative advocate" doesn't sound very positive at all.  Remember, you have more than a decade to go.

Also, if MIL is a professional, she probably still works, right?  Who will monitor while MIL is away at work?

Generally we encourage to get the very best order you can get from the beginning, it's very hard - especially for a father - to get improvements later.  While my case isn't necessarily typical and my Ex was able to hold herself together with most people (except me), every improvement in the order was incremental.  We entered the legal system when he was 3, he was nearly 12 when we got the latest modification.  I call that period "the Lost Decade".  Two years in divorce process as alternate weekend dad, walked out with equal time.  After continuing incidents, I went back to court for an 18 month case and got custody.  After continuing incidents, I went back to court for an 18 month case and got majority time.

What I'm saying is that you're starting out so much better than me, evidently my Ex and your Ex aren't that similar as to functioning or history.  So please don't gift away advantages, it may take ridiculous time and oodles of money to get your current advantages back if your Good Intentions aren't enough.

Why let her have a full week at a time?  My son is 14 now and and during the summer we have equal time but we still have a 2/2/3 schedule where she has Mon-Tue, I have Wed-Thu and we alternate 3 night weekends.  (When I asked my lawyer to step in an request alternate weeks to avoid the extra exchanges, he retorted, ":)o you want the court to think your child is okay with longer visits with her?"  Why not offer 2 weekends a month or alternate weekends?  The advantage to weekends only is that she can get a job.  If she has the child a full week every month it may be hard for get to get a regular job, or an excuse not to get a job.

[Kowalski]

Ah, so blood IS thicker than water, to at least some extent.  From your previous posts I had imagined MIL was a real positive influence.  "Negative advocate" doesn't sound very positive at all.  Remember, you have more than a decade to go.

Negative advocate and enabler for her daughter, believing her lies that I emotionally abused her and the rest of her numerous cognitive distortions. Probably good for W as a refuge, but it won't last. MIL will be a target at some point.

I will say that MIL is a positive influence in our son's life.

But something has changed in the last few weeks that I can't quite put my finger on. Previously at the exchanges, the MIL wouldn't even make eye contact or say "hi" back. While W ducks back into the car immediately, MIL has been making eye contact, responding back, encouraging waves and goodbyes and such with the son to make the exchange process pleasant and positive for him.

And I've detected in a change in our son after this last exchange that I can't quite put my finger on, but it seems to be stress related. I can work through it with him using emotion coaching and structure, so I'm not worried because he's very resilient.

I'm thinking that W either had a depressive episode where she collapsed emotionally became catatonic like I've seen her do, or she raged/emotionally dysregulated.

Also, if MIL is a professional, she probably still works, right?  Who will monitor while MIL is away at work?

MIL just finished her degree and is doing internships for child development. She's been off for the summer. And yes, at some point she'll be going back to her internship, which means MIL won't be home until the end of the day. I'm comfortable with MIL being around just the beginning and end of the day. Also W doesn't have a car, so has to rely on MIL for transportation or use public transportation.

What I'm saying is that you're starting out so much better than me, evidently my Ex and your Ex aren't that similar as to functioning or history.  So please don't gift away advantages, it may take ridiculous time and oodles of money to get your current advantages back if your Good Intentions aren't enough.

W hides it well, but as I warned MIL months ago via email (but never responded), without physical and mental health treatment, the spiral will only get worse and worse until she can't hide it anymore or function. This seems to be happening.

Why let her have a full week at a time? ... .If she has the child a full week every month it may be hard for her to get to get a regular job, or an excuse not to get a job.

I guess it's "something" rather than her pulling away from our son completely. However, it's my belief that she will pull back further and further as her spirals get worse. She's communicated through her attorney that she's currently looking for work. Hadn't thought about how she's going to work while taking care of our son for a full week.

I doubt her MIL will support her for long. W is not currently getting any $$$ from me now, and I don't know what she did with the $10k she's taken since this all started, while she claims she currently doesn't have money.

[Kowalski]

Letters from my lawyer to her lawyer being drafted and being sent today... .Will update soon... .

[Kowalski]

W = UstbxBPD/NPDw

My lawyer came through for me and assertively pressed issues and represented me now that my attorney believes me about what I've been saying about W. I've had to educate my attorney about BPD and even bought her a copy of the Splitting book. The letter was delivered today, and they have until Monday to respond.

The letter said that it's my position that contact with both parents, who are each demonstrating mental and physical healthcare, is what is in the best interests of S2. (There's a bit of an inside joke there because as W's attorney has referred to it, I have a health "team" who I have been under regular and consistent care with, while W doesn't have a primary care physician, has only seen her therapist twice since April, is under no treatment for her depression and hasn't ever seen a dentist in all the time I've known her. Her self-neglect is not for lack of good health insurance that I've provided that's for sure.) The letter went on to say that I see MIL as a very positive influence in S2's life, and despite this I agree to the parenting plan proposed so long as it's taking place in the home of MIL and MIL is present at some regular intervals.

My attorney then goes on to say that my attorney talked with W's therapist as authorized by W, and the therapist said that W would need resources and assistance to have an "uninterrupted week of parenting time." The letter goes on to say that W and S2 being home alone all day is "not the best situation" and that I would be agreeable to W enrolling S2 in daycare or preschool for a number of hours to break up the day. Once W resumes weekly counseling and establishes a primary care physician, I'm comfortable with relaxing the MIL home and daycare requirements. And again, inside joke, I agree to also maintain mental and physical healthcare.

If W does not find that proposal agreeable, then I'll move forward with a CE. (My attorney is aware that we'll have to rewrite the CE order with deadlines so W doesn't drag her feet and delay things again.)

My attorney then hits assertively on property issues and sets deadlines: We have to hear back by Friday, Sept. 2nd with potential dates and times for W to pick up her stuff, and since my property list is so small and can fit into one single small box, we're expecting W to hand over the items at the next exchange on Sunday the 28th.

My attorney said that I could threaten to donate W's stuff, but I said that was rather heavy handed and would rather put it into storage and charge W the cost. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but for now we're just assertively pushing deadlines.

I pushed my attorney to call W out on her projections and cognitive distortions, but my attorney said these were "par for the course" and we would spend needless time and money for things that just amount to exaggeration. However, I reasoned with my attorney that while I agree it's to be expected in most cases and with most things that have been said, being accused of getting access to W's healthcare records is well above the expected background noise and is more along the lines of being accused of something illegal. So thankfully my attorney addressed this particular aspect and pushed back assertively:

My attorney wrote that I have not obtained W's health care records and I'm "perplexed" as to where this accusation is coming from. W signed a release to speak with her therapist, a discussion was had, but no actual records have been released at all.

Hopefully by Monday I'll get some kind of cogent response.

[Kowalski]

Things got really interesting over the weekend. W basically blew off the scheduled parenting exchange two hours before, and canceled her entire month of parenting in September. Thank goodness I didn't tell S2 about seeing his mother.

Two hours before the parenting exchange, I got a text from W that said:

Due to multiple scheduling issues this week it would be best if you were able to watch S2 this week. If this is agreeable I would then pick up S2 at the next agreed date of october 2nd.  Once confirmed, yes or no I will then update my lawyer.

Huh? What? She's cancelling due to scheduling issues, and won't see him until October? Next agreed date?

I wrote back:

Unfortunately, this is not a "yes" or "no" scenario.

At this time, no agreement has been reached beyond the current week-on/week-off parenting plan.

The next agreed date would be September 4th, not October 2nd.

She wrote back:

I am unable to watch S2 this week. I have let my lawyer know and it sounds like you and your lawyer need to talk with mine about schedule. Mine already spoke with yours and approved those 3 weeks off in September... .

Really?

What I told my lawyer is that it's best that S2 stay with me considering his regression after experiencing whatever happened while visiting his mother.

This is not the first desertion of S2 by W and it won't be the last. I told my lawyer that we will see this behavior continue to get worse unless and until W is in treatment. Since W see's no consequences or repercussions for her actions, she does what she wants, screw S2. (What sort of legal consequences and repercussions there could be I haven't a clue.) She'll blame this on anyone and everyone else, and never take responsibility for her actions.

Canceling an exchange two hours before due to "scheduling" issues is not appropriate, as is bailing on the entire month of September.

I advised to my lawyer write a very assertive letter to W's lawyer:

When we were able to briefly speak on Friday, you had mentioned that you had not been yet able to connect with W as to my letter sent last week due to your long trial. As W may have alerted you, this weekend she abruptly essentially canceled her parenting time with S2.
 
W indicated to Kowalski that the cancellation of her parenting time was due to “scheduling issues.” She alerted Kowalski approximately two hours prior to the exchange. It seems unlikely that strictly “scheduling issues” would result in a complete bailout of a week’s worth of parenting time, but regardless, Kowalski has been left with virtually no notice of all and a drastic change to his schedule. This is not in anyone’s best interests and, in the future, please advise W that if she wishes to cancel or change her parenting time or the exchanges, Kowalski will need no less than 72 hours’ notice.
 
W also seems to be saying that she will be unable to exercise parenting time until October 2. She indicates that it has been more or less worked out “between the lawyers.” I’m unclear as to what she is referring to and am hoping you can clarify that.

[Turkish]

So she's demonstrating abandonment of her child. As frustrating as this is, can you step up to be the primary parent? Can you envision that (it sounds like you already are), and is it workable if this turns out to be the case? 

Serious question: do you feel at all as if it's your quest to help her be a better mother? 

[Kowalski]

So she's demonstrating abandonment of her child. As frustrating as this is, can you step up to be the primary parent? Can you envision that (it sounds like you already are), and is it workable if this turns out to be the case?

Like you said, I already am. I have been the primary parent for over a year now. It's workable. It's my duty. It's my honor. It's my privilege. In addition to true unconditional love, our son gets the consistency, stability, familiarity, emotional availability and emotion coaching here with me.

Serious question: do you feel at all as if it's your quest to help her be a better mother?

Good question. I've compensated, covered up, unwittingly enabled her dereliction of parenting duties for a long time. It's now my duty to protect our son, which is why I'm requiring that W be under treatment and have parenting time in the MIL's home. I suspect, however, that rather than submit to that requirement or submit to a CE, she'll walk away entirely from our son (and probably all her property too). Either way, mission accomplished, which sounds really cold to say. One path is far sadder and far more tragic than the other, which would mean a new cycle of grieving and letting go.

Better to prepare and plan and move forward with the worst in mind, while not extinguishing a few tattered threads of hope.

[ForeverDad]

Her mental state and how it is expressed regarding parenting... .is what it is.  No court will force her to parent.  If she steps back then it is entirely right to step forward to fill the gap.  While you don't block and you can encourage, you also don't push her outside her comfort level.  Accept the current reality.

[Kowalski]

Her mental state and how it is expressed regarding parenting... .is what it is.  No court will force her to parent.  If she steps back then it is entirely right to step forward to fill the gap.  While you don't block and you can encourage, you also don't push her outside her comfort level.  Accept the current reality.

Forced parenting makes about as much sense as forced loved... .or pretty much anything that's forced that you don't really want to do.

[flourdust]

If it's best that S2 stay with you, I question if you really want to have your attorney writing letters that chastise your wife and demand she be more stable with parenting. I'm not sure where you are in divorce/custody proceedings. If you're trying to get primary custody, I would think her actions work in your favor (annoying and flaky as they are).

[Kowalski]

If it's best that S2 stay with you, I question if you really want to have your attorney writing letters that chastise your wife and demand she be more stable with parenting. I'm not sure where you are in divorce/custody proceedings. If you're trying to get primary custody, I would think her actions work in your favor (annoying and flaky as they are).

An agreement hasn't officially been reached yet regarding custody and parenting time, but as I've written here in this thread, the proposal is still on the table for negotiation.

It's important that her negative behavior is documented and called out as it happens, instead of letting it just slide like I've done for years.

Yes, her behavior works in my favor. Absolutely.

Regarding stage: We have a temporary parenting plan, that is 50/50. We went through mediation, which was a waste of time. All of her property has been boxed up weeks ago, but she's made no effort and showed no interests it to get it. Prior to arbitration and court, we proposed a voluntary CE. We hadn't reached the stage where I asked for custody. While waiting for a response, W suddenly proposed that I have full legal custody and that she wanted one week a month. I countered that regardless of whatever time she wanted, it has to be in the MIL home and W has to have mental (weekly therapy) and physical healthcare. We're waiting for a response.

[flourdust]

What do you want custody to be?

[Kowalski]

What do you want custody to be?

I want full legal custody and have the vast majority of parenting time so S2 has a stable and familiar environment. (Up until W fled the home for the second and last time, we had actually informally worked out 70/30.) If and/or when W is demonstrating self-care and is under treatment, I'm willing to give her more time. Unless and until W is demonstrating good self-care and is under treatment, it's best to minimize S2's time with her and then only under supervision.

[Kowalski]

W = UstbxBPD/NPDw

Things got really interesting today. Email from my lawyer:

W's lawyer just called me. She explained to me that she was presently only very narrowly authorized to ask the following question: “Will you agree to have S2 from now until October 2 at which time W will then pick up S2 to resume week on/week off parenting time?”

My initial response:

You're joking, right? W's lawyer isn't serious, is she? This is some sort of practical joke played on the simple and addle-minded, right? Please tell me it is.

This is an example of the type of questions that W would ask me that were highly controlled where only very specific answers were excepted and allowed. I can't tell you how familiar this is.

My lawyer continues:

I told her you were going to be frustrated with that cryptic question and not having more information because you do not believe that a month without seeing his mother is best for S2. She re-iterated she was not authorized to go beyond simply asking for a yes or no to that question but she said she was able to say that it had to do with child care.

Gotta love a diplomatic lawyer saying that I would be "frustrated."

I said, “Does she have a job now?” W's lawyer said she thinks she might be starting a job next week, but didn’t know anything beyond that.

I'm not sure what a job has to do with anything.

She said she has prepared a comprehensive letter responding to everything we put in our letter of last week and has sent it to W to review. She said she gave W a deadline to respond back to her. I said, “What about the custody evaluator? Can we at least get a yes or no on that?” She said that W wants until Friday to research the evaluators.

Yeah... .  Before I respond seriously to my lawyer tomorrow, I thought I'd just toss all that here for now to be poked, prodded and pulled apart from those more experienced in the community, until I have some time late tonight long after S2 goes to bed to even digest the insanity myself.

[Kowalski]

My draft response to my lawyer... .

Short answer:

My answer is that I will not be restricted to a simple "yes" or "no" responses based on a loaded question full of logical fallacies. My requirements and positions have already been laid out. I will not compromise on them. We'll wait for their comprehensive response and go from there.

Long answer:

This is an example of W wanting to tightly control the conversation into narrowly pre-defined answers that she finds acceptable. I can't tell you how many conversations and arguments we've had like this, with a very recent example over the weekend where she completely bailed on her parenting time for the week and the rest of the month and only wanted a "yes" or a "no" out of me. This is not a "yes" or "no" question or scenario.

I wish I could have analyzed and responded in real time to conversations like this over the years like I'm doing below.

"Frustrated" doesn't really fit. This is a logical fallacy and a loaded question.

To which I quote:

A "loaded question", like a loaded gun, is a dangerous thing. A loaded question is a question with a false or questionable presupposition, and it is "loaded" with that presumption. The question "Have you stopped beating your wife?" presupposes that you have beaten your wife prior to its asking, as well as that you have a wife. If you are unmarried, or have never beaten your wife, then the question is loaded.

Since this example is a yes/no question, there are only the following two direct answers:
* "Yes, I have stopped beating my wife", which entails "I was beating my wife."
* "No, I haven't stopped beating my wife", which entails "I am still beating my wife."

What's even the point of her question in the first place? What does it have to do with our letter from last week and our email from this week about what W did?

Let's break this load into two parts:

“Will you agree to have S2 from now until October 2... ."

Who else is going to have S2 until October 2nd? Unlike W who has abandoned or deserted him on numerous documented occasions, who else has consistently been S2's parent? (Do you want specific details and dates?) Will I agree? I didn't and don't have a choice. I'm his father. I'm committed to him. I don't get to agree or disagree to care for him. It's not optional. It's my duty. It's my honor. It's my privilege. I have never and will never abdicate my responsibilities as S2's father and caretaker and always doing what's best for him. Parenting requires selflessness at times. It requires sacrifice at times. It requires paying attention to the child and putting your time and energy into meeting their needs. Parenting isn't about convenience and “scheduling issues."

You're a parent, so I'm probably preaching to the choir here.

Part two of the load:

"... .at which time W will then pick up S2 to resume week on/week off parenting time?”

Resume, like nothing happened and all is forgiven and forgotten? That's not how this works. Whatever happened [up there with W] caused S2 to regress in ways I can detail. Therefore, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure S2 is not subjected to that again until my conditions are met.

It's best that both S2's mother and MIL be involved in his life. However, more importantly, it's important that S2 has consistency, structure and healthy and stable parents. As far as W is concerned, she's clearly stated she doesn't want to be in his life for the next five weeks, and then only one week a month, doesn't support S2 having mid-week contact with the other parent via Skype, and so far has no current mental healthcare, and no physical healthcare. S2 is resilient, but as the last few weeks have shown, he has his limits.

And what does a job have to do with anything? She has a job that starts next week, but she'll be able to start doing week-on/week-off in October despite her job? Does that make sense?

I would fully understand and be in full support if W was taking the next five weeks to enter into some intensive treatment and otherwise getting her s**t together. Unfortunately, that's a pipe dream. She's probably onto her next relationship... .

Lastly, week-on/week-off is not recommended or good for a child his age and development level.

Nope. None of this makes sense.

[Turkish]

You sound pissed off, and that's understandable.  I didn't go through the lawyer to lawyer thing,  but I was angry at my Ex's neglect of the kids,  including running of to Europe on an 11 day romantic vacation while I took care of then D1 and S3. It wasn't about taking care of them; that was easy.  It was about my desire for her to be an involved mother.  My anger stemmed from me "desiring her to be someone who she is not, " to quote my T.

I can't make my ex be a better mom. No one can except her.  It's not my job. 

It's perfectly valid to be concerned about attachment issues with a 2 year old.  I feel that you're on your own in this regard,  as I was.

I'm not saying I'm right here,  but from my view this continued back and forth between lawyers is $ that could be spent on your family,  meaning you and your son.  I'd take the 5 weeks,  "sure, no problem, " because your frustrations are going to be telegraphed by proxy to her,  exacerbating conflict, wasting money,  and prolonging this until who knows when. 

Can you accept that she's probably going to be the 25% parent in the long run?  Still his mother,  for sure,  but only who she is?  I'd consider you having even 51% parenting time and decision making authority a win.  We have resources and support on the Co-Parenting Board which can help you with your son.  You can find resources in real life as well.  It's hard to detach from the other parent,  but is possible and necessary. 

[ForeverDad]

Lawyer:  I told her you were going to be frustrated with that cryptic question and not having more information because you do not believe that a month without seeing his mother is best for S2.

Turkish wrote well.  You cannot mandate that ex must be a certain level of parent.  It's unenforceable anyway.  You can't make her parent, nor parent more.

If she wants to take time off, really, it's okay.  Better for her to be an occasional parent than for her to have more time and things not go well, first and foremost for your son and secondly for you.

[flourdust]

I concur with Turkish and ForeverDad.

Go ahead and write out your vent (which you've done), and save it as part of your journal.

But focus on your goal, not your feelings.

Your goal is physical custody.

What helps you get that? For one thing, precedence of having physical custody, especially if voluntarily given to you by your wife.

Your wife's message through her attorney is a gift to you. It's documentation that she is ceding custody to you.

The only response you need to send is confirmation that you'll have S2 through October 2. You can either agree to the week on/off schedule after that or respond that you'll discuss it at a later time. I would follow advice of your counsel on which response better helps your case.

Don't use your attorney as a therapist or sounding board -- that's not what his job is, and it's a very expensive way to vent. Don't use your attorney (and her attorney) to re-fight your battles with your wife. Also not productive.

Remember: your goal is is not to win a debate or to prove that you're a better person than your wife. Your goal is to get custody through the legal system. Focus on that narrow goal.

[Kowalski]

I'm well aware that I can't make W be a parent. My focus is on raising and protecting my son.

I love and I'm very protective of S2, and I take my parenting job and role very seriously.

My positions and requirements have not changed.

Whatever accomplishes me having full legal and custodial custody while protecting S2 and ensuring as much as possible he is always in an emotionally stable and consistent environment, and not completely barring W (and MIL) from some day taking care of herself to the point of being able to be more of a stable parent to S2. Until she is taking care of herself, S2's time needs to be limited with W. I don't want a repeat of whatever happened two weeks ago.

Having S2 for five weeks is a good thing for S2's well-being right now. W's flakiness, inconsistencies, and lack of self-care is not good for S2.

I realize that I often process too much through my attorney, which is why I always put a short answer and a long answer. She knows she doesn't have to read the longer answer, but perhaps it's best if remove it entirely and put it into a journal.

[puck]

Personally, I would accept the request and not spend any more money or emotions on the issue.

In the interim, I'd discuss with my lawyer the value of negotiating less time for your ex-wife with your son. She wants a maximum ofone week per month and is ceding it. Why not EOW under your MIL's supervision? That arrangement creates conditions that facilitate your MIL's supervision and your ex-wife's employment and provides a shorter separation with more frequent contact with the mother.

If she fails to honour that, maybe scale back to one day EOW for her. You can always allow more parenting time on a discretionary basis, but you can't always re-negotiate a favourable custody agreement that provides safeguards for your son.

Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

Why not EOW under your MIL's supervision? That arrangement creates conditions that facilitate your MIL's supervision and your ex-wife's employment and provides a shorter separation with more frequent contact with the mother.

If she fails to honour that, maybe scale back to one day EOW for her. You can always allow more parenting time on a discretionary basis, but you can't always re-negotiate a favourable custody agreement that provides safeguards for your son.

   Especially the part where you should try for a favorable order that leaves room for you to use your discretion to grant additional time based on her mental state and behaviors at those times.

When I first entered the family court system the court automatically handed me alternate weekends (EOW).  Court is VERY used to that concept.  It is definitely within the court's comfort zone.  If Ex wants to space weekends farther apart I feel a court would go along with it.

As I believe I mentioned before, her having a full week every so often creates problems, her potential employers are unlikely to go along with an employee dropping out of sight for a week at a time and it could be difficult for MIL to arrange too.